Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Living Through The Ghost

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 316
  • Gender: Male
My Story Living Through The Ghost
#20: July 20, 2022, 03:48:05 PM
I worked with Tom Cruise once, about 5 years ago... really lovely guy.
  • Logged

H
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 491
  • Gender: Male
Living Through The Ghost
#21: July 20, 2022, 04:15:03 PM
Hi FW,

Glad you are doing well this summer enjoying life.   You are truly are a great example of GAL in the wake of the MLC destruction.  Top Gun Maverick will be worth the wait, and I actually have just started binge watching Stranger Things while I'm in isolation for COVID.   Truly awesome show and brings back so many memories from my childhood.

Hope you enjoy the rest of the summer.

HF
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#22: July 22, 2022, 06:31:06 PM
Good to hear from all of you, thanks for popping by and I'm glad I wrote the long update.  We are about an hour away from Top Gun Maverick with my S17 and D20 so I have a little time to kill.  I will try and come back this weekend and reply more to everyone individually.

So Wednesday's paddle boarding/card session didn't go as planned but still turned out into a great day.  BFF pulled out as she had been fighting with the kids all day trying to get them to rally and apparently they were little turds.  D20 said that BFF's D17 was trying to help her, so maybe just the younger two were little turds.  I have continued with my mantra of "it is what it is" and Nephew22, S17, D20, and Niece20 plus myself were the only ones that ended out at the lake.  However, another group was out there that we knew including S17 and D20's 2nd cousin's on MLCers side and their mom. 

The kids ended up playing together and I had a nice chat with their mom, who is married to MLCers cousin.  We've kept in contact and attend the same Church so this was no big deal.   During the course of the conversation I brought up something about his marriage.  She had no idea that he had remarried.  This seemed pretty crazy to me because his side of the family has always had a family reunion every summer and we all live in the same town.  Her and her h usually have a pig roast/luau and invite everyone.  We constantly spent time with his side of the family.   And they are usually all on Facebook so they must not be Facebook friends either.  Just another confirmation of the MLC.

Anyway, we ended up staying at the lake until sunset, which was breathtaking, as usual.  We grabbed some food and D20 had us all go back to her house (where she lives with Nephew 21 and S22, etc.) so it was great because Nephew21 and S22 hadn't gotten to see their cousin who was leaving the next day and S22 got to say goodbye to niece 20 (who is on MLCers side of the family) and S22 told her that he didn't even know she was moving until I had mentioned something when inviting him to the lake.  But he'd had class until 10 that night so he was thrilled that we were at the house when he got done.

I'm a little sleep deprived from all the late nights, lol.

Last night, when I got home from work, D20 was sitting on my couch watching tv.  Evidently, she'd gone shopping for Amazon prime day (which I'd already known about because her Monitors arrived on Monday).  This girl has been out of my house since November and has yet to change her address.  So, she was sitting there waiting for her amazing new computer tower to arrive that she had to sign for.  We watched tv together for a while and then after her tower arrived she asked if I would come help her hang a shelf and some other things on her wall because she needed to free up the space on her desk.

This was our conversation.
"D20, you know I'm terrible at home projects, that is why I married your F.  I have a mirror in my closet I have yet to hang on the wall because it needs anchors and leveling and all that and I'm terrible at it.  Why don't you ask your uncle?

 "I don't want to ask uncle, he's probably too busy."

"Why don't you ask your F?"

"No.  I don't want him coming over."

"You have 3 male roommates, 1 of which is your brother and 1 of which is your cousin, why don't you ask them."

"I don't want to ask cousin and brother is always busy with his job and his emt stuff."

sigh "Are you sure that you don't want to just pay someone to do it?  I'm terrible at it."

"I think we can figure it out together."

"My drill batteries are dead, we would have to charge them"

"Pretty sure there is a drill in our garage that works"

"Fine.  But don't say I didn't warn you!

So, I ended up hanging out with her all night.  I googled a video on using the drill bit and applying the anchors into the wall.  I showed her there was a level on her phone.  And wouldn't you know it, everything looks great and will stay on the wall as long as she doesn't do pull ups on that shelf.   ;D

I also helped her hang her white board and a picture thing that she can clip pictures to.  The pictures she chose was very interesting to me.  She pulled out pictures from her closet.  One of her kissing her Papa on the cheek (MLCers F) when she was about 7 went on first.  Then her 2 brothers photos went up and a picture of niece 20 and then a picture of both MLCers parents.  And then she surprised me and pulled out a photo of MLCer and I together that was taken by my B and SIL on our 1st wedding anniversary after we had dropped off S22 and D20 (who were 2 1/2 and 6 months at the time) for my B and SIL to watch while we went out for our anniversary.  That photo went up on the wall too.  I questioned it in my head, like "are you sure you want that photo up?", but didn't say anything out loud.  I have to remember that she loves and cherishes the memories of us together.  And this has been hard on her.  Apparently she rescued that photo in the move after the D.  It's been in a frame and apparently she had it in her bedroom at her F's house after the D, and she's had it ever since, but she took it out of the frame to hang it on her wall now.  Of course I wonder what he thought going in her room at his house and seeing her stubbornly display that photo, lol.  Oh to have been in his head or a fly on the wall.  But it's whatever.

Well, gotta run.  More time with the kiddos awaits. I do know that I am blessed beyond measure.
 
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1665
  • Gender: Female
Living Through The Ghost
#23: July 23, 2022, 04:54:35 AM
You know my daughter framed and hung the family photo of both her husband and hers family in her home and every time  I go there it is the first thing that I see. The picture for en is awkward as you can see my X feels disconnected, but it is all over her family. Both sides. I love that she wanted it hung. I love that your daughter chose a happier time photo and she hung it. It’s the way it should be. Those are her parents and will always be. It reminds me that when telling kids your getting divorced you tell them when they are young it’s nothing to do with them and we both still love you. So, we try to instill that nothing changes in our love for you, so then why should their vision have to change of that original love that brought them here on earth. I love it!
  • Logged
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

We long to have again the vanished past, in spite of all its pain

Married July 1991
BD1 2018 Jan moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#24: July 23, 2022, 12:33:25 PM
FW, loved the update and thanks for not making it short.

Thank you R.  Sometimes it feels weird to ramble on here, being so far out from BD that not much of it involves MLC and MLCer, but I try and remember that posting here is about my journey, as so obviously the Subject reminds me when it says "My Story:  This is a record of your journey."  I forget that sometimes lol.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#25: July 23, 2022, 12:37:33 PM
FW-
That’s a lot of family togetherness!! Love it. Wish my family was all closer, but working on organizing some get togethers .
Quote
Anyway, it is take my breath away baffling sometimes how we got here and the lack of closure but for the most part, my daily life just goes on.  There is always that level of wtf-ery in the sub-conscience.  But on the surface, I am more in control of my emotions and don't struggle hardly at all except in those moments in the car (why is it always in the car?"
  I can totally relate!! It is weird how even when you are on a little more even ground that the f’ery of it all lays dormant waiting to have it’s little pop in’s. They do now come with a small sprinkle that dries up so much quicker than a huge storm with damage, but still an inconvenience and a reminder the full sun has yet to totally come.

Yes I think I am still that second bird in my tattoo.  Not quite the 3rd bird fully flying free, but well on my way to overcoming.

I'm glad that you are working on organizing some get togethers.  While my nephew was here, I did the organizing.  I don't know that anything would have happened if I hadn't pulled things together lol.

  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#26: July 23, 2022, 12:45:19 PM
Hi Faith,

Your post is a great reminder of being grateful for the people and moments that we have that are full of enjoyment and "wonderment"...

I envy the family you have close by. It is and continues to be my choice to live far away from "family" and I do see my daughter 5-6 times a year...I make that a priority.....but with family, you can feel "included" in times without having to be asked. I have friends but they all have their own families, and so it's hard when I hear all the things they do together (because they live close enough) and I sometimes wonder, how did I land up so distant from my kin (not just physical distance but also emotionally...since my sister passed away, I really feel orphaned).

I get twinges of anger because I didn't choose to leave Canada and after so many years, I think often of returning but it's overwhelming to me.

And so this resonated with me:

Quote
I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit,

I have come to understand that I can have some of this...we are on speaking terms and spend time with our daughter ... because she lives so far away, our time together is short and it is a blessing that we don't need to "split" the time with her although I would not say it is easy but it works for her and for him, perhaps better than for me as it is draining to be around someone and not engage in a "real" relationship.

And so, your post today, and especially your thread's title "living through the ghost" is a good one for me today as we shall all visit together this weekend and I am grateful for that.

I have been considering getting a dog again. I have not had a dog for over a year and I miss the company of a living thing in the house.  We have another "family" time planned for October so perhaps after that week.

I really enjoyed reading all your activities and hope some day we can meet up again!

I do hope we can meet up again too xy.  Covid really waylaid a lot of stuff.  I remember you talking about your dog and I was very saddened that you had to say goodbye.  The kids keep trying to pressure me to get a dog and it just doesn't fit with my life right now.  I keep telling them if they want to get a dog for their own home, it can be my grand-dog.  M and Lucy are getting along well and have gotten into a great pattern together.

I am glad you are having a visit with your family!  I hope you can recharge your batteries afterward, as I totally understand about the drain from being around MLCer and not having a real relationship.  Such a weird place to be in.

I did talk to my MLCer the other day briefly.  He wanted to make sure that I was ok with S going on a camping trip to work at a food truck for a few days out of town.  S is on the verge of spreading his wings and is very responsible.  He has never given me a reason to mistrust him.  I reminded MLCer of this.  He won't be so far that I can't drive to him and help if needed.  He's not even as far as when I drove to meet you and P (gosh it's been so long she's been on here I forgot her screen name) for lunch when we met up.  P and I text once in a while and are on Facebook together.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#27: July 23, 2022, 12:48:04 PM
S22 says that he's a little disappointed that we've made all these modern advancements and can do amazing things and yet all this time it seems to him that fireworks are one of those things that have never changed and could be made better somehow. 

There are much better blue fire compositions these days, and there are now star patterns in some of the shells (like smiley faces). The latter have been around for a while now (maybe a decade or two?), but that's relatively short compared to the history of fireworks. So there!  :D

My coworker watched fireworks from in Washington D.C. overlooking the monument and it looked phenomenal.  I think fireworks in our neck of the woods are just not that spectacular, lol.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#28: July 23, 2022, 12:57:03 PM
Quote
I think a lot of the time, what I am mourning, is the loss of the marriage and family unit, and what that meant long term, as well as the potential for what kind of husband and father he could've been vs. actually mourning the loss of the person that he turned out to be.  It's complicated.

You said this better than I could, but I feel the same way. I really miss being part of an intact family unit. I've remarried and I have a really good relationship with my adult kids, but that whole Mom/Dad/Daughter/Son unit is gone forever. The four of us used to be so close. We did things together. Now I have good individual relationships with my kids and new wife, but I miss the family game nights and the parts of my kids that my xw brought out.

Quote
Some days, I miss my best friend and wonder where they're gone and other days I wonder if I every really actually knew him.
Me too. I miss that person who knew me when I was 22. Who remembers my bad haircuts, lousy jobs, broken-down cars, successes, and well - more than half of my life. When there's no one who remembers stories from our past and who we can reminisce with, it almost feels like huge parts of life didn't happen. What a huge loss we've suffered! But then, was that person actually the person we thought we knew? Or some idealized construct that we loved so much we overlooked their flaws? For me, the damage to my past actually hurts more than any damage to the future.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Thanks for sharing your update - your thoughts really resonated with me.

Don't apologize!  Please ramble anytime.  I can absolutely identify with what you are saying and are sober to the fact that if I am to have a relationship later on, that family unit is going to look and feel completely different. 

I absolutely mourn the loss of my husband as if he has died, flaws and all.  I will always feel that it wasn't irretrievably broken, but I do take some peace out of thinking that maybe the way things worked out, the kids and I were spared from more collateral damage down the road.  Or perhaps my relationship with my kids would be different.  And the children they are now, which I am so proud and fully celebrate, may not be the same measure, the same personality as what they are now.  The kids and I had to face enormous growth.  They are certainly not shallow and have been challenged in every way.  And I often wonder what I would have lost with them had I been by husband's side and he had never changed?  Would they have still come around?  The way things were going, I don't know that they would have cared to spend time at our house.  That would have hurt me deeply.  I would have constantly been at war with trying to be the supportive wife and the mother that I was intended to be.

But of course I also think that that can go both ways.  If he had become the husband and father that he had the potential to be, their lives would have been better than they are now, and without the pain of all this loss and PTSD and trauma.

It certainly can go both ways.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3349
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
Living Through The Ghost
#29: July 23, 2022, 01:03:12 PM
Great update, Faith!  You sound like you are filling your life with wonderful things and creating many happy memories.   Spending time with the people we love and doing the things we love is the best feeling!

I highly recommend Top Gun: Maverick.  Popeye and I saw it and loved it.  It was very well done.  And, although I wouldn't say I'm a huge Tom Cruise fan, he really has kept himself in remarkable shape.

BB, we really enjoyed the movie.  I could have done without the lady that I was sitting next to though.  She was a pretty miserable human.

They did a fantastic job on it and yes, he is in remarkable shape.  My B was telling me that they asked Kelly to come back, but she said that she was too old and that they wouldn't want her.  I keep telling my D that she needs to see the first one, if for no other reason than to see how Iceman and Maverick's relationship progressed and to see Ice in his prime.  She's not convinced, since they had the flashbacks to the original.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.