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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Changed. Change. Changing!
OP: January 27, 2020, 07:33:50 AM
(can someone please link with my previous thread)

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11028

Brief Review...

BD 10/29/17  I was a puddle on the floor for awhile.  Eventually I started to pull myself together little by little.  Many thanks to those on this site who supported and helped and kept me grounded along the way.

H moved in with the OW for four months.  Then with a friend for a few weeks.  Then home for four months.

H then moved out of state for two months to join OW.  Silently H moved home and lived with parents for two months.  Then moved in with the OW again for a little over two months.

H then moved into his sister's place and has been there ever since.  Essentially, he is living in her living room.

H has never left OW....she is still in the picture but my gut is telling me the draw is not as strong but it is not yet broken. 


ME:

I was lost when H left.  Dumbfounded.  Shocked.  I was lost!  I did the wrong things.  I did what felt right but it wasn't but I didn't know any better at the time.

Overtime, I learned and I changed.  H moved home and in hindsight, neither of us were ready.  However it was a nice few months as H got to see up close some of my changes that were in the process.

When H left again, I was prepared.  I was stronger.  I was determined.  It didn't break me the second time.

H snuck back to the area.  That was a surprise.  However, he was still avoiding me for the most part.  Sneaking into the house while I was at work and collecting stuff. 

Things have changed for the both of us.  There is still change happening today.  I hope for change to continue into the future.  Time will tell.

More on change coming later.  For now it is time for me to go back to work!

See my signature for more details on my timeline.

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« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 07:45:25 AM by UrsaMajor »
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#1: January 27, 2020, 08:44:00 AM
Changed:  What has Changed?

I have changed.  I feel it all the time.  Things come up and I say to myself...Wow...you did well.  You would never has done it that way in the past.

I was - reliant upon my H.  I was miserable at times.  I didn't take full responsibility for myself.  I lacked confidence.  I was FATter than I am now.   I was not healthy.  I was quitting and giving up and giving into.  I had lost my zest.  I was going through the motions of life.

I am now at peace.  I am both happy and content.  I am healthier.  I have lost weight.  I have my positive attitude back.  I am open minded.  I am responsible and take ownership for myself and my actions.  I love life and all that it throws at me.

I am constantly learning and growing and changing and becoming a better version of me.  I will not ever give this up again.  I am gaining more and more confidence all the time. 

So while I have changed.  I am currently in the process of change.  I will continue changing in the future as I develop myself more and more.  There is no stopping me.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Just as in my life, the world of MLC....Things have changed and are in the process of change.  Hope that things will continue to keep changing in the future.  This is the one things I focus on in MLC.  Changing....last thing I want for anyone in this situation if for change to stop.  Someone getting stuck.  It can be the LBS or the MLCer….getting stuck is not good.  When stuck...you are not changing.  There is no chance for growth.  You can't become better versions of yourself you don't try.  It requires hard work and it is worth it.  Every minute of it!

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Recap of Changes over the Years:

January of 2018 - H was moving away.  Fewer texts.  Fewer calls.  Fewer visits.  Not only from me but also from D and Gkids.  He was in love with the OW and his life revolved around her.  We were disappearing from his life.  In hindsite, I fount out he was planning to move to another State on 3.1.18.  OW sold her home.  She was closing and they were moving together.  Starting a new life together.  He had no plans on telling anyone but his immediate family.  Just poof...he was gonna disappear.

At this time, he was still in the mode that his wife and kids only wanted him for his money.  We didn't need him for anything else.  We would all be ok without him and he was gonna start anew with someone who loved and adored him and understood him. (and who was eagerly taking money from him on a weekly basis - but that was ok because she was in need)


January of 2019 - H had moved out of OW's place and into sister's home and didn't tell anyone until after the fact.  H visited for the holidays but other than that.....his family pretty much didn't exist.  His sister was in need.  Her H died suddenly.  He was focusing his attention on coming to her rescue now.  OW didn't go away....he just chose not to live with her again.  This is the third time he decided he couldn't live with her.  Hmmm  Communication when it occurred was short and there were long spans of time in between.  It was nothing to go 3 to 4 weeks without hearing from H.  H was more concerned about helping the kids and providing financially for them now and then.  He is getting more consistant.


January of 2020 - H is in contact more.  Much more compared to last year.  A fair amount more compared to six months ago.  Now he will contact via call or visits and then disappear for 2 to 3 days vs  2 to 3 weeks or more.  He stays longer.  H invites himself to go to family dinners.  There is a bit more substances to convos.  Only a wee bit.  He will ask about things in my life, but usually there is a purpose behind them for him...it is not just straight up curiosity.  As quickly as he will call and talk....he quickly ends and disappears too.   Middle of a sentence he will say....well gotta go and you can tell his mind has drifted elsewhere.   He still likes to talk mostly about himself, his job but nothing personal.  Nothing in his life.  He is still secretive, but I have discovered the lies have stopped from what I can tell.  He just is not providing info and I am not asking so there is no reason to lie really.  His secrets are still better than being lied to.

H will admit that he is not happy at his job but now he has reasons besides just being miserable like 2017.  He was considering quitting his job and had some different opportunities but decided to stay because he needs the money now more than the satisfaction so he can help son get through his last few years of school.  What?  I almost peed my pants when he told me that one.

When H was considering changing jobs, he talked to me about it.  Told me that it would affect me also and I needed to know about it.  I told him to do what was best for him.  Take me out of the equation...I would find a way to financially deal with the fall out.  This decision has to be his and his alone. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How are things going to change in the future....I don't know.  That story is not written yet.

H has improved but still has a long way to go.  He smiles more when he is around.  He is less grumpier.  He participates more at family events. 

However, I can still see he is going through growing pains.  He is not dealing with his parents health issues well.  He is avoiding them more and more again.  However, he is helping sis more and more.  He recently changed his hairstyle.  His clothes is pretty much back to pre MLC.  He will still occasionally wear pants that belonged to son in high school...but now it is more to work in so he doesn't destroy his good jeans. 

He is more and more frugal.  This is so much like his father.  His sister too.  Nothing wrong with this change at all.  Even though he is frugal, he is still helping son and recently volunteers to pay on a loan for D in an effort to help her out.  What?  Wow.  Very nice! 

He started dropping the love word more and more in regards to the GKids.  He started to Hug D a bit more too when he is around her.  Started calling her by a child hood nick name again too.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

All these things mean nothing....YET.  However, it is nice to look back and see the changes that have occurred over that last two plus years.  Better than having two cement feet. 

Change is good!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#2: January 27, 2020, 08:56:50 AM
That's great SIA  :D

Slowly, slowly dealing with himself.
So good to hear about your improvements as well. Very awesome.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#3: January 28, 2020, 03:22:09 PM
Sam

I’m attaching them going back to read your post.

Embracing change is always a good thing!

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#4: January 29, 2020, 04:20:59 AM
Attaching Sam
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#5: January 29, 2020, 05:30:07 AM
Attaching, Sam.

Quote
  All these things mean nothing....YET.  However, it is nice to look back and see the changes that have occurred over that last two plus years.  Better than having two cement feet. 

Perfect.  You don’t read anything into the changes.  And you rely your hindsight to judge his changes over a long period of time. 

(((((HUGS))))))

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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#6: January 29, 2020, 05:52:48 AM
Sam that is definately movement.  Only time will tell, huh?

Sounds like you did all the right things, after the shock wore off.
You left him to himself and you got yourself a nice life.  Good for you!

Oh way or the other you are going to be ok.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

M
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#7: February 01, 2020, 06:25:40 AM
Thanks for this update, Sam. Definitely seems that your H is in a new phase. Many changes this year. I hope he keeps it up. You sound very good.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#8: February 01, 2020, 08:35:00 AM
Sam - Attaching to your new thread.
As always, you're doing so well, in every respect.
Keep up the great work, and patience, patience, patience.

You're right, slow movement is better than no movement.
My H seems to have found the 2 cement feet!   ::)

Hugs.
Sea
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#9: February 11, 2020, 12:47:52 PM
Standing....Thanks for following!

I can only hope he is slowly starting to deal with himself.  Time will tell.  Will have to wait until next year to see if that is the case or not.

Hope all is well with you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

 

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