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1
Our Community / All of us learned how to walk by failing
« Latest by PJ Ames on Today at 12:38:07 PM »
Sorry you're going through this. The hits keep coming, don't they?

I went through so much humiliation with my divorce. The whole thing is so unfair - someone blows up a family and seemingly suffers no ill consequences. While so often it's the other spouse that gets treated like a loser. It sucks.

I know you'll get your finances straightened out in no time. You've endured worse. Like UM says, "you don't go through hell and back without acquiring transferable skills."
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Our Community / Steady as she goes...
« Latest by Acorn on Today at 10:44:05 AM »
Hi Curiosity, just catching up on the latest  on your thread.  Nothing dramatic, just steady. (Wonderful!) That resonated with me and I appreciate it.  I think stability is often the unsung hero. It was the theme of our reconnecting and reconciling process.  No huge breakthrough moments, but almost imperceptible progress every week, every month.  It’s only a sample one, of course. 

Yes, ‘communication.’  That is such an important component of any deep relationship, isn’t it.  What we have realized  through our many meandering talks is that communication itself is a wonderful starting point.  And we understand that comprehension (true and deep understanding of what the other person means) is the next level of communication.  There are additional rungs in terms of concrete and sustained attitudes and actions which prove comprehension (confirmation of comprehension).  We are actively working on these additional rungs because we never ever want to take our marital relationship for granted again.  I Just wanted to share that.  :)

Wishing you nothing but the very best. 

Hugs!
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Our Community / Reconnection... not there yet
« Latest by Acorn on Today at 10:25:22 AM »
Hi Yo, it’s good to read your recent posts and see that there are positive developments in your husband and relationship.

You seem to be realistic in your assessment of the situation by not indulging in assumptions.  At the same time, you refuse to take on the attitude of ‘glass half empty’ but rather, see and appreciate positive developments.  That attitude perhaps explains the vibe I get from your posts — you seem to be at peace with where things stand in terms of his healing and relationship.  You are not in a hurry for a full marital reconciliation, you do not rub his nose in the mess he made, you have no need to exact your pound of flesh by laying out all his ‘sins’ and demanding apologies (I’m of the opinion that they will come in due time when he is healed and grown enough; preferably, in action.).

What I appreciate about your posts is that you have not engaged in denigrating your husband, you did not poke him to try to fix him, you did not lecture at him with a holier-than-thou attitude, or share with him your analysis of what’s in HIS head, etc.  In short, you showed understanding and compassion, all the while upholding the dignity of both of you and maintaining the boundaries that are enforceable at your end.  In my humble opinion, you have shown what a loving and empathetic stander looks like.  :)

I wish you further wisdom and strength as you continue on with what you have been doing. 

Hugs!
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I would not sign first. I rent apartments and never sign the lease first. You´ve got to get party B to commit otherwise they have you committed without committing themselves. With her track record, I doubt it´s guilt and question if it will be a way to have leverage over you and manipulate the situation. She´s the one filing so she should sign first. I could see the scenario where you sign and then she wants to change something- then says, I´ll sign but only if _____________ is modified. You need to know what you´re getting and by her signing first, you have that certainty.
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Our Community / Reconnection... not there yet
« Latest by Yo on July 01, 2022, 10:37:33 PM »
Hola!
MadLuv,  I understand your H can’t handle someone else talking about a lost, nothing can be compared with the lost of a child! I admire your strength and warm heart. Thanks for being here!

Update…
Today I  have an interesting talk with H,
MIL has have some issues, I don’t know if is a mental situation or just emotional but is something that she has been struggling with since H was a little kid.
For years she had been ok checked by a very good doctor but lately it seems like meds are not working.
H told me that sometimes he thought that he was having the same issues as his mother because he felt anxiety, depression and some other feelings like those, and that he was really scared about it,
he says that now he knows it isn’t, but he can’t still say the word “crisis”, is like he is starting to understand what happened to him but for some reason is not completely comfortable talking about it.

I understand now why he didn’t want to go to therapy, he says that he didn’t wanted to be medicated and be like absent like his mother during his childhood
Is really sad! And it makes me think, again, that MLC is directly related with childhood issues

Despite all the things that are happening in his life, he takes the time to ask how I feel and how my day is going. He listens and give opinions about it which makes me realize  that he is not self centered anymore.
6
Our Community / RECORD YEAR
« Latest by Watcher on July 01, 2022, 07:45:36 PM »
Today is July 1st and I have evaded the pokey thus far. So I'm a bit confused at this juncture. We have two female divorce attorney's and we have one female xW whom is the recipient of some contested CS and I guess rightful alimony depending on the way one looks at it.  ::)

Tuesday will be 2 weeks since we closed on the house so I will let the holiday weekend pass but this really needs to be addressed next week before I do end up in the pokey.

So if my xW is entitled to contested CS and rightful alimony  ::) then why have these matters not been settled already.

We requested the college transcripts on May 2nd and it's now been 2 months. I would think if S19 were attending college in accordance with the law then they would have produced the transcripts and her attorney would do everything possible to ensure there were no delays with CS payments.

It's very odd.

Now the alimony is not due until the 18th but I have nowhere to send it. I'm not too worried about that issue yet. Her lawyer requested a wage garnishment which I shot down so ,again, why would her attorney stall and not get this done so her client gets her money in a timely fashion .

Again it's very odd. Oh I believe I have xW on the CS issue and now I'm praying she is also remarried, lol. Oh yes I will be broken hearted. Let me not appear to be too gleeful at this potential prospect, lol. Oh I can dream.

So if this woman is entitled to both CS and alimony by court order then why are they not cooperating on either issue ? I want this settled before I receive a court summons. However, something tells me I'm going to be receiving a court summons.

We still haven't even started the QDRO.

Today was super hot with temps close to 100 so I picked a good rest day from running and the gym. I have a 4 mile race on Monday which will be my third time running it now on the 4th of July.

They are predicting storms for tomorrow so I need to see where I can squeeze in a long run this weekend. I prefer to get it out of the way tomorrow morning if the weather allows me.

Have a good night
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Our Community / Re: All of us learned how to walk by failing
« Latest by Ready2Transform on July 01, 2022, 02:21:39 PM »
Thank you all for the replies.

   Our decree clearly states that I take my son she gets my daughter for insurance coverage. I think you are right about the write off for taxes but that is also spelled out. I have decided to leave her a book of physicians that will accept my insurance and she can decide who to go to from there if she needs to take him in.

    Off Road you are right. She didn't ask, she demanded or stated. Then stated again to get her the info. I haven't responded but I will. I'll tell her that per our decree I cover our son. Here is a list of doctors you can use if you need.

  I have a state funded premium. It costs me nothing to have at the moment. I am embarresed about that for sure.

 I am starting to finally feel a lot better about things. If I could finally get my finances figured out I would be doing much better.

  The brain fog has finally lifted for me. Thank God ! I thought I was literally getting dimensia. I think that is a good sign I am healing.

This stuff really throws us for a huge loop. It's normal, unfortunately! You will be back in financial shape before you know it, and this stuff with your son's insurance will just be a little bump in the road. I'm with Offroad that nothing should change - he's covered, no matter what, but this power play by your ex is unnecessary (and throwing OM in there to add salt in the wound). I had those shame emotions after my bankruptcy, but you know what? It's just a process. And now I have an experience that I learned from and can share with others in times like these. Not everything is defined by your financial life. Your happiness, your mental health, your FREEDOM from your ex's drama, and being a great dad are way up there. One day at a time, and you'll get to the next level from this.
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Our Community / Steady as she goes...
« Latest by Curiosity on July 01, 2022, 12:56:57 PM »
Thanks, Sachat and MadLuv! Just checking back in and wanted to journal a bit. But first, in response… communication is absolutely essential, I agree. I think when two people have a lot of common traits and common interests, a sort of shorthand develops, an understanding that we are on the same page. Over the years, that can become an assumption, and maybe we let that communication slide because we assume we’re still on the same page. But - to take the “page” analogy perhaps a bit too far - we all read at different speeds, so it’s important to make sure we stay in sync. Plus, we’re reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and there are a whole lot of ways in which we can end up reading totally different stories. Anyway… communication is always important, but I think that the importance of it is perhaps more obvious for people who have fundamental differences in personality or interests. I know that I made assumptions along the way, and I dropped the ball on my side of the communication equation. I like to think I have learned from it, but I’m still human. I think that part of why I come here regularly (in addition to wanting to keep up with how you all are doing) is that on a day to day basis, things feel normal and comfortable and it would be almost too easy to forget that MLC happened. And I don’t want to slip back into our old patterns… at least not the unhealthy ones that got us to a place of fragility in which MLC could happen. But I also don’t want to change the relationship so drastically that we lose the parts of it that were really good.

Ultimately, there are two things over which I have control: myself, and what I contribute to our marriage. Okay, maybe three - the third being how I respond to her contributions to our marriage. And I choose to focus on what’s going right; what is good in my life and in our marriage. It’s not all perfect, of course, and I am not blind to that. But there’s a lot that is excellent, and I consider myself quite lucky.
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Our Community / All of us learned how to walk by failing
« Latest by Father5 on July 01, 2022, 11:59:13 AM »
Thank you all for the replies.

   Our decree clearly states that I take my son she gets my daughter for insurance coverage. I think you are right about the write off for taxes but that is also spelled out. I have decided to leave her a book of physicians that will accept my insurance and she can decide who to go to from there if she needs to take him in.

    Off Road you are right. She didn't ask, she demanded or stated. Then stated again to get her the info. I haven't responded but I will. I'll tell her that per our decree I cover our son. Here is a list of doctors you can use if you need.

  I have a state funded premium. It costs me nothing to have at the moment. I am embarresed about that for sure.

 I am starting to finally feel a lot better about things. If I could finally get my finances figured out I would be doing much better.

  The brain fog has finally lifted for me. Thank God ! I thought I was literally getting dimensia. I think that is a good sign I am healing.
10
Our Community / Hi, I'm new.
« Latest by thissucks7788 on July 01, 2022, 06:57:03 AM »
Hi Tsun--- He didn't complain he is paying too much but overall money complaints in general and especially that he is having difficulty paying his rent.  We agreed to have my payment by the 15th of every month so I feel like it is a set up for this coming month.  I mean he is the dips$it who moved out so he only has himself to blame! Fool blew up his good life to rot in a basement and work out.

Yeah, I liked my sister words too.  I am living them even though I pretty much feel like doing nothing-- I am forcing myself.  I usually enjoy it once I get started.  Even hanging with my college friends (who I love and always have fun with) is difficult.  All of them are married and planning their fun things and my fool walked out.  So....

So sorry about the lawyers and their fees (as if this whole thing isn't bad enough we have to yet pay for lawyers).  I am sure eventually I will be headed down this path as well.  I hear they keep running up the bill so I'll be prepared to pay through the nose. (As you can see I feel negative today!)

I read your other thread and I'm so sorry that your H was back earlier than he said.  The lies are just crazy and how insane that he didn't want to see his son.  I agree 100 percent how weird it is that they seem to change overnight--like a switch.

I saw H yesterday briefly when he dropped off our son and frankly he didn't look good.  I felt a pang of concern and then remembered that it isn't my job anymore as I got fired.  I am slowly detaching and questioning the love that I have for him (I mean, who wouldn't) I don't' think any of us thought we would be here in our lives.

Sounds fun about the Elvis movie!! I hope that you have a wonderful time.  Remember, no matter how you feel-- just go! Think of my sister :) :) 

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