[AlvinTheMaker]

She won't tell me what she spent it on. 
My guess, A divorce retainer.... Any other guesses???

Does it matter?   And if it does matter, then why so?
This is bit of the same issue as her spending time on bathroom. You are having eyeballs on her. And as long as they are on her behaviour and in trying to analyze what cannot be reasoned, you are doing a disservice to yourself and to your kids.

What Treasur wrote matters... Regardless of what she did with the money, you need to have plans A,B,C etc ready and loaded so you can be there for yourself and your kids if this erupts badly. That is keeping the eyeballs on you.

Alvin

[Hopeful5]

She won't tell me what she spent it on. 
My guess, A divorce retainer.... Any other guesses???

Does it matter?   And if it does matter, then why so?
This is bit of the same issue as her spending time on bathroom. You are having eyeballs on her. And as long as they are on her behaviour and in trying to analyze what cannot be reasoned, you are doing a disservice to yourself and to your kids.

What Treasur wrote matters... Regardless of what she did with the money, you need to have plans A,B,C etc ready and loaded so you can be there for yourself and your kids if this erupts badly. That is keeping the eyeballs on you.

It matters because we are in absolutely no financial position to spend $10k on anything. It also matters because all debt will be shared if there was a divorce. I've been busting my a$$ to make things happen for my kids (selling my own stuff), so they can do the things they need to do. To see a $10k purchase done "in secret" is not okay.  That credit card was paid off with the refinance of our home, and it's only to be used in case of an emergency.  We've never kept financial secrets from each other.

Anyways, Im almost certain (in my gut), that this was a retainer for a divorce lawyer. It just makes sense. Nothing else does. And she's not someone who would go spend that much money on herself anyways.

I am reaching out to a lawyer now so I'm protected in case that does happen. 

I'm still waiting for her to tell me what she spent it on...  I'm sure I'll find out soon enough!

[forthetrees]

I just got a letter notifying me that credit card interest rates were going up to 33% on carried balances. Please get your ducks in a row.

[AlvinTheMaker]

It matters because we are in absolutely no financial position to spend $10k on anything....it's only to be used in case of an emergency.

True. But like it or not, but you two have been in middle of hurricane for a while. If that does not count as emergency, I don't know what will.

In order to move from A to B, both of you will need to use resources. She used some, and that was her call. You are entitled to do the same.

I've been busting my a$$ to make things happen for my kids (selling my own stuff), so they can do the things they need to do.

This is admirable...but at the same selling your own stuff has been your call. You could have also sold shared property, used to shared credit, or approached your wife..... How to cover needs of kids mutually is one of those things you need to be able to talk and agree.

We've never kept financial secrets from each other.

I know this hurts....but it is unavoidable part of you two becoming independent of each other.

I am reaching out to a lawyer now so I'm protected in case that does happen.

Good....and while you are at it, it might be good idea to start plotting different options for housing, job, schools etc.  The more prepared you are, the more options future will provide for you and kids.

Alvin

[UrsaMajor]

I just got a letter notifying me that credit card interest rates were going up to 33% on carried balances. Please get your ducks in a row.

I'd be sending a letter directly cancelling my account, effective immediately. 33% is ridiculous. There are MUCH cheaper cards available.... Even a short-term loan to pay the balance would be less expensive than that....

It matters because we are in absolutely no financial position to spend $10k on anything. It also matters because all debt will be shared if there was a divorce.

Mid-Lifers can spend money like water over Niagara Falls. Quite frankly, she doesn't give a hill of beans if you both can afford it or not. She only cares about where her next jolt of "happy" is coming from.

I've been busting my a$$ to make things happen for my kids (selling my own stuff), so they can do the things they need to do.

And what has she been contributing towards the kids so they can do the things they need to do? If there IS a D in your future, your kids are also going to have to learn quickly that there are likely things that they want to do that they will no longer be able to do. There is a huge difference between "want to do" and "need to do." One "|needs" to eat, to go to school, etc.  One "wants" to take dancing lessons or have a brand, spanking new pair of Nike's.

To see a $10k purchase done "in secret" is not okay.  That credit card was paid off with the refinance of our home, and it's only to be used in case of an emergency.  We've never kept financial secrets from each other.

There is no longer a "we" in this equation.... There is you, there are the kids, and there is

the Body Snatcher Pod in the garden shed that has taken over the place of the person formerly known as "Wife."

Anyways, Im almost certain (in my gut), that this was a retainer for a divorce lawyer. It just makes sense. Nothing else does. And she's not someone who would go spend that much money on herself anyways.

As long as you are looking for a Mid-Lifer to make sense, you might as well be trying to taste green with your elbow.

I am reaching out to a lawyer now so I'm protected in case that does happen. 

I'm still waiting for her to tell me what she spent it on...  I'm sure I'll find out soon enough!

Good. Since you are effectively separated, you need to document EVERYTING so you don't end up getting the short end of the stick (or any shorter than you already are.... )

[Hopeful5]

I just have to mention how ironic this all is.  My greatest fear as a child was my parents getting a divorce. It tore up my life for a few years while they were constantly fighting. The worked through it and are happily married in their old age. I was so careful to marry a woman who I thought would be a great wife. And here I am, going through the worst childhood nightmare, now as an adult. And now I have kids going through my greatest fear as a child. It tears me apart...

[Hopeful5]

Well, I found out that my W is working with a D attorney...  D is incoming...  I think it finally hit me today that this is really happing.  I don't know why it's so hard to accept reality sometimes (??).  This is seriously the most wacko thing that I've ever seen in any family...

[Treasur]

Fwiw, I think there might be a point in the LBS process when the more we try to understand it, the less understandable it feels , and that can freeze us a bit. Not denial exactly but a state of disbelief, I think. A lot of us have felt that, at least for a while. Imho I found digging deep for a kind of active Acceptance, with a capital A but without understanding, helped. There are quite a lot of things I accept as reality without understanding why or how…..,the detail of how gravity and electricity work, hailstones in March, my cat deciding she now hates her previously favourite food, the cause of some cancers.

I found it helped to focus hard on tangible things I could understand and do something with….where some kind of cause and effect seemed to work. Try to keep your focus on that. Keep going. I’m not sure if this experience ever entirely will make sense, but the other things in life that do grow to be bigger so it becomes smaller if that makes sense. But it takes a bit of time. No reason why that won’t be the same for you and tbh, much as we never imagined wanting the finality of a divorce, life can be much easier without these kinds of folks as passengers throwing hand grenades!

You might find it helpful too in moving through this stage to start training your brain to think of her as your stbxw, actually as not YOUR anything really. Treat her as if she is already your ex. Expect of her, and you, no more or different than how ex-spouses normally behave. A kind of Doing Reality before it Feels like Reality if that makes sense. Can be a pretty useful guide when your brain feels at sixes and sevens. Do you have your own legal representation? Have you taken advice on things you might need to change to protect yourself financially and practically?

[xyzcf]

I don't know why it's so hard to accept reality sometimes (??).  This is seriously the most wacko thing that I've ever seen in any family...

As you know by now, when people are in crisis, they are doing many things that are out of character. Complete opposite to what we know of them. There is little or no discussion about "us" or why they are doing these things, lots of secrets...the bonds we shared, the life we shared are completely broken.

In the 32 years we were married, never once did the word "divorce" pass our lips. Our marriage was solid and as he told me many years ago, years before BD when we were facing a challenge in our lives "our marriage is so strong it can survive anything".

I often see couples who are truly nasty to one another, truly unhappy in their marriages...and yet they are still together as a couple...so how the heck, does a marriage like mine end this way?

As I studied and learned more about MLC, it was the only way to get my head and heart around what had happened. His crisis sent him in a totally opposite direction of who he once was, the man of honesty and integrity that he once was.

And we really don't have a say in their "divorce". Unlike marriage, where two people agree to becoming husband and wife, only one person can destroy the marriage...yes, I had to sign the paperwork otherwise I could not get the assets that were mine...and regardless, this is a no fault state so the divorce would   be granted no matter what my wishes were.

Yet, the divorce did not change his interactions and contact with me...and lol, it was never discussed except for when he sent me an email informing me 9 years after BD that he had filed for a divorce. I had one rather tense conversation with him ( mainly because I would now lose my health insurance). I can only guess why he felt the need to file then, I suspect things but because there is no openness, I truly don't know.

My own way of dealing with this is to accept that this is "reality" . I believe his crisis, the psychological break that occurred is truly a pathology...one that science doesn't really understand but then we don't understand many things about illnesses, especially those of the mind.

I continue to think of him as "husband". The divorce belongs totally to him. In my heart and in God's eyes this is who he is. I truly doubt that I would ever marry again, there doesn't seem to be much point if this can happen. As in your childhood, divorce just wasn't something in my family or in his.

[Atari25]

I just have to mention how ironic this all is.  My greatest fear as a child was my parents getting a divorce. It tore up my life for a few years while they were constantly fighting. The worked through it and are happily married in their old age. I was so careful to marry a woman who I thought would be a great wife. And here I am, going through the worst childhood nightmare, now as an adult. And now I have kids going through my greatest fear as a child. It tears me apart...

Well, I found out that my W is working with a D attorney...  D is incoming...  I think it finally hit me today that this is really happing.  I don't know why it's so hard to accept reality sometimes (??).  This is seriously the most wacko thing that I've ever seen in any family...

I truly feel for you because I know I can be in the same situation months from now, helpless to do much about it if it comes.

My parents almost broke up once and my dad left for a few days. We begged him to some back and he did. I was sure it would never happen to me also. It really does feel like a dream, completely crazy. So hard!