[Evermore]

Hi KIT!

Thanks for coming to update us on how you are doing (I had been wondering how you were getting on). I'm so glad to hear that, whilst it has been trying for you, that you sound so very strong! And that things are progressing well (even if slowly). 

I know I sound like a broken record, but it is so helpful for me to read others stories and to see the sloooow slow progress/changes that happen (to the MLC, but even more so the LBS). Since H withdrew after the T&G we had back in May (or maybe it was simply a bigger anchor check? Whateves, same same really), I have been feeling very wound up and a bit kinda... panicky? on the inside. On the surface I'm doing fabulously and I really have built a lovely new life for myself. I have much that I'm grateful for and wouldn't change.

But always underneath is this, as I said, panicky/nervous feeling. It's been hard to work out WHY I've been feeling this way. I think I've come to realise that it's because my little old heart feels like 'Well... this is it. This is how it will be forever now.' My head knows that's silly ('cause nothing ever stays the same). But it FEELS like this will be how it stays. So it's always good to read others stories so I can remind myself that everything ALWAYS changes. Not necessarily in the way I currently hope, but changes WILL happen none the less. 

I genuinely got to a place where I was ready to tackle the world on my own, and was excited about the possibilities.

This ^ is one of the things I hope will change for me (that I can't see happening right now). It was interesting (and calming) for me to read back over your thread and see that you also doubted you'd ever feel that way. And yet you did.

As S66 commented above, 'hope is the hardest thing to handle'. 

Hoping you stick around so we can hear how you're going. 

[thissucks7788]

Hi Kit,
Thank you for sharing your reconnection/reconciliation story. I'm so happy to hear that things are progressing for you!  My H also returned home but since mine wasn't gone for too long I'm either thinking it was an MLT (Transition not crisis) or I guess it is possible that he could leave again.  However, things here are going very well so I'm not going to jump ahead of myself.  Still, I think all of us in similar shoes can understand your feelings.  In fact, Curiosity said this and it majorly resonated with me:

" But you captured so much of what it means to heal as an LBS… refusing to walk on eggshells, strong and sure enough to live your life on your terms.
It’s interesting how some aspects of the reconnected marriage feel familiar, and yet there is this foundational shift, too. The level of trust will never be the same, and perhaps the LBS will always remain a bit more independent than before BD. But even with that shift, even with the scars, there is still love and there is still a real connection and sense of partnership."

This!!!  I feel all of it.  I don't walk on eggshells and I have kept all of the activities/friends/job that I started while he was gone.  The relationship back is good so far but it does feel different. For one, the innocence is gone and two the trust probably won't ever be the same, but there is love and I definitely feel reconnected.  I guess time will tell.

Thank you again for updating and sharing. Wishing you all of the best!
B xo

[Acorn]

O my, KIT. 

Why am I not surprised!

If I may be bold enough to one of the lessons I have learned in my situation, please?  You know, just ‘a sample of one’ and all that.

I gave up my ‘greediness’ for H’s recovery.  My view is that multitasking is difficult for a recovering MLCer — guilt, regret, remorse, restitution, addictions, broken relationship, etc.   H was raw, vulnerable, bewildered.  So many things to fix, so overwhelming.  He was capable of doing only one  thing at a time, and then two or more aspects of MLC mess to tackle, and, finally, a holistic approach as he got emotionally stronger and as he could plainly see how receptive of his efforts I and the kids were. 

I wish you and your family nothing but the very best!

((((HUGS)))))

[KeepItTogether]

Thanks everyone for the support and words of wisdom.  I am digesting it all.

If I am honest, there is a part of me that is slightly ashamed for letting him come home. Disappointed in myself I guess. That I would allow a person who has done me and our son so wrong to return. Part of my journey I suppose is to allow myself to move forward in the way I am drawn to.   Although most of my closest friends and family all support this decision. Pretty sure it is my own inner self judging me. We are our own harshest critics aren't we? I do find myself reminding myself to make most decisions, especially the financial ones, without reference to H.  I guess I got pretty good at going it alone. Lots of things I still need to tweak on myself. This isn't one of them just yet.

I would say that I have forgiven him. But I think I did that a while ago. Mostly b/c I understand the "whys" of it all, not that I am excusing it. I am not angry over what he did anymore either. But I am triggered by so many  things still. And there is only a tiny amount of trust left in me for him, which is saying a lot for me b/c I was the idiot who believed him for over a year that he was not seeing anyone....even AFTER friends started telling me of sightings, etc. Those are the things--the triggers and the trust, that will only dissipate with time, and good behavior on his part I suppose.

I gave up my ‘greediness’ for H’s recovery. 

((((HUGS)))))

This resonated. A lot! Another reminder to look away from the MLCer.  And toward KIT and more importantly S16.

Thanks everyone again. Your words mean so much to me!

[Schratz66]

Thank you for the update KIT and please do not be ashamed for allowing him to come home.
You just followed your heart and unless you give it a try you would never know.
I have followed your story for years and I was always so taken by your wisdom and strength in dealing with of all of it - so please remember that you are an amazing woman and a wonderful mom and there is no room for shame only room for moving forward.

[Upintheair]

Congratulations KIT!
With all the shameness , happiness and doubt and hope. It is all in it.
I am very happy for you.

Upintheair

[MadLuv]

Never ever be ashamed of giving your family a chance. It is what you vowed to do. Wishing you so much luck and happiness

[KeepItTogether]

New Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12049.new#new