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Author Topic: My Story Living Through The Ghost

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My Story Living Through The Ghost
OP: June 11, 2022, 05:34:53 PM
New thread time.  This thread is brought to you by Shinedown's "Through the Ghost"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ek1nZ8JsC-I

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Speak of the devil look who just walked into the room.  The guilted and faded notion of someone I once knew.  All the perfect moments are wrong.  All the precious pieces are gone.  Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us.

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Did you hide yourself away?  Are you living through the ghost?

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So many silent sorrows you never hear from again.  And now that you've lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend?"  All the bridges we built were burned, not a single lesson was learned.  Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us.

Every time I hear that song it makes me think of MLC. 

Journaling:  S17 has said that his F has built a new house with a bedroom for every kid.  His 3 and covid wifey's 2.  S17 is the youngest.  Does he still think that they are 10, 13 and 15 as when he left the marriage?

S22 owns his own house.  D20 lives there with him.  When S graduates next year he is planning on moving out .  He's ready to be on his own with some roommates.  I've told him that once he graduates, he is totally free to make whatever decision best suits him.  He doesn't have to move out right away but I will understand if he does.  And if he chooses to move in with his F, that's his choice to do so as well. 

Still, why on earth build a bedroom for kids who are all in their 20's other than S17?  Just seems so weird to me.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Back to me.  I was able to get 2 lake days this week.  Thursday was a lovely evening after work on the water with D20 and my BFF and her D17, S11 and her nephew who was visiting and is early 20's I think.  We did some paddle board yoga, lots of laughing and messing around.

Friday I was so sore!

Today my M and I went out to the lake for my adopted step-sister's birthday party.  I brought a really comfy lounger chair for M and she was even able to get in a nice nap while I was out on the water.  My SS and I had a lovely time paddle boarding on the water and then came back to shore and went back out for a nice swim for a while.

Then I dropped my M back at home and I am over at my BFF's house sitting for one night while they go camping and to spread her BIL's ashes.

Tomorrow is my M's birthday, so I will swing back over to pick her up for church in the morning and then we will go get a nice lunch afterwards, in celebration of her birthday.  In the evening we will have some homemade cheesecake and will likely sit out on the patio with a glass of wine (For me, my M is a tee-totaler)

I've barely seen S17 this week.  He's been working hard at his cadet firefighter volunteer job and at his actual paid job.  He picked up two 12 hour shifts at the fire department he did the internship through this week.  I think he got about 30 hours at his job this week, so he's been pretty tired when I've seen him.  Still, when he came home last night from work, he took the time to sit with me and chat for about an hour.  Tomorrow he heads to his F's for a week over there.  Now that we are back from Germany and into summer hours, it's week on week off.  During the school year he is just gone every other Wednesday through Sunday.  In the Summer he is gone Sunday evening to Sunday evening.

D wanted to make it out to the lake with me today but she wasn't able to with work, so she wants to do another lake day next Wednesday or Thursday.  I am also hoping to get some time in with S22 next week as well.  He's switched to days at his job so that he can spend the evening's doing an EMT training course so it's really hit and miss right now when we can get together.

Well, I don't know what thread number this is, but I enjoy continuing to post.  It's pretty much all about my journey now.  With MLCer being 2 years into a new marriage, there isn't much focus on him at all.  Just a glimpse now and again.

I stay because I hope to be a help to other's going through it, and keeping connections with my LBS friend's, and also to show that I am a different kind of success story.  I have become very content with my life.  The new marriage was my red line in the sand.  It's when I felt the finality of my bond shredding.   Definitely felt like a finality to me.

I have my passport now, so I am hoping to be able to make it to the next lbs meet up.  I was so wishing I could have gone to Tuscany.  I hope we get another one on the books at some point.

In the meantime, I can't believe that I have a Senior.  We most likely will go somewhere next Summer for S's Senior Trip.  D20 and S22 are hoping to be able to both go as well.  I've got a couple other places in mind for some vacations as I get the time and funds to do them.  I'll have to check to see if there are any LBS to have a coffee date with in those areas.

Well, that's it for now.  Welcome to my new thread.   :)

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11810.150



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« Last Edit: June 11, 2022, 05:39:30 PM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#1: June 12, 2022, 03:13:48 AM
Welcome to your new thread FW. I’m glad you’re still posting. 😊
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M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

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Re: Living Through The Ghost
#2: June 12, 2022, 03:29:13 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Faith.

"Living Through the Ghost" was one of my favorite MLC songs.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Living Through The Ghost
#3: June 12, 2022, 06:18:28 AM
Thank you Evermore and Thunder. 
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Living Through The Ghost
#4: June 12, 2022, 06:47:28 AM
Great update FW. The song….One I listen to as well.  I also feel finding out about the marriage ( 10 month in ??) was a huge turning point for me. I only wish I would have learned in real time. So many more lies and time lost on not knowing my reality.

You BFF and lake time sounds perfect. I really want a place on a lake. It is my goal!!
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

We long to have again the vanished past, in spite of all its pain

Married July 1991
BD1 2018 Jan moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW

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Living Through The Ghost
#5: June 12, 2022, 03:33:01 PM
I'll be sticking around with you, FW!

I don't post much but do read here often. 

Sounds like your Germany trip was very fun.  I enjoyed the pictures. 

I'm headed out west this next weekend.  Another week of hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park.  I always love staying in Estes Park and hiking. 

Just curious......are you still doing any of the work from home that you did in the past? 

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Living Through The Ghost
#6: June 12, 2022, 06:22:22 PM
Lake time sounds lovely.  I’m following your new thread as well
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Living Through The Ghost
#7: June 13, 2022, 03:02:18 AM
Attaching too - gotta keep up with the Colorado people
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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Living Through The Ghost
#8: June 13, 2022, 04:34:03 PM
Welcome ML, SB, LaB and UM.

SB, the work at home gig was temporary while they built the computer that would take over that job.  It was very helpful while I was making pennies as a Special Education Para, but made for some long hours.

Now that I work in the District office, and year-round work at that, I can't imagine how I would fill my plate with anything else work at home too.

Speaking of the position I am in now, looks like another COLA raise (6.5% cost of living) and possibly moving a few steps in July.  Our department is also under a market review for the first time in an absolutely long time, if ever, so we might even get a bigger raise than we are anticipating, we shall see.  It would come in at a very crucial time, with approaching 7 years from the D date.  Next June will be the final CS and spousal support payment and then I will be flying solo.  Thankfully, M is my roommate now, so she is able to help out.  We are trying to decide what to do with S17's room after he moves out and whether we would take on another roommate or not.

I am feeling really good about the decision I made at the end of 2016 to buy this townhouse though.  My house payments remain low, even though our HOA dues keep increasing just a bit.  If I were to buy a grander house, I would be stuck with the upkeep and payment, rendering me definitely unable to travel.  I am loving the travel possibilities continuing to open up to me. 

SB, enjoy your week in RMNP!  We would love to get back to Estes again for a visit, but next year S17 has his sights set on learning to surf in Cali for his graduation trip and I have yet to make it up to Alaska to visit my B, so with being able to stay with him and my SIL in their home, that trip is going to be on the books for next year too.  I still want to go back to Estes and RMNP again though.  Perhaps in Summer of 2024 we will take a week to do that and see what adult kids can take the time to come with.
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Living Through The Ghost
#9: June 16, 2022, 08:18:35 AM
Attaching FW!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Living Through The Ghost
#10: June 16, 2022, 09:14:51 AM
Keep posting :)  I'm following you as well!
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Living Through The Ghost
#11: June 16, 2022, 04:51:56 PM
Welcome PJ and TS (B)   :)

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday.  This week actually has gone by pretty quickly.  Tuesday night I did some grocery shopping after work.  One thing we really enjoyed while in Germany was Radler's so I bought what I needed to make my own this week.  I'm going to enjoy one on the patio later.

Last night I went paddle boarding with D20 and MLCer's cousin's D20 who I call my niece, as I did daycare for her 10 hours a day/5 days a week when she was 6 weeks old until Kindergarten and then again during the Summer breaks.  She and D20 are best friends and so she's spent a great deal of time at my house.  She moves to Texas in July, so we are trying to fit in some time together before then.  D20 left the lake late for MLCer's house, but it couldn't be helped as if she had been on time we would've only gotten 15 minutes of lake time.  There's a lot of work into getting lake ready and 15 minutes wouldn't be worth it.  D20 had told MLCer that she had previous plans and that it would be helpful if it was closer to 7:30 instead of 6:30 but he maintained the 6:30 time and she had 2 missed calls from him when she got back to her phone in the car right around 6:50ish. 

She was going over to the new house to help paint covid wifey's new craft room.  They originally were going to put paint in water balloons and throw them at the walls but opted for sponges filled with paint.  Hopefully D20 had a good time.  I was a little surprised that MLCer was allowing it, given to how much control he exerted over our household and every aspect of it.  I remarked how glad I was that he seemed to have relaxed in his approach.  D20 said "not really, but this is her craft room so it was decided upon that she would be able to make the decisions about it before they moved in"

Tomorrow I am headed out paddle boarding again.  This time with a friend that I haven't been paddle boarding with before that recently got her own paddle board.  She's anxious to take it out but wants a seasoned vet with her.  Sadly, we had a 42 year old woman drown on the river yesterday after falling off her paddle board and getting sucked in some debris near a bridge.  Her life jacket was attached to her paddle board instead of on her and she had her ankle leash on.  We should never go on the river with an ankle strap because if you get pulled under, you can't always reach the release on your foot.  On the lakes it's ok to have anyone 16 and older have a PFD on the board and close by, but on the river it's a must to actually wear your PFD.  The water is running very high right now with lots of debris and snow melt runoff.  If you have a release, it should be a breakaway one attached to the life jacket on your chest near your heart.  I wish that the word would get out more over this major issue.  Ankle leashes are for lakes, not flowing rivers.  I am gutted that this happened to yet another person on the river.  I also wear my PFD on lakes that are mountain lakes and are colder water and where there are many motorized watercraft as the shock of the water can stun you too.

Anyway, we are going to do one of my favorite non-motorized, non-swimming lakes and not the river and meet first at a fun Food Truck Frenzy that is being put on at one of our local parks with various food trucks and live music.  We will grab some food and then head out to the lake after dinner.  It will take us time to pump up the boards, allowing the food to settle first.   :)  I am hoping to get on a bit later after enjoying the food and some live music so that we can also catch a glorious sunset.  Sunset to twilight paddle boarding is one of my absolute favorites.
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Living Through The Ghost
#12: July 19, 2022, 09:29:26 PM
Hello everyone, it's been about a month since I last posted on my own thread.  Time just flies.  I do come here once in a while and try to catch up on about a page or 2 of posts before I'm usually off again.  I am just continuing on living life.  I've had a couple of teary moment's recently, maybe something to do with the full moon or something.  I just had a moment in my car one day where I thought to myself "he will most likely never know the depth of my pain" and that made me emotional.  Usually the emotions come in pretty short bursts these days.  I think nostalgia gets me sometimes too.

Most of the time when he comes up randomly in conversation from the past, I am sharing a story with a co-worker, I have to often stop and go "huh, that actually was fifty shades of f-ed up, wasn't it?" and I'm often having to re-evaluate the relationship and what I really put up with. 

Some days, I miss my best friend and wonder where they're gone and other days I wonder if I every really actually knew him.  I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit, and what that meant long term, as well as the potential for what kind of husband and father he could've been vs. actually mourning the loss of the person that he turned out to be.  It's complicated.

Anyway, it is take my breath away baffling sometimes how we got here and the lack of closure but for the most part, my daily life just goes on.  There is always that level of wtf-ery in the sub-conscience.  But on the surface, I am more in control of my emotions and don't struggle hardly at all except in those moments in the car (why is it always in the car?")

Enough about that...back to my journey and the life abundant that is still to be had....

So since we went on our big trip in May, the Summer has felt a little off kilter.  Usually we do squeeze in some camping trips and the whole crew since getting back has just been thrown into working and squeezing in short burst of play in between.  My SIL's boss is quitting, which puts her in a place at work that it's hard to get away right now and since her and my B are usually my shared travel friends, and work for me is extremely booked right now, it just is what it is.

I've had a great month though, despite the lack of camping excursions.  The weather has been rainier this year, so paddle boarding has been hit and miss depending on that.  Can't complain about the rain though as it's keeping the fires at bay.  There's been several occasions it has rained in town, but completely missed us when we've been out on the lake, so that's been great.  I could do without the high humidity though, that's just not normal for our neck of the woods.  I mean it's great for the skin, but I'm miserable being used to a much dryer climate.  We also have a swamp cooler vs an air conditioner as most houses here do, meaning that they don't work as great in high humidity.  However, reading about the deaths due to extreme heat in England, I am loathe to complain at all about my situation.

So some of the highlights from this past month:

Got to go to lunch and to see Buzz Lightyear with S22 which was a rare treat with his schedule right now. 

Then a few days later it was dinner with S17 and D20 and off to see Jurassic World.  My niece20 joined us for the movie, but not dinner.

July 1 we did a watch party at S22's house with S22, D20, S17 and niece20 to wrap up the Stranger Things Series.  We had Eggo Waffles in honor of the occasion.  If you aren't a ST fan, you probably don't get it, lol.  Before we started the watch party, nephew's GF asked me about my tattoo and we had a pretty vulnerable moment together.  She said the sweetest thing.  "The more I hear about you from Nephew 21, S22 and D20 and the more I learn about you when I am around you, the more I am amazed by you and your strength."  Nephew 21 and GF live with S22 and D20, but they hadn't seen all of Stranger Things, so they disappeared into their room during the Watch Party.

July 3rd we had a nice big 4th of July a day early BBQ and fireworks at my B and SIL's house.  I even got my M out for that one.

July 4th was low-key, but D20 and S22 did come grab me in S's car to go watch the City fireworks on the hill above my house where we had a great vantage point.  S22 says that he's a little disappointed that we've made all these modern advancements and can do amazing things and yet all this time it seems to him that fireworks are one of those things that have never changed and could be made better somehow.  He loves the Lord of the Rings series and of course was impressed with "Gandalf's" fireworks lol.  He's wondering why we don't have modern day advancements like that.  Hmmm...good point.  Although, we both know it's CGI.  Still.  And of course we were talking about how many pets and vets (veterans) suffer over the 4th because of the booms and quakes.  Where we live, it's carried on for days, not just the 4th.  I cannot believe the arsenal of fireworks my city neighbors carry with them.  Still going off as of last night!  Could there be an amazing, cooler way to do them, with advancements, and maybe without all the noises that set off the pets and cause PTSD to our wounded warriors?  Hmmm

July 6th I had a great paddle boarding evening with my SIL.  They have turned Wednesdays into "Wakeless Wednesday's" at the lake and so we pretty much get most of the lake to ourselves and don't have to stay out of the boat's and (water skiers/large tubes being towed) way.  It was a tad windy but made for a great workout and there is so much fun and accomplishment to SUP'ing and being able to stand and whoosh yourself across the water with your own rowing.  Whether standing, kneeling, sitting, which we always switch it up, it's working different muscles.

July 10th my B from Alaska texted us to let us know that his son, my oldest nephew22 was in town on a military leave.  He's been stationed near Seattle but my SIL's F recently had a heart attack and so he chose to come out here and spend some time with them and other family during his leave rather than go home to Alaska, which he did at Christmas and will do again this coming winter.  So July 11th, D20, niece20 (not related to my side of the family) and I all met Nephew22 for the movies.  We were going to see Top Gun Maverick but Nephew22 hadn't seen the original and D20 had already seen the new one (even though she hadn't seen the original either).  I told Nephew22 he needed to see the classic so we opted for Thor movie instead.  I still want to see the new Top Gun though.

The next day, the 4 of us went out to the lake again and met SIL and Nephew18 (the ones we lived with and travel with and all that) and even got M to come along this time.  We had a picnic and the 4 young adults took the paddleboards out.  SIL floated around in a floaty relaxing and I decided it was too hot for anything else but being fully immersed in the water, so I dove in and swam the swim area of the lake instead.  That was an amazing workout as well.  Then I balanced myself on the cable that holds the buoys for the edge of the swim area with all but my head and neck immersed and chatted with SIL until our paddle boarders arrived back from their excursion across the lake.  Treaded water for a while too when my toes started cramping on the cable lol.

Saturday was my friend's grandson's 4th birthday party and I've been to all of his parties so far.  His mama is also pregnant with her second so they did a gender reveal.  M decided that she would like to do some shopping while I was at the Fun Park for the birthday party and so I dropped her off in one of the shopping center's that had some good choices of stores.  It was also the same shopping center where D works as a manager at an ice cream parlor.  M thought she might go sit over there and wait for me if she got done shopping before I was done.  Alas, M forgot her cell phone at home, so there was a bit of some wandering around by me looking for her, but just as I started to worry, M called to say that she figured it was best to just take a cab home and phone me since she didn't have her phone to meet up and of course has our address memorized. Mischief managed!

Last night those who could get together, met up at my B and SIL's house to use their theater room to watch the classic Top Gun and we did a cake and ice cream for Nephew22 as he turns 23 at the end of the month and we figured we should celebrate him while he's here.  M decided she was up to another excursion even after her adventure Saturday, lol.  She was a trooper and even watched the full movie with us.  I feel like she's settling quite a bit into our shared life and has much less anxiety, even though there are still bouts of short term memory loss!

Tomorrow night is our last hurrah with Nephew22 before he leaves again.  And Niece20 is moving to Texas on Saturday so it's a combination last Hurrah/going away party.  We have a big group going out to the lake for paddle boarding and then we will end up back at BFF's house afterwards for food and cards.  M has decided to opt out of this one and said she would enjoy the quiet house and keep Lucy the kitty company.  They've really been getting on quite well together.

So there you go, there's the recap, which I can never seem to narrow down to a short and sweet version.  Ha!  :P :
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Living Through The Ghost
#13: July 20, 2022, 01:18:49 AM
FW, loved the update and thanks for not making it short.
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M
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Living Through The Ghost
#14: July 20, 2022, 05:45:38 AM
FW-
That’s a lot of family togetherness!! Love it. Wish my family was all closer, but working on organizing some get togethers .
Quote
Anyway, it is take my breath away baffling sometimes how we got here and the lack of closure but for the most part, my daily life just goes on.  There is always that level of wtf-ery in the sub-conscience.  But on the surface, I am more in control of my emotions and don't struggle hardly at all except in those moments in the car (why is it always in the car?"
  I can totally relate!! It is weird how even when you are on a little more even ground that the f’ery of it all lays dormant waiting to have it’s little pop in’s. They do now come with a small sprinkle that dries up so much quicker than a huge storm with damage, but still an inconvenience and a reminder the full sun has yet to totally come.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

We long to have again the vanished past, in spite of all its pain

Married July 1991
BD1 2018 Jan moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW

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Living Through The Ghost
#15: July 20, 2022, 06:23:37 AM
Hi Faith,

Your post is a great reminder of being grateful for the people and moments that we have that are full of enjoyment and "wonderment"...

I envy the family you have close by. It is and continues to be my choice to live far away from "family" and I do see my daughter 5-6 times a year...I make that a priority.....but with family, you can feel "included" in times without having to be asked. I have friends but they all have their own families, and so it's hard when I hear all the things they do together (because they live close enough) and I sometimes wonder, how did I land up so distant from my kin (not just physical distance but also emotionally...since my sister passed away, I really feel orphaned).

I get twinges of anger because I didn't choose to leave Canada and after so many years, I think often of returning but it's overwhelming to me.

And so this resonated with me:

Quote
I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit,

I have come to understand that I can have some of this...we are on speaking terms and spend time with our daughter ... because she lives so far away, our time together is short and it is a blessing that we don't need to "split" the time with her although I would not say it is easy but it works for her and for him, perhaps better than for me as it is draining to be around someone and not engage in a "real" relationship.

And so, your post today, and especially your thread's title "living through the ghost" is a good one for me today as we shall all visit together this weekend and I am grateful for that.

I have been considering getting a dog again. I have not had a dog for over a year and I miss the company of a living thing in the house.  We have another "family" time planned for October so perhaps after that week.

I really enjoyed reading all your activities and hope some day we can meet up again!
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#16: July 20, 2022, 06:52:29 AM
S22 says that he's a little disappointed that we've made all these modern advancements and can do amazing things and yet all this time it seems to him that fireworks are one of those things that have never changed and could be made better somehow. 

There are much better blue fire compositions these days, and there are now star patterns in some of the shells (like smiley faces). The latter have been around for a while now (maybe a decade or two?), but that's relatively short compared to the history of fireworks. So there!  :D

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#17: July 20, 2022, 10:46:37 AM
Quote
I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit, and what that meant long term, as well as the potential for what kind of husband and father he could've been vs. actually mourning the loss of the person that he turned out to be.  It's complicated.

You said this better than I could, but I feel the same way. I really miss being part of an intact family unit. I've remarried and I have a really good relationship with my adult kids, but that whole Mom/Dad/Daughter/Son unit is gone forever. The four of us used to be so close. We did things together. Now I have good individual relationships with my kids and new wife, but I miss the family game nights and the parts of my kids that my xw brought out.

Quote
Some days, I miss my best friend and wonder where they're gone and other days I wonder if I every really actually knew him.
Me too. I miss that person who knew me when I was 22. Who remembers my bad haircuts, lousy jobs, broken-down cars, successes, and well - more than half of my life. When there's no one who remembers stories from our past and who we can reminisce with, it almost feels like huge parts of life didn't happen. What a huge loss we've suffered! But then, was that person actually the person we thought we knew? Or some idealized construct that we loved so much we overlooked their flaws? For me, the damage to my past actually hurts more than any damage to the future.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Thanks for sharing your update - your thoughts really resonated with me.
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#18: July 20, 2022, 02:02:34 PM
Great update, Faith!  You sound like you are filling your life with wonderful things and creating many happy memories.   Spending time with the people we love and doing the things we love is the best feeling!

I highly recommend Top Gun: Maverick.  Popeye and I saw it and loved it.  It was very well done.  And, although I wouldn't say I'm a huge Tom Cruise fan, he really has kept himself in remarkable shape.






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#19: July 20, 2022, 03:39:05 PM
Another nod here for Top Gun: Maverick.  Yes, Cruise, who just turned 60, is in fabulous shape.  I won't be missing the next Mission Impossible movie when it opens in 2023! 

Nice update.  You have a lot in your life to enjoy and be thankful for. 
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#20: July 20, 2022, 03:48:05 PM
I worked with Tom Cruise once, about 5 years ago... really lovely guy.
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#21: July 20, 2022, 04:15:03 PM
Hi FW,

Glad you are doing well this summer enjoying life.   You are truly are a great example of GAL in the wake of the MLC destruction.  Top Gun Maverick will be worth the wait, and I actually have just started binge watching Stranger Things while I'm in isolation for COVID.   Truly awesome show and brings back so many memories from my childhood.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the summer.

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#22: July 22, 2022, 06:31:06 PM
Good to hear from all of you, thanks for popping by and I'm glad I wrote the long update.  We are about an hour away from Top Gun Maverick with my S17 and D20 so I have a little time to kill.  I will try and come back this weekend and reply more to everyone individually.

So Wednesday's paddle boarding/card session didn't go as planned but still turned out into a great day.  BFF pulled out as she had been fighting with the kids all day trying to get them to rally and apparently they were little turds.  D20 said that BFF's D17 was trying to help her, so maybe just the younger two were little turds.  I have continued with my mantra of "it is what it is" and Nephew22, S17, D20, and Niece20 plus myself were the only ones that ended out at the lake.  However, another group was out there that we knew including S17 and D20's 2nd cousin's on MLCers side and their mom. 

The kids ended up playing together and I had a nice chat with their mom, who is married to MLCers cousin.  We've kept in contact and attend the same Church so this was no big deal.   During the course of the conversation I brought up something about his marriage.  She had no idea that he had remarried.  This seemed pretty crazy to me because his side of the family has always had a family reunion every summer and we all live in the same town.  Her and her h usually have a pig roast/luau and invite everyone.  We constantly spent time with his side of the family.   And they are usually all on Facebook so they must not be Facebook friends either.  Just another confirmation of the MLC.

Anyway, we ended up staying at the lake until sunset, which was breathtaking, as usual.  We grabbed some food and D20 had us all go back to her house (where she lives with Nephew 21 and S22, etc.) so it was great because Nephew21 and S22 hadn't gotten to see their cousin who was leaving the next day and S22 got to say goodbye to niece 20 (who is on MLCers side of the family) and S22 told her that he didn't even know she was moving until I had mentioned something when inviting him to the lake.  But he'd had class until 10 that night so he was thrilled that we were at the house when he got done.

I'm a little sleep deprived from all the late nights, lol.

Last night, when I got home from work, D20 was sitting on my couch watching tv.  Evidently, she'd gone shopping for Amazon prime day (which I'd already known about because her Monitors arrived on Monday).  This girl has been out of my house since November and has yet to change her address.  So, she was sitting there waiting for her amazing new computer tower to arrive that she had to sign for.  We watched tv together for a while and then after her tower arrived she asked if I would come help her hang a shelf and some other things on her wall because she needed to free up the space on her desk.

This was our conversation.
"D20, you know I'm terrible at home projects, that is why I married your F.  I have a mirror in my closet I have yet to hang on the wall because it needs anchors and leveling and all that and I'm terrible at it.  Why don't you ask your uncle?

 "I don't want to ask uncle, he's probably too busy."

"Why don't you ask your F?"

"No.  I don't want him coming over."

"You have 3 male roommates, 1 of which is your brother and 1 of which is your cousin, why don't you ask them."

"I don't want to ask cousin and brother is always busy with his job and his emt stuff."

sigh "Are you sure that you don't want to just pay someone to do it?  I'm terrible at it."

"I think we can figure it out together."

"My drill batteries are dead, we would have to charge them"

"Pretty sure there is a drill in our garage that works"

"Fine.  But don't say I didn't warn you!

So, I ended up hanging out with her all night.  I googled a video on using the drill bit and applying the anchors into the wall.  I showed her there was a level on her phone.  And wouldn't you know it, everything looks great and will stay on the wall as long as she doesn't do pull ups on that shelf.   ;D

I also helped her hang her white board and a picture thing that she can clip pictures to.  The pictures she chose was very interesting to me.  She pulled out pictures from her closet.  One of her kissing her Papa on the cheek (MLCers F) when she was about 7 went on first.  Then her 2 brothers photos went up and a picture of niece 20 and then a picture of both MLCers parents.  And then she surprised me and pulled out a photo of MLCer and I together that was taken by my B and SIL on our 1st wedding anniversary after we had dropped off S22 and D20 (who were 2 1/2 and 6 months at the time) for my B and SIL to watch while we went out for our anniversary.  That photo went up on the wall too.  I questioned it in my head, like "are you sure you want that photo up?", but didn't say anything out loud.  I have to remember that she loves and cherishes the memories of us together.  And this has been hard on her.  Apparently she rescued that photo in the move after the D.  It's been in a frame and apparently she had it in her bedroom at her F's house after the D, and she's had it ever since, but she took it out of the frame to hang it on her wall now.  Of course I wonder what he thought going in her room at his house and seeing her stubbornly display that photo, lol.  Oh to have been in his head or a fly on the wall.  But it's whatever.

Well, gotta run.  More time with the kiddos awaits. I do know that I am blessed beyond measure.
 
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#23: July 23, 2022, 04:54:35 AM
You know my daughter framed and hung the family photo of both her husband and hers family in her home and every time  I go there it is the first thing that I see. The picture for en is awkward as you can see my X feels disconnected, but it is all over her family. Both sides. I love that she wanted it hung. I love that your daughter chose a happier time photo and she hung it. It’s the way it should be. Those are her parents and will always be. It reminds me that when telling kids your getting divorced you tell them when they are young it’s nothing to do with them and we both still love you. So, we try to instill that nothing changes in our love for you, so then why should their vision have to change of that original love that brought them here on earth. I love it!
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#24: July 23, 2022, 12:33:25 PM
FW, loved the update and thanks for not making it short.

Thank you R.  Sometimes it feels weird to ramble on here, being so far out from BD that not much of it involves MLC and MLCer, but I try and remember that posting here is about my journey, as so obviously the Subject reminds me when it says "My Story:  This is a record of your journey."  I forget that sometimes lol.
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#25: July 23, 2022, 12:37:33 PM
FW-
That’s a lot of family togetherness!! Love it. Wish my family was all closer, but working on organizing some get togethers .
Quote
Anyway, it is take my breath away baffling sometimes how we got here and the lack of closure but for the most part, my daily life just goes on.  There is always that level of wtf-ery in the sub-conscience.  But on the surface, I am more in control of my emotions and don't struggle hardly at all except in those moments in the car (why is it always in the car?"
  I can totally relate!! It is weird how even when you are on a little more even ground that the f’ery of it all lays dormant waiting to have it’s little pop in’s. They do now come with a small sprinkle that dries up so much quicker than a huge storm with damage, but still an inconvenience and a reminder the full sun has yet to totally come.

Yes I think I am still that second bird in my tattoo.  Not quite the 3rd bird fully flying free, but well on my way to overcoming.

I'm glad that you are working on organizing some get togethers.  While my nephew was here, I did the organizing.  I don't know that anything would have happened if I hadn't pulled things together lol.

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#26: July 23, 2022, 12:45:19 PM
Hi Faith,

Your post is a great reminder of being grateful for the people and moments that we have that are full of enjoyment and "wonderment"...

I envy the family you have close by. It is and continues to be my choice to live far away from "family" and I do see my daughter 5-6 times a year...I make that a priority.....but with family, you can feel "included" in times without having to be asked. I have friends but they all have their own families, and so it's hard when I hear all the things they do together (because they live close enough) and I sometimes wonder, how did I land up so distant from my kin (not just physical distance but also emotionally...since my sister passed away, I really feel orphaned).

I get twinges of anger because I didn't choose to leave Canada and after so many years, I think often of returning but it's overwhelming to me.

And so this resonated with me:

Quote
I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit,

I have come to understand that I can have some of this...we are on speaking terms and spend time with our daughter ... because she lives so far away, our time together is short and it is a blessing that we don't need to "split" the time with her although I would not say it is easy but it works for her and for him, perhaps better than for me as it is draining to be around someone and not engage in a "real" relationship.

And so, your post today, and especially your thread's title "living through the ghost" is a good one for me today as we shall all visit together this weekend and I am grateful for that.

I have been considering getting a dog again. I have not had a dog for over a year and I miss the company of a living thing in the house.  We have another "family" time planned for October so perhaps after that week.

I really enjoyed reading all your activities and hope some day we can meet up again!

I do hope we can meet up again too xy.  Covid really waylaid a lot of stuff.  I remember you talking about your dog and I was very saddened that you had to say goodbye.  The kids keep trying to pressure me to get a dog and it just doesn't fit with my life right now.  I keep telling them if they want to get a dog for their own home, it can be my grand-dog.  M and Lucy are getting along well and have gotten into a great pattern together.

I am glad you are having a visit with your family!  I hope you can recharge your batteries afterward, as I totally understand about the drain from being around MLCer and not having a real relationship.  Such a weird place to be in.

I did talk to my MLCer the other day briefly.  He wanted to make sure that I was ok with S going on a camping trip to work at a food truck for a few days out of town.  S is on the verge of spreading his wings and is very responsible.  He has never given me a reason to mistrust him.  I reminded MLCer of this.  He won't be so far that I can't drive to him and help if needed.  He's not even as far as when I drove to meet you and P (gosh it's been so long she's been on here I forgot her screen name) for lunch when we met up.  P and I text once in a while and are on Facebook together.
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#27: July 23, 2022, 12:48:04 PM
S22 says that he's a little disappointed that we've made all these modern advancements and can do amazing things and yet all this time it seems to him that fireworks are one of those things that have never changed and could be made better somehow. 

There are much better blue fire compositions these days, and there are now star patterns in some of the shells (like smiley faces). The latter have been around for a while now (maybe a decade or two?), but that's relatively short compared to the history of fireworks. So there!  :D

My coworker watched fireworks from in Washington D.C. overlooking the monument and it looked phenomenal.  I think fireworks in our neck of the woods are just not that spectacular, lol.
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#28: July 23, 2022, 12:57:03 PM
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I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit, and what that meant long term, as well as the potential for what kind of husband and father he could've been vs. actually mourning the loss of the person that he turned out to be.  It's complicated.

You said this better than I could, but I feel the same way. I really miss being part of an intact family unit. I've remarried and I have a really good relationship with my adult kids, but that whole Mom/Dad/Daughter/Son unit is gone forever. The four of us used to be so close. We did things together. Now I have good individual relationships with my kids and new wife, but I miss the family game nights and the parts of my kids that my xw brought out.

Quote
Some days, I miss my best friend and wonder where they're gone and other days I wonder if I every really actually knew him.
Me too. I miss that person who knew me when I was 22. Who remembers my bad haircuts, lousy jobs, broken-down cars, successes, and well - more than half of my life. When there's no one who remembers stories from our past and who we can reminisce with, it almost feels like huge parts of life didn't happen. What a huge loss we've suffered! But then, was that person actually the person we thought we knew? Or some idealized construct that we loved so much we overlooked their flaws? For me, the damage to my past actually hurts more than any damage to the future.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Thanks for sharing your update - your thoughts really resonated with me.

Don't apologize!  Please ramble anytime.  I can absolutely identify with what you are saying and are sober to the fact that if I am to have a relationship later on, that family unit is going to look and feel completely different. 

I absolutely mourn the loss of my husband as if he has died, flaws and all.  I will always feel that it wasn't irretrievably broken, but I do take some peace out of thinking that maybe the way things worked out, the kids and I were spared from more collateral damage down the road.  Or perhaps my relationship with my kids would be different.  And the children they are now, which I am so proud and fully celebrate, may not be the same measure, the same personality as what they are now.  The kids and I had to face enormous growth.  They are certainly not shallow and have been challenged in every way.  And I often wonder what I would have lost with them had I been by husband's side and he had never changed?  Would they have still come around?  The way things were going, I don't know that they would have cared to spend time at our house.  That would have hurt me deeply.  I would have constantly been at war with trying to be the supportive wife and the mother that I was intended to be.

But of course I also think that that can go both ways.  If he had become the husband and father that he had the potential to be, their lives would have been better than they are now, and without the pain of all this loss and PTSD and trauma.

It certainly can go both ways.
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#29: July 23, 2022, 01:03:12 PM
Great update, Faith!  You sound like you are filling your life with wonderful things and creating many happy memories.   Spending time with the people we love and doing the things we love is the best feeling!

I highly recommend Top Gun: Maverick.  Popeye and I saw it and loved it.  It was very well done.  And, although I wouldn't say I'm a huge Tom Cruise fan, he really has kept himself in remarkable shape.

BB, we really enjoyed the movie.  I could have done without the lady that I was sitting next to though.  She was a pretty miserable human.

They did a fantastic job on it and yes, he is in remarkable shape.  My B was telling me that they asked Kelly to come back, but she said that she was too old and that they wouldn't want her.  I keep telling my D that she needs to see the first one, if for no other reason than to see how Iceman and Maverick's relationship progressed and to see Ice in his prime.  She's not convinced, since they had the flashbacks to the original.
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#30: July 23, 2022, 01:04:23 PM
Another nod here for Top Gun: Maverick.  Yes, Cruise, who just turned 60, is in fabulous shape.  I won't be missing the next Mission Impossible movie when it opens in 2023! 

Nice update.  You have a lot in your life to enjoy and be thankful for.

Hey SB!  I hope you have been enjoying your summer break.  Yes, I want to see MI in 2023 too.  Too bad we don't live closer and could see it together.
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#31: July 23, 2022, 01:05:39 PM
I worked with Tom Cruise once, about 5 years ago... really lovely guy.

Oh wow!  That's pretty cool B.   8)
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#32: July 23, 2022, 01:07:37 PM
Hi FW,

Glad you are doing well this summer enjoying life.   You are truly are a great example of GAL in the wake of the MLC destruction.  Top Gun Maverick will be worth the wait, and I actually have just started binge watching Stranger Things while I'm in isolation for COVID.   Truly awesome show and brings back so many memories from my childhood.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the summer.

HF

HF, sorry to hear about the Covid. 

I was very resistant to Stranger Things when the kids first started watching.  I'm not great with scary things.  I love riding roller coasters and things like that, but the intense build up in scary movies freaks me the heck out and it better not be something scary that could really happen in real life.  I tend to stay far away from those types of shows.   But somehow, watching it with the kids made this one okay, and also the 80's nostalgia helped lol.
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#33: July 23, 2022, 01:11:15 PM
You know my daughter framed and hung the family photo of both her husband and hers family in her home and every time  I go there it is the first thing that I see. The picture for en is awkward as you can see my X feels disconnected, but it is all over her family. Both sides. I love that she wanted it hung. I love that your daughter chose a happier time photo and she hung it. It’s the way it should be. Those are her parents and will always be. It reminds me that when telling kids your getting divorced you tell them when they are young it’s nothing to do with them and we both still love you. So, we try to instill that nothing changes in our love for you, so then why should their vision have to change of that original love that brought them here on earth. I love it!

Yes, so true ML.  It was really her choice, plus she rescued that photo.  Most of our wedding photos and paraphernalia are in an old trunk that I have locked away and somehow that one didn't make it into the "casket" - she has access to many photos that include us with the kids.  But she chose that one for a reason, only fully known to her what that reason is, but it is definitely her prerogative and I won't darken that for her by making a fuss over it or anything, even if it is a bit disconcerting to see when I go in her room.
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#34: August 06, 2022, 11:18:45 AM
Finally caught up, i have a tough time keeping up.  Glad to see your updates and how handy you are with a level and a drill.  I did not know there was a level on the phone.  Or did i misunderstand??

FW, sounds like you are well.  I am on round 3 of binge watching Stranger Things.  My daughter's and i sit down in the evening with a glass of wine and watch a couple of episodes most evenings.  But we must watch together so we can pause and discuss our theories.

Take care,
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#35: October 10, 2022, 02:57:21 PM
Sorry, 5hil, I have been away for a bit.

Yes, there is a level on the Iphones.

I'm glad you have been enjoying Stranger Things with your D's and a glass of wine.

My D and I are supposed to start a Series together soon, and I need to go to the movies with my BFF, we haven't gotten together in a while.  S17 and I have been watching "The Office" together.  He had seen it, I hadn't.  I get really mad at Michael lol and I'm thankful that my work does not have that level of toxicity.
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#36: October 10, 2022, 02:57:40 PM
Long overdue update:
Today is the last of a 4 day weekend I intentionally took.  A little over a month ago, M had mentioned that she wanted to get over to Castle Rock to see her Aunt and Cousin.  Her Aunt is about 92 and lives in the basement with her D and D's husband.  I had contacted them about bringing M to see them but they were leaving for a trip to GA and FL and didn't get back until last Friday.  So we scheduled it for this past weekend.  We spent Friday evening and Saturday with them and then Saturday evening and Sunday with my B's family.  They live about 45 minutes from Castle Rock.

M was so grateful to be able to get over there and see everyone.  Her memory is still so-so and she has to ask me a lot what the plans are for the day, etc.  Sunday morning, we stopped for a quick bite and she decided she wanted a hamburger and a smoothie, but no fries.  By the time she got to the table, she had forgotten she didn't order fries and preceded to steal mine off the tray.

Let's see what else is new with me.  I've been dealing with a little bit of a health issue, possibly a side effect of Covid making it worse, targeting a weak spot.

Ever since the D, every August I get a stye or styes in my eyes.  Usually a warm teabag or microwave compress will do the trick and they will go away, but this time they have been buggers.  I have consistently had 1-3, in and out bothering me since August 13th.  I had to see my Optometrist and then an Ophthalmologist.   We have been trying to be aggressive with them so that hopefully I don't need light therapy or surgery.  Basically, my Meibomian glands are having a dysfunction.  In November of 2020, when I battled my first bought of Covid, in December I remember having a stye, and then it was about 6 months before I could wear my contacts after Covid, or put on mascara or fake eyelashes or anything.  I didn't have an issue last September with the Covid variant, but this August and September have definitely been a battle.  I was hoping to do some family photos at the same time that we did Senior photos for S but kept putting it off due to my eye issues.  I have been on an aggressive treatment and finally hopefully making some headway.  At one point, my right eyelid was so swollen, the "stye or chalazion" was almost the size of a marble and it was messing with my vision.  My glasses prescription in that eye is a -3.75 and I was seeing at a -.75 which is totally crazy!  But then as I compressed it, my vision would change, so it made for some very rough weeks with lots of headaches from the ever changing vision.  It's settling down now though.  They are still there, but not nearly as disruptive.  Hopefully they will be gone completely soon.   I go back for a follow up in 8 days.

In July, I went in to see my regular doctor for a check-up.  Thankfully my bloodwork all came back good.  I do have a couple of issues that I am battling.  I have joint pain without inflammation.  He called it polyarthralgia.  I also have a genetic thing called hypobilirubinemia.  It's a good thing I live in Colorado where the sun shines a lot and I can generally get out in it for at least 30 minutes and bask.

But, my antibiotic for my eye thing means that I have to really lather up as it makes me MORE sensitive to sun.  Sheesh.  Conflicting health issues is no bueno.

But I'm hanging in there and hoping it's just a blip for now and that I will be feeling better all around.
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#37: October 14, 2022, 05:38:09 PM
Mom's doctor visit went well.  We both like her new doctor.  Mom has been so gracious with accepting help, taking herself off of driving and being able to say that she knows there is a problem with her memory.  I am so glad that she is allowing us to help.

The doctor did do a memory test so that at each visit we can see what the progression is like.

I might have silently failed some of the memory test too!  Ruh-roh.  I did pretty well overall, but I could only remember 3 of the 5 words she told us to remember from the beginning of the test. 

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#38: October 15, 2022, 11:43:17 AM
Hi FW,

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom but am very glad that she is accepting help and acknowledging her memory issues.   I used to work in a hospital and took care of many elderly patients as they dealt with the issues that come with age.   Confronting these  issues with grace and dignity with loved ones at your side is so important.   Wishing peace and joy for your Mom, you, and your family.

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#39: October 15, 2022, 03:02:59 PM
Thank you HF. 

Bless you for the work you did with those folks.
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#40: October 17, 2022, 07:19:20 PM
FW-
Your mom is lucky to have you and it is so good that she is open and allowing all the help.
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#41: October 18, 2022, 05:34:37 PM
Thank you ML.

I hope you are doing well.

Journaling
Well, not much to report.  I did have a conversation with MLCer over insurance for the kids recently.  That's about the only time we converse now.  We are almost to the end of the kids being kids, with S17 being a Senior this year.  I am adding the kids onto my policy so we had to discuss what that would entail.  It's a bit of a risk but I'd rather know they were completely covered.  I will just have to cut way down where I can on spending if I get stuck with the entire amount.  My kids are worth that risk.  If you recall last year I had to take S to urgent care only to find out that he no longer had him covered on insurance and had to pay completely out of pocket.  It was past qualifying event time and outside of my open enrollment so I couldn't do a darn thing about it.  When I asked him if S and D were covered recently, he had S17 covered, but not D at all, and he only had major accident on S, not an actual Medical, Dental, Vision plan.  So now it's my open enrollment and I want to make sure they can get what they need as far as checkups and all.

I had drinks with a friend that was visiting our city the other night and she had commented that she had to unfriend MLCer on Facebook a while back, she just couldn't deal with his postings anymore.  I have known her since High School and he has known her since our College group was meeting back in about 1995 or so.  My B and SIL were with us at the restaurant and they commented that they can't imagine him in old age as being someone anyone would want to hang out with.  That he's always been kind of an ask and in old age he will probably be a total ask.  Replace the k with an s.  I did not bother asking what he was posting about.  Highly controversial topics I'm assuming.  Probably political, etc.

I do have a hard time talking with him about much these days.  He is very, very negative.  And he always has something to say about this person that we know or that person that we know and always puts a negative spin on it.  Or the kids come up in conversation, and I find myself filling him in on their recent happenings and I always find myself surprised that he has no idea what is going on with them, and then once I fill him in, I realize why they probably never volunteered that info because his reaction is always negative and critical.  And yet, it's like he can't see how condescending it is.  The kids also are quick to point out how whatever advice he might give, although maybe well-intentioned, always has a negative connotation, and that if the advice is any good, he doesn't practice what he preaches, so they always find it bizarre that he can't seem to see that it's a "listen to what I have to say but don't pay any attention to how I do/did the opposite" sort of speech.

I do find that very sad.  It does not give me any joy that's for sure.  Regardless of whether we are together or not, I would love for their father to be someone they can count on, respect, etc.  Unfortunately, if he comes out of the fog, there is a ton of rebuilding he would have to do with them, as well as many others.  It would take a lot of work.

In other news, today was Bosses day at work.  We had a breakfast for our team and gave her a basket with some fun stuff in it.  I made a really yummy coffee cake.  Everyone thought it was scrumptious.  It felt good to bake again.  I haven't done as much of that as I used to.  I should make another one this weekend for M and S17 to enjoy.  I felt bad baking and then taking it all to work lol.

Well, I hope you are all doing well.  I'm glad for those that are still coming to post.  I do wonder about some who have not been posting any longer and hope that they are well.  I wish that they would come back once in a while to give us an update, even if it is like 3 months or 6 months or a year has gone by.  You all have been like a family to me and someday it would be so nice to go to a HS reunion.  Still sad that I missed out on Tuscany!
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#42: October 19, 2022, 07:54:34 AM
FW- I totally can relate to the negativity being draining. I never realized how bad it was h til I went NC. Now. I pick up on it more on other people and duck and run from those convos! I like you also just want a good father back for my children and remain hopeful that for the kids no matter what age that will happen.

Your baking feeling good I also get. I really found it hard to cook for a while and I love to cook. Now when I do I make it and freeze individual servings to pull out and I love it. I have on some rough days made XH favorite meals and eat them and laugh. Stupid I know, but I know he misses my cooking and hey, laughter is the beat medicine :)
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#43: November 07, 2022, 08:05:05 PM
Coming to my thread to post about a couple of things.  When BD happened, I had this old green trunk that I'd had since High School.  I cleaned it out and packed away all of my precious memories of our marriage.   Photos, anniversary gifts, marriage certificate, letters, etc.  I have sometimes mentally referred to it as the "coffin" of our love.  It has gone with me on both my moves and I don't really look in it, just know that it is there.  On occasion things get stacked on it, like books, plants, etc.

The other day I had completely cleaned it off to move it out of the way of a worker coming to the house.  S17 came into my room and saw it and asked me what was in it.  Without thinking I said, "oh, that's the coffin," and then had to explain it.  He decided to open it up and go through it.  I told him I couldn't bring myself to look at it but that I also didn't want to get rid of it as it had many good memories too.  He mainly just went through the photo albums of our wedding.  He said he'd never remembered seeing them before.  Seeing the items did not stir up anything in me.  I think I'm far enough away from it now and that was a relief.

My subconscious though is another thing all together.  I still have dreams of my MLCer sometimes.  Usually they are in the past, but with a different tint to things, as having come from knowing the things that I know now.  MLCer is always close to BD in these dreams, but somehow I am calmer and I just know that he is not right and up to no good.  And that I don't trust him.  Dream him is the same as BD but dream me is NOT the same person that I was.  I just find that very interesting.  I always wake up a little perturbed that I am still having dreams about him.  I can usually shake it off pretty quickly and enter the reality of a new day.

And lastly, MLCers relative that was in her 90's has passed away, and she was one that I just simply adored.  I remember going to her and her H's property for big family reunions on H's side every summer.  Her H passed away some time ago.  This would be MLCer's Great Aunt I believe, his M's Aunt.  I am planning on going to her celebration of life tomorrow.  It starts right around my lunch time and I know I want to be there to honor her life.  I will probably just slip into the back.  I do feel very right about my decision to go.  She wasn't on FB much these last few years but I have been FB friends with her and never stopped.  I am also FB friends with her daughter, my MIL's cousin, and MIL texted me the day she passed away to let me know.  I do feel very right about going and know I won't regret it.  It does not matter if xH is there with his new W or not, but I am very thankful that I stepped out of my comfort zone to introduce myself to her at that Graduation party last year.  I knew that as long as she is in my xH's life, there will be many occasions such as this one that I will need to attend where they may be in attendance as well.  Funerals, weddings, future grand-children, etc.  The more comfortable I get with it, the better it will be in the long run.
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#44: November 08, 2022, 12:14:24 AM
I occasionally have dreams where MLCxW makes an appearance... Last night was one (full moon AND a full eclipse?) and it was ..... odd.... She did not look or behave ANYTHING like MLCxW ever did but in the dream I KNEW that is who I was dealing with.... Just...... odd.....

And it really didn't affect me much more than the occasional "That was SO bizarre!"  thought popping up....

I guess that means that we are healing?
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#45: November 08, 2022, 01:47:43 AM
Similar timescale here and I posted recently on my own thread that I had a similar kind of dream. And that, just as you say, what I noticed most was how different my reaction felt.
And yes, evidence that we LBS don’t stay In the same place either  :)
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#46: November 08, 2022, 11:03:39 AM
Well, I hope you are all doing well.  I'm glad for those that are still coming to post.  I do wonder about some who have not been posting any longer and hope that they are well.  I wish that they would come back once in a while to give us an update, even if it is like 3 months or 6 months or a year has gone by.  You all have been like a family to me and someday it would be so nice to go to a HS reunion.  Still sad that I missed out on Tuscany!

Hi FW. I'm sad you missed Tuscany too!  I just came on today for the first time in a while and happened to catch this. Must be a sign. ;)  You sound really great.  I think it is always so healthy when we can get to that part where we can see the MLCer for who they really are, both at the moment and maybe even before they imploded. It's a hard pill to swallow but eventually we get tot he place where we can see their leaving was a true gift to us. Can't believe your youngest is a senior and mine is a sophomore. Time sure flies when we have to do and be everything to everyone. And we wouldn't change if for the world. Happy to see that as usual, you are making to most of everything and living life to the fullest.
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#47: November 08, 2022, 06:19:03 PM
Interesting observations with the dreams UM and Treasur.  I am glad to know that I am not the only one.  I was catching up with MD's thread as well and I think she had one recently too.  Must be part of the healing cycle as we move through the years.

KIT!!!!  So good to "see" your post.  I'm glad you saw the sign.  And it opened up your eyes... oh wait.  Lol.

A sophomore?  My goodness he is growing so fast.  Time sure does fly when we are having fun.  I hope you are doing well.  Hopefully you swung by to do an update?
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#48: November 08, 2022, 06:45:26 PM
Well tonight I'm pretty emotionally drained.  Going to that celebration of life took more out of me than I expected.

I had a couple moments of panic thinking about going and then I reminded myself how brave and courageous I am now.  Lol.  MLCers B and SIL (xBIL, xSIL) were getting out of their vehicle as I approached in my vehicle and I gave them a wave.  We walked in together.  MLCers cousin and his wife who I have maintained lots of communication with were in front of me at the guest register so I gave them hugs and followed them in.  There was a moment of wondering where I should sit but I was able to slip into an open spot on an end cap.  2 rows up was xFIL and xMIL and xMIL looked back and smiled and waved.  She elbowed xFIL and whispered I was there and he turned and smiled and waved.  xBIL and xSIL slipped into the last two seats on the end of their row.  MLCer was on the other end.  I thought it was CovidWifey with him and when she turned and I saw a side profile I was surprised at how old she looked after not seeing her for over a year but then I realized it was not her and an older relative of theirs, lol.  MLCer attended alone, but it was MIL's birthday and she did mention later (when I told her I hoped she had something more fun planned for the rest of her day) that the 6 of them were going out to dinner.   (Her 2 boys and their 2nd wives) - xBIL had a 1st wife but they married when they were 18 and divorced a couple years later.  They didn't have any kids together.  She was out of the picture by the time that MLCer and I started dating so I never met her.  xBIL's new wife has been around for a while now.  They started dating when my S17 was born and D20 was a flower girl in their wedding.

Anyway it went well but I joked with my co-workers later that I was drained from being in a room full of my out-laws.  Really, the only one I was slightly bothered by was one of the older generation women who had sent me a nastygram when we were divorcing.  She had tried to send it anonymously but I knew it was her.  In the nastygram she had berated me for divorcing like it was somehow my fault.  Way to kick a girl while she's already down.  Whatever conclusion she had come to was absolutely incorrect.  Here I was, fighting and praying for my marriage trying to do everything in my power to save it.  Her letter was in no way sympathetic or helpful, but full of judgement and finger pointing.  And later, after the divorce I was still the one in control of the mailbox and she sent him what appeared to be a sympathy card.  Used the same stamps and telling envelope and didn't hide that it was from her.  I had already known the anonymous one was from her, but after all that, there was no doubt.  She slid past xH and I chatting in the aisle after the service.  Gave me a little side eye.  I never said a word.

I did have a bit of a chuckle when they were passing the microphone around and asking for everyone to share their favorite memory of the beloved relative.  Of course I did not take the microphone but my favorite memory had to be the one from after the D.  We attended the same Church and she was always quick with a smile and a hug.  The first time she saw me after the D she gave me a big hug, told me how much she liked me, how she always would think of me as being part of the family and that she had observed him on more than one occasion interacting with me at gatherings and she always thought that he didn't treat me right.  There had been a wedding a while back where she had observed him pinching me and she said that it never sat right with her.  I don't think everyone in the room would've enjoyed that particular fond memory lol.
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#49: November 28, 2022, 08:30:33 PM
Just popping in for an update.  I hope everyone had a good TG.  TG and BF were paid Holidays for me and I took Wednesday as a vacation day, giving me a 5 day weekend, which was so nice and definitely needed.  We have had a busy busy hiring season and a lot of work has been done our first semester.  I am also taking a week off before Christmas and really looking forward to it.

Wednesday was just for me to do whatever I well pleased.  Thursday M and I went to my B's house and helped SIL with the meal.  It was a nice, cozy TG this year with the exact amount of folks to fit around the main table.  B and SIL and their S18 and S21, myself and S17, D20 and S22, and my M.  BF I ran around for a while with my SIL although we didn't head out super early and were more there to just browse and see what we might come across.  It's been kind of hard to shop for these young adults, lol.  We did find a great gift for M.  Later in the day, my nephew 18 was in a car accident and totaled his car.  He's ok and the other car's occupant was ok, but he's sad about the loss of his car.  He's working on getting his CDL, thankfully the accident didn't interfere with his ability to get that.

Saturday was all about cleaning and catching up on the home and yesterday I decorated for Christmas, which was a delight to do and I found myself realizing that this season full of triggers from BD is not nearly as tough to navigate so far as it has been in the past 7 years.

Update on the kids:
At Thanksgiving dinner, S22 announced that he got a new job.  He had taken an EMT course in May and he would love to get on an ambulance service but he's taken a job at a dialysis center and he's super excited for the opportunity.  They were super impressed with him and I could see a new confidence in his demeanor.  He has given his old work plenty of notice, which also, in turn, impressed his new work and has them respecting him more as well.  And he won't be burning any bridges.

D20 and Niece 19 are super excited because they got Taylor Swift tickets for next July so they've been on cloud 9.  They have been planning the logistics of their first solo trip.  D20 will be D21 when that happens. We also discussed and started planning S17's Graduation trip for next Summer, which will happen first, in mid-June.  I also can't remember if I mentioned that D20 got a raise.  She was super responsible and went to the owners and asked for a raise, which is something completely out of her comfort zone.  She would like to move out of S22's house and get a place with Niece 20, but the rental market is ridiculous so they haven't found anything great yet.  In order to do that, though, she needed to make just a little bit more.  Her boss absolutely does not want to lose her for somewhere else, so she made that happen.  She also told them she was happy to pick up whatever extra hours they could give her.

S17 has been doing fabulous at the Fire Station.  He seriously works so hard and so many hours.  I've gotten to where I go to bed and don't wait up for him and tell him to just stick his head in my room to tell me he's home because I can't keep waiting up for him and function the next day.  I do not worry about him on the job, only when he is driving to and from work is when I worry.  I sometimes worry that he's being so responsible that he's missing out on being a kid and that will come back to bite him later.  Lots of people tell me that not all youngsters need to run wild.  I think working for the Fire Station makes him realize the true consequences of doing stupid things.  Also, taking him to Germany where he was able to drink responsibly maybe helped too, so he doesn't have that wild urge to party it up.  They really love him at the Station and if all goes well, he could become a Probationary right after graduation.  He debated graduating in December, but the paid student internship isn't looking to run out of funds with their grant until the Spring, and he is going to start concurrent enrollment with EMT courses at the Community College that will be paid for by the District so it makes sense to wait to graduate.  He wanted to know what he should do and I told him that it was his decision but that he should weigh all the pros and cons and then he would be satisfied with the decision he made.

He is even responsible with most of the money he's made, putting into savings, purchasing study books for his trade and new boots and EMT pants, etc.  The rest he spends on food lol.  I don't blame him for that one, he's burning a lot of calories doing what he does.

M has good moments and rough memory moments.  We've had a few struggles, she did get upset with me the other day, although I think she was upset with herself for forgetting a very long conversation we had together.  I was helping her sign up for a Medicare Advantage Plan, but we didn't know that the one she picked she would be assigned a new doctor or have to choose one in their network.  We were not happy to find out that she cannot use her regular doctor and so we are trying to figure out what our options are or if we have to wait until Jan-Mar to pick a different plan.  I guess by the time I need Medicare I will be a pro at it.  After she stormed out of my room the other night, I sat down with my B and SIL for lunch and asked for help.  I am in the day-to-day care with M so I explained that I needed someone that I could tell my M to ask for help when it comes to some things, so that she doesn't blame me or think I am incompetent, etc.  Also, I am only available to have conversations in the evening's when I'm off work, and evening's are not a great time with someone who has memory issues, possibly early dementia.  And to be honest, I was exhausted thinking about how many hour and a half long conversations I would have to repeat another evening because she had forgotten them.  I could definitely use a shoulder or some loving advice from anyone who has gone or is going through something similar with their parents on how to navigate this.  My B's hours have recently been reduced to 32 so he is going to be available a little more right now too.  I think she grew up in the era where men often made the decision and so I think it will be good to defer to him and tell her she can call him for help, then I can be reliable to her in the day-to-day different way.

We aren't to the point that I worry about her safety while I'm gone, but I am not sure how fast she is going to slip so we need to lock a few things in before then.  Some days, the road ahead seems overwhelming, and other days I feel like a real live Wonder Woman.

But, with everything else in my life, at this point I don't see any room for dating, nor does the thought truly appeal to me right now.  In fact, it sounds downright exhausting lol.  Maybe down the road, we will see.  Honestly, I am truly content with life right now.  I like my job, my kids are great, we plan trips together and I can make decisions without factoring a spouse into the equation.  However, with truly the right partner, things would just come together and fit naturally I think.  So I won't completely factor it out.  However, it's up to God to make something happen if it is supposed to because I am not out looking, nor am I online dating, lol.  Like I said, exhausting.  Ha!
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« Last Edit: November 28, 2022, 08:34:37 PM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#50: December 16, 2022, 09:46:46 PM
Hello all, popping in for a journal entry.

This last week was the 7th anniversary of BD and it came and went without much thought by me.  I was aware of it in the background, but not DEEPLY aware of it if you know what I mean.

This week I am irritated with MLCer though.  Every Christmas break we have our set days and then we usually call or text and negotiate the other days.  This year my Christmas time is the 22nd through 8pm on Christmas Eve and then his is 8pm Christmas eve through the 26th.  I have New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.  And then we take the other days and split them with what makes sense.  This year he decided that he should just negotiate with S17 and told him he should just do our usual schedule we do in the Summer of Sunday to Sunday with each of us only that makes no sense since the Holidays are on Sundays.  I know he's already planning on having S for Christmas and it is MY year with S for New Years.  That should be non-negotiable.  And it's S's last at home before becoming an adult and graduating.  I'm feeling disrespected yet again that he can't just have a conversation with me.  This happened before school started when he told S that we should just continue week on week off.  During the school year we do NOT do that and I argued was absolutely against it.  S agreed with me and we maintained the status quo.  It's just so frustrating that he can't have a conversation with me, even though S is 17, he still shouldn't be trying to negotiate the parenting plan with him.  Let S be a kid as long as he can, sheesh.  He will have his own ways of negotiating both of us once he's an adult.

Anyway, all I could really do is show S the calendar and explain how his Christmas break could be equally split between us without either one of us forfeiting our pre-negotiated holidays.  When I'm working, I really don't care if S chooses not to be here, but I want to spend time with him too, especially when I'm off work.  The way that MLCer goes about it feels sneaky and manipulative.

So today was the first day of 11 days off.  I wasn't planning on today off but we ended up having to get a new boiler and a new hot water heater so I wanted to be on hand for the repairs.  It will be nice to have new stuff but boy is it ever expensive.  It's working itself out though.

I'm looking forward to some time to be able to not rush on the Christmas season, and have some plans for some baking, strolling downtown window shopping with the beautiful Christmas lights all around, driving to tour the beautiful light displays, pjs, movies and hot chocolate, reading a book on the lounger in the living room with the twinkling lights from the tree and Christmas music in the background.  It's nice to have my joy back, and it's been coming back each year just a little bit more.

M is struggling a little bit so I think it's good that I am not.  Tomorrow marks one year from losing her brother, the first of her siblings to pass.  He should have had many more years and we lost him to Covid.  My Aunt was hospitalized the next day and was released on Christmas eve.  And then of course this is M's first Christmas without my step-dad.  I'm glad she is here with me and not alone.

Sending lots of love to the newbies who are in the thick of it with your first Christmases post BD.  I remember how that felt and it can be really hard for several years.  What really helped me was to find new traditions with my kiddos, family and friends that we could do together.  And now I really cherish those new traditions, but if something doesn't work out, I have learned to roll with it and still find something that I can do, even if it is alone.  The ache around being alone is gone and I've learned to like hanging out with me.
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Living Through The Ghost
#51: December 17, 2022, 07:12:12 AM
FW- Always the hardest thing to understand is the inability to be able just have a conversation and to just always put the kids first no matter their age. To me that is always the clearest sign that they still are deep in crisis. Have a great holiday and time off work :)
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Living Through The Ghost
#52: December 17, 2022, 07:34:31 AM
It's just so frustrating that he can't have a conversation with me, even though S is 17, he still shouldn't be trying to negotiate the parenting plan with him.  Let S be a kid as long as he can, sheesh.  He will have his own ways of negotiating both of us once he's an adult.

I deal with this all time with my XW when it comes to having indirect communication through the kids.  It is so frustrating and I have just learned to be diligent in following up with direct communication.  My XW has outlined recently that we are now D and our contact should be limited except for the kids.   I told her I agree but our kid's busy schedules require communication.   Makes me wonder if MLCers compartmentalize so much of their life that  communication just interferes with their ability to block out their past poor choices.

Glad you are doing well FW and I hope you enjoy your time off.   I too don't have the kids this Christmas which will be the first time for me.   It's tough but I will enjoy the peace over the Christmas week.

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Living Through The Ghost
#53: December 19, 2022, 05:27:55 PM

Sending lots of love to the newbies who are in the thick of it with your first Christmases post BD.  I remember how that felt and it can be really hard for several years.   I have learned to roll with it and still find something that I can do, even if it is alone.  The ache around being alone is gone and I've learned to like hanging out with me.


I most certainly agree with the about statements, FW.  Good advice for those at the beginning of the journey. 

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Living Through The Ghost
#54: December 20, 2022, 11:18:22 AM
FW- Always the hardest thing to understand is the inability to be able just have a conversation and to just always put the kids first no matter their age. To me that is always the clearest sign that they still are deep in crisis. Have a great holiday and time off work :)
 

True ML.  Happy Holidays to you!


Makes me wonder if MLCers compartmentalize so much of their life that  communication just interferes with their ability to block out their past poor choices.

That would make sense HF.  Sorry you are in the no kids boat on Christmas Day also, but sounds like you are making the best of it.


Sending lots of love to the newbies who are in the thick of it with your first Christmases post BD.  I remember how that felt and it can be really hard for several years.   I have learned to roll with it and still find something that I can do, even if it is alone.  The ache around being alone is gone and I've learned to like hanging out with me.


I most certainly agree with the about statements, FW.  Good advice for those at the beginning of the journey. 



Hey SB!  Look how far we have come.  I hope you are doing well.
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Living Through The Ghost
#55: December 20, 2022, 11:46:17 AM
Well, I seem to be fighting a bit of this respiratory junk too, so I've been trying to balance my break with rest and sleep along with the activities.  It's not that I feel particularly bad, but I wake up and it seems the congestion is causing some coughing first thing in the morning.  I'm sleeping fine though so it's only bothering me when I wake up and start to get moving.  Everyone in town seems to have something or another.  I think mine just might be sinus drainage, they like to act up this time of year.  Flu always seems to come around or near February to Spring Break for me if I'm gonna get it at all.

Last night, I went out with my D20 and MLC's niece 19 (MY NIECE) and we walked Main street and oohed and awwed over the window displays and enjoyed the lights of Main.  All the shops close early though so we just did a brisk lap up and down.  I was dressed for the cold, the girls weren't lol.  Silly girls.  We jumped back in the car and warmed up and went Christmas lights touring.  We were all laughing so hard and due to the upper respiratory stuff, my laughing was literal wheezing, which made them laugh even more.  We had a great time together. Came back to my place and S17 got home from the fire station and we all watched Ticket to Paradise.

It's always so quiet after the chaos of the kids.  S17 had plopped down in the little tiny space between D and I throwing elbows which ensued sharp fingernail pokes from D and tickles from me.  Then S17 threw a pillow at niece and broke a glass.  He cleaned up what he could see which means that this morning I was still cleaning up glass.  D was snapchatting funny filters on S which made him ticked off.  S stole D's phone and then she was wrestling him to get it back.  Pure chaos I tell ya.

Today I will run out and do some shopping.  Gotta pick up some ingredients for baking.  D is off work tomorrow and D and my M and I are going to bake (and no bake) cookies and treats.

My B sent a picture of his dogs last night.  I guess they got into one of my presents and destroyed (and ate it).  They hung a sign around the German Shepherd's neck that says "We ate Aunt Faith's present" with a sad face.  I chuckled pretty hard.  The GS's face says how sorry he is lol.  The Cocker Spaniel is partially blind and deaf but she's the one that sniffed it out, nothing wrong with her nose.  The GS, he was just an accomplice.  My other B sent a picture of the aftermath of his dogs being naughty.  They got into about 20 bags of candy.  Each bag had 3 chocolate covered espresso beans.  He's up in Alaska so we were making jokes about how he should go ahead and hook his dogs up as sled dogs right about now.  He'd have the fastest sled in town. 
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2022, 11:47:23 AM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#56: January 09, 2023, 09:39:01 PM
Hello all.  Doing fairly well.  I was off today as I had to have a medical procedure, but once I got in there, the Specialist decided not to do it and to try something else first.  Less invasive, but possibly longer to see results, idk.

Two things popped up for me today.  First, a post on Facebook for empowering women, begging us to stop using the words mid-life crisis.  Oh it made we want to vomit.  Really, what they were talking about was more on the lines of women going through mid-life transitions, not humans blowing up their entire family units, etc.  They have no idea.  I wanted to post, but I refrained, as it wouldn't do any good anyway.

The other thing was a thing on grief.  I knew this probably deep down, but it still surprised me anyway.  Was talking about loss and then secondary loss.  It was in the terms of death, but definitely hit home to me.

Primary loss
The person who died left

Secondary losses
Loss of a part of ourselves
Loss of identity
Loss of self-confidence
Loss of security
Loss of financial support
Loss of family structure as it was once known
Loss of "dreams"
Loss of the future
Loss of direction
Loss of shared goals
Loss of daily sharing
Loss of control
Loss of trust
Loss of decision-making ability
Loss of patience with self and others
Loss of health
Loss of humor, happiness, or joy
Loss of residence


Some of that, with time, we gain back, but some is never the same ever again. 

Well, that's all for now.  Good night.
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Living Through The Ghost
#57: January 09, 2023, 10:41:33 PM
FW,

Yes. This list articulates well the extreme grief, pain, and anguish we struggle through regarding our identity. On top of that is dealing with OW/OM and the pain that betrayal brings.

And not to forget the year or so before BD with the gaslighting, picking fights, and push/pull that they do to justify leaving.

No wonder we are decimated and have to build ourselves back from the ground up.

And for those with young children......
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2023, 11:18:10 PM by Reinventing »

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Re: Living Through The Ghost
#58: January 11, 2023, 10:00:58 AM
FW, the only redeeming factor in all of the losses we suffer is that once those things are gone, we can grow in ways we never knew were possible and exchange them with better things.  Yes, easier said than done sometimes, but still the opportunities exist, and smooth waters never a skilled sailor produced.
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Living Through The Ghost
#59: February 06, 2023, 10:20:27 PM
FW,

Yes. This list articulates well the extreme grief, pain, and anguish we struggle through regarding our identity. On top of that is dealing with OW/OM and the pain that betrayal brings.

And not to forget the year or so before BD with the gaslighting, picking fights, and push/pull that they do to justify leaving.

No wonder we are decimated and have to build ourselves back from the ground up.

And for those with young children......

Very true Reinventing

FW, the only redeeming factor in all of the losses we suffer is that once those things are gone, we can grow in ways we never knew were possible and exchange them with better things.  Yes, easier said than done sometimes, but still the opportunities exist, and smooth waters never a skilled sailor produced.

Also true BB.  Definitely a more skilled sailor here after all the rough waters.  Some things I still struggle with, but don't beat myself up over those things.

Well, it's been a while since I've done an update.  Not really much to update on.  S17 and D20 now have insurance through me.  MLCer has held up his end of the bargain and has been sending extra $ to cover part of the premiums from my paycheck.  D covers a small amount of the other half and I bring up the rest.  I've been trying to snatch a little overtime here and there to make up for the difference in my paycheck.  D made it to the eye doctor's today and was able to get some new glasses ordered.  S and I have our check-ups tomorrow.

Dentist and Medical visits still to go and the work of picking a new medical provider and facility.

S17 is staying busy with his firefighter internship.  He received an award recently, which was pretty neat.  He was not expecting that and went to the ceremony to support the others at the department.  Thankfully, one of his lieutenants wives started working with me last month and she was able to get me pictures and a video of him accepting his award.  I am one proud mama.

S22 started a new job at a dialysis center and things are going well.  Complete and total shift from his previous work and different hours but a real grown up job!  I am also very proud of him.

D20 and Niece20 have been looking for apartments together.  They might have found one and are going to look at it on Wednesday.  They are excited for the new possibilities and D is doing all she can to figure out the budgeting and everything.

M is doing okay.  We had another doctor appointment for her last week and it went well.  We didn't get much of a memory test done but the doctor assured me we would do another at her next appointment in 3 months.  I haven't seen a major decline since the last appointment in October so I think that is good.  Still just little things here and there, short term stuff.  Physically, she's doing pretty well, just having some pain in her hips which the doctor called trigger points.  I take her back in March to get an injection of lidocaine which is supposed to help bring some relief.  Her thyroid is holding steady at really great levels so the doctor encouraged her to keep doing what she's been doing.

Not much to report on me.  Just work and being a cheerleader for my kids and support person for my mama.  I did get to dress up for a fancy event on Saturday night.  Mainly volunteering but I had a little time for fun too.  My BFF worked it with me so we enjoyed some BFF time.

I'm counting down the days until warm weather and getting back outside more.  D wants to paddle board and hike more and I'm right there with her wanting to plan for those things.  Unfortunately we still have a lot of winter and a false spring and then more winter before we actually get there lol.

In the meantime, I live for our every other week dinners together (kids x3), monthly card game nights with my BFF, and continue to strive for that really great work/life balance.  Trying to be more active and eat healthier, spending time in Bible study/devotions and prayer, binge watching too much Netflix/Peacock and trying to get back into reading as I started off the year with a bang in that department but have slowed down quite a bit. 

Emotionally I'm in a pretty darn good place.  Definitely way more up than down.  And I am extremely content with my life.  Some anger once in a while when I struggle over something that wouldn't be hard if I were in a healthy relationship but overall, I know I am in a much better place and better off where I am now.

I do miss flirting and banter and all of the fun that comes with dating and relationships, but I love how confident I am in myself and being me.  I'm really enjoying being in that place of just learning who I am and liking who I am.  Some day maybe there will be someone that can keep up, but I will be okay regardless.   ;)
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Living Through The Ghost
#60: February 07, 2023, 02:42:59 AM
I do miss flirting and banter and all of the fun that comes with dating and relationships, but I love how confident I am in myself and being me.  I'm really enjoying being in that place of just learning who I am and liking who I am.  Some day maybe there will be someone that can keep up, but I will be okay regardless.   ;)

With the part in BOLD, the part in italics will come all on its own. Nothing is more attractive than a self-confident, authentic person....
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Living Through The Ghost
#61: February 07, 2023, 06:36:03 AM
Quote
Emotionally I'm in a pretty darn good place.  Definitely way more up than down.  And I am extremely content with my life.  Some anger once in a while when I struggle over something that wouldn't be hard if I were in a healthy relationship but overall, I know I am in a much better place and better off where I am now.

This made me smile this morning......I cannot believe how long it takes to get to this place of peace!

Quote
I'm counting down the days until warm weather and getting back outside more.  D wants to paddle board and hike more and I'm right there with her wanting to plan for those things.  Unfortunately we still have a lot of winter and a false spring and then more winter before we actually get there lol.

Maybe we'll have a chance to meet up when the weather is better...would love to see you again!

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Living Through The Ghost
#62: February 07, 2023, 05:07:42 PM
Nice update, FW.  And, speaking from my own experience, and also agreeing with UM, your self confidence and strength are both characteristics that will absolutely attract a high value man.  You are in a place now that you need do nothing more than let him come and find you 😊
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Living Through The Ghost
#63: February 09, 2023, 05:59:47 PM
I do miss flirting and banter and all of the fun that comes with dating and relationships, but I love how confident I am in myself and being me.  I'm really enjoying being in that place of just learning who I am and liking who I am.  Some day maybe there will be someone that can keep up, but I will be okay regardless.   ;)

With the part in BOLD, the part in italics will come all on its own. Nothing is more attractive than a self-confident, authentic person....

Oh, I never really thought about that.  And also hoping that it will attract the right sort of person and deter the rest, HA

Quote
Emotionally I'm in a pretty darn good place.  Definitely way more up than down.  And I am extremely content with my life.  Some anger once in a while when I struggle over something that wouldn't be hard if I were in a healthy relationship but overall, I know I am in a much better place and better off where I am now.

This made me smile this morning......I cannot believe how long it takes to get to this place of peace!

Quote
I'm counting down the days until warm weather and getting back outside more.  D wants to paddle board and hike more and I'm right there with her wanting to plan for those things.  Unfortunately we still have a lot of winter and a false spring and then more winter before we actually get there lol.

Maybe we'll have a chance to meet up when the weather is better...would love to see you again!



I'm glad that I was able to make you smile XY.  And yes, I would love to meet up again!

Nice update, FW.  And, speaking from my own experience, and also agreeing with UM, your self confidence and strength are both characteristics that will absolutely attract a high value man.  You are in a place now that you need do nothing more than let him come and find you 😊

I love that, and feel optimistic for the future.
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Living Through The Ghost
#64: February 17, 2023, 10:07:36 PM
Hi FW,

Your optimism inspires me so much.   I am on that path but still not there yet in my life.    Appreciate hearing how well you are doing emotionally and the contentment that you feel in your life.   I too would like another relationship at some point but I don't need one to find joy.   Trying to enjoy the little things which is enough for me.

Have a great weekend,

HF
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Living Through The Ghost
#65: March 02, 2023, 07:59:14 PM
Well D20 has moved out of S22's house and into a 3rd story apartment with neice20.  D20 actually called her F to help us with the move and MLCer and his new wife came and helped.  New wife and I worked together quite a bit and it was actually, overall, a pretty pleasant day.

My younger nephew19, younger brother to nephew22 who lives with S22, ended up taking the 3rd bedroom in S's house after D moved out.  I'm thankful he found another roommate right away and that it was someone as mellow as my nephew and there shouldn't be any issues with the household.

Not much more to update.  We have some things at work going on and we are waiting for the Board to decide on a path forward. 

M is doing ok.  She had to get some injections in her hips today for trigger points and we are hoping that will give her some relief.

I've been kind of tired lately, and bruising easily.  I've struggled with anemia on and off throughout my life.  I'm hoping I can get my iron levels up soon.

S17 will be S18 this month.  He's crazy busy with his firefighter internship.  He's also broken the news to me that his Senior trip is off the table.  He urged us to go without him but we would never do that lol.  He is planning on taking the same EMT course that S22 took and the course starts in May so now he can't take the time for a Summer vacay.

I was planning on taking my M to my oldest brother's place in Alaska in September but perhaps we will move up our plan to be June instead.

So there's my update.  I hope you all are doing well.   :)
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Living Through The Ghost
#66: March 03, 2023, 03:21:30 AM
For your iron levels:

Vegetarians do NOT need to read farther!

Venetian Style Liver

1 lb calves liver cut into strips about 1/4" on a side and as long as you wish
2 medium red onions cut into thin half-circle slices
3-4 cloves of garlic (chopped fine or pressed)
High quality Olive Oil (You'll need enough - can't tell you how much exactly as I add it as I go)
about 1 cup of flour
Italian Spice mix (Basil, Oregano, Marjoram, etc)
1 tablespoon salt
2 teaspoons black pepper (fresh ground if possible)
250ml (what's that? about a cup?) dry red wine
1/4 cup dark balsamic vinegar

Mix the flour, spices, salt and pepper together
On medium-high heat, fry the onions and garlic in 4 Tablespoons of olive oil until soft, then shove it to the rim of the skillet
Dredge/coat the liver pieces in the flour/spice mixture and fry them portion by portion in the same skillet on medium to medium-high until the coating is browned (not too long or you will end up with shoe leather liver) as the portions are done, either scoop them out and set them aside or shove them to the rim of the skillet too. You will likely need to add more olive oil in this step until all the liver is done.
Once all the liver is done, put it all back in the pan, mix it with the onions and garlic well and then add the wine and vinegar,
Stir it softly but well. The mix will thicken from the flour coating so you may need to add a bit of water too
Let it simmer about 15-20 minutes on a low heat so the liver is completely cooked through, stirring often and adding water to thin the sauce as needed.
The sauce should be pretty thick in the end. You can add wine or vinegar to accommodate your personal tastes.
Serve over a robust pasta (Pappardelle, Tagliatelle, etc.) or with fried potatoes (I cut them in chunks and fry them in olive oil with onion, garlic, and a Tablespoon of Lawry's Seasoning Salt) and a green salad....

Voila - doesn't have that strong "liver" taste (still tastes a bit like liver but it is mild) and is super high in iron....
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Living Through The Ghost
#67: March 03, 2023, 07:28:28 PM
Hmmm....I don't like liver, but might have to try this
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Living Through The Ghost
#68: March 04, 2023, 04:02:09 AM
FW, I've used cast iron skillets for anemia with success. Here's an example of a number of studies on this:

Mineral migration and influence of meal preparation in iron cookware on the iron nutritional status of vegetarian students
Késia Diego Quintaes, Jaime Amaya-Farfan, Fernanda Mariana Tomazini, Marcelo Antonio Morgano, Niurka Maritza de Almeyda Hajisa, José Trezza Neto
Ecology of food and nutrition 46 (2), 125-141, 2007. That particular study found "iron anemia decreased from 32.1 to 5.3%, while the prevalence of hematologically normal individuals increased from 41 to 67.8%."

And the old cast iron pans that your grandparents used are smoother and work better. They new ones are made faster and don't have as smooth of a surface as the old ones.

https://www.foodandwine.com/lifestyle/kitchen/the-real-reason-why-cast-iron-isnt-as-smooth-as-it-used-to-be

I cook everything in there and it is as good as a Teflon nonstick pan.
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#69: March 04, 2023, 08:18:24 AM
My mom had a cast iron skillet when we were growing up.  I wonder if it's in her storage shed.  I will ask her.
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Re: Living Through The Ghost
#70: March 04, 2023, 11:40:49 AM
Other iron sources- raisins and molasses.
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Living Through The Ghost
#71: May 05, 2023, 07:45:32 PM
Wow, when I last posted we were discussing my iron, but unbeknownst to me I started running a fever that night and ended up having Covid for the 3rd time.  My 24 year old coworker took down me and 4 of my team members, so almost half of our 13 person team.  When I started getting symptoms, I asked my M to go stay with my B and SIL because at the time it felt like the flu and I figured it wouldn't matter if it was flu, strep, or Covid, I really didn't want her to get it.  She refused to leave though and ended up getting Covid as well.

It was her first time that we know of and thankfully she fared better than I did.  But we are both doing well and no one else got it from us.

So, yes, it's been a few months since I updated.  I am staying busy and S17 turned to S18 and we are just a few weeks out from his Graduation.  Once he turned 18, he was allowed to do overnights at the Fire Station so he has been working about 40 hours at the Fire Station and another 30 hours at his other paid job.  He's getting ready to do an EMT course this summer and then he should be all set with his fire career.  I'm very proud of him.  His picture was in the news just this last week with the caption "first responders conduct life saving measures on a volunteer as part of the .... emergency drill."  Our local airport staged a plane crash and called out to many agencies here and he was one of the ones on the call.  He was in 3 or 4 of the pictures from the article.  I am so proud! 

The other big news is that MLCer reached out and asked if we could do a shared Graduation party for S18 and that he would offer his and his wife's home to host.  We are doing it.  This is going to be interesting and hopefully everything goes ok.  Eeek!  I talked it over with S18 and pretty much left the decision up to him.  I think we can all come together for one evening in S18's honor.  I just keep thinking of all the things in the future that we will have to come together for.  Weddings, grandkids, funerals, etc.  Might as well bite the bullet and get the first gathering over with.

S18 is busy in June when we were planning on his Senior trip, so D20 (who will barely be D21 when we leave), B and SIL and I are going to take a trip.  Not out of Country this time.  S is hoping that we can all do that next year and maybe S22 (almost S23) will be able to come as well.  We will see. 

M is doing okay, not much has changed, just the same memory trouble, but the doctor does want her to do an MRI.  No one has called to schedule it yet, but hopefully we can get that scheduled soon.  My younger B, S18, S22 and my cousins will be around to keep an eye on M while I am traveling.  I will be checking in with her every day as well.

Well, that's my update for you all. I will try to come back and post more and be around again, and help with things again.  I will definitely let you all know how the party goes.
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Living Through The Ghost
#72: May 29, 2023, 04:47:47 PM
Well, I turned 45 on Friday.  I was 37 at the time of Bomb Drop.  Time keeps on ticking, into the future.  LOL

S18's graduation was good, although long.  I had too much on my plate to get too worked up over my "baby" graduating.  I think that sharing time spent with him since the D when he was 11 has actually eased me into the "empty nester" thing.  Also, he's been done with school and doing other things since December so the ceremony was just kind of a finalization of all of that.

For me, what was harder was having my M's capacity diminished as it became very apparent this last week.  Normally I have the bandwidth for doing what I need to help with that, but graduation week I was trying to focus on S and stressing a bit about the shared party and everything.  I could've really used my M and who she used to be, so that was very hard.

I only worked on Monday and Tuesday of S's grad week.  Wednesday morning I took M to her hair appointment and thought the hair dresser (who is my D's friend's M) did a great job with the perm and hair cut.  She added a little gel and M's hair was perfect and ready for the evening's graduation ceremony, but later on, when S went to find the hair dryer, M ended up having it, which means she got her hair wet and used heat on it, which is a big no-no after just getting a perm.

Graduation night MLCer saved seats for us and I walked over to the stadium with M (and D and my niece from their apartment).  It was a little disappointing because the speaker wasn't working in our section and then the speaker up front on our side of the field also ended up going out pretty early on so we couldn't really hear anything.  MLCer's family just started talking and I had forgotten how negative everyone can be.  It was draining me.  Couple that with trying to kind of keep tabs on my M, who ended up misplacing my niece's card (my youngest B's daughter was also graduating) and it was a little stressful.  Apparently they decided last minute to not go in any order and let the kids sit with their friends, and S ended up being towards the very last of the kids called.  It seemed kind of odd to me, but MLCer and his wife did not sit together.  Maybe it was out of deference to the company they were keeping, but to me it just came across as odd as they've been married for 3 years now.  And I would have been fine it they sat together.  MLCer was giving D a hard time about the lack of communication between them.  "D you don't write, you don't call, etc." and somehow D landed on sending carrier pigeons which had us all laughing.  xSIL and xBIL left before S18 walked up to get his diploma as his back was hurting him and she wanted to go across the street to a Mexican restaurant and have margaritas.  I guess their plan was to stay long enough for him to walk (alphabetically he was 4th on the list) and that got all screwed up so they left.

Afterwards, I ran M home as she was worn out and then I met up with MLC'ers Aunt, her grandkids (who I call my niece and nephew as I did daycare for them for so long), and my 3 kiddos at a restaurant at almost 10pm lol.  xMIL and FIL and MLCer and wife went home after the graduation and D20 had said they were too tired.

The next day I was off work and trying to do some prep for S's party at MLCers house the next day and after the negativity of the night before I was regretting my agreement to have a double party, lol.  My M came down in a mood and was completely self focused about the perm and what went wrong and had the details completely wrong and blamed the hair dresser when I literally sat at her appointment the whole time and watched how the whole thing went down.  She got it all messed up and was really focused on that.  I know we are just supposed to agree with them, but I failed at that as I felt I needed to defend the hair dresser and state what I had seen and then that she had used heat and gotten her hair wet.  She decided that both getting it wet and using heat was okay for a perm.  Oy vey.  Then, my SIL who I love and adore and rely on quite often and who was supposed to make the cake had gotten called across the State and wasn't going to be there for any of it, which had me bummed.  She's also my go to person to vent, shop with, etc.  We figured out an alternative for the cake, but then S's cake topper came in damaged so I had to deal with gluing it and hoping it would hold up.  There was just a lot.  My BFF was working and I didn't have her so I just kind of felt like an island and a bit defeated all the sudden, but I rallied.

Thursday night I did a serving job for a coworker's graduation party.  It was a high end double graduation and she paid me very generously, which was nice, but I was exhausted at the end of the night.  I did everything in the background so that she could just mingle with her guests.  When I got home Thursday night, M actually asked me what still needed done for the party and I mentioned that I needed to go to the store for a few more things in the morning.  She offered to go to the store with me and said she would help pay for it since she knew there was a lot of expense with him graduating.

The next morning it was if that conversation never happened.  I told her I was just about ready for us to head to the store and her response was "I don't need to go, why would I go?"  I texted D and asked if she would want to go shopping with me and she was on board, so that was nice.  I had to run over to my B's to pick up the cake platter that my SIL had left for me and I just kind of cried some grief tears in the car on the way over.  It definitely does feel like a long goodbye when your parent becomes diminished.  We talked about M for a bit and I shared how sad I was feeling about it.  I picked up D and we got done what we needed to get done.  I told her about her Grandma and told her I hope that I am not in that same boat when her future kids graduate.

The party was good, not too awkward.  It was nice to see some people that used to be in my life, but that MLCer gained in the D.  And my people who came, who were also friends with this couple got to visit with them after not seeing them either.  The party was in MLC'ers back yard and he had set up the serving tables and stuff in his detached garage, so we really didn't go in the house, although the basement sliding doors were open in case anyone needed a restroom.  I brought a cornhole board and my brother brought a cornhole board.  Everyone seemed to have a good time.  I was no longer stressed once I got there and just knew that the night would flow as it would.  I went over early and had S22 bring M over when he came.  MLCer was pretty busy cooking so he didn't really mingle until after a lot of us were done eating and I had moved inside the garage and was hanging out with the kids.  At one point, the wife of one of the couples that I gained in the D asked me to point out his new wife as she had no idea which one she was as they hadn't been together the whole night.  She was sitting up close to the house with my xMIL.  My friend said "at least she isn't the one he cheated with" and I agreed that I harbored no ill will against her and had no reason to dislike her.

I was hanging out with my kiddos and my nephew and a couple of S18's friends towards the end of the night and then got up to help xMIL start cleaning up.  M was sitting near the kids enjoying their banter as well.  When it was time for M and I to leave I hugged xMIL and xFIL and even side hugged the new wife and thanked her for her hospitality.  And it seemed awkward to hug everyone left and not include MLCer in that, so I side hugged him too.  Like RT said in her post I read earlier about her MLCer.  He seems like a family member, just not my husband.  M said when we got home later that when I went to hug him he grimaced like he was in pain and she had to turn away so as not to laugh out loud.  Of course I've already mentioned that M's recollection is spotty, so who knows.  But it doesn't matter to me either way.  Having a dual party was definitely taking the high road and hopefully it was good for S.  And it was MLCers request that I agreed to after asking S what he wanted.

MLCer and his wife offered to throw D a party for her birthday and let her invite whoever she wanted, so we all ended back over there this last Friday night (which was my birthday).  This time inside the house.  It was a smaller crowd and there was a little trepidation going into it.  My B and SIL called me and asked "do we have to?" lol - they weren't too keen on it but because of D they went any way.  D was apologetic that it was planned on my birthday but I told her it was okay.  There is no place I'd rather be on my birthday then hanging out with my kiddos, and all 3 kiddos were going to be there.  It was a smaller gathering, with MLCers wife and step-daughter, xMIL and FIL, MLCers Aunt and cousin and her 2 kids (again, the ones I claim all the time).  And then myself and my 3 kiddos, my M, my B and SIL, and my nephews 19 and 22.  And MLCers friend from Tennessee and his son who were visiting.  Again, MLCer was pretty busy cooking.  It all went very smoothly.  I think we are all finally at a good place where we can do this when it is necessary for the kids that we do!  And I'm happy that I'm able to do this even though I am single.  I think that truly shows my healing that's been happening.  If there is to be anyone for me in the future, it will be interesting to see how he integrates into the family dynamic.  At this point, with having kids together, there are going to be future weddings and most likely grandkids as well.  So I have got to make this work.   :)

The rest of my weekend has been great, although I still need to find a time to actually celebrate MY birthday, lol.  Saturday was my BFF's D18's graduation so D20 and I hung out over there all day.  Played some volleyball, did some song trivia, and then ended the night around the fire pit.

Sunday D20 became D21 officially and D, niece 20 (D's roommate and MLCer's cousins kid - those two girls are pretty much a package deal) and I all went out paddleboarding at the lake.  S18 met up with us and then left a little earlier than us to go to baseball with MLCer and his friend who was in town for the big baseball tournament.  After we got cleaned up from paddle boarding, the 2 girls and I met up with D's friend who is 21 and her M (the hair dresser) and we took D out for dinner and some drinks.  Not too crazy, just a couple places (where niece 20 could also go).  We closed the 2nd place down on a Sunday night and I got back home about 12:40am.  Today I am exhausted and my body also hurts from the sugar inflammation lol.

Later this week I will probably make myself a pineapple upside down cake and call it my birthday celebration. 
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2023, 04:50:28 PM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#73: June 01, 2023, 08:52:51 PM
Hi FW,

Sorry to hear about your Mom.  Hang in there as you do your best to support her.

Really like your attitude and efforts about working with your MLCer for sake of your children.  I am doing the same and it’s been rewarding for me.

I recently took my girls to church and the message was about forgiveness.  In the car afterward, I let my girls know that at some point someone will hurt you and forgiveness will be important.  I used examples or two people who hurt me and the path I had taken in my heart.  The first was a friend and I shared some detail. The girls asked about the second, I let them know it was someone who was close to me.  They figured it out I was talking about their Mom and no there was need to say more. 

I truly have forgiven my XW despite all her craziness.  I still pray she finds her way out of the crises someday.

Enjoy your kids, family, and friends.  Your story gives me so much hope.

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Living Through The Ghost
#74: June 02, 2023, 10:17:04 PM
Wow, FW. That was a lot of togetherness squeezed together. I think it’s great. I wish my situation could be that. It never will be. I think it is the healthiest options for your kids and in many ways you. I think who ever you choose in your life will blend in seamlessly, because you will pick someone that your kids will accept and approve of.

And… Happy Birthday!! 45?? Plzzzzz you are a young pup. I am getting ready to turn 61. Ughh
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« Last Edit: June 02, 2023, 10:18:21 PM by MadLuv »
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Living Through The Ghost
#75: June 03, 2023, 06:30:53 AM
I love pineapple upside down cake with real whipped cream! Happy birthday!

Sounds like a lot of activities crammed into a short time. The graduation parties are different than what I was used to in Canada and I have been invited to a few...so much fun!

Thank you for writing about the ups and downs of being in the same space as your exh. If it can be possible to do this without it causing us harm, then for many reasons, I think it is a good thing.

You have created a full and good life and continue to take care of others. Your mom's dementia is very hard to deal with, my mom also had dementia and it is terrible.

May you have a lovely summer. Let me know if you are in Denver sometime, would love to see you again!
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" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Living Through The Ghost
#76: June 05, 2023, 09:46:14 PM
FW - another daughter here with a mother with dementia.  She does still know me but has been in a facility for a year and a half now.

Your graduation sounds very busy!  You handled it nicely.  Well done!

It's time to get out your paddleboard and relax now. 

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Living Through The Ghost
#77: June 18, 2023, 09:21:09 PM
Thank you everyone.  Mom is in the early stages, but I would like to have that MRI done and I don't know if it will give answers or progression timeline or anything but would make me feel better to have that done.  I've been on a fun bucket list road trip the last week and my little brother and my sons were checking in on Mom for me.  She gave me a scare when her phone went offline for 19 hours but I was able to get one of my boys over there and he popped her SIM card out and back in and that fixed the problem, whatever it was.  Of course I was imagining the worst so that part of my road-trip, being so far away and thinking something was wrong was anxiety inducing.  Mom will go with me on the next trip which is probably to see my oldest brother in Alaska, but when I take another trip next year I will probably see if I can find someone to come stay at the house for her for company and for my peace of mind, although she assured me that she was happy for the peace and quiet just her and the kitty.

Other than Big Sur area being closed, we were able to do our Highway 1 California Road trip.  Friday we stopped at the Great Salt Lake for a rest stop before heading to Reno for the night where D21 won $25 on her first gambling foray, then Saturday we explored Tahoe for part of a day before landing in Sacramento.  We ate dinner at Old Sacramento and rode Lime scooters back to our hotel.  The next day, last Sunday we went up into Napa Valley for a wine tasting and ended our day in San Francisco, eating dinner near Fisherman's Wharf.  Monday we did a tour of Alcatraz on my SIL's bucket list and then had to go see the Full House houses for D which included the Painted Ladies and the exterior of the Full House house off of Broderick Street, then hiked halfway across the Golden Gate Bridge.  After that we drove over the Golden Gate bridge to the Muir Woods to check out some redwood trees.  Since this was a coast trip, we didn't go inland to see the big, big redwoods, but I was so happy to be able to add any redwoods on our trek and the Muir Woods did not disappoint.  That was a 22,000 step day, which was the biggest day, but despite being on a road trip, I still managed to get over 10,000 steps every day except the last day.

Tuesday we headed down the coast to Seaside and Monterey.  We stopped a lot at different beaches and waterfronts, hiked, checked out tide pools, took lots of steps down to the ocean, etc.  We ate lunch in Santa Cruz.  Our hotel reservation was in Seaside.  We did the 17 mile drive along Pebble Beach and Carmel-by-the-Sea getting out at every little stop that interested us.

Unfortunately, we had to come inland for a little bit on Wednesday as Big Sur was closed down due to damage to the road from a rockslide/flooding.  We still backtracked a bit on the other side as we had reservations at Hearst Castle and wanted to see Elephant Seal Beach in San Simeon.  We stopped for the night in Pismo Beach and spent the evening on the beach and pier, listening to the waves and watching the sunset.

Thursday, we had 2 hour kayak reservations near Avila Beach at Harford Pier and we kayaked past otters and seals in San Luis Obispo Bay over to a beach we had all to ourselves to hike to Point San Luis Lighthouse.  We were regretting our 8:30am reservation as it seemed foggy and cold when we got in the car at the hotel but it was perfect.  The water was so calm.  We had a seal following our kayak for a bit and we tried not to get to close to the otters but close enough to observe them playing.  We played on an old rope swing at the Lighthouse and one other person showed up on the beach just as we were leaving to go get back in our kayaks.  He was our neighbor from the hotel.  We debated going back to Pismo Beach to swim, but it wasn't very warm, definitely different year I think in terms of weather.  We decided to drive to Santa Barbara as we had that on our Friday itinerary but Friday was going to be jam packed so we were glad to check that off our Thursday list.  My SIL wanted to visit a Spanish Mission and the other one we looked at was closed on Wednesdays so we went to the Santa Barbara one.  I had been to Santa Barbara already once before, to the zoo with my brother and SIL when S23 was a baby and we had come to Thousand Oaks for their wedding.  From Santa Barbara we took an out of the way path up into the foggy Santa Ynez mountains, over to Solvang.  That hotel was our favorite of the trip and we enjoyed walking around Solvang for the evening.

Friday, we finished our jog along Highway 1 through Gaviota, Ventura, Malibu and Santa Monica.  Had lunch on the Santa Monica Pier and rode the Ferris Wheel.  Then we headed over to hike in the Hollywood Hills up to the Observatory.  We didn't make it all the way up to the Hollywood sign, but got some pictures of it from the Observatory.  Then we realized we were going to be in rush hour traffic from LA to Vegas on a Friday night and our path took us around all that and cut an hour off our time by going way up into the Angeles National Forest and down through Victorville.  We still didn't get to Vegas until about 9pm on Friday night, but we'd been there before.  We stayed at the Golden Nugget and of course D21 and I had to go check out Fremont Street.  I'd been on the strip, but not Fremont Street.  We watched the zipliners and then decided it smelled too much like pot and b.o. for our liking and we headed back to get some rest, after losing a little bit of money in a Golden Nugget slot machine.  D and I both agreed that we liked the Reno one better.

Saturday was drive back home day, and despite our intentions of swimming and doing the waterslide at the shark tank in our hotel, we just didn't have any oomph left, so we took a couple pictures and ate breakfast and headed for home.

Further bucket list trips will include Yosemite and the giant Sequoia's if/when we go back to California but I have some other places in mind to narrow down for next year, if we can get a trip saved up for.

I have tomorrow off to finish out my weekend so that I could have some time to get my laundry done and all of that, and then it's back to work.  I was thankful for the break!

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#78: June 19, 2023, 12:13:12 AM
My parents live in Henderson (just outside of Vegas) and we visited them over the German Easter holiday.  I completely concur with your assessment of Fremont Street. What is REALLY amusing is that, at the beginning/entrance, there is a HUGE sign that specifically says that pot smoking in public is illegal and the first thing we saw was some dude puffing a joint....  ::)

It was.... uhmmmmmm ...... interesting to say the least.....
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#79: June 19, 2023, 01:24:56 AM
Quote
It definitely does feel like a long goodbye when your parent becomes diminished.

Yes, it is. I felt like someone was slowly peeling skin off my arm watching each step she made into the darkness of not remembering and other deterioration that changed her quality of life. Very painful.
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Living Through The Ghost
#80: July 20, 2023, 09:01:30 AM
Hello my dear HS friends.  I am home today helping my Mom prep for a colonoscopy later today.  Her diagnosis from the MRI came back as Microvascular Ischemic Brain Disease.  We have been processing this diagnosis the last few weeks and met with her doctor on Monday.  She is at a very high risk for a ischemic stroke and with it being a relation to cardiovascular, heart attack is a risk too.  They are starting her on statin medication post-haste.  We pick the prescription up today and she will start after her colonoscopy.  Please keep us both in your thoughts as we navigate this.  Dementia is a side effect of this disease as the blood vessels are shrinking the blood flow to her brain and so some of the white matter has died.

We have both been making changes to our diet but had to put that on pause for Mom until after the Colonoscopy as it was in direct opposition to our high fiber , hardly any processed foods diet.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I navigate this.  I'm trying to stay positive, keep my stress levels down and do what I need to do to take care of myself on top of taking care of mom.  Having gone through what I have definitely has given me some transferrable skills.

In other news, kids are doing well.  I haven't seen much of S23 lately but he's been working at the dialysis center, dating, camping and generally enjoying life.  D21 just got back from Denver where she and Niece 20 went on their first roadtrip without adultier adults to see Taylor Swift in concert.  They had a great time.

S18 gets pinned at the Fire Department on Monday.  He has asked his Grandfather to do the pinning.  I couldn't be prouder of the man he is becoming.

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#81: July 21, 2023, 01:04:03 AM
I got sent some satellite photos of Mile High (I don't care WHAT they named it now, it will ALWAYS be Mile High Stadium to me) the morning of, the afternoon of (around 13:00 local) and about 3 minutes before the concert - they estimated 7200 cars in the parking lots - and the stadium was full at the end....

I heard they were both awesome shows....
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#82: July 21, 2023, 09:07:41 PM
I will keep you and your mum in my thoughts!

I’m not sure what the process was in getting tickets where you are but over here, we needed to register for a code, the code got you in a queue to buy tickets. No code. No tickets. It wasn’t general sale like everyone else. Recently me and D9 had Harry styles tickets but had to sell them. We were both a bit gutted but we couldn’t get to the show in London.  So D9 and D11 wanted to see Taylor Swift I frantically tried to get a code. I stressed myself out for weeks. I dislike Taylor as a person (not that I’ve met her) but like her music. I told myself if I can’t get them on Tuesday, I’ll give up. Sunday they both say “not bothered mum”. My lord! But I’m so glad she was good live, from videos I have seen she does look good!
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Living Through The Ghost
#83: October 02, 2023, 08:01:38 PM
Yes, there were about 72,000+ fans I think at D's Taylor Swift concert UM.  Sachat, I'm sorry you missed out on seeing Harry.  My D absolutely adores Taylor Swift.  She tried to get codes through me for next year in New Orleans and Florida after Taylor announced she was extending the tour.

Yes, Mile High UM!  That's what I always used to think of it as although is it even the same location now?  In August I went to the same stadium with my SIL and we were with 84,000+ fans to see Ed Sheeran.  Ed had more ground space than TS due to difference in stage setups.  We got several lightning delays but finally were able to enjoy the concert.  I did not enjoy being shoved into the inside hallways with 84,000 other people though.

Wow, it's been a while since I've popped on here.  I'm headed to another concert on Friday, this time in Las Vegas to see P!nk.  I took Friday and Monday off and am looking forward to a little respite weekend.  My coworker lost her F in August and was out for 2 weeks and it's our crazy hiring season, so I put in some long hours at work trying to cover both our jobs.  The last few months have definitely been tougher on her.  I was happy to hold down the fort at work.  We've had some other things going on at work that just has us constantly hopping.  I can't complain though, it's been a great place to work.

Kids are still doing well.  S23 has a girlfriend.  Just a recent development.  He's in Puerto Vallarta vacationing with his F and Step-Mom so they are getting a week break.  They met through his work.  The funny thing is that her F used to be my old Principal at the Elementary school where I used to work.  He moved to an admin position before I moved, but he is located in a different building.  I have yet to meet her in the now sense.  I'm sure I've met her previously as we went to their house one of the years for a school year end BBQ and she may have accompanied him to some other year end BBQ's at various co-workers homes.  But I don't "know her" know her.  S says he is planning on introducing her to us sometime in the next few weeks after he gets back from vacay.

D21 got a kitten.   However, she got the kitten before she got permission from her landlord to have said kitten.  So actually, I got a kitten.  LOL.  Hopefully he's not permanent but he's living in my guest room avoiding Lucy.  Lucy is NOT happy.  He's adorable and doesn't have a name yet.  D21 and Niece20 are working on getting him approved and trying to come up with a name they both like.  The first week they were spending the night and visiting him constantly.  Last week it became more sporadic but I think between work and trying to balance being at their apartment and being here, it's just been a tough transition.  D21 know he is in good hands when she has to be absent.  He is really adorable.  Lucy is ok if I go in and visit him and even pet him as long as I wash my hands before I pet her.  However, if she hears me baby talk to him through the door, she gets mad at me and will hiss her dissatisfaction with me.  I have to tell her, "you're still my girl.  He's my grandkitty," and feed her a treat and then all is right in her world again.

S18 is doing well.  He finished his EMT course and is getting ready to do his clinicals.  He's been picking up as many shifts at the Fire Department as he can as well.  He hangs out with nephew19 on his off hours and occasionally they all come and hang out here with me.  Or we go out to dinner or a movie.  Sometimes it's just my 3 kiddos and on occasion nephew19 and H's cousin's kid (neice20 or bonus kid as I like to call her) also join us.

M is doing ok.  The statin medication hasn't had any side effects.  We both feel like their has been some improvement with her memory, though she still struggles with short term here and there but definitely no worsening.  We are quite busy with different doctor's visits.  A recent eye check-up brought cataracts on the radar so she is scheduled to meet with a specialist to have that done.   A recent bone density test also got us a referral to a bone clinic where she will need to have shots instead of medication for osteoporosis.  Between that and the cataracts I do worry about her falling.  It will be good to have the cataract surgery done.  I have been to lots of doctors in the last year but only recently to an appointment that was actually for me.  We switched primary medical companies on our insurance this year and it took me until September to get in with a new doctor, and then it was just to see the nurse practitioner.  I'm to schedule a mammogram, blood work and possibly a colonoscopy but I've gotten around to doing exactly none of it.  I will get them all done or scheduled before the end of the year, except I'm debating on the colonoscopy.  Gotta do a little research on that one as I'm only 45 and maybe can wait still on that one. 

The weekend after I get back from Vegas I'm headed to Denver to my nephew's engagement party.  That will probably be a quick trip and back.

S18 and my B will be checking in on M while I am gone.  S18 will probably use the grandkitty as an excuse to drop by, and might even stay with kitty in the guest room (his old room).
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« Last Edit: October 02, 2023, 08:03:45 PM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#84: October 03, 2023, 07:25:33 PM
Hi FW,

Great to see you post again and I too have taken a break recently from HS.   Your story for how you have supported your kids and transitioned to a new normal as a family has been truly inspirational.  Hope your Mom's health continues to be ok and the cataract procedures are pretty efficient today.  I work in healthcare and am very familiar with the outpatient cataract procedure experience.

Hope you continue to enjoy your life with your family and friends.

HF
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#85: October 03, 2023, 11:28:54 PM
Thank you HF.  Good to know about the Cataract experience.  I don't really have any anxiety around it, and I do hope it improves her quality of life.
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#86: October 04, 2023, 12:36:11 AM
I can sympathize with the putting off the exam thing.... My doc has been badgering me to get a colonoscopy for a couple of years now ("You ARE getting older, you know...") although there were/are no indications of anything amiss... I finally got one scheduled for next week... Yippee... I am SO thrilled (NOT!)
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Living Through The Ghost
#87: October 04, 2023, 05:24:05 AM
FW- Taylor Swift just sat behind me in Travis Kelces private suite at the Chiefs game vs the Bears. We took selfies and she shows up in so many because of her being behind us.
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#88: October 04, 2023, 06:30:59 PM
No way! Yes way?
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#89: November 03, 2023, 06:10:02 PM
I can sympathize with the putting off the exam thing.... My doc has been badgering me to get a colonoscopy for a couple of years now ("You ARE getting older, you know...") although there were/are no indications of anything amiss... I finally got one scheduled for next week... Yippee... I am SO thrilled (NOT!)

I hope it went well for you UM
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#90: November 03, 2023, 06:10:34 PM
FW- Taylor Swift just sat behind me in Travis Kelces private suite at the Chiefs game vs the Bears. We took selfies and she shows up in so many because of her being behind us.

What?!  That is so cool ML.
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#91: November 03, 2023, 06:11:40 PM
No way! Yes way?

Right!?  My D would have been so excited.
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#92: November 03, 2023, 06:23:01 PM
So what's changed since I last posted.  D21 I guess decided that since S23 has a girlfriend that she should go and get a boyfriend.  S18 hasn't met the guy and already doesn't like him.  Is it a protective brother thing?  She kind of sprung him on me, but I'm trying to keep an open mind about him, lol.  I have a feeling that if I start dating, S18 might be the exact same way.  Future dude might have his work cut out for him.  I'm super curious to know if MLCer is aware that D21 has a boyfriend.  But I have no idea.  I am glad she has a boyfriend.  I've been worried that her F broke her heart too when he pulled his MLC routine while she was the tender age of 13 and this is her first boyfriend, at 21 years of age.  I am worried for her but I also think that she's super strong, and no matter if this is just the first of others, she will be okay.

I am still fostering D21's kitten at my house.  Oy vey.  Love him, but I didn't want another kitten.  So I will be glad when she takes him home to her place.

We met S23's girlfriend at opening night of the Taylor Swift movie.  What are the odds that of all the theaters and all the showtimes, we would pick the exact same showing?  2 weekends ago they joined M, D21 and I for Church and we all went out to breakfast together afterwards.  I really like her!  And I really like that he can be his authentic self around her, and that she digs his authentic self.  That really made me happy to witness.  He was just the S23 I know and love the whole time we were out to eat.

So yeah, that's my update.  We could be adding a few extra seats at Christmas for the new additions.  Or I may be juggling even more when I will see my kiddos, but that's ok.  Life goes on!

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#93: November 06, 2023, 01:49:51 AM
I can sympathize with the putting off the exam thing.... My doc has been badgering me to get a colonoscopy for a couple of years now ("You ARE getting older, you know...") although there were/are no indications of anything amiss... I finally got one scheduled for next week... Yippee... I am SO thrilled (NOT!)

I hope it went well for you UM

Absolutely clean... just as I expected.... My GP was giving me a hard time (a bit) and was telling me that I was so much easier to deal with than most of her patients my age (gee, thanks Doc) because I am not overweight, don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol, and I am not sedentary.... She got big eyes when my resting EKG had a pulse of about 53..... and asked if I do lots of sports..... I told her compared to some people (like Watcher) I am a couch potato but compared to others that I know, I am pretty active... I bike 11 miles daily, pretend to play squash with my D12 every week, lift weights with S16 weekly and hit 2 Aerobics classes per week at work on my lunch hour....
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Living Through The Ghost
#94: November 10, 2023, 05:18:21 PM
I had a lovely dinner last night with another Class of 2015 LBS who happened to be visiting my town for the first time.  It was very nice to catch up since the last time we got together, which has been quite a few years. 

It just reminded me of the good things that have come out of Bomb Drop and that is all the wonderful folks here that I have "met."  Some that I haven't yet met in person and some that I have. Some I am now Facebook friends with and we follow each other's lives there.

I think often about the ones that were here when I started and some that have been here through the years that aren't on the site at all or as much as before.  I often think about them and wonder how they are doing.

I do wish some would come back and update from time to time, but I also understand why they might stay away.

Anyway, I am grateful for this site and the wonderful people who are on it.  That's all.   ;D
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#95: November 10, 2023, 11:47:41 PM
Me too. I wonder about some folks and how they are. I hope that it means that with time, they healed (whatever that means for them).
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Re: Living Through The Ghost
#96: November 28, 2023, 06:28:35 PM
FW, I guess I knew you were the class of 2015, but for some reason thought it was after mine.  I suspect it's because we were different years, but just one month apart lol. My bd was Jan 2016.  Anyway, I am rarely around anymore,  but things with me have been great, as they seem to be with you, as well.  I love it when I see the LBS thriving and making the most of the gift of time 😎😍
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#97: December 21, 2023, 08:28:31 AM
BB, it was probably because I didn't find my way onto the forum until August or September of 2016, after BD, after the divorce had been finalized and I was already living with my brother.  So you likely had already been posting here a while.   :)
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#98: December 21, 2023, 09:42:36 AM
A little update on me.  I was in a car accident on December 7th.  The other guy full ran a red light and t-boned me, no braking, nothing.  My car is likely totaled but there has been a delay on everything, which is frustrating, but being an LBS'er my skills in patience are unmatched.

Thankfully, he hit on the driver's side mainly behind where I was sitting.  I was completely blind-sided so I didn't know it was coming.  I was on my way to work and focused on another car that was in a spot where people always merge and don't always obey the yield sign.  My car was spun and forced into there's.  Thankfully, the front air bag didn't deploy, just the side airbags.  The other driver's car was also towed from the scene but he was out of his vehicle checking on me and said he was ok.  The third party that I hit drove away from the scene with a fender bender to their side fender near the front tire.

I rode to the ER for a chest x-ray and was released within a few hours.  It took me over a week to get a rental car.  I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor this past Tuesday and I have a sprained neck.  I've been off this week from work for a previously planned "stay-cation" week.  I've been trying to take time for rest and breaking up any errands, shopping activities, all those things into small chunks, as I get fatigued real easy when out and about, not to mention a little bit of anxiety still when driving through intersections, and of course with a sprained neck, it hurts to turn and look over my shoulder when changing lanes.

After a few hours, it hurts to hold my own head up and I have to lay down and take a break.  I worked a 40 hour week last week after taking a 4 day weekend (including the day of the accident).  In hindsight, it probably didn't help my recovery, but we do what we have to do, don't we?

I'm feeling really grateful that the accident wasn't worse and that my mom wasn't with me, while simultaneously frustrated and sad that I have to deal with the aftermath.  I think that's fairly normal.

With everything else going on any other former milestone dates in December pretty much just slipped by without a thought or a mention lol.  Previous anniversary day wasn't even on the radar December 1st, and BD date slid by unnoticed.  I am struggling feeling Christmassy this year, but not for the past issues.  I have heard that from a lot of people this Christmas season, that it's been hard to find the Holiday joy and Christmas spirit that has been in Christmases past.
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Living Through The Ghost
#99: December 22, 2023, 06:04:57 AM
Hello,

So sorry to hear about the accident and glad that you are okay.

Quote
I rode to the ER for a chest x-ray and was released within a few hours.  It took me over a week to get a rental car.  I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor this past Tuesday and I have a sprained neck.  I've been off this week from work for a previously planned "stay-cation" week.

Very wise. Often right after the accident, you feel fine and the shock overrides a lot of soft tissue and joint issues that then tighten up and remind you that you are hurt 24-48 hours after the incident. I am sorry about the sprained neck. Ouch and really hard to deal with. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Quote
I am struggling feeling Christmassy this year, but not for the past issues.  I have heard that from a lot of people this Christmas season, that it's been hard to find the Holiday joy and Christmas spirit that has been in Christmases past.

So t's not just me. I have the house decorated and making a lot of food for our Christmas Eve party, but I am just not in the mood. We are even exchanging gifts this year and I am fine with that. I am not upset nor is anything going wrong in my world, but I just don't have that feeling of Christmas joy. Maybe all the nonsense that is going on in our world has left me feeling a bit uneasy about our future. It's just a strange feeling and I hope that as time passes, it gets better.

Well, I've got to make some peanut brittle and go to the gym. I hope you have an awesome day and that you feel much better!

Merry Christmas,

(((Ready)))

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Living Through The Ghost
#100: December 22, 2023, 04:44:31 PM
Thank you.  It's not feeling as painful or as noticeable today.  I am fairly confident that it's going to clear up soon.  They referred me for PT and PT called and said they could get me in February 1st.  Well thanks, PT place, that's going to help.  I'm going to be well before then.  LOL

I hope you had a great time making peanut brittle!
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« Last Edit: December 22, 2023, 04:53:39 PM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#101: December 23, 2023, 11:37:39 AM
Yesterday I saw this image and it made a lot of sense.  Grief doesn't shrink, we grow around the grief.

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Living Through The Ghost
#102: January 11, 2024, 10:09:07 PM
Update time:

I finally was able to get a new vehicle this past weekend.  I love it!  Lemonade out of lemons.

The kids brought me a Christmas gift from xMIL (and xFIL too but mainly xMIL).  I have not gifted her in a very long time, but she still sends a gift for me, which is sometimes sweet, but sometimes uncomfortable too.  Back when I was looking for signs, her gifts meant everything (except for that first birthday after divorce when she totally missed the mark with that gift).

This gift was some hand made coasters, a little bookmark, and a keychain.  Of course she had bought the keychain before my car accident, but I texted her and thanked her and let her know that I couldn't wait to attach it to my new car keys soon as I was able to get another vehicle.

Once I got the vehicle, I texted her a picture of my keys, with her new keychain attached and thanked her again.  My D had also shared that I chose the same type of vehicle as her for my replacement vehicle.  We even went with the same color.  Mine is 2 years older though.  Anyway, we had a good chat about that.

We still chat from time to time.  I can imagine this whole situation has been very hard on her.  It doesn't hurt me much to continue to have the occasional chat with her.

Sometimes I think she does reach out fishing for information.  I try to only share a brief little snippet when this happens.  Today it was about my D and her boyfriend.  I made sure that any text in response, if D were to ask to read it, that it would be something she would not get hurt over.

Tomorrow my M goes in for the first of her two cataract surgeries.  My B will come get her and take her while I go in to work for a couple hours, and then I will meet him back at the house when her surgery is done, to stay with her for any after care and also for her afternoon appointment.  Usually after appointments would be the next day, but since it's a Friday they are having us back the same day.  2 weeks from now we will repeat the day with her other eye.  She showed too much confusion when it came to putting in the eye drops, so I have been doing that 3 times a day for her.  She seems relieved to have me do it for her.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2024, 10:10:41 PM by FaithWalker »
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Living Through The Ghost
#103: January 15, 2024, 10:24:55 AM
It seems like no matter how much time has past, and how I feel when I am conscious, I always tend to have some strange dreams and some subconscious flashbacks from BD, still, after all these years.

Recently, twice in the same day, I was whisked back to a time around BD.  The first was when I was taking my ornaments down off my tree and tucking them away.  I had gotten a beautiful painted glass ornament in a White Elephant exchange with my Bible Study group a few years ago and for some reason putting it away had me back at that White Elephant party after BD.  And then later, when I was doing my Bible Reading, I came upon a verse that is still a trigger for me.

After BD, when I was still very much in denial what was happening and didn't know much about true MLC, I was desperate to save my marriage.  MLCer had manipulated me out of going on a weekend trip we had planned together, saying that he found it too painful to be together after his revelation of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" from a few days earlier.  Turns out, the agenda really was to go and spend the weekend with his alienator.  Later I found out that they met and parked in a parking lot halfway between her town and ours and then she and her two boys and he and my son all got into one vehicle together and drove together to the hotel in the other city.  It was supposed to be MLCer and my son in one room, and her and her youngest son in the other room and the older son on the couch (all the boys were 10 and younger).  Later I found out from my son that he and the younger boy shared a room and that the other boy slept on the couch.  He didn't know where my MLCer slept.  Of course there is only one conclusion to be made, duh.  Looking back from where I'm at now, that just is so depraved, you know?  And I was very naïve.

Anyway, that very next night, we had all been invited to a White Elephant party in another town and we had agreed that although I didn't go to the overnight in the one town, that I would meet him and S for the party the next night.  That turned out to be a nightmare.  He jumped at her every request, even trudging out in the snow to unload her bags from her car.  (They had gone back to the parking lot and picked up her car before coming to the party).  When I asked if he would go get my overnight bag, he scoffed and asked S10 to go get it for me.  I told him never mind and went out for my own bag.

At the party during the white elephant exchange, I really wanted these lovely pair of hand painted wine glasses.  They were beautiful.  After the rule of 3, OW ended up getting them and I got stuck with a bottle of Drano for toilets.  That was when I still felt that I was the problem and the reason that my marriage was breaking down.  I thought that it was another sign that I was a grinch, lol.  But now I think that God used that Drano to clean the poo out of my life!   ;D

MLCer opened up and kept the first thing that he got.  We both thought it was a sign, but then later my interpretation of that sign was completely different than his.  He got a little plaque that he started keeping in his truck.  It was the verse Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."  Of course I thought that maybe he would take that verse to heart and do some introspection, but later he used that verse to justify his leaving.  That he "prayed" to God and that this was the answer he was given.  To divorce me.  Yes, that verse definitely has some triggers for me that I still have to work through.  But he needed the next verse, which is about guarding your heart and your mind! 

Anyway, just a little flashback that I got from the Bomb Drop days.  Such a painful time, and that night and the next day were really no exception.

Later, when I received the D papers, he put that date as the date of our "dissolution of marriage" - I had always thought that was strange, rather than putting the date of BD on there.  Now, looking back, I think that he put that date because that was when he physically broke our marriage vows.  As they had gotten to the hotel after midnight from the political event, it would have been the wee hours of the morning of that same date that they shared a bedroom.

So, yes, this time of year has always been fraught with tiptoeing around some triggers.  They don't explode my life like they once did, my armor is too thick now and I'm ready for them.  But they do still happen!
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Living Through The Ghost
#104: January 15, 2024, 04:09:08 PM
Isn’t it so crazy to be able to look back and realize what actually was going on  compared to what we thought?  I think  part because who could imagine their ability to deceive us  to that level as it is something we would never do, but also I think our wish to not  want to believe or see it as it was. I dont have those flashbacks or triggers of the past anymore or they have been temporarily stopped. Never say never.  My triggers are few and far in between, but always hearing something current that I feel will affect my/our kids.  I am modt thankful the dreams have long ago stopped.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

We long to have again the vanished past, in spite of all its pain

Married July 1991
BD1 2018 Jan moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW

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Living Through The Ghost
#105: January 15, 2024, 08:06:44 PM
Wow, FW, that was a hellish nightmare to live through. How could you not have triggers?
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Living Through The Ghost
#106: January 16, 2024, 01:43:37 AM
It is those kinds of incidents that, in retrospect, just leave one shaking their head and muttering "What the actual <NSFHS Word>"
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Living Through The Ghost
#107: January 17, 2024, 07:08:16 PM
FW - I have learned that even after 7 years there are still a few triggers that give me pause.  New Year's Day is the worst.  That's his birthday and the BD day.   

When it came around this year I spent the day alone taking care of me and enjoying peace and tranquility.   

Best wishes, FW, for a healthy and prosperous 2024. 
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BD: 1/1/16
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After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Living Through The Ghost
#108: January 19, 2024, 08:54:31 PM
Thank you ML, Reinventing, UM and SB.
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