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Author Topic: My Story Living Through The Ghost

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My Story Living Through The Ghost
#10: June 16, 2022, 09:14:51 AM
Keep posting :)  I'm following you as well!
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Living Through The Ghost
#11: June 16, 2022, 04:51:56 PM
Welcome PJ and TS (B)   :)

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday.  This week actually has gone by pretty quickly.  Tuesday night I did some grocery shopping after work.  One thing we really enjoyed while in Germany was Radler's so I bought what I needed to make my own this week.  I'm going to enjoy one on the patio later.

Last night I went paddle boarding with D20 and MLCer's cousin's D20 who I call my niece, as I did daycare for her 10 hours a day/5 days a week when she was 6 weeks old until Kindergarten and then again during the Summer breaks.  She and D20 are best friends and so she's spent a great deal of time at my house.  She moves to Texas in July, so we are trying to fit in some time together before then.  D20 left the lake late for MLCer's house, but it couldn't be helped as if she had been on time we would've only gotten 15 minutes of lake time.  There's a lot of work into getting lake ready and 15 minutes wouldn't be worth it.  D20 had told MLCer that she had previous plans and that it would be helpful if it was closer to 7:30 instead of 6:30 but he maintained the 6:30 time and she had 2 missed calls from him when she got back to her phone in the car right around 6:50ish. 

She was going over to the new house to help paint covid wifey's new craft room.  They originally were going to put paint in water balloons and throw them at the walls but opted for sponges filled with paint.  Hopefully D20 had a good time.  I was a little surprised that MLCer was allowing it, given to how much control he exerted over our household and every aspect of it.  I remarked how glad I was that he seemed to have relaxed in his approach.  D20 said "not really, but this is her craft room so it was decided upon that she would be able to make the decisions about it before they moved in"

Tomorrow I am headed out paddle boarding again.  This time with a friend that I haven't been paddle boarding with before that recently got her own paddle board.  She's anxious to take it out but wants a seasoned vet with her.  Sadly, we had a 42 year old woman drown on the river yesterday after falling off her paddle board and getting sucked in some debris near a bridge.  Her life jacket was attached to her paddle board instead of on her and she had her ankle leash on.  We should never go on the river with an ankle strap because if you get pulled under, you can't always reach the release on your foot.  On the lakes it's ok to have anyone 16 and older have a PFD on the board and close by, but on the river it's a must to actually wear your PFD.  The water is running very high right now with lots of debris and snow melt runoff.  If you have a release, it should be a breakaway one attached to the life jacket on your chest near your heart.  I wish that the word would get out more over this major issue.  Ankle leashes are for lakes, not flowing rivers.  I am gutted that this happened to yet another person on the river.  I also wear my PFD on lakes that are mountain lakes and are colder water and where there are many motorized watercraft as the shock of the water can stun you too.

Anyway, we are going to do one of my favorite non-motorized, non-swimming lakes and not the river and meet first at a fun Food Truck Frenzy that is being put on at one of our local parks with various food trucks and live music.  We will grab some food and then head out to the lake after dinner.  It will take us time to pump up the boards, allowing the food to settle first.   :)  I am hoping to get on a bit later after enjoying the food and some live music so that we can also catch a glorious sunset.  Sunset to twilight paddle boarding is one of my absolute favorites.
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Living Through The Ghost
#12: July 19, 2022, 09:29:26 PM
Hello everyone, it's been about a month since I last posted on my own thread.  Time just flies.  I do come here once in a while and try to catch up on about a page or 2 of posts before I'm usually off again.  I am just continuing on living life.  I've had a couple of teary moment's recently, maybe something to do with the full moon or something.  I just had a moment in my car one day where I thought to myself "he will most likely never know the depth of my pain" and that made me emotional.  Usually the emotions come in pretty short bursts these days.  I think nostalgia gets me sometimes too.

Most of the time when he comes up randomly in conversation from the past, I am sharing a story with a co-worker, I have to often stop and go "huh, that actually was fifty shades of f-ed up, wasn't it?" and I'm often having to re-evaluate the relationship and what I really put up with. 

Some days, I miss my best friend and wonder where they're gone and other days I wonder if I every really actually knew him.  I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit, and what that meant long term, as well as the potential for what kind of husband and father he could've been vs. actually mourning the loss of the person that he turned out to be.  It's complicated.

Anyway, it is take my breath away baffling sometimes how we got here and the lack of closure but for the most part, my daily life just goes on.  There is always that level of wtf-ery in the sub-conscience.  But on the surface, I am more in control of my emotions and don't struggle hardly at all except in those moments in the car (why is it always in the car?")

Enough about that...back to my journey and the life abundant that is still to be had....

So since we went on our big trip in May, the Summer has felt a little off kilter.  Usually we do squeeze in some camping trips and the whole crew since getting back has just been thrown into working and squeezing in short burst of play in between.  My SIL's boss is quitting, which puts her in a place at work that it's hard to get away right now and since her and my B are usually my shared travel friends, and work for me is extremely booked right now, it just is what it is.

I've had a great month though, despite the lack of camping excursions.  The weather has been rainier this year, so paddle boarding has been hit and miss depending on that.  Can't complain about the rain though as it's keeping the fires at bay.  There's been several occasions it has rained in town, but completely missed us when we've been out on the lake, so that's been great.  I could do without the high humidity though, that's just not normal for our neck of the woods.  I mean it's great for the skin, but I'm miserable being used to a much dryer climate.  We also have a swamp cooler vs an air conditioner as most houses here do, meaning that they don't work as great in high humidity.  However, reading about the deaths due to extreme heat in England, I am loathe to complain at all about my situation.

So some of the highlights from this past month:

Got to go to lunch and to see Buzz Lightyear with S22 which was a rare treat with his schedule right now. 

Then a few days later it was dinner with S17 and D20 and off to see Jurassic World.  My niece20 joined us for the movie, but not dinner.

July 1 we did a watch party at S22's house with S22, D20, S17 and niece20 to wrap up the Stranger Things Series.  We had Eggo Waffles in honor of the occasion.  If you aren't a ST fan, you probably don't get it, lol.  Before we started the watch party, nephew's GF asked me about my tattoo and we had a pretty vulnerable moment together.  She said the sweetest thing.  "The more I hear about you from Nephew 21, S22 and D20 and the more I learn about you when I am around you, the more I am amazed by you and your strength."  Nephew 21 and GF live with S22 and D20, but they hadn't seen all of Stranger Things, so they disappeared into their room during the Watch Party.

July 3rd we had a nice big 4th of July a day early BBQ and fireworks at my B and SIL's house.  I even got my M out for that one.

July 4th was low-key, but D20 and S22 did come grab me in S's car to go watch the City fireworks on the hill above my house where we had a great vantage point.  S22 says that he's a little disappointed that we've made all these modern advancements and can do amazing things and yet all this time it seems to him that fireworks are one of those things that have never changed and could be made better somehow.  He loves the Lord of the Rings series and of course was impressed with "Gandalf's" fireworks lol.  He's wondering why we don't have modern day advancements like that.  Hmmm...good point.  Although, we both know it's CGI.  Still.  And of course we were talking about how many pets and vets (veterans) suffer over the 4th because of the booms and quakes.  Where we live, it's carried on for days, not just the 4th.  I cannot believe the arsenal of fireworks my city neighbors carry with them.  Still going off as of last night!  Could there be an amazing, cooler way to do them, with advancements, and maybe without all the noises that set off the pets and cause PTSD to our wounded warriors?  Hmmm

July 6th I had a great paddle boarding evening with my SIL.  They have turned Wednesdays into "Wakeless Wednesday's" at the lake and so we pretty much get most of the lake to ourselves and don't have to stay out of the boat's and (water skiers/large tubes being towed) way.  It was a tad windy but made for a great workout and there is so much fun and accomplishment to SUP'ing and being able to stand and whoosh yourself across the water with your own rowing.  Whether standing, kneeling, sitting, which we always switch it up, it's working different muscles.

July 10th my B from Alaska texted us to let us know that his son, my oldest nephew22 was in town on a military leave.  He's been stationed near Seattle but my SIL's F recently had a heart attack and so he chose to come out here and spend some time with them and other family during his leave rather than go home to Alaska, which he did at Christmas and will do again this coming winter.  So July 11th, D20, niece20 (not related to my side of the family) and I all met Nephew22 for the movies.  We were going to see Top Gun Maverick but Nephew22 hadn't seen the original and D20 had already seen the new one (even though she hadn't seen the original either).  I told Nephew22 he needed to see the classic so we opted for Thor movie instead.  I still want to see the new Top Gun though.

The next day, the 4 of us went out to the lake again and met SIL and Nephew18 (the ones we lived with and travel with and all that) and even got M to come along this time.  We had a picnic and the 4 young adults took the paddleboards out.  SIL floated around in a floaty relaxing and I decided it was too hot for anything else but being fully immersed in the water, so I dove in and swam the swim area of the lake instead.  That was an amazing workout as well.  Then I balanced myself on the cable that holds the buoys for the edge of the swim area with all but my head and neck immersed and chatted with SIL until our paddle boarders arrived back from their excursion across the lake.  Treaded water for a while too when my toes started cramping on the cable lol.

Saturday was my friend's grandson's 4th birthday party and I've been to all of his parties so far.  His mama is also pregnant with her second so they did a gender reveal.  M decided that she would like to do some shopping while I was at the Fun Park for the birthday party and so I dropped her off in one of the shopping center's that had some good choices of stores.  It was also the same shopping center where D works as a manager at an ice cream parlor.  M thought she might go sit over there and wait for me if she got done shopping before I was done.  Alas, M forgot her cell phone at home, so there was a bit of some wandering around by me looking for her, but just as I started to worry, M called to say that she figured it was best to just take a cab home and phone me since she didn't have her phone to meet up and of course has our address memorized. Mischief managed!

Last night those who could get together, met up at my B and SIL's house to use their theater room to watch the classic Top Gun and we did a cake and ice cream for Nephew22 as he turns 23 at the end of the month and we figured we should celebrate him while he's here.  M decided she was up to another excursion even after her adventure Saturday, lol.  She was a trooper and even watched the full movie with us.  I feel like she's settling quite a bit into our shared life and has much less anxiety, even though there are still bouts of short term memory loss!

Tomorrow night is our last hurrah with Nephew22 before he leaves again.  And Niece20 is moving to Texas on Saturday so it's a combination last Hurrah/going away party.  We have a big group going out to the lake for paddle boarding and then we will end up back at BFF's house afterwards for food and cards.  M has decided to opt out of this one and said she would enjoy the quiet house and keep Lucy the kitty company.  They've really been getting on quite well together.

So there you go, there's the recap, which I can never seem to narrow down to a short and sweet version.  Ha!  :P :
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Living Through The Ghost
#13: July 20, 2022, 01:18:49 AM
FW, loved the update and thanks for not making it short.
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Living Through The Ghost
#14: July 20, 2022, 05:45:38 AM
FW-
That’s a lot of family togetherness!! Love it. Wish my family was all closer, but working on organizing some get togethers .
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Anyway, it is take my breath away baffling sometimes how we got here and the lack of closure but for the most part, my daily life just goes on.  There is always that level of wtf-ery in the sub-conscience.  But on the surface, I am more in control of my emotions and don't struggle hardly at all except in those moments in the car (why is it always in the car?"
  I can totally relate!! It is weird how even when you are on a little more even ground that the f’ery of it all lays dormant waiting to have it’s little pop in’s. They do now come with a small sprinkle that dries up so much quicker than a huge storm with damage, but still an inconvenience and a reminder the full sun has yet to totally come.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

We long to have again the vanished past, in spite of all its pain

Married July 1991
BD1 2018 Jan moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW

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Living Through The Ghost
#15: July 20, 2022, 06:23:37 AM
Hi Faith,

Your post is a great reminder of being grateful for the people and moments that we have that are full of enjoyment and "wonderment"...

I envy the family you have close by. It is and continues to be my choice to live far away from "family" and I do see my daughter 5-6 times a year...I make that a priority.....but with family, you can feel "included" in times without having to be asked. I have friends but they all have their own families, and so it's hard when I hear all the things they do together (because they live close enough) and I sometimes wonder, how did I land up so distant from my kin (not just physical distance but also emotionally...since my sister passed away, I really feel orphaned).

I get twinges of anger because I didn't choose to leave Canada and after so many years, I think often of returning but it's overwhelming to me.

And so this resonated with me:

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I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit,

I have come to understand that I can have some of this...we are on speaking terms and spend time with our daughter ... because she lives so far away, our time together is short and it is a blessing that we don't need to "split" the time with her although I would not say it is easy but it works for her and for him, perhaps better than for me as it is draining to be around someone and not engage in a "real" relationship.

And so, your post today, and especially your thread's title "living through the ghost" is a good one for me today as we shall all visit together this weekend and I am grateful for that.

I have been considering getting a dog again. I have not had a dog for over a year and I miss the company of a living thing in the house.  We have another "family" time planned for October so perhaps after that week.

I really enjoyed reading all your activities and hope some day we can meet up again!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Living Through The Ghost
#16: July 20, 2022, 06:52:29 AM
S22 says that he's a little disappointed that we've made all these modern advancements and can do amazing things and yet all this time it seems to him that fireworks are one of those things that have never changed and could be made better somehow. 

There are much better blue fire compositions these days, and there are now star patterns in some of the shells (like smiley faces). The latter have been around for a while now (maybe a decade or two?), but that's relatively short compared to the history of fireworks. So there!  :D

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Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of stops and starts. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

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Living Through The Ghost
#17: July 20, 2022, 10:46:37 AM
Quote
I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit, and what that meant long term, as well as the potential for what kind of husband and father he could've been vs. actually mourning the loss of the person that he turned out to be.  It's complicated.

You said this better than I could, but I feel the same way. I really miss being part of an intact family unit. I've remarried and I have a really good relationship with my adult kids, but that whole Mom/Dad/Daughter/Son unit is gone forever. The four of us used to be so close. We did things together. Now I have good individual relationships with my kids and new wife, but I miss the family game nights and the parts of my kids that my xw brought out.

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Some days, I miss my best friend and wonder where they're gone and other days I wonder if I every really actually knew him.
Me too. I miss that person who knew me when I was 22. Who remembers my bad haircuts, lousy jobs, broken-down cars, successes, and well - more than half of my life. When there's no one who remembers stories from our past and who we can reminisce with, it almost feels like huge parts of life didn't happen. What a huge loss we've suffered! But then, was that person actually the person we thought we knew? Or some idealized construct that we loved so much we overlooked their flaws? For me, the damage to my past actually hurts more than any damage to the future.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Thanks for sharing your update - your thoughts really resonated with me.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Living Through The Ghost
#18: July 20, 2022, 02:02:34 PM
Great update, Faith!  You sound like you are filling your life with wonderful things and creating many happy memories.   Spending time with the people we love and doing the things we love is the best feeling!

I highly recommend Top Gun: Maverick.  Popeye and I saw it and loved it.  It was very well done.  And, although I wouldn't say I'm a huge Tom Cruise fan, he really has kept himself in remarkable shape.






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Living Through The Ghost
#19: July 20, 2022, 03:39:05 PM
Another nod here for Top Gun: Maverick.  Yes, Cruise, who just turned 60, is in fabulous shape.  I won't be missing the next Mission Impossible movie when it opens in 2023! 

Nice update.  You have a lot in your life to enjoy and be thankful for. 
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After all, tomorrow is another day.

 

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