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Author Topic: My Story Out of Chaos into Calm

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My Story Out of Chaos into Calm
#80: September 27, 2021, 12:11:17 AM
$600 per MONTH? What planet is THAT landlord living on? That sounds like one of the tricks they use to get long-term renters out so they can ... Yep ... Increase the rent

But, like you said, very often things happen for a reason the way that they happen. Since xH is now in deep poo and hasn't fulfilled his obligations as they are anyway, he has no say in the matter.  Does S16 have any real R with his father?

Regardless, it sounds as if you have taken the bull by the horns and are making the best decisions you can for you, S16, and the rest of your lives. xH made his choices and will have to deal with the consequences of those choices. That includes the fact that you too can make choices now that no longer need to take him into consideration....
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#81: September 27, 2021, 11:01:13 PM
Enjoy the new adventures Courage! I moved halfway across the country a year post-divorce and the change of scenery did me a world of good. I wish the same for you. To life!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#82: September 28, 2021, 02:34:02 AM
Quote
So I will have family support, an affordable place to live, s 16 will have his cousin and aunts and uncles. We will have a new state to explore. And I will be able to travel nurse and finish the process of getting us debt free and our nest egg for our travel plans.

Well, look at you, Ms Courageheart  :)
Sounds like there are way more good possibilities than not in your plan, so well done you.
I wish you nothing but good winds in your sails  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#83: September 28, 2021, 02:59:13 PM
Thank you all for the well wishes.

It’s scary, and a lot and exciting. But not too shabby for a surprise plan B.

Ursa: to answer your question. S16 does have a pretty on again off again relationship with his father….who currently is in an ill advised standoff with a teenager over who’s job it is to keep in touch.  He’s mad that s16 doesn’t call him so he’s refusing to see s16 unless s16 calls consistently and apologizes…….s16 wasn’t raised like that….so he says “he is the adult he is the parent, he is supposed to call me and come see me. If I give in he will make me do it all the time.”
Sooooooo that’s where that relationship is at.

Xh is in the bed he made. It sucks, it’s unpleasant and difficult and a big lesson. I wish he had made better choices for himself.

As for me…..it was a sh!te hand of cards….but I am good at 2 things…..rescuing myself and eternal optimism. Besides 70% of communication is nonverbal…..so what I do is still teaching s16 lessons that he will carry for the rest of his life. So we cry, we grieve we learn what lessons are to be learned from the thing and then we regroup.

We will go to where the love and acceptance is freely offered and freely given and remind ourselves that one persons perception doesn’t define us or our value.

As far as the new property managers go….ehhhh….it’s near a military town and they can set the rent at rent plus BHA and get it so they do. No surprises there.

I told myself if the rent went to an amount I couldn’t afford that would be my sign that it was time to start over somewhere new. Then the rent went up to $1900 a month. So I was just like…..okay god….time to go……but where??? I need some direction? Three days later my aunt calls out of the blue and offers. So now we know it’s time to go and we have a direction. There’s a lot more love and support out there than you think…you just have to be able to see it and seize it when it’s offered.

Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#84: October 19, 2021, 02:43:56 PM
Smallish update of sorts. Still working on the big move, but also band season so football games, and band competitions and band practice every day. Accompanied by the usually 3 trips back and forth for forgotten things or permission slips or snacks. S 17 ( he has had a birthday!) is teaching himself a new instrument, I am completely blown away by how fast he can pick up something and how long he will sit and practice till he gets it. So I hope the neighbors enjoy the sounds of a euphonium.
Work is crazy….all but 4 nurses will be leaving by the end of the year, so more than 50% of the staff is gone. So long days and very very very sick patients.

And me…..I’m here….wherever here is. A strange amalgam of scared, burnt out, excited, overwhelmed and still working through a fair bit of ptsd. It’s so cyclical. I wonder if it will ever work itself out or if this is just who I am now. Things come up, deeper layers than before, less obvious things…..sometimes just a thought…..with no other info….as if it just needs to be turned over to the background programming that’s always running to be solved.
There are so many times now a specific memory will pop in and sudden clarity of the thought……that wasn’t right…and here’s why.  What’s happening in my brain and body feel very disconnected from one another…..so my jaw will ache and I’ll have panic attacks that come and go for a week….no amount of meditation or journaling can seem to tame it….so I just sit with it and do soothing things until eventually it breaks…..then I spend a day or 2 crying and the cycle starts again.
Am I healing? Is it getting better? I don’t know…..is there really any barometer for such things?
From the outside I’m sure it all looks fine. From here on the inside….it’s my new normal.
I journal daily and some days off I’ll journal for several hours. I am writing to me. All the stories all the things I don’t have the words to explain to everyone else. I write to me now. Sometimes I read them out loud to myself. There is no one else but me to witness her (little courage) stories and her emotions and somehow in a strange way I finally feel less alone.
There are parts of the stories I don’t know it would ever be right to tell people. There’s a lot more I have deep shame about. Things that were said or tolerated that I cannot believe I allowed then. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wishes that they had walked away much much sooner. Exh never deserved the loyalty or love I was giving him….I did, I deserved so much more than what was offered at that table.
I have come to a place where I feel sad, sad for me, sad that it was as traumatic and cruel and confusing as it was…..but I’m not sad it ended. I’m not sad that it’s over. I’m grateful it ended, I’m grateful for what I learned, I’m glad it broke what needed to break inside me to finally see and address my stuff.


What was said cannot be unsaid. The cruelty, the malice, the betrayal cannot be undone, not for me, the side of him he showed me cannot be unseen…..

Slowly, inch by inch I earn back what never should have been taken from me in the first place wether that is boundaries, or self love, or the right to be treated tenderly and kindly and with the assumption of good intentions.

It would be great if I told you I was out gallivanting with all my best friends and traveling the world in a blissful sea of love and acceptance. Some days are like that. More days are me cloistered in my house battling my mother’s voice telling me not to try, not to want , not to be and that I ruin everything……..I’m not sure if I’ll ever root that out or if it’s just something I’ll eventually learn to control…..

It’s okay that this is where I am, it makes sense that this is where my biggest battles lie. It is enough some days that all I can do is show up and just be, and still be nice to myself irrespective of what’s on the channel up there in my head.

It isn’t a bad thing to be here in this moment, wrestling with these particular issues. There is no where else I’m supposed to be. Nothing else I’m supposed to be doing and nothing I’m missing by giving me this time……it’s okay. There is enough time for everything. There really is.

So if you needed to hear this today I hope it helped. And if not thanks for reading. I love you guys. Keep your chin up.

Love Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#85: October 20, 2021, 03:03:12 AM
It would be great if I told you I was out gallivanting with all my best friends and traveling the world in a blissful sea of love and acceptance. Some days are like that. More days are me cloistered in my house battling my mother’s voice telling me not to try, not to want , not to be and that I ruin everything……..I’m not sure if I’ll ever root that out or if it’s just something I’ll eventually learn to control…..

It’s okay that this is where I am, it makes sense that this is where my biggest battles lie. It is enough some days that all I can do is show up and just be, and still be nice to myself irrespective of what’s on the channel up there in my head.

It isn’t a bad thing to be here in this moment, wrestling with these particular issues. There is no where else I’m supposed to be. Nothing else I’m supposed to be doing and nothing I’m missing by giving me this time……it’s okay. There is enough time for everything. There really is.

This is WAY more than a "smallish" update... this is some REALLY heavy lifting and hard mirror work.

As for the internal voice of Mommy Dearest


This is likely something that will require more than an internal struggle to deal with (in my opinion).  This is like deprogramming a virus without destrying the hard drive all together and usualy needs the help of professionals...
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#86: October 20, 2021, 04:52:23 PM
Hi UM,
Thank you for your memes……they meme a lot to me and always cheer me up! 🤣

I definitely do not recommend attempting this work entirely alone (please refer to your MLCer as they are the control group for going it alone).

I have a therapist I see weekly and roughly 100 books on attachment, complex trauma, and a brand new shiny toolbox of coping mechanisms…….and it’s still a big task.

My therapist says you have to use the gottman theory of 5-10 good things to every bad one…….so when mommy dearest raises from the recesses of my mind…..it takes lots of positive actions and words to combat it.
Maybe one my my brain won’t be such a battlefield……but the nervous system is probably never going to go back to before….

That is what it is…..

Sometimes the only thing you can do is let go of the frantic attachment to the idea of an endpoint, a destination or a timeline…..some of the worst pain is focusing on how soon it can be over rather than just taking things as they come. I’m learning (God if you are listening I’d like to emphasize AGAINST MY WILL) that trying to make things happen faster or just get to the end keeps me from focusing on addressing the now, and being with little courage in the moment…in her fear and uncertainty and anger and pain.

Thanks for replying. ❤️
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#87: October 21, 2021, 02:43:26 AM
Gottmann Theory is generous in comparison to the US Navy Lore -

"It takes 100 'Atta-boys!' to erase the impact of one 'Aw $#!!'"

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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

C
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Out of Chaos into Calm
#88: November 28, 2021, 05:37:08 AM
Moving day is drawing nearer…..I have the sense that this is so many endings all at once. I may leave more of this version of me here than I realized.
I’ve been cloistered here, just me alone with myself. When I set my mind to a thing I am unyielding.  So when I decided to tear down everything that isn’t me. Every rule, every expectation, every belief, every lie……to root out the foundations of my own soul till I found something true…..I did. It has been one of the hardest most solitary years of my life, and the most meaningful and precious one too.

Learning to love what is about me. Not to wait until I’m some version of myself that is finally perfect enough that I allow myself to love it. Learning to sit with the reality of me, the positive wonderful parts and my smallness, meanness, deception, dishonesty and victim hood. To sit with those parts and accept them.

I am going to break my own heart when I leave this place and I know it…..that is okay too. The goal of life isn’t to avoid pain. The goal was to embrace joy, and happiness, and wonder in-spite of the inevitable  pain.  Not everyone is permanent, some people are meant to be temporary people, you just get to love them and appreciate them while you have them and learn to let go when it is time to let go.

This version of me still has much to heal. But as with all things not everything can be healed the same way. There is a part of you that is wounded from being scrutinized and judged and measured……when you find that part there is no other option but to sit with it to let it be just as it is.

When I went to foster care training they taught us that no matter how lovely, perfect, kind or wonderful you were…..the kids would fight that out of fear. Their coping mechanisms and safety were entirely wrapped up in knowing and understanding the situation they were in, it’s rules, boundaries, expectations and consequences. They have no defenses for gentle loving homes. They cannot trust that it is real, they are always waiting for the “catch” the cost, the other show to drop. I am the same, some tenderness I can tolerate…..others spirals me into a panic attack…..this will take time.

Things change with time, how you see what happened to you is a reflection of where you are at…..not so much the thing.  I am still cycling through all the different and changing lenses through which I view what happened. Sometimes I am angry with a fury that wants to burn cities to the ground and salt the ashes. Other times I am overwhelmed with sorrow over how very different life ended up being for those 2 naive people that got married. I wonder if I’ll ever settle how I see it.

I spent thanksgiving alone, it felt sacred. I am on call, s17 is at his fathers. I could have gone somewhere and they would have invited me in, and I would have been surrounded by love and friends and food. I chose this…..4 days, 4 more precious days to myself with me. I don’t think this next part will allow that much solitude and I think in many ways I will miss it.  These days alone with little courage…..we eat her favorite foods, we dance in the kitchen, I ask her questions she won’t answer unless we are alone together. She is learning to be vulnerable with me….to trust me, to allow me in.  She is ready to protect, defend, fight……she is ready for anything except tenderness, love, or acceptance. She is wild and fierce and I love her.

She won’t be left behind when we move…..but luring her out and building trust takes time.  This place gave me the time and space to do it. Where we go next will be busy, lots of family, lots of activities lots of interaction……she will have to learn how to let other people love her, and to not run away whenever they do.

My sister came and we sorted the garage, which meant a few breakdowns, I am unsure what to do with certain things. A photo from our engagement party where our families wrote their well wishes on the lining. So many of those are from people that have passed, our grandmothers, his mother……sentimental words from dead people on our dead marriage. I don’t really know what to do with it or all the conflicting emotions things like that bring up. So we sorted and I let myself cry, and cry, and cry….by the end of the day everything was sorted….and I was ready for the day to be over.  But that is not how things work. I made hotpot for my sister as she had never had it before. I tried to make peanut sauce and of course the bottle exploded, it was in my hair, covered half my face, on the ceiling the floor and the cupboards…..I burst into tears. My sister sent me to the shower with assurances she would handle it. Peanut sauce is oil based which means it smears oil…..everywhere….so I grab handfuls of body wash to scrub my face……and then promptly breath in a mouthful of bubbles and soap….which triggers an emotional flashback to my parents putting soap in my mouth. I had a good long cry in the shower…..but I was really relieved when that day ended.

We move December 20th. I probably won’t write before then. I hope your thanksgiving was lovely. And your Christmas is full of love and joy.

Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

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Out of Chaos into Calm
#89: November 28, 2021, 06:18:55 AM
Wow Courage,
That was a whole lot of raw emotions and insight and I am here for it!  Baring your soul is just a huge step in recovery and when you can own your pain, weaknesses and hope IMHO is a sign of all good things to come. Wishing you all good things as you embark on this new life and home to come.
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« Last Edit: November 28, 2021, 06:52:28 AM by Tornup »
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

 

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