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Author Topic: My Story 7 Year Cycles, 10 Years Deep

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My Story 7 Year Cycles, 10 Years Deep
OP: April 30, 2018, 02:35:13 PM
My last old thread is here: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8280.0

New thread title because, at least in my life, I do think things come in seven year cycles. Seven years post BD seems to have given me a new normal that is much more in line with the old normal as I've felt since all of this started. I rarely think about xH or his family anymore, and I have a hard time remembering "the good times" as much as I do the bad. A lot of the trauma has eased and I feel a sense of control again. I can easily focus on work and hobbies when I'm doing them, and I don't obsess over triggers. I'm still tiptoeing toward a new relationship, but if it manifests, I know I will have less I'm projecting onto my potential partner than I did a year ago when I first tested the waters with him. We are still very good "friends" for now, and I am grateful to have him in my life. :)

The vital statistics: BD July 2011, BD #2 November 2011. D'ed June 2013, no settlement yet so no final decree. He married OW March 2015. They now live in two different states, which are both different than mine (and I don't just mean psychologically! But that too  ;D). Clinger until September 2012, NC except for the divorce until October 2015. Sporadic contact (3 month cycles) until January 2018 when he has ramped up contact considerably. I am no longer standing.

Anjae had asked on Mitzpah's thread why I've continued with the nearly 90 emails between us since January. Short answer: clear up the remaining one issue we have, get the decree issued. That should all happen by June, I'm hoping. Once final decree is issued, I hope to officially put it all behind me. And by all, miraculously, I do mean everything. I feel I have my closure. Of course most of those emails from him are repetitive and self-serving, but that too has helped me put this all to bed. He is the same as when he left. But I'm not.

I thought about not starting another thread, but something occurred over the weekend that bears noting. My friend performs in a soul band at a local venue once a month or so, and I frequently attend. The crowd are usually more my dad's contemporaries than mine (and the last few times I've taken him as my wing man), and I like to people watch while I take in the music. I never expected to see any of xH's family at one of these events, but lo and behold, I spied one of his aunts on the dance floor. I held a grudge against her for being so complimentary to xH and OW from the very beginning of their public outing as a couple, but I really didn't have any of those feelings revisit me that night. I didn't expect her to recognize me (if she did, she did not approach). I didn't go out of my way to avoid, and I am proud of myself for not being petty.

But since she wasn't the usual aunt who went to dance events, I decided to google the other one later (maybe she passed away?). There were no accounts of her demise, but I did find an obscure recent article about the entire family! My xH's oldest uncle was a semi-famous songwriter in the 60's. There have been documentaries and biographies written about him, and there was never any shortage of family trying to get their 15 minutes of fame with talking head and contributor status. Long story short, this article spilled all the tea about the family's horrible mental health and abuse history (the aunt I had been searching contributed most of it, I think), which went even deeper than what I'd known about. Those skeletons were packed in tightly! It answered a lot more questions than what I'd even been asking all these years, but corroborated enough of what I knew to be true to not give me any reason to doubt this new stuff. Truly, it validated that nothing that was happening had anything to do with me, and was heritage-wise, unavoidable on some level. Sad. But not sad is that the Universe delivers right what you need at the right time, in the strangest way possible! Magical.

So back to me and living life with potential. Lots of yardwork this past weekend. I'm the most physically fit that I've been since this all started, and I marvel at how easy some tasks are that used to be devastating to take care of alone (or even with my dad's help). I'm glad there's no longer an "outcome" I'm waiting for because that makes each thing that unfolds every day its own miracle outcome. Even having ANOTHER stray cat adopt my home as its sanctuary is sort of sweet (though I am the last person that needs more cats). I just know it's reflective of how peaceful things are now. And they will stay that way. :)

 
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W
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#1: April 30, 2018, 03:42:15 PM
Great update Ready.  You sound good and I love your outlook on life.
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#2: April 30, 2018, 03:50:15 PM
Thank you! And it's so good to see you again! You were very much an early inspiration to me. :)
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W
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#3: April 30, 2018, 03:50:34 PM
Attaching Ready2Transform
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s
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#4: April 30, 2018, 04:32:12 PM
Well, I'm sure glad you decided to start another thread and stick around! 

Thank you for sharing the stuff about your MLCer's family.  Very interesting.  It certainly must validate a lot for you. 

I appreciate you being willing to continue to offer advice and encouragement here, as well as sharing your own journey. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#5: April 30, 2018, 07:57:07 PM
Thank you Watcher and stillbaffled for being here! And for your kind words. I'm not doing anything more than what others here did for me. I would have been so lost without the virtual shoulders to lean my head on.
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V
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#6: April 30, 2018, 10:01:56 PM
R2T love your thoughtful insights. Thank you!
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#7: May 01, 2018, 08:00:29 AM
Truly, it validated that nothing that was happening had anything to do with me, and was heritage-wise, unavoidable on some level. Sad. But not sad is that the Universe delivers right what you need at the right time, in the strangest way possible! Magical.

So very true. When we stop trying to control things, they usually unfold perfectly. Letting go and trusting that process is not easy but it is very rewarding.


I'm glad there's no longer an "outcome" I'm waiting for because that makes each thing that unfolds every day its own miracle outcome. Even having ANOTHER stray cat adopt my home as its sanctuary is sort of sweet (though I am the last person that needs more cats). I just know it's reflective of how peaceful things are now. And they will stay that way. :)

Peaceful is a wonderful state to be in. I find myself very protective of my peacefulness now a days.

You sound great R2T!
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We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#8: May 01, 2018, 11:35:49 AM
Thank you V and Searching! We all know letting go is the most transformative part, but boy can you not do it until you're ready! The day comes for everybody, I think. But one minute before that, it seems impossible. If you still feel that way, have hope! It comes.
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Re: 7 Year Cycles
#9: May 01, 2018, 03:59:05 PM
Thank you V and Searching! We all know letting go is the most transformative part, but boy can you not do it until you're ready! The day comes for everybody, I think. But one minute before that, it seems impossible. If you still feel that way, have hope! It comes.

You sound really good, Ready. Thanks for the inspiration. I'm not on the board much any more, but do come in to catch up on folks. Boy did this little comment resonate with me. There is a tipping point. It can take a long time, but when it does -- the way forward is far more enticing than looking back.  :)
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"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

 

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