Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4990
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#150: August 09, 2021, 09:11:15 AM
Thanks FaithWalker.  :)

IDK, sometimes when you go to these types of events, like garden parties where people feel the need to share conversations about their spouses, it has always made me feel uncomfortable. It is not like on occasion I didn't grumble to someone about my Xh, because that would make me a liar. But, I tried so very hard to not somehow disrespect Xh in any way.

The complaints I had before MLC really were amusing. They were no different than Xh had about me, that is we operated differently. The one that thing that got so it drove me nuts was Xh would get ready in the morning he would bring his ironed shirt downstairs and hang it on the back of the bathroom door. He would have his coffee and then put his button down shirt on and would leave the hanger. I would have to remove the hanger every day and would take it upstairs. And the thing is, there is a closet right outside of the bathroom where the hanger and the shirt for that matter could have hung. I asked him if he could start hanging it on the hook in the closet instead of the bathroom, because the hanger was in an awkward place on that bathroom door. The kids would be scrambling to get to school and the hanger would somehow get caught on them. Every day, I would end up being the one that moved the hanger. It annoyed me. It wasn't a big thing. I even got so I left every hanger on the door as they accumulated to see if Xh noticed. He didn't but when I mentioned it to him, he swore he was the one that put them in the closet or removed them from the bathroom door.

It really was such a ridiculous thing and we didn't argue about it. I simply accepted it was a habit I was not going to change, and at times I would grumble, other times I would laugh because I knew I had things I did that drove him crazy. These things were never deal breakers. And yes, sometimes I would laugh about it with friends who would be saying their spouses did something that drove them crazy.

But, to say not to get married or to express those feelings, for one they never entered my mind at that point in time. As MLC rolled in, well that was a different story. I was unhappy and not just hangers on the door unhappy. At that point, I did confide in close friends, but again, never in a public setting with mixed company. My friends, they were people who would not share and would give me a good dose of advice or reality.

The thing is, I would have held on and worked through it all at one point. Even my biggest complaints didn't seem insurmountable. But, I was the only one wanting that in reality - to figure out how to get over this fracture in the marriage.

And, it is so difficult to ever describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it or knew my Xh really well. Most people in RL had the opinion that Xh was always this way or that way. They didn't know enough to know how far off balance things had really gotten. Hangers left on the bathroom door - I would have sold my soul to have that just be the issue. But, the man I married, who liked the sense of balance and having our own interests, as well as shared interests became someone I didn't recognize at all. He wanted me at home on the one hand and being a dutiful W, who had no life outside of the house. I was continually told we were supposed to be a core unit and while I agreed on a certain level, it was a new definition he was throwing at me. What that meant was, I was supposed to be like his M, who never learned how to drive and stay home and keep the house spotless and not have any friends outside of the house. And, I never was his M. I had more to my life than just the house and he loved that about me. I was my own person, who was part of the team we had built.

The bigger problems began to arise when Xh decided that he didn't really like that either. He would flip back and forth with what he felt I should be doing. In the end, when life was completely turned on it's ear, he had it so he demanded I should work full time, and still do all the things around the house and take care of the kids. I heard that he deserved to not work all weekend and he could do what he wanted, including going out until the wee hours every weekend with whomever he wanted and I was to put up and shut up.

Did I complain. Oh, I did, but there again, only to those people I knew I could confide in and not have it shared. My close inner circle.

It was no secret I was unhappy. I began to question every nook and cranny of my marriage and who I had married. Had I made a mistake? Had I missed something along the way? And on and on.

Life with Xh was never perfect. I won't say it was because that would repainting history completely. He was not an easy man for most people in terms of living with him. I heard from countless friends how high maintenance he was. And when I first met him, that was true, but he relaxed over the years and somehow was happier. The high maintenance aspect started to roll back in when FIL moved in, as if to somehow make up for Xh's insecurities.

Xh could be moody. I just learned to let him brood and think until he was ready to talk.

I had my things that I brought to the mix.

Yet, no matter what, before the complete crumbling of that foundation we had, we loved each other. We respected one another and were there for each other. We knew who, at the end of the day had our back. And, with that came allowing each other to grow and explore things.

When Xh wanted to go skydiving, I had no desire to jump out of a plane with him. Nope. Sorry, I have flown enough that I prefer to look out the window seat and the idea of jumping out of a plane should only be if I have no other options. I didn't tell Xh no he couldn't go. I went and waited for him on the ground. The only request I made, and he did not argue with me one bit was to please increase his life insurance policy even temporarily to give me peace of mind because S was just an infant. Xh had just started his business and I was on maternity leave. He joked about having to make sure his parachute was going to deploy, but he gave me a kiss before taking off and said he knew I would not wish that on him and knew I was being a good mom and would want both S and I taken care of. There was never any doubt that I wanted him to land safely.

I think back to that scenario now and if it had happened when MLC was in the mix, OMG. It would not have been the same conversation. I would have been plotting and scheming in Xh's mind. I would have been told I wasn't being supportive, and on and on. I basically would have gotten the big FU and I will do as I please response.

I decided to stand initially because I wanted what I had years before all of the crazy rolled in. I quit standing when I realized that was never going to be remotely possible, even in a reconciliation. My Xh is too steeped in his MLC or whatever it is. In truth, I am not sure if it is that or a mix of mental and emotional issues or what, but for him to ever be even remotely possible of overcoming this he would need serious professional help. And the truth is, he has done too much damage. Standing for me became about me more than anything else. It gave me a focus on what I want and don't want moving forward, enough so that I could pull myself together. But that only happened once I detached slowly and felt myself getting stronger. The more I realized I couldn't control things, the better things were for me, and for the kids.

I don't long for what I had. I have put that in a box with other memories and cherish those early times, mainly because I saw what was possible and out of it, I have two kids that I am so grateful for. But, I have also taken those bits of what I did have and looked at them to see what I do want.

And, to be clear, it is not some checklist or comparison shopping that I am talking about. It is just realizing the things that I do want again are things like having a partner where there is balance and interdependence. I am not in search of some carbon copy of who Xh was prior to the meltdown. For one, I am no longer that same person I was then. MLC changed me too. It made me really reevaluate who I am and what makes me tick. Had Xh not gone of the rails, I may have arrived in a similar location on my path, but IDK. I think life tested us and Xh failed the test over and over. Free will kicked in and the path changed for me because of it. I believe God had a plan. Xh kept pissing on God's plan, so God decided to send me a different direction. I don't see it any other way at this point and there have been way too many unexplained things that have arisen in the past months, now actually years since BD, to make it hard to believe otherwise.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11813.new#new
  • Logged
« Last Edit: August 09, 2021, 09:25:02 AM by MourningDove »

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.