Most days I no longer give Xh much thought. It is something I probably never thought possible way back when life just blew up.

I have often said it was best for me to treat Xh like he died. In my situation it was the healthiest thing for me to do, in all honesty. He had become capable of being a monster and lashed out in ways I never thought possible. He was spending money and didn't care what happened to the kids and I. Had I held on, I am convinced now that the kids and I would have had to move in with my parents because I would have lost the house and more. It is a sobering thought.

During the very stages of when Xh began his departure (it took him months to actually move out entirely, as he was renovating his new place) we didn't have a separation in place. I kept thinking he would change his mind, as I feverishly worked on myself, thinking I had some ability to change the trajectory. It was not worthless, I learned a great deal about myself along the way.

One of the things that started before Xh moving out - perhaps a handful of years prior, Xh adopted a bit of a shocking pattern. It took me awhile to pick up on it being a pattern and looking back, it always correlated with something in his life he didn't want to deal with or couldn't control. He would go on massive cleaning sprees and would get rid of things. The hauling out of things didn't always bother me, but often he would get so out of control with this process, he would put things out by the road to give away that made no sense. Things that months later he would come to me and ask where for instance the table saw was. I would remind him he gave it away and he would look at me like I had just answered him in a foreign language he didn't understand. He truly didn't quite seem to grasp he had gotten rid of this or that.

At one point in time as he was starting to move things to his cottage, he took 2 pieces of artwork. There was no logical reason for him to select those two pieces in terms of importance, so that was a bit odd. He left some pieces that had once meant something to him. The 2 pieces he took actually belonged to my F. There was no formal paperwork with these loans of artwork - why would there be? I often had borrowed work from my F's collection and returned it. With no agreement in place there was little I could do. One piece was a sculpture of my F's and the other was a real head scratcher. It had hung in the wine cellar for a very long time. It was a gift given to my F from a dear friend of his who was an artist as well. Xh took that with him when he left.

I initially had confronted Xh about these two items, expressing that those pieces were not mine nor his. The short version of that part of the story was Xh promised me he would make sure the kids got the items if he ever got rid of them. My F was fine with that and when the sculpture came back some time ago, we didn't really think too much about it.

The piece that remained has some significant value. That was never the point for me. It was that it was my F's and sentimental. The last I knew it was still hanging up somewhere in Xh's cottage. I hadn't really thought about it in a very long time. I always knew it was possible Xh could sell it, but I had put that out of my head.

Yesterday, I made a stop at a thrift store on my way home. I can't even begin to recall the last time I was there. I had decided to just pop in and take a quick look around, as I was seeing what they had that we could possibly use for D's apartment. This place is also somewhere that gets artwork in.

I made my way around and noted some ideas and decided to check out the artwork as I had found several pieces from an artist I know well. My guess was someone passed away and what was there was from an estate. As I made my way down the wall of artwork, I stopped in my tracks and saw the piece that had hung on the wine cellar wall. I pulled it off the wall and saw my F's handwriting on the back, noting the date he received it and who the artist was. I could feel anger bubbling up. I left without the piece, torn with what to do.

This particular store is somewhere my F comes to buy used books regularly to read. He likes buying several at a time and it means there is no date he has to worry about returning them to a library. When he is done, he donates them back to the organization. This particular organization uses any proceeds from their sale to go right back into the community and it is run by volunteers.

My fear was my F finding this piece that was his hanging on the wall, full well knowing that Xh donated it. He didn't return it to my F or to my kids as promised. I knew my F would be very hurt and upset. I drove home wresting with how to handle it. I have always like the piece, but the price on it was not exactly what I was wanting to spend at the moment and I was just annoyed and angry. I decided to leave it behind and sleep on it.

I had a couple of people who told me I should call and ream Xh out. I thought about that scenario. Hmmm. I would get it off my chest, but what would it really solve or accomplish? Xh might create waves with S or D it. That was not a scenario I need, since my focus is getting D to grad school, not having a row with Xh. I thought about telling my F. He would be hurt and angry. I thought about leaving it hanging there and hoping my F would not see it. One person suggested I should tell the shop owners. I laughed thinking sure - I didn't file a police report. There is no paperwork trail. Why would I bother volunteers with this - who had nothing to do with it and how would I prove it anyways?

I went to work this morning and had let go of it, until I left work. I found myself going back to this shop and with no hesitation I took it off the wall and paid for it. The volunteers asked me about the piece, as they were intrigued by the artwork. I recognized the one cashier as someone my F knew. I laughed and said there was a bit of an odd story behind it. I gave them the quick story and the one gentleman who knew my F said he is glad I rescued it because it would be hurt my F to see it just donated. The other cashier informed me I was a good D for worrying about my F's feelings. They were a bit surprised I was willing to pay the price that was on there. I told them that frankly, I was okay paying what they had on the tag because I know it is going to a very good cause and it was worth way more than what they had on the tag - just from the emotional standpoint.

The thing is, the minute I made the purchase, I felt an immediate sense of something else. It was closure for me. Both pieces that had been taken are now back in my possession. It has nothing to do with the material aspect for me. It was more about those particular pieces and the sentimental meanings to my F. They were taken before the divorce and now it feels like that closed the loop for me in a strange sense. Maybe a bit of taking back what is my life and such.

When I mentioned it to one of my friends this morning, they asked what anniversary was coming up that set Xh off. I hadn't even thought about the crazy behaviors that would go on and the mass cleaning out scenarios that often corresponded with those anniversaries. Hmmm - BIL having a tumor was a new one, but the anniversary of FIL dying is coming up as is BIL 5's death. The biggie though is this week and that would be both his best friend and MIL. It would make sense, but it is not for me to worry about, as sad as it may be for Xh.

I took an extra side trip on my way home. I brought the piece to the frame shop and decided to have it reframed. It has some damage to the frame, but it was more me deciding that with the rescue, I was going to give it a new life.

I will show my F the piece is back, but I will not be telling him how it came back in my possession. He doesn't need to know that part.

As for Xh - I don't need to know what is going on in his life nor do I want to at this point. I can say he is unhappy and spiraling, but that is a guess. I don't really know. He might just be cleaning out and happy in his new life. My anger and aggravation yesterday had nothing to do with that part of it all. I wasn't mad about Xh's MLC behaviors or any of that. It was odd that the only thought I had today after all was said and done was perhaps this is part of me being able to put another big chunk of the MLC truly behind me.

Once the dust settles that is exactly what helped me. Look what they put us through and we don’t behave this way. The problem is that we are so anxious to change their direction that all their behavior just verifies to us that they have lost their mind.  I think for me it wasn’t that I couldn’t accept something was terribly wrong, but wanting to save him from Himself and from destroying our family with more mistakes that could not be reversed.

Bottom line is that you cant. You cant save them. They have to save themselves and we have to let them go and make all the mistakes  they are making and will make. We have to let them destroy the foundation of  our families and destroy themselves. That’s the most important acceptance for me at least. You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted.

I still have trouble accepting there is something wrong with my wife. I was in denial for months and months before I realized it probably was her and not me. When someone has been a certain way for 28 years it's very hard to change your view of who and what they are.

So days go by, hard days, tiring days, hopeless days, life is different every day. I am still struggling with my anxiety, i am still completely lost in what to do with my life.
H is a depressive mess, he hates our "relationship talks", cause it's getting worse every time, he is so sure about his decisions, but at the same time he sleeps very bed, because he has anxious dreams, it doesn't seem like he is very happy with his life or the state of EA, it just continues to drag him through the misery of uncertainty and our ruined marriage.
He has cycling moods, but they seem to be more and more in the depressive range. To understand that it's only the start of his journey is actually pretty awful.
Yes, sure, if his EA will turn into PA it will make him happy, but... well, i guess will live and see.
I don't like being around him much in this state, he is like a dark cloud hanging over, reminding me silently that i should free him from my presence. And i am just a little child desperately looking for live in his cold eyes, not understanding still how did it happened that from the wormest, most protective creature in the world he turned into somebody who looks at me like that. I miss him...old him, so much. For a second sometimes i forget that old him is no more and i hug him... or tell a joke, or just smile looking in his eyes and i see no response.
So i try to keep myself busy and away from him. But it hurts... it just hurts. Every day a little bit less, cause every day i am getting more and more used to this version and forget more and more how it was... how it could have been.
There is nothing positive in this jorney, it's a pure misery that i need to survive and i hope that everyone else in the world will not have to experience  this awfulness. I wouldn't wish it to the worst enemy, which i don't have.

Quote from: MadLuv on April 25, 2024, 08:33:38 AM

You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted.

I just wanted to quote and emphasize this, I could not agree more. It is true in life just as much as it is in dealing with our MLCers.

Something I used to think about also is the reality of what the dynamic in our relationship would have been like if I were even able to “save” him. Contemplating that was actually an important step in my acceptance and moving forward, that understanding that a healthy partnership could never be achieved by me rescuing him from whatever inner turmoil I thought he was experiencing.
It’s not a dynamic I would accept in any relationship, having one person who “saved” the other. It sounds almost Disneyfied in a certain sense, and it’s the opposite of the kind of intentional connection I want and came to understand through this experience that I absolutely deserve. And since I cannot ask something of a partner that I could not give in return, the only thing I could do was move forward and do the work I needed to do on myself, for myself.

The best we can do as those farther along the path is to present a good example of what's on the other side, once people are ready. And they will be.

True, but I think there is also something to be said for those of us who’ve been there pointing out some of the ugly truth, even when it’s painful. R2T, I will never forget when you were my mentor (back when newbies were assigned mentors) and you said something to me the very day I found out about the OW that literally changed my mindset instantaneously. And I don’t think that you had the intention of doing that when you said it, but I needed to hear it. You said, and I quote, “he has recoupled.”

As simple as that. Three simple words that told me that my husband was in a new relationship. It was not a fantasy (unreal), he was not battling his way through a foggy tunnel, he was not playing out a movie role. My very real husband and his very real new girlfriend were in a very real relationship. Reality. It really did bite. Hard.

I wasn’t ready to hear it, but by the time I was ready to hear it, I wouldn’t have needed to hear it as badly. So I am very glad that those who came before me were there to help me see and accept reality.

Once the dust settles that is exactly what helped me. Look what they put us through and we don’t behave this way. The problem is that we are so anxious to change their direction that all their behavior just verifies to us that they have lost their mind.  I think for me it wasn’t that I couldn’t accept something was terribly wrong, but wanting to save him from Himself and from destroying our family with more mistakes that could not be reversed.

Bottom line is that you cant. You cant save them. They have to save themselves and we have to let them go and make all the mistakes  they are making and will make. We have to let them destroy the foundation of  our families and destroy themselves. That’s the most important acceptance for me at least. You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted.