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1
Our Community / Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:34:02 AM »
The doldrums.... Yep... THAT is even a better description than "limbo" I think for that weird place.... Nothing to propel one in any direction at all so one is a bit at the mercy of the currents unless one manages to get their own engine started and go forward under their own power....

The visitor sounds like a great boost - ironically, S14 and I had a similar bit of experience yesterday - our church is slowly returning to "normal" with being able to have real live services int eh church itself. Since I was preaching yesterday (first time in the church itself in almost 2 years), S14 went with me and was immediately recruited (OK, he immediately volunteered) to be an acolyte (for those unfamiliar with the Episcopal tradition, there are normally 2 acolytes that carry the candles and assist on the altar along with the Crucifer that carries the cross). Our Priest, Steve, was OVER THE MOON that he had a "full" party on the altar for the first time since he arrived in Frankfurt, 18 months ago. We are still NOT passing the Chalice (the wine) so that part of the altar party wasn't there but since I was, that made up a bit for it.  But Steve's joy was really infectious and S14 was glad to see some of his church friends too again after so long.... A bit of wind in the sails to begin moving out of the doldrums....

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Our Community / Out of Chaos into Calm
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:11:17 AM »
$600 per MONTH? What planet is THAT landlord living on? That sounds like one of the tricks they use to get long-term renters out so they can ... Yep ... Increase the rent

But, like you said, very often things happen for a reason the way that they happen. Since xH is now in deep poo and hasn't fulfilled his obligations as they are anyway, he has no say in the matter.  Does S16 have any real R with his father?

Regardless, it sounds as if you have taken the bull by the horns and are making the best decisions you can for you, S16, and the rest of your lives. xH made his choices and will have to deal with the consequences of those choices. That includes the fact that you too can make choices now that no longer need to take him into consideration....
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Our Community / JohnnyBravo's story
« Latest by UrsaMajor on September 26, 2021, 11:59:02 PM »
TGF = Toxic Girl Friend - read my Tagline about enablers and accomplices..... Toxic Friends are the Mid-Lifers best buds because they are the quintessential enablers and accomplices but at the same time, for the exact same reasons, they are the LBS's worst enemies....

I used "Weed Blocker Cloth" under gravel in a couple of different places with very (so far) good results. Like you, I needed something to let water through (also like you, there was a plastic sheet there before so the water pooled) and to keep the gravel form vanishing into the dirt and leaving the paving stones sticking out. There are several different kinds available (at least here in Germany) and the one I had is like a thin felt. We'll see how long it lasts but also, it does make it easier to pull up what weeds do grow....
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Our Community / Steady as she goes...
« Latest by UrsaMajor on September 26, 2021, 11:53:20 PM »
Don’t get me wrong - I’m quite content and happy in my life and specifically in my shared life with her. It’s just a calm, subdued sort of happiness.

I wonder for how many of us LBS's, whether we reconcile or move on to a new R are exactly in this same frame of mind/emotion. The "Butterflies in the stomach" are long gone and don't really seem to be intent on returning - Instead it is, as you noted, a calm and subdued set of emotions.... More "mature" maybe? I don't know but I can fully echo your feelings... Sometimes I wonder if it is not doing a disservice to my partner or if there is something that is "wrong" with the R in that the heady, emotional "high" just is not there, just not happening.... but, at the same time, the rational mind says that limerence is not a particularly productive/positive state of being - yeah, maybe an endorphin rush but it tends to cloud over the red flags too... If one is looking at life through rose-colored glasses, everything looks pink, including the red flags.... Hmmmmmm ....

Monday morning and<swoosh!> deep into thinky land... I need more coffee.....
5
Our Community / Re: When MLC and aftermath turn tragic
« Latest by Ready2Transform on September 26, 2021, 07:05:50 PM »
It's all very sad. I have to agree with the others - this likely is not MLC. I hope your friend can move toward acceptance in the future, but that first she focus on what is likely horrible grief to work through with the loss of her child. As far as what to say or do, I would just show empathy as you would to any other suffering any loss, and not approach the marriage subject unless she asks. We all deal with the grief in our own way, and since so much has been made public for her, maybe just respect what privacy she does have.
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Our Community / Love Comes Walking In
« Latest by beyondblessed on September 26, 2021, 06:55:52 PM »
A hearty congratulations to both of you, BB! 

I hope you're making the wedding cake!!

SB, I don't know about the cake for the actual day of our wedding,  since it is a destination wedding/honeymoon and I'm definitely not packing all of my baking supplies and dragging them along😆  And, no way am I traveling over 12 hrs with a wedding cake lol  Our wedding is at sunset and after,  we plan to go out with our families for a nice oceanfront dinner.  I can't think of a better way to start our new life together.

Once we return home...and here's to hoping we've found our new home by then 🤞🤞, we plan on having a nice house warming/reception for friends and family.  For that, I can assure many different gourmet cupcakes and desserts 🥰


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Our Community / JohnnyBravo's story
« Latest by JohnnyBravo on September 26, 2021, 04:40:39 PM »
Garden cart? Shoot, I already have two wheelbarrows... :)

I've heard about the weed cloth fallacy; I use it as much to keep the gravel from sinking into the dirt as for weeds. They had plastic under there before (from 30-40 years ago), and I wanted something that would let the water through. It does keep weed roots from getting too deep so they're easier to pull out, though.
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Our Community / Re: JohnnyBravo's story
« Latest by forthetrees on September 26, 2021, 03:42:19 PM »
Garden cart- less likely to tip:) Weed cloth is a fraudulent product.
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Our Community / Re: When MLC and aftermath turn tragic
« Latest by Jo on September 26, 2021, 03:39:55 PM »
Thank you Nas and Thunder. I'm SO glad I asked!

I've never stopped to evaluate the comparisons of a person coming out at mid life with what many of us identify as mlc traits, or precursors to an almost predictable mlc fracture "playbook".
1.  Detachment: It makes sense that a person coming out would need to emotionally detach from their current life, in order to prepare for the next chapter. But perhaps in the coming out, the detaching partner would want to protect their wife and children? Laying a base for acceptance.
2. Lies and sneaking around, this is probably something they've been doing all their life...to avoid being outed before they were ready?
3. Emotional affair then physical, affirmation and confirmation of their true identity?
4.  Some folks spend money as a coping mechanism for stress. Some use money to impress their next partners. Hetero or homosexual?
5. Reinventing history, to assuage perhaps the identity guilt with their spouses of opposite sex? A safe landing post coming out for both partners?
6. Some folks in identity crisis also use reinventing themselves physically (some plastic surgery), and attempting to run from the aging process. Perhaps, the mid life homosexuals coming out also think time is running out to be the real me, or all I want to be?
7. Rush to remarry, although not yet divorced from current spouse? I can see this as a comparison.

I also learned that the husband also offered to give his wife "everything" (they're mega, mega millionaires), homes, jewelry, etc. but wanted to only keep one thing, his exotic car collection. He did want 50/50 shared custody citing that he was divorcing her, not their children. (Willing to sacrifice everything to be free...run?

Lots of family secrets were exposed. (And I don't mean about him being gay), I mean things that are legal in their native country are not legal here in the US)..This woman is being hit on all sides.

Again, I'm so glad I asked cause I've had a paradigm shift in my beliefs about mlc.
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Our Community / JohnnyBravo's story
« Latest by JohnnyBravo on September 26, 2021, 02:57:27 PM »
Ursa, what does TGF stand for? (I assume GF is Girlfriend...)

I put out the halloween decorations today. (It seems early, but the neighbors are already at it...) W was the big halloween decorator. She had made some cute decorations, some of which we tossed when she left. (I'm wondering if we shouldn't have, but they were easy enough to make again.) There was one set that she did want me to save for the house, that we both worked on. I wasn't going to put them out, but decided to anyway. The neighbors like them, and in case she decides to do a drive by, it will be a little connection. (While we were packing up her stuff, she said she might do the drive by, but I doubt it.)

I've been fixing the landscaping in the front of the house, and was sieving out gravel and re-laying it on weed block fabric. One section I had to work on is at an angle, and after the wheelbarrow got about half full of gravel, it fell over. So, I put a block of wood under the low skid, and started again. Then it fell over the other way. At that point, I needed to come inside and cry for a minute. Before BD, I would have thrown a temper tantrum at the wheelbarrow, but haven't done that since then. I've never yelled at people, only things, but that's something I need to fix. I was doing it more often as the pandemic dragged on, and I feel bad about that for W's sake. After BD, when she said she expected me to be angry, I replied, "That's why I get mad at the stupid little things, so I can handle the big things." At least I'm learning to take a breath instead.

Well, that's it for now. No news is good news.

JB

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