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21
Our Community / Re: VANISHER 2
« Latest by Thunder on December 04, 2021, 06:59:38 AM »
I put it back on the board.
22
Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 22
« Latest by Thunder on December 04, 2021, 06:58:39 AM »
Bump
23
Our Community / VANISHER 2
« Latest by Nas on December 04, 2021, 05:09:04 AM »
24
Our Community / VANISHER 2
« Latest by Nas on December 04, 2021, 12:15:04 AM »
I think the more recent thread had a different title, something like “does anyone else have a vanisher?”
25
Our Community / Re: VANISHER 2
« Latest by Thunder on December 03, 2021, 10:06:41 PM »
Hi nah,

I can only find these two threads but I have asked OP if maybe I am missing one.

Vanisher 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0

Vanisher 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0

26
Our Community / You Can't Touch This
« Latest by Dumbfounded on December 03, 2021, 09:05:24 PM »
KIT I can’t even express to you how much your post meant to me. I have been sitting around for two days trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I can’t just get over it. Why does every social media sighting send me into this spiral?  Finally,  I read your post and you say it never gets easier… well, ok then. Here I am beating myself up because I can’t make this get easier. Maybe it is not supposed to … maybe I can just surrender to the fact that sightings of SPQ will always and forever trigger me with an unbearable wave of betrayal and anger and sadness and loss. And that is ok because that is how normal people feel.
27
Our Community / Been more than 2 years with a clinger
« Latest by barbiedoll on December 03, 2021, 07:25:21 PM »
I am reading along Dragonfly and sorry to hear that the struggle continues. I does not surprise me at all unfortunately , it takes a very very long time to rebuild all the losses. Some say it can take up to 5 years to "heal" or find solid ground again. I remember listening to Paul Young ( he wrote the book The Shack) who went thru some crisis of his own and had an affair with his wife's friend. He talked about 11 years before he felt forgiven or that they had survived what he had done.  I have gone up to 6 months of relative peace and then explode into the most shocking rages ..I cannot even explain. Then I think I am NO WHERE near ok and I start all over again. I am shocked for days that I became so upset and enraged.

I remember in the early days I was at work and was talking to him on the phone. He put me on "hold".  This is an unemployed husband ...so just exactly who could be calling him that he dare put ME on hold.  I just lost my mind , left work and drove to a relatives home where he was doing some handiman stuff and screamed like a lunatic about being put on hold.  I remember saying that unless God himself is calling, I will never be put on hold, I will NEVER be second to anything or anyone , ever ever ever. Do not EVER firetrucking put me on hold again.  It was stagerring how angry that made me . If he chatted with the neighbour , I was angry. If he was on facebook , I was angry . If he did anything for anyone else..I was angry.  I worked my brain into believing that I was never the priority , that he always had something or someone more important than me . That is the residue of sexual betrayal...it is the pain of him choosing someone else and making her more important than me. It is a trauma response as childish as it seemed to be.  I know I looked in the mirror in deep pain and anger and asked myself...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???.  It took a very very long time and lots of therapy and an understanding of attachment disorders or injuries for this hair-trigger response to finally leave me. I finally had peace and that reaction was gone.  And then it all came back after a year of feeling stable and less reactive. I do not know why it has re-visited me and once again I am working on it. I find that if I push myself out of my " emotional brain" and try to think from my "logic" brain...I have more success at de-escalating myself or self- soothing.  This is not necessarily a new reaction to me ...I often felt this way as a child .  Lots of "protest " behaviour in attempts to connect and feel important or seen by my mother . Its an old wound that has years of pain wrapped around it. Not all this anger belongs to my H. I see that.  I feel the same is very true for you Dragonfly ...it is incredibly painful.  You want your H to make you his absolute , all encompassing , 100 % priority ...so anytime his sport , work, health issues seems to be more important than you , it triggers the deepest pain and anger a person can experience.  Attachment trauma after an affair is ignited over and over and over again.  I know .

It is about closely examining your own inner workings and inventory and trying to untangle your own reactions and dealing with those only. Finding ways to figure out why the reactions are so incapacitating and how to self soothe or calm yourself ...separate from him. He is NOT the solution and he is not ALL of the problem either.  I always feel better and in a stronger place when I focus only on my healing and detach from him . There is much power when you only have to work on yourself and not the other person. ..that you cannot control anyway.

You DO have choices. I have choices ...and lots of them. I do not have to decide anything today but I need to be aware that the world is full of choices open to me. We are not victims , we can make whatever choices and decisions at anytime. Treasur made a great list !.  There is much fear , I do understand that as well. PTSD is all about fear is it not ?.  We are afraid of more pain . Work on just YOU with your therapist , find a thousand selfcare things to do, read about attachment disorders and then read a trashy romance in a hot bath . Enjoy your little dog and get excited about getting to know yourself and let your H blow in the wind while you sort out yourself.  I am trying to do the same . Hugs .
28
Our Community / Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
« Latest by MourningDove on December 03, 2021, 06:47:44 PM »
UrsaMajor - LOL. Exactly.  ;)

I made two people cry today.  :o

The first event was at the gallery when I received a call from someone requesting a specific gift they wanted to purchase. I realized who the caller was and mentioned that her M had painted a beautiful painting not long ago and it to me has an energy that is very difficult to explain. The woman who painted it had lost her H nearly 3 years ago and has struggled through the grieving. It had been a huge shock and for the longest time it showed in her paintings - the sadness. But, this particular painting, I had watched her work on it for weeks, yet hadn't seen the finished product until several weeks ago. It is an amazingly beautiful piece and it is interesting how from then on, all of her work just seems to have a new life to it. I sent the image of the painting to this young woman and she mentioned how much it meant to her, and her M has mentioned me to her. I relayed that her M and I have shed many tears over the years and we have helped nudge each other along some rough patches.

I hadn't meant for the conversation to be packed with emotions. But, in the moment I felt the need to share this with the D. And, maybe it is because I know her D has been worried about her M. She lives far away from her M and her F and M were so incredibly close. Her M has been very "alone" and just existing up until recently.

The day went on and I came home to take care of the puppy and D had asked if I could drop her off at her BF's house. She didn't want to leave her car at his house because his B would be there this weekend and that means the car situation becomes a bit tricky. D had a huge project to finish up and opted out of the birthday dinner celebration with her BF's family and going with me to the local festival.

S was still driving when I spoke to him. Big surprise - S drove the entire distance while Xh slept most of the 12 hour drive.

Normally, we go as a family to a local festival every year for a tree lighting event. We have gone nearly every year since the kids were in grade school. There were some years that were really tough for the kids and I because of the MLCer and life being such a mess, but the kids would always beg to go. The only year in recent history when we haven't gone was when Covid brought everything to a grinding halt.

I came home from work and thought I would just forget going to the event. S is out of town and D is bogged down with homework, and I was feeling very tired. Yet, I realized part of my problem was that I was trying to find reasons not to go. I decided to force myself to go by myself and try to embrace the evening. I was ready to grab my good camera, but then had forgotten to charge the battery earlier and my phone doesn't hold a charge in cold weather. My thoughts of just going to shoot photos was out the door, so again, I nearly talked myself out of it. D's BF's family lives in this village, so I had to take D anyways and the festival was only a few blocks away. By the time I reached the outskirts of the village, I decided I had to do this for myself. I needed to tackle it on my own.

I parked in my, well what would be our usual spot and embraced the mild weather. The whole street was lit up with lights and various decorations. The local high school chorus was having their annual caroling event. I could hear the bells on the horse drawn carriage. It would have been perfect, had it been snowing lightly. As I walked past the small park, I could see Santa talking to a little girl, who had been waiting in line to see him. The festival is really one of my favorite events for this time of year. It is so incredibly simple. The Main Street is closed off for the night, and the local businesses supply free coffee and cocoa, and food. Local vendors sell things for the holidays. The small farm that produces maple syrup was there, as was the farmer who raises Alpaca and creates beautiful sweaters and scarves from the yarn from the Alpaca wool.

I picked up my coffee and walked throughout the shops. The bookstore and gift shops along the street. I kept seeing a little girl wearing a crown made from balloons and I told her how spectacular it was. She giggled and twirled around so I could see the whole creation. It was shortly after that when I came upon one of S's friend's mom. She waved and thanked me for putting up with him so often. I told her he has been a wonderful friend to S and he has been a huge help over the years to the kids and I. I know that the relationship between he and his F is strained right now and when she brought it up, I smiled and told her what I honestly believe. I said her S is getting older and it is time for him to move out and once he does, I believe in my heart of hearts that he and his F just need that space from each other. I see the S trying to grow up and the F is still treating him like a kid. She laughed and said that is it in a nutshell. I believe that once they live apart it will be easier for both of them. She used to work with my M and I told her that I have a similar dynamic with my M and it would be impossible for the two of us to live together, but I appreciate my M and love her to pieces. She started crying and thanked me. She said she needed to hear that because right now they are often at odds. I told her I didn't mean to make her cry and she assured me they were tears of joy.

When I started to walk away, I decided to walk towards the park in the center of the village. It was decorated with twinkle lights and people had started to pack up for the night. It had been a nice evening, but I suddenly felt this emptiness. I wasn't missing the kids as such. What I was honestly missing was sharing it with someone. Not the shopping or seeing people. The quiet moment in the park, where even though the snow had melted, the air was still cold enough to freeze the mist from the stream. The mist had coated the ornamental grasses and the soft tufts were glistening in the light. No words would have had to been spoken. It was just a moment that was so incredibly beautiful and meant to be shared. As I stared at the village ahead, I heard the horse drawn carriage coming around the corner. I hadn't seen the horses earlier. They were black Percherons this year. I considered going for a carriage ride, but I could feel my mood changing to melancholy. I didn't want to go alone on this ride, as I had on the hayride during the Halloween party. Yes, there were other people there, as there would be with this one, but it is amazing how you can be surrounded by other people and still feel this strange loneliness.

I am glad I went and I did embrace the beautiful evening, by taking a ride around the village before heading home. It is amazing that this year people seem to be really embracing putting up lights for the holidays.

I have decided over the next few weeks, I am going to push myself to go places, even if it means going alone. I can deal with solitude, but I so want to somehow embrace the holiday season again. It doesn't have to be the way it used to be, and I know it has changed from what had been years ago. But somehow I need to find some new things to embrace - simple moments. It may mean doing it on my own and I have to be okay with that for now. And, I am not about to just ask anyone to go along, to simply fill some empty seat in the car - it would have to be someone who can embrace simple moments. I know plenty of people to fill hours of the day, but it is not what I am really desiring.
29
Our Community / VANISHER 2
« Latest by nah on December 03, 2021, 05:55:15 PM »
Old pilot, there was a different vanisher thread. We were still writing on it about a year ago and it was up to thread 22-25 or something in that range.
30
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by Kind18 on December 03, 2021, 05:43:14 PM »
Quote
Her car, her circus, her monkeys...

Exactly.

Quote
But then I got triggered again. Saturday night is meant to be her night to look after granddaughter.....can't do it this week because she is going out.

Massive replay on her part. She is living the high fun life. But I know it will crash eventually.
I need to keep thinking that and not worry about what she is doing or it will push me further into the abyss she has created for me.
But only if I allow it of course.

That's where I need to keep detaching.

I love this. It shows you are sometimes starting to step outside the trauma and look objectively at things.

I know I’ve been fairly rigid on you Pac, trying to get you to set boundaries. But it’s important to remember too that while you gain awareness of these things, there’s always going to be things that trigger you and make you feel like you’ve slid back.

Don’t expect that in a few weeks you’ll be able to detach and walk away and have some Jedi level of indifference towards her - you won’t.

The measure of progress is that those times when you miss her, feel sh*t, get triggered - they just slowly become a) less frequent and b) of less duration.

You’re doing better in detachment than you were 2 weeks ago. And that was better than where you were four weeks ago. Detachment takes time, and persistence, and you shouldn’t be disappointed in yourself if you’ve had a rough day here and there.

It might feel like you’re crawling along incredibly slowly, and taking two steps back for each one forward, but I guarantee you as someone looking in externally I think you are making a seismic shift at the moment and really progressing well.

Keep on using the board. Keep delaying all responses minimum 24 hours until you’ve gathered your thoughts. Keep ignoring what she has done or what she might think or how she might react. If you get a message about in laws - think only about the in-laws when writing a response. If you get a message about your kids - think only about the kids when writing a response. If you get a message which doesn’t have a question or need you to do something (such as “I’ve heard you had a rough weekend”) - don’t respond.

You’re actually making huge leaps atm. Really proud of you.

And posts with more about Pac, and less about his crazy.

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