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91
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by Trustandlove on December 01, 2021, 04:01:16 AM »
Pacman, I was in this situation; my MIL had dementia, and passed away a number of years ago.  I went to see her in the nursing home on my own (and sometimes with my children, when that was possible); I spoke to my SIL, but never directly with my H about it unless he asked something specific.

When she died I decided that the kids and I (they were still quite young) would go to the funeral service no matter what, as it's a public ceremony, but that if any OW were to be attending the more private burial we wouldn't.  They certainly didn't want to be around an OW either (my H went through many).  In the end no OW came to either service.

This was appropriate for me as I always had a very good relationship with my MIL, and I wanted to be there for her regardless of how her son was behaving.  He left right when she was diagnosed, so she was still aware, and she was furious.  She went downhill quickly, though, so there wasn't much opportunity for her to say what she felt to him. 

I'm sure you will work out what is right for you.  I agree completely with everything treasur says. 
92
Our Community / Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 8
« Latest by UrsaMajor on December 01, 2021, 03:42:11 AM »
MD,

Consider this as a 2x4 in absentia for D -

Being an adult means learning that we do not always come first, that we do not always get our way, that we have to be able to have some flexibility as circumstances around us change. Welcome to real life. Being an adult means that we have to be able to cope with our stresses and deal with them appropriately rather than taking them out on all and sundry and whoever happens to be a convenient target in the vicinity. Being a HEALTHY adult means that we  deal with issues AS THEY ARISE and not in some sort of verbal diarrhea attack that tosses everything out, including the kitchen sink, just for the sake of scoring a point or two.

You have every right to be hurt and angry - let those who complain do it themselves next time if they can do it all better... You had to make a short-term adjustment because of the circumstances (wrt the rabbit) but, as you noted, that was just an excuse rather than the real reason behind the melt-down.... And, guess what, growing up doesn't mean that one has less stress.... (as if you didn't already know this) so one has to learn to deal with it appropriately...

Of course, one could always just save it all up and then have an MLC later in life instead  ::)
93
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by Pacman on December 01, 2021, 03:39:28 AM »
Time to sleep on my response and my actions.

Rather than respond straight away.

I feel for the situation and know nothing I do will make our relationship better but also know the wrong move WILL make it worse.

I know I'm looking into the future but if her mum passes away could I turn up at the funeral if OH could be there?
NO I could not.
94
Our Community / Rebuilding our marriage and family
« Latest by UrsaMajor on December 01, 2021, 03:28:03 AM »
Speculating is like a colourblind person with both arms in plaster trying to taste green with his elbow (© UM) There is no way UM can come up with a suitable GIF for this one, haha!

Challenge accepted.....


YUM YUM!  GREEN!
95
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by UrsaMajor on December 01, 2021, 03:22:52 AM »
My take fwiw is that how you respond is mostly a function of the kind of relationship you and your kids have/had with her parents and the boundaries that feel appropriate to you in your current relationship with your wife given the situation.
<...snip...>
So my advice is think less about your response to your w and more about what kind of support you do or don’t want to offer your in-laws directly. Or what your sons want to do directly.

This is PURE gold - This has nothing to do with MLCW and everything to do with your (former?) in-laws... 
96
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by Treasur on December 01, 2021, 03:08:13 AM »
My take fwiw is that how you respond is mostly a function of the kind of relationship you and your kids have/had with her parents and the boundaries that feel appropriate to you in your current relationship with your wife given the situation.

So, if you had a good relationship with them before, i’d reply with something like ‘i’m so sorry to hear that. I’ll reach out to your dad to see if there is anything I can do to help and will let the kids know’.

If you were not close, or if you feel post BD that they do not want contact with you, but your kids were close to them as grandparents, something more like ‘i’m sorry to hear that. I’ll let the kids know and suggest that they might want to pay a visit to see them.’

If neither are true - which was the case in my situation - i’d say something like ‘i’m really sorry to hear that. It must be a very difficult situation for all of you. Thank you for letting me know’.

The one thing that all of these suggestions have in common is a) nothing about your relationship bc tbh this isn’t about that, it’s about someone else’s tragedy and b) nothing about your w’s emotional needs or wants bc she fired you from that role when she left. I wouldn’t make any kind of open-ended offer of help until you have had time to consider what is actually appropriate for you now. And I wouldn’t route any help or support via her. One can be compassionate - and it is an awful situation for your in-laws, and perhaps for your w, so worthy of compassion - from an appropriate distance. But it is true too that your w is no longer your w or your friend bc by leaving she changed how your family works and the old rules no longer automatically apply. She may not be willing to see that and you may not like it, but it is a practical consequence of the choices your wife made, isn’t it? One doesn’t have to stomp around in anger to see that.....it just is how life works.

So my advice is think less about your response to your w and more about what kind of support you do or don’t want to offer your in-laws directly. Or what your sons want to do directly.
97
Our Community / Rebuilding our marriage and family
« Latest by Acorn on December 01, 2021, 02:33:20 AM »
Thank you for the clarification, Torn! :)

Quote
those very same questions may be asked by the MLC’er when they feel they need to escape their life and then need to be asked again to come through the crisis??

You don’t truly know unless the person in crisis tells you what’s in his head  — presenting consistent contents over many convos, not some thought that momentarily popped up and then fizzled out in 5 seconds to be never seen again. 

One can speculate on what’s going on in another’s mind until cows come home but all it accomplishes is strengthen LBS’s confirmation biases and hinder detachment, I believe.  (Ask me how I know about it. ;D)  Speculating is like a colourblind person with both arms in plaster trying to taste green with his elbow (© UM) There is no way UM can come up with a suitable GIF for this one, haha!

Just my view. 
98
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by Pacman on December 01, 2021, 02:26:17 AM »
Ok. So her mum's diagnosis came back.
She has early dementia plus  tumour on the brain and that doctors won't do anything.
W messaged me to tell me.

While I feel sad that it has come  to this I don't want to be her fallback.

And not sure how to respond. She doesn't know I've seen it yet.

"Sorry I had Bella last night and just saw your message. How is your dad and is there anything I can do for you?"

Is that too much to respond?
99
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by UrsaMajor on December 01, 2021, 01:24:40 AM »
Pacman,

The Pond Scum is a SYMPTOM... and if it wasn't this particular Pond Scum, it would have been a different Pond Scum. You can choose to let this (or any other) Pond Scum continue to live in your head rent-free and take up valuable space and energy or you can choose to employ mental scum killer and realize that, regardless of Pond Scum's actions and decisions, ultimately, Pond Scum is just another player in the MLC Scenario.  Realize also that you do NOT know what your MLCW told Pond Scum about you... maybe she said that you were already separated or divorced so Pond Scum saw an easy mark....

Regardless, MLCW chose to pick up a side piece and, like I said, if it wasn't this particular pond scum it would have been a different one...

Remember, the Mid-Lifer is NOT looking for someone better than the LBS, they are looking for an Affair Down who is WORSE than themselves....
100
Our Community / Still breathing and confused
« Latest by Pacman on November 30, 2021, 09:12:01 PM »
Just ruminating at work here and thinking what sort of spineless gutless piece of gutter trash would have no morals than to not back off when a married woman crosses over the line instead of being a real man and do the right thing.
This piece of crap is divorced but lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.
So many times I've wanted to confront the piece of crap but realise it is pointless.

He blocked me straight away so he knew what was up (gutter trash) that he is.

My father did beat up my mother's affair partner and served time for it.
I said I would never be like that person and in some respects I feel I have succeeded and continue being better than him in not making the mistakes that I saw that I didn't like.

BUT it would be so satisfying for that pond scum to get what is coming to him as a home wrecker and oxygen thief.

I know W made the choice to have the affair but he should have backed off!!!!!!!
Just venting so that I don't make contact with the prick as he is not worthy of my time nor energy.
They are both broken and if this is what they think they want good luck to them..........

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