[I_Am_The_Prize]

Hi, Thank you for your replies. Yes I put LO (Limerence Object) instead of OW (other woman) or Alienator as the relationship is one-sided, though she definitely manipulates him, so I guess Alienator is fitting. And I guess she is the other woman anyway.

So I spoke to my H again last night. I told him I am uncomfortable with him continuing to work with LO/Alienator. I told him the conversation I overheard between them yesterday. He denied speaking to her at all. Then I said “So what happened to her eye?” He looked surprised, guilty. He said he spoke to (Alienators name) during the group work meeting at 9:30am. I said “I heard you jokingly tell her she needs an eyepatch like a pirate. Seems weird to joke like that in a team meeting.” (It wasn’t 9:30 that I heard the conversation. H is, of course, lying.)

I told H that his tone of voice with LO is hurtful to me, his wife. He doesn’t speak to me with that tone. I said it’s hurtful that you are still speaking to her. He said he doesn’t know why I am hurt, nothing ever happened, nothing ever will happen. I said but your obsession went on for 3 1/2 years, the fantasy in your head, and I suspect it’s still happening when you have any contact with her. You went to India to see her, to give it one last try, you told me this. He did the gamut of denial & admittance, excuses & deflection. The bottom line is he’s not going to stop having her in his life. Limerence Wins! as Kenda-Ruth says.

In 2 1/2 hours H told me he doesn’t want a divorce, maybe he wants a divorce, maybe he wants to leave, maybe he wants to stay. 🙄 He told me he goes back and forth on these daily. I probably shouldn’t have told him this, but whatevs, I told him wherever he goes, whatever he does, he will take himself, his pain, his MLC with him until he finally completes the process, is through Acceptance. (H is currently in Withdrawal with occasional toe dips into Acceptance, though the last was about a month ago. He seems to have gone back into the tunnel.)

H kept talking about money, including saying that my inheritance (in the US) belongs to us both, he was adamant about this, which is concerning. I did not react. H also was super concerned what would happen to my inheritance if I died. This is worrisome.

The reality is H started his EA with his con artist using LO/Alienator & her using family in January 2019. I knew nothing until late February 2022, my Dad passed July 2020 (Mom passed Aug 2015), H EA was happening 18 mos before my Dad passed and over 3 YEARS before I knew. I told H I am angry that he was not honourable, was not honest with me about his EA, angry that H told me WE were a WE when it came time to decide on what to do with my parents house 1 year ago this month. (More money in the pot with the house sold.) I told H if I had known he was having an EA & was not committed to our marriage I could have kept my parents house in California for myself. But nope! He wasn’t honest, instead he talked to me about OUR future together, I believed in him, I believed in us, and so I sold the house. But all along H was dishonest. He broke our marriage vows 18 mos before my Dad passed, so NO my inheritance is not also his.

 And US law supports me on this. I found out about his EA & LO/Alienator a week before I was due to go back to the US to do taxes this year. (I believe my parents in Heaven made sure I found out in time.) Otherwise I likely would have brought my inheritance back with me if it hadn’t found out about my H 3 1/2 year EA & lies. I consulted with the Trust Attorney who said under California law my H has no claim to my inheritance. The whole thing makes me sad because I thought we were a team. I worked hard dealing with my parents estate, it was a huge amount of work, specially for one person, and NO my H never offered to come help me.

I just kept thanking him for holding down the fort while I was away, silly me! I kept the picture in my mind of our future together, that kept me going. I had good intentions. H did not. I do not trust H. I have thoughts: What if H is thinking IF he had my inheritance would LO/Alienator want him then? I don’t know this to be true so I say nothing, I just wonder as LO/Alienator & her family are using con artists that only have any contact with my H when it comes to money. I don’t know the extent to this as H will not allow me access to our bank account. I have emailed the Trust attorney re H’s comments last night. I’ve heard back and now know what steps to take to protect my inheritance and protect my kids.

I now need to prioritise myself, take care of me. My daughter & I are preparing the downstairs guest room to move H into. I’m not moving from our master bedroom. I didn’t do this to our marriage, I shouldn’t be penalised. H told me last night I should put whatever boundaries in place I need. Well here we are! 

I will tell H this needs to be done for my emotional well-being. It is extremely painful & upsetting for me to come into our bedroom and be ignored by my husband. It is better I don’t see him and that my bedroom is a calm peaceful place I can relax in and sleep in peace. It is better I don’t hear him talk to LO/Alienator as I find this extremely upsetting. He is the one breaking his vows, he can suffer the consequences.

It’s better we live separate lives. If H instead decides to leave the home then that’s fine. I need to let go of the rope and let him go. The man that is living here is not my husband. My husband was loving, kind, giving, happy, hard working and so funny. I laughed & laughed at his jokes. I miss those jokes. I miss my husband. I may never see him again. This feels like grieving a death. I’ve done a lot of grieving deaths in the last 7 years. I am sad for me. I am sad for H that this happened to him. I hope he makes it through to Acceptance & beyond. And I hope the LO/Alienator falls off the face of the earth.

Today H went in to the office. H doesn’t have to do this, he can work from home. I told him last night I highly suspect he does this so he can talk to LO/Alienator all day long without wifey overhearing. H denied this. H went to the office the last two Wednesdays as well. The first Wednesday the Monster/Alien was occupying H’s body as he was getting ready to leave that morning.

The Monster/Aliens acts different to H. The sudden moves, how he tests me, the grimaced face, black eyes. The Monster/Alien likes LO. My guess is it’s the Monster/Alien that is behind these Wednesdays at the office. I am grateful for all those who came before that have posted their experiences with their MLC’er, their experiences with the Monster/Alien. I am grateful I know the science behind Limerence. The chemicals more addictive than heroin. I hope Limerence never happens to me. My H is a mess. He’s unhappy. He’s aged 20 years in 7 years.

I have made a decision to not phone or message H unless he contacts me 1st or it is absolutely necessary. I will not tell him I love him until he sincerely utters those words to me. If he never says them to me again then he will have already heard his last I love you from me, from probably from anyone for the rest of his life. (Two weeks ago, on that Wednesday morning when Monster/Alien H was leaving to go to work I was on edge because of how H was acting. I felt sad and wanted connection. I asked H for a kiss goodbye, which H did, a quick kiss like a parent gives a child.

 Right there, in front of me was the Monster/Aliens black eyes. Seeing his black eyes inches from my face I was shocked. I knee-jerk said “I love you, Have a good day!” as H walked to the stairs. At the top of the stairs Monster/Alien stopped, looked at me and said sarcastically said “Bye” before turning to walk down the stairs. That may be the last time anyone ever tells H they love him. LO/Alienator never will and H will never have another relationship. (H is on the spectrum, relationships are not easy for him. I was his 1st relationship for 20 years when we met.) That will not be the case for me. If H and I end I will find love again. I deserve to be loved.

I will not seek H out. I will not tell H my plans. At this point we are not spouses, we are roommates. I will not speak to him first. If he speaks to me I will respond politely and with kindness. I will LD when I can, when appropriate. I will prioritise myself. Live my life. I will work on detaching.

H sent me a text as he was leaving work: “ Leaving work now. Are you home for tea?” (that’s Brit for dinner) I replied “Yes” H said: “Ok. Shall I get fish and chips or cook something?” I replied: “ Fish & Chips sounds lovely. H: “ok” Me: “Thank you for thinking of me & taking care of dinner.” Then I was driving, missed a text from our daughter saying she had made Fajitas. I called H to tell him, he didn’t pick up so I sent H a text: “Sorry must be driving. I just got home. S & D made fajitas. So if you haven’t got fish & chips already we have food for tonight.”  He called angry 10 minutes later “You called?” 😡 I told him our daughter S made fajitas. He grumbled something then I heard H ordering fish & chips. He bought fish & chips anyway. After he arrived H took the fish & chips up to our room, as we do. H sent me a message to say “Food is here” I responded: “Thanks” then didn’t go upstairs. 10 minutes later H comes down to ask if I want my food downstairs?” ”Yes please” He seemed angry again.

But isn’t he often angry lately. I wonder was H trying to connect? Was he feeling guilty because he did speak to LO/Alienator and he knows how I feel, how it upsets me. 🤷🏼‍♀️  (My actual H would care. He was a good man.) Is that why H got the fish & chips, took them to our room? I’ll never know. I’m just pondering. Based on the recent past, 3 months, H would have hunkered over his food, not speaking to me. I miss meals with my H, laughs & conversations.

My internal responses are: WHY? Why are you offering to cook or get food for me? Did you feel guilty because you went to work to speak to LO/Alienator freely? It does me no good to imagine, or care. He does this often, sends texts asking if I want dinner. I also ask him. Each night we eat dinner together. One of us cooks. I think this needs to stop. We are roommates, not a WE. Our dinners are artificial. When I came home from America in April and asked we eat dinner together every night I was trying to connect, create routine. (This was days before figuring out he is MLC & Limerence)  Sometimes he seems to enjoy our dinners. Sometimes not. Sometimes I get the Monster/Alien. Once I got H, he even cracked a joke. I almost cried. I also suspect H’s messages asking if I’m home for tea are Anchor Checks. Yesterday I was upset. I went out. H sent a text asking me if I was home for tea, I never responded, didn’t even open the text for several hours. H stays up when I’m out, and definitely when I’m out and upset, when I’m pulling away. He frequently wants to know who I was with. In the past I’ve responded, to maintain the connection. But what good that has done? He just sees I’m not going anywhere so he can continue is Limerence “relationship” with LO/Alienator.  I’m not going to respond to questions about what I’m doing going forward. I asked H to stop all contact with LO/Alienator and he said No, disregarding my feelings. That No goes both ways. (This is the right thing to do right?)

Last night my H also spoke to his sister. She would have called him. H never calls her. They have a distanced relationship. She’s a busy body, in everyone’s business. In April, after figuring out H is MLC, I was going to see her, tell her, get her help. I made arrangements to go see her. She was critical of me on the phone. My H had gone to see her in January, when he was looking at apartments to move to the seaside, which we are in no way ready to do now so why look?

While he was there he filled her brain with his MLC nonsense. How I’m not supportive, how I don’t work on the house to get it ready to sell. Logic would say that as I was in California from July 2020 to November 2021 settling my parents estate how exactly was I supposed to do work on our house? Split myself in two?

Prior to Dad passing we had Covid for 6 months. Prior to that I was working on the house. Logic would also ask WHY H is not capable of working on the house? My H, the man before MLC, so 7+ years ago, would have worked on the house during my absence in California. Hell my actual H would have taken some time off work to come help me! But this current Monster/Alien that occupies my H body? No. When I next spoke to my sister in law she gave me the litany of grievances my H had told her when he visited her AND the condition of the house when she showed up last August to see my H for his birthday.

I had been in California since February yet my sister in law clearly blamed me for the state of the house in August! Like her brother is physically not capable of taking care of his environment. When I left to go to California in Feb the house was clean, tidy. How am I responsible for what happens, how others act, when I’m 10,000 miles away! Seriously! 😩 It became clear SIL would never see the truth no matter how I presented it so I cancelled seeing her. You’d think she could question why her brother, my H, isn’t capable of taking care of his environment? H tells me his sister called to discuss H, SIL and their brother going to Ireland for their Aunts birthday. I’m told it’s just them three because the Aunt is very ill.

I suppose this could be true. Or maybe H just doesn’t want to go anywhere with me. 😟 But that’s par for the course with MLC. It’s just their whack job disordered thinking. So to hear that my sister in law has called H it is no doubt that he’s again filling her head with his untrue negative narrative about me. She thinks her brother is terribly unhappy with me and that it’s my fault. He has a litany of reasons, as all MLC do about their spouses. Not much I can do about that except do work on the house, move forward. Which here in the UK is difficult as finding good tradesmen is very difficult. In his MLC Monstering last night H said WE haven’t done anything in the house! I said WE? H then said “Ok You”.

I said to H because you haven’t done anything. I, however, have, and gave a list. Since returning from America not long before Christmas I’ve done many needed things in the house. I know I’m not supposed to argue with H. That just reinforces his negative false narrative about me. I will seek to not do this again. I will strive to prove his narrative wrong. But damn, it’s hard not to react when what is being said is so very wrong.

It’s hard because of how hard I worked in America to deal with my parents estate. My parents were lifelong collectors of MANY MANY things. Their house was packed! When I arrived at Dads, after he passed away suddenly, I was shocked at what I stepped into. Trash, things, memorabilia, photos, records/documents. My parents threw nothing away! And many large collections. These collections were not stuff you throw away. It was stuff you research, find experts, and auction. Very time consuming hard work.

Mom has passed 5 years earlier. Dad had come to visit us in the UK but I’d not visited him. On the phone Dad sounded fine. He was not. When I discussed the situation with the Trust attorney he said this is what grief looks like when men loose their beloved wives. I was sad Dad had lived like that, and angry at myself that I’d not known. The trust attorney said Dad didn’t want me to know. In any case I took on the job of dealing with every aspect of the estate, including clearing an extreme hoarder house and dealing with a 2nd property that was also in bad condition.

Talking to my sister in law I heard her judgement in her tone, her words as to why I had been away in America so long? Why had I left her (adult able) brother alone? Yet she never asked why her brother never flew out to America to help me? Next month will be two years since Dad passed. I plan on putting a post on FB with photos of the house as I found it and as I sold a year later. Night & Day. It is hard to comprehend how bad my parents house was. My sister in law needs a wake up call. She needs to see the photos, read of my experience and back the F off! She needs to question why my H left me to do it all alone? I made miracles happen. All on my own.

Dads next door neighbour, a retired gentleman that was friends to Dad, has told me many times how incredible it is that I did all that by myself. Said he didn’t know another person that could have done it. He said I made my Mom & Dad proud. I am proud of what I accomplished. I know what a Bad A$$ woman I am. Hard working. Tenacious. I did it all for my family. I turned a pile of garbage into gold.

At the end of the long conversation I said it was late, we both need to get some sleep. H accepted this. I expected he would hug the edge of the bed but instead he laid right next to me, facing me. Not touching me. But inches away. He stayed there all night.

I feel immensely sad writing all this. Sad this is my life but hopeful it will turn around. H is still here. Sometimes he reaches out to me. He has made it to Withdrawal, with the occasional toe dipping into Acceptance. I have support. I have vision for myself. Even though my H is 7 years MLC I am a newbie to it all. I hope someday H will know my love for him led me to seek knowledge, support and make changes to better my life and our life. I hope we make it through this. I hope I get to see my H again.

❤️

[I_Am_The_Prize]

This morning H said good morning to me. At first I couldn’t quite understand him, bit mumbled, so I pleasantly said I’m sorry, what did you say? He then said “Good morning”. I replied Good Morning. I’ve been putting forth effort to have a lift in my voice, sound positive. And to smile, even when just sitting looking at my phone. A bit later I was in the en suite loo when I heard him on the work headset with LO/Alienator. He was trying to control his tone with her. He kept to the business of the job. (I know this may change tomorrow. Likely will. Cycling. 🤷🏼‍♀️)  When I came out of the loo he was off the phone. I set about doing my morning routine, writing in my gratitude journal, taking my vitamins, medication. We spoke about his morning Tryptophan. He wanted to know if he’s taking the right number. Handed me the bottle. He wanted me to know he’s taking it. That’s good. I have no expectations but am grateful for all positive effort H does. ❤️

Yesterday I did work on the house. Maybe he noticed. I want him to know I hear him and am taking action.

[in it]

Good, get him into that bedroom then you can have some peace full sleep.

[Tsun]

Totally unrelated, but how interesting that 'tea' means 'dinner.' Where does that come from?

I love fish and chips!!

Sounds like your change in approach is having some effect!

[in it]

Please don't read anything into what he does or says.
Living with these people can cause major stress.It may be helpful if you read about detachment.
Focus on you and safeguard any money you can.
They lie a lot to keep you off balance and confused. It's not a good place to spend long term.
 
Get sleep, eat properly, baths, focus on relaxation and don't concern yourself with him, He's an adult, he can take care of himself.
Stay motivated

[Treasur]

Please don't read anything into what he does or says.
Living with these people can cause major stress.It may be helpful if you read about detachment.
Focus on you and safeguard any money you can.
They lie a lot to keep you off balance and confused. It's not a good place to spend long term.
 
Get sleep, eat properly, baths, focus on relaxation and don't concern yourself with him, He's an adult, he can take care of himself.
Stay motivated

I agree with init on this. I also recognise that it is hard to change our own lens with regard to them after decades. Moving him out of your bedroom and starting to adjust some of the day to day ways in which you both live in the house sounds wise in the circumstances. You can’t control whether he takes his pills, drinks his OJ or how/if he talks to ow....I suspect, while hard to do, it may come as a relief to lay down some of these burdens bc it must have been a rather exhausting way to live for quite so long.

Fwiw, if you are currently committed to Standing, I suspect that finding a sustainable way to do so that limits the effects on you is probably one of the things that enables folks to do it long-term. Standing further away if that makes sense.

I am however a bit concerned about the impact on your joint financial assets. Have you taken any advice on how you might protect yourself from this?

Yesterday I did work on the house. Maybe he noticed. I want him to know I hear him and am taking action.

Oh dear, I think you are in danger of buying MLC BS here, my friend. Your explanation of these issues while you were dealing with your own bereavement and in another country dealing with your parents estate sounded so sensible and reasonable and normal. Work on the house is not the issue, it was never the issue and even if it were a point of contention, your h’s choice to invest energy, attention and money on ow and her family is so much more detrimental. Like comparing a sprained wrist to an amputated leg  This kind of BS is sadly all too common, this kind of blameshifting and gaslighting. Please don’t buy it. Do work on the house if it pleases you or if it fits your own priorities.....aiming for detachment means paying much less attention to what he says vs what he does and seeing that his noticing how hard you are trying at x or y is not the real issue. And that the BS will continue whatever you do while he is committed to blaming anyone else for his unhappiness as opposed to holding himself responsible for his own actions.

Other LBS here have had similarly unreasonable and inverted ‘reasons du jour’....being too fat or thin, too successful or not successful enough, using bagged salad or walking too heavily.  it’s important to remind ourselves of what is normal and what healthy reciprocity looks like despite the BS. I could easily make a case that your h was, instead of supporting you after your bereavement or helping you deal with all those overwhelming things, investing his energy and time in focusing on ow and his own magic happy.....and that if anyone should be trying to earn brownie points now, it should be the other way round. It’s a common experience for many of us LBS that they go AWOL when life gets hard, I know, but just bc it is common does not make it reasonable, honest or normal for normal healthy people. Jmo.

[I_Am_The_Prize]

Last night I went to see Alanis Morrisette with my adult daughter. We‘ve has tickets to this concert for 2 1/2 years. It’s been postponed twice due to Covid. The concert was an anniversary celebration for her album Jagged Little Pill, which celebrated its 25th anniversary a couple years back, when the concerts were initially supposed to happen. It was amazing! Alanis was great. She’s so good! But what else was amazing was the crowd. Everyone singing along to every song. Dancing. Such a celebration of joy. My heart & soul needed this. ❤️

My H was better yesterday, supportive, interested, more himself. (I do not mean this as he was himself. He’s still MLC. He’s cycling.) He was still awake when we got in at 1am. Waiting for me. He does this when I’m out. He was interested in my day, wanting to know how the concert was. I recognise tones of voice when H is leaning in vs leaning out. I’ll only respond, give him any attention when he is leaning in. Yesterday, last night, he was leaning in. As soon as I woke today I could tell his energy has shifted, he was leaning out. I did not get a good morning so neither did he. I went about getting ready for my day and left the room. I saw he was on the messenger feature on his work laptop. As I left the room he was smiling at his laptop. Back in fantasy land with a woman 5,000 miles away. 🙄 There is no love talk, nothing sexual, just banter. And, as I saw, it doesn’t even take seeing her or hearing her voice to get that Limerence response from him. Just contacting her by messenger will do it. If he only realised how stupid he looks. I’ve plans for myself today. Moving forward.

I have spoken to an attorney regarding the bank situation. We can request the court to give me a 1 year and possibly 3 years of bank statements. However, IF I do that it would very likely push H to start legal proceedings, divorce. He’s currently in Withdrawal, occasionally dipping into Acceptance. He’s been MLC 7 years. Isn’t he nearing the end? We don’t know how long left, 3 mos, 6mos, a year, 2 years? No one knows as it’s different for each person, right? So do I want to push the financial now? I have one possible chance. H received a large tax bill a couple weeks back. H knows I want to be added to our bank account. Previously, while in monster, H said to me about how I am his partner and should help him. If H asks me to help him with the taxes I will tell him partnership goes both way. He needs to show that I am his partner by adding me to the bank account.

I have my own bank accounts. My own credit. This has been important to me as my husband from my 1st marriage left me in a bad position, leaving all the debt to me that I had to claw out of. Which I did. I paid off and I built my own credit. So when I married my 2nd husband & moved to the UK it was important that I maintain my own finances, my own credit. My credit is actually better than my H. This is an argument my H has used. That he’s not asked to be on my accounts. Ahhh, but I’ve not been giving gifts, travel and suspected money to a woman & her extended family in India! If he wants to look, no problem. I’ve nothing to hide. Does he? Basically one way or another I’ll get access to the statements, either by court or because H puts me on the account.

The working on the house is to combat the narrative he has that I am not doing that. Other forums say that’s the thing to do if you are standing. To quietly prove their narrative wrong. Is that not a thing here? Listening to Kenda-Ruth’s podcasts I thought it was. It is crazy difficult to detach when living with your MLC’er. It’s a steep learning curve. When H is leaning out, is clearly in selfish MLC mode, focused on himself & OW, and yet I am OK, that’s a good day for me. Because I know what H does is not about me. Neither his MLC or Limerence have anything to do with me. I will carry on with my day, however I wish. I know the person occupying H body today is the Monster/Alien. He can just carry on however he wishes, I’ll give him none of my time.

I understand your point about MLC blame shifting, gaslighting. It is a very good point. H did not come to California to help me. He did not work on our house either. Instead he focused on OW & her con artist family but takes no accountability for this. However, I can’t say this to him, can I? it is not recommended to confront the MLC’er as it does no good, changes nothing, just creates conflict. H focusing on the house, on us selling the house, as he believes it is this house that is the cause of his unhappiness, says moving will make him happy. MLC tells him, tells them all that their spouse, their family is what is making them unhappy. We all know that is not true. The issues are within him. (He also wants to move without me, sell our house to our daughter & her husband, buy an apartment by the seaside, and move without me, having me stay here with my daughter while my H sorts out his head. THEN I come join him. Yeah, that’s not happening. I’ve told H moving from the house, moving from me, no matter where he goes he takes himself & his issues, his MLC with him. I told H he can go if he wishes, rent an apartment, see how that works, but I’m staying here in the home WE now own, in my home. I’ve been through enough already.

I am taking Kenda-Ruth’s Detach & Thrive course now. I’m behind but she assures me that you can do it at your own pace and can come back to redo lessons at any time. There is no doubt that detaching is more difficult when the MLC’er lives at home. Does anyone here also have their MLC’er at home? How are you doing? What tips have helped you?

I have no idea where dinner being called “tea” comes from. I found it super confusing & weird when I first moved here as Brits also drink a lot of tea. So when they said “What did you have for tea?” - a very common way people say Hi here. (I kid you not!) I thought, well, there was tea. And some milk. And a teaspoon of sugar. 😳 Seriously. lol! My H told me they meant dinner. Oh ok! That makes sense. Whew! He then said Brits call lunch dinner! 🤣

Thank you all for your continued replies. I really need them, so keep ‘em coming!

[Treasur]

Imho it isn’t about what you say to him, it’s about what you let your brain say to you.....

[Biscuit]

Totally unrelated, but how interesting that 'tea' means 'dinner.' Where does that come from?

I love fish and chips!!

Sounds like your change in approach is having some effect!

“High” tea is actually dinner but has also come to mean a lavish afternoon tea. In the past, high tea was an alternative to afternoon tea. It combined snacks and a hearty meal and was usually served at about 6pm.

This eventually evolved into the lower/middle classes calling their midday meal “dinner” and their evening meal “tea”, while the upper classes called their midday meal “lunch” and referred to the evening meal as “dinner”.

These days, class boundaries are increasingly blurred so anybody may use either term depending on how they’ve been brought up or where they live. However, both tea and dinner essentially mean the same thing to most Brits: an evening meal.

There's also supper to confuse you even more!

It's a British thing

[Tsun]

Well, new life new rules, I shall now start referring to my dinner time as tea time. Biscuit, thank you for explaining this to me.

Iamtheprize, I went through a similar crisis with my H three years ago and he remained in the home. It was very stressful and I felt great relief whenever he was traveling for work. As such, I wonder, could you take a little trip? Stay elsewhere for a bit? At that time, I had some of my biggest insights and best moments of detachment, when I was by myself. Ultimately though, it was MC and the home exercises that helped us the most (we stopped MC due to Covid).

I also wonder whether you should set some boundaries with regards to his OL, for your sake. What he is doing is very disrespectful. Does he have to interact with her for work?