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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Changed. Change. Changing!
OP: January 27, 2020, 07:33:50 AM
(can someone please link with my previous thread)

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11028

Brief Review...

BD 10/29/17  I was a puddle on the floor for awhile.  Eventually I started to pull myself together little by little.  Many thanks to those on this site who supported and helped and kept me grounded along the way.

H moved in with the OW for four months.  Then with a friend for a few weeks.  Then home for four months.

H then moved out of state for two months to join OW.  Silently H moved home and lived with parents for two months.  Then moved in with the OW again for a little over two months.

H then moved into his sister's place and has been there ever since.  Essentially, he is living in her living room.

H has never left OW....she is still in the picture but my gut is telling me the draw is not as strong but it is not yet broken. 


ME:

I was lost when H left.  Dumbfounded.  Shocked.  I was lost!  I did the wrong things.  I did what felt right but it wasn't but I didn't know any better at the time.

Overtime, I learned and I changed.  H moved home and in hindsight, neither of us were ready.  However it was a nice few months as H got to see up close some of my changes that were in the process.

When H left again, I was prepared.  I was stronger.  I was determined.  It didn't break me the second time.

H snuck back to the area.  That was a surprise.  However, he was still avoiding me for the most part.  Sneaking into the house while I was at work and collecting stuff. 

Things have changed for the both of us.  There is still change happening today.  I hope for change to continue into the future.  Time will tell.

More on change coming later.  For now it is time for me to go back to work!

See my signature for more details on my timeline.

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« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 07:45:25 AM by UrsaMajor »
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#1: January 27, 2020, 08:44:00 AM
Changed:  What has Changed?

I have changed.  I feel it all the time.  Things come up and I say to myself...Wow...you did well.  You would never has done it that way in the past.

I was - reliant upon my H.  I was miserable at times.  I didn't take full responsibility for myself.  I lacked confidence.  I was FATter than I am now.   I was not healthy.  I was quitting and giving up and giving into.  I had lost my zest.  I was going through the motions of life.

I am now at peace.  I am both happy and content.  I am healthier.  I have lost weight.  I have my positive attitude back.  I am open minded.  I am responsible and take ownership for myself and my actions.  I love life and all that it throws at me.

I am constantly learning and growing and changing and becoming a better version of me.  I will not ever give this up again.  I am gaining more and more confidence all the time. 

So while I have changed.  I am currently in the process of change.  I will continue changing in the future as I develop myself more and more.  There is no stopping me.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Just as in my life, the world of MLC....Things have changed and are in the process of change.  Hope that things will continue to keep changing in the future.  This is the one things I focus on in MLC.  Changing....last thing I want for anyone in this situation if for change to stop.  Someone getting stuck.  It can be the LBS or the MLCer….getting stuck is not good.  When stuck...you are not changing.  There is no chance for growth.  You can't become better versions of yourself you don't try.  It requires hard work and it is worth it.  Every minute of it!

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Recap of Changes over the Years:

January of 2018 - H was moving away.  Fewer texts.  Fewer calls.  Fewer visits.  Not only from me but also from D and Gkids.  He was in love with the OW and his life revolved around her.  We were disappearing from his life.  In hindsite, I fount out he was planning to move to another State on 3.1.18.  OW sold her home.  She was closing and they were moving together.  Starting a new life together.  He had no plans on telling anyone but his immediate family.  Just poof...he was gonna disappear.

At this time, he was still in the mode that his wife and kids only wanted him for his money.  We didn't need him for anything else.  We would all be ok without him and he was gonna start anew with someone who loved and adored him and understood him. (and who was eagerly taking money from him on a weekly basis - but that was ok because she was in need)


January of 2019 - H had moved out of OW's place and into sister's home and didn't tell anyone until after the fact.  H visited for the holidays but other than that.....his family pretty much didn't exist.  His sister was in need.  Her H died suddenly.  He was focusing his attention on coming to her rescue now.  OW didn't go away....he just chose not to live with her again.  This is the third time he decided he couldn't live with her.  Hmmm  Communication when it occurred was short and there were long spans of time in between.  It was nothing to go 3 to 4 weeks without hearing from H.  H was more concerned about helping the kids and providing financially for them now and then.  He is getting more consistant.


January of 2020 - H is in contact more.  Much more compared to last year.  A fair amount more compared to six months ago.  Now he will contact via call or visits and then disappear for 2 to 3 days vs  2 to 3 weeks or more.  He stays longer.  H invites himself to go to family dinners.  There is a bit more substances to convos.  Only a wee bit.  He will ask about things in my life, but usually there is a purpose behind them for him...it is not just straight up curiosity.  As quickly as he will call and talk....he quickly ends and disappears too.   Middle of a sentence he will say....well gotta go and you can tell his mind has drifted elsewhere.   He still likes to talk mostly about himself, his job but nothing personal.  Nothing in his life.  He is still secretive, but I have discovered the lies have stopped from what I can tell.  He just is not providing info and I am not asking so there is no reason to lie really.  His secrets are still better than being lied to.

H will admit that he is not happy at his job but now he has reasons besides just being miserable like 2017.  He was considering quitting his job and had some different opportunities but decided to stay because he needs the money now more than the satisfaction so he can help son get through his last few years of school.  What?  I almost peed my pants when he told me that one.

When H was considering changing jobs, he talked to me about it.  Told me that it would affect me also and I needed to know about it.  I told him to do what was best for him.  Take me out of the equation...I would find a way to financially deal with the fall out.  This decision has to be his and his alone. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How are things going to change in the future....I don't know.  That story is not written yet.

H has improved but still has a long way to go.  He smiles more when he is around.  He is less grumpier.  He participates more at family events. 

However, I can still see he is going through growing pains.  He is not dealing with his parents health issues well.  He is avoiding them more and more again.  However, he is helping sis more and more.  He recently changed his hairstyle.  His clothes is pretty much back to pre MLC.  He will still occasionally wear pants that belonged to son in high school...but now it is more to work in so he doesn't destroy his good jeans. 

He is more and more frugal.  This is so much like his father.  His sister too.  Nothing wrong with this change at all.  Even though he is frugal, he is still helping son and recently volunteers to pay on a loan for D in an effort to help her out.  What?  Wow.  Very nice! 

He started dropping the love word more and more in regards to the GKids.  He started to Hug D a bit more too when he is around her.  Started calling her by a child hood nick name again too.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

All these things mean nothing....YET.  However, it is nice to look back and see the changes that have occurred over that last two plus years.  Better than having two cement feet. 

Change is good!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#2: January 27, 2020, 08:56:50 AM
That's great SIA  :D

Slowly, slowly dealing with himself.
So good to hear about your improvements as well. Very awesome.

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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#3: January 28, 2020, 03:22:09 PM
Sam

I’m attaching them going back to read your post.

Embracing change is always a good thing!

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#4: January 29, 2020, 04:20:59 AM
Attaching Sam
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#5: January 29, 2020, 05:30:07 AM
Attaching, Sam.

Quote
  All these things mean nothing....YET.  However, it is nice to look back and see the changes that have occurred over that last two plus years.  Better than having two cement feet. 

Perfect.  You don’t read anything into the changes.  And you rely your hindsight to judge his changes over a long period of time. 

(((((HUGS))))))

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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#6: January 29, 2020, 05:52:48 AM
Sam that is definately movement.  Only time will tell, huh?

Sounds like you did all the right things, after the shock wore off.
You left him to himself and you got yourself a nice life.  Good for you!

Oh way or the other you are going to be ok.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

M
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#7: February 01, 2020, 06:25:40 AM
Thanks for this update, Sam. Definitely seems that your H is in a new phase. Many changes this year. I hope he keeps it up. You sound very good.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#8: February 01, 2020, 08:35:00 AM
Sam - Attaching to your new thread.
As always, you're doing so well, in every respect.
Keep up the great work, and patience, patience, patience.

You're right, slow movement is better than no movement.
My H seems to have found the 2 cement feet!   ::)

Hugs.
Sea
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#9: February 11, 2020, 12:47:52 PM
Standing....Thanks for following!

I can only hope he is slowly starting to deal with himself.  Time will tell.  Will have to wait until next year to see if that is the case or not.

Hope all is well with you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#10: February 11, 2020, 12:49:32 PM
Rose.....Dear Rose.....So wonderful to hear from you!

I have updated myself with your posts....You sound so good despite things in MLC land!

You are such a strong woman and my heart breaks for you, yet I know you will come out of this smelling like a Rose!

Take care of yourself dear lady!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#11: February 11, 2020, 12:50:41 PM
UM:  Welcome and thanks for attaching!  Looking forward to your videos are they are appropriate!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#12: February 11, 2020, 12:56:52 PM
Acorn:  Always glad to have you along on this crazy journey!

Quote
Perfect.  You don’t read anything into the changes.  And you rely your hindsight to judge his changes over a long period of time.

You are so right about this.  It could be easy to say he is changing....this is the end.  I would only be deluding myself.  I have read enough stories on here to know that they can appear one way but they are actually so different.  Then they jump back down that rabbit hole again.


So....let him jump if that is what he wants to do.  I am not Alice....I am not going down there with him.


Yes....hindsite is much clearer as to what and how they are changing....if at all.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#13: February 11, 2020, 01:00:03 PM
Thunder....yes...moving...changing...still in MLC Fantasy Land!   LOL!

Glad to have your input on things as they do change!


Quote
Oh way or the other you are going to be ok.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.  Not to sound conceited, but I agree with you.  NO matter what....I will be ok.  Better than OK!   I am me and doing me!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#14: February 11, 2020, 01:02:58 PM
Hey Milly....hope all is well with you!

Quote
You sound very good.

I am in a good place.  Wasn't easy getting here but it is worth it.

I said it before and I'll always say it.  I hate MLC.  However, once I extracted my head from the nether regions of my anatomy, I discovered that there are blessings to this crisis.

My biggest blessing is finding me again and making me a much better person no matter what.  I got this.  We all do!  It is just up to us to find our own way for ourselves!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#15: February 11, 2020, 01:06:48 PM
Hey Sea....my dear and loyal friend!

Quote
Keep up the great work, and patience, patience, patience.

You know that patience is not my virtue.  It is amazing how much patience you learn when dealing with MLC as and LBS.

Sometimes I wonder if it is patience I have learned or acceptance that so many things are out of my control so why bother getting upset or dealing with certain things.

Maybe a little of both!

Either way...so glad you have attached yourself!

As for your H.....those with cement feet will only sink deeper...so let him sink.  You are not his life line!   He will get loose of his shackle when and only when he is ready!  Just take care of you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

b
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#16: February 11, 2020, 01:22:50 PM
Quote
NO matter what....I will be ok.  Better than OK!   
.

I like this a lot!. Especially because it is the truth..finally. We start out as devastated and lost , walk thru horrible pain and shock but at some point we come to realize that we are going to be just fine. No matter what, we will be ok. No matter what another person does or does not do...WE will be absolutely continuing with our own journey and will be just fine. I believe it is about trusting ourselves ..not so much other people. When I arrived at this "knowing" it was incredibly freeing and gave back some power and control of my own life. It really was like a fireworks moment! .  Sometimes I need to remind myself of this fact but I know without question that I am going to be OK no matter what he does . How good is that ? Great changes and positives attitudes in this thread Sam!
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#17: February 11, 2020, 01:37:21 PM
Change....With Valentines coming up...here is a comparison of the last two years!

Feb 2018:  H was madly in love.  He was living with OW.  They were secretly preparing to leave and move out of State.  I pretty much didn't exist.  He came to visit me after Valentines...only because I was going on vacation and he wanted me to take something to son.  He was asked to go and visit son too.  He refused because he had different plans.   Later I found out that shortly after Valentine's he decided he couldn't move.  About a week before the exodus, he dropped the bomb to her.  She was upset yet convinced him to drive her out and drop her off.  He complied.  Then he returned with his belongings and started living with a friend.

Feb 2019:  H was on vacation with sister during Valentine's week.  Prior to this, I would get a call every 3 to 4 weeks and maybe a text or two in between.  He was quiet and I was living my life.  He had moved away from OW's and in with his sister just a few weeks before this but OW was still a strong force in his life.  He just couldn't live with her....again!   I don't remember the exact date, but around Valentine's, H called me out of the blue and talked to me for 45 mins.  I was floored.  H put me on speaker phone and his sis was in the background participating but wow.....that was the most we talked since he had left in July of 2018.

Looking back, this appears to be a turning point of communication.  Gradually....slowly....over the last year, H has communicated more and more over time. 

Feb 2020:  H is still in replay.  I see things in him that clearly point to this no matter how much things have changed.

For example: 

1.  H was invited on a family outing but couldn't take off time (1 day) to go with the family yet he took a day off to go out of town with a "friend" for hunting.  Another time he swapped days off so he could go to a party and a gun show.

2.  Recently I was sick and he knew it.  An employee got hurt and when another one was ill, he asked several times how they were doing.  Me...chopped liver.  LOL  It's all good!

3.  I was baby sitting and took the grand babies to watch some pickleball.  He turned into a showoff when the grandkids came in.  Wanted attention.  Most people didn't realize they were his grandkids too.  He didn't spend time with them. 

4.  I feel like I am living in groundhole day the movie.   He keeps bringing up the same convos again and again.  Should I sell my care or keep it?  Should I get a different job or stay put?  Should I go this or that?   I can almost count on these convos happening at least once a month.  Same convo.  Same outcome.  He talks...does nothing.  Still has same car, same motor cycle and same job.


So what has changed?

He talks about leaving job and at one time he did.  Now he knows he can't leave unless he finds something that pays near as well.

He talks about selling car but realizes it will be a mistake as there is nothing wrong with it.  He just wants newer and prettier (something for temporary happiness????)

He is wisely spending money.  Wants to spend money on a gun but instead is saving up for tires.


There are times when I feel like he is testing to get a reaction from me.

Last night at the gym, he was off alone and I left him there.  Soon after he came and sat down beside me on the bleachers.  There were other places to park his butt but he parked it beside me.  Then he pulled out his phone and was searching for bikes.  I watched him.  I noticed a nice looking one and said...that is pretty.  That was the opening he needed.  He then started showing me all the ones he liked and didn't like.   Good thing is that it led to a convo.  Bad thing...I didn't keep my mouth shut and just let him keep swiping up.  I gave him the opening.  Ugh!

Back to topic:

Feb 2020:  H is communicating via phone about every 3 to 4 days now vs 3 to 4 weeks.  Snaps/texts are about every other day.  He manages to find time to have person to person interactions about 1 to 2 times a week.   He has freed up his calendar so that he can go to the gym and play PB nearly every Mon and Tues when I am there and occassionally on Saturday mornings too.   Things he was unable to do this time last year because he had other activities on his calendar that didn't include me.

When he does reach out/visit, it is always because there is a reason.  Pickleball is a big topic.  Then it launches into something else.  Funny man.  Just can't call and say hey...I am bored...want to talk?  Nope.  He has an obvious reason.

He smiles more still.  Yet there is still the underlying heaviness to him.  He smiles but doesn't let go and really enjoy and laugh.

At PB, he has sought out another couple....he keeps challenging them to play us.  Meaning H and I as partners.  Told him last night....find yourself three guys and go play....nope...He asked the PB couple to play us instead. 

Can't read into this other than he likes to have me as PB partner....for right now.  Who knows what will happen in the future.

For now....I just have to enjoy for what it is and hope he gets better at PB!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#18: February 11, 2020, 09:30:41 PM
Nice progress, slow but steady, hard to know at this point if this is a long t&g or potential reconnecting - either way congratulations, it sounds much nicer than angry tension!!
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#19: February 12, 2020, 08:07:38 AM
Hey Barbie...welcome to my journey!

I appreciate your comments.  I can't agree more with so much of what you said.


Quote
I believe it is about trusting ourselves ..not so much other people.

This really hit home with me.  I have said so many times that I don't always trust myself.  I say this because my intuition let me down before BD.  I never saw it coming.  I never believed my H would do what he did.  We had talked about things like this when it happened to other people.  We never wanted to be those people.  We prepared ourselves.  We committed to walking away and going stag for six months to year before ever getting involved with someone else.  We were never going to be the talk of the town.  Um...yeah!  At BD, I asked him about the agreement.  Big deer in the headlights look.  He never remembered the agreement or the multiple times we had talked about it. 

That was the very moment I knew something was wrong with him.  I just didn't know what.  I got scared that due to the recent memory issues that started about six months prior (aka - when the affair started) that he had a brain tumor.  I was afraid for him at the time.  Little did I know.....but I learned!

I also learned that before I can trust anyone....I need to trust me again.  I need to know my intuition didn't fail me.  I was lied to and deceived big time.  I did question a few things, but I trusted H with all that I was and when he said he was hanging with a friend.  I believed him.  It just wasn't the friend he claimed to be with.  The names were changed to protect the NON-Innocents!  LOL!


Quote
When I arrived at this "knowing" it was incredibly freeing and gave back some power and control of my own life. It really was like a fireworks moment!


Yes! Yes! Yes!  I always said it was EMPOWERMENT!  I became empowered.  I grew and became and I am still becoming!  I am still changing and growing and doing it all for the better!  I won't stop.  I don't want to.  I will never ever give this up to anyone ever again.  I like having control of my life.  I also LOVE giving up control of things I can't control.  That is freedom to me!

This "thing" that I am doing for me is making me a much better person.  The best part.....those around me are benefiting from my being better.  I am a better mom.  A better gram.  A better boss.  A better daughter.  A better sister, aunt, cousin, friend.  Eventually, I will be a better wife too.  However no matter what.....I will always stay true to SAM!

Quote
Sometimes I need to remind myself of this fact but I know without question that I am going to be OK no matter what he does

You will be BETTER than just OK!  Please don't ever forget that.  Please don't.   Remember...the better you are...the better the person you are for everyone else.   You are important to so many people.  Just look at all the giving back you do on this site.  You are a leader.  You are a friend.  You are a confidant.  You are a blessing!  You are so much more to so many people. 

A big thanks to you, the moderators and the mentors here for helping all of us! 

  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#20: February 12, 2020, 08:16:17 AM
Hey 3 Boys.....welcome to the Class of 2017.   There are quite a few of us here yet.  Yuck!

As for reconnecting.  No!  This is not reconnecting at all.  He is a clinging cycling MLCer for now.  These are touch and goes.  Although he makes progress....he is still so deep in replay....just the more laid back replay.  He is not running away so much as lolly gagging now.  Dragging his feet.  Refusing to take the final plunge into the dark abyss that NEEDS to suck him down so he can finish this all out.  I wish I could tell him to go.  Dive in head first and deal with it because  things will be so much better once you do it and crawl out again.  Alas, I can't.

It is still all about him.  He just now tried to keep me in the cycle and I don't bite...most of the time.  Now and then I slip up but it is no longer devastating when I do.  I kick myself in the butt.  Tell myself I know better.  Forgive myself.  Learn a lesson and go back to life as I like it for me.

I read your time line and some of your posts.  Things have been quite crazy for you too the last few years.   I also see a strong woman in you.  Kudos to you!  You are gonna kick MLC butt and be ok too.  No matter what!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#21: February 12, 2020, 08:32:47 AM
Although he makes progress....he is still so deep in replay....just the more laid back replay.

I think you are describing what I would call ‘comfortably settled in replay’ if any of my observations of my H and the descriptions of MLCers on many threads are worth anything.  They seem to go bonkers at the beginning and then ‘settle down’ to sustainable replay.  I dare say that is where they can potentially stay for years and years because it’s so darn doable. 

As for his interactions with you, from my cheap seat, it looks like he is unconsciously jerking the chain to see if the anchor to mommy is still holding.  It’s wise of you not to read anything into it.  My suggestion is, for what it’s worth, vanish the expressions, such as T&G or Reconnecting, from your MLC dictionary and put away any expectations naturally attached to them, as I am yet to witness where this way of thinking helped anyone.  Just keep on living and enjoying your life which you are doing so marvellously.  You are mind kinda girl, Sam!

((((HUGS)))))
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« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 08:34:07 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#22: February 19, 2020, 01:12:13 PM
Hi Acorn!  Thank you so very much for your input!

Quote
sustainable replay

Yes this makes sense and seems to describe him at this time.  Or at least as of last week.  LOL

H took a jump off the deep end again this weekend.  Will see how long it takes for him to surface again.

Quote
As for his interactions with you, from my cheap seat, it looks like he is unconsciously jerking the chain to see if the anchor to mommy is still holding.

I read this last week but took some time to analyze myself and think about this.   The nice thing about those "cheap seats" is that you can get a broad view of everything that is happening from a distance.  You can see it all! 

Anyhow, after thinking about this....I have to agree that you are right.  He comes he goes.  No real routine to it.  Just willy nilly.  When I don't pursue...he finds a reason to reach out.

I try to respond in kind.  Lately the few times I have had to call him, he answered right away.  Before, it went to voicemail.  Texts are sometimes immediate and sometimes awhile later.  Just depends on what he is doing.  So as long as he responds in a timely and realistic manner....I will do.  When he doesn't.  I don't.

Quote
My suggestion is, for what it’s worth, vanish the expressions, such as T&G or Reconnecting, from your MLC dictionary and put away any expectations naturally attached to them, as I am yet to witness where this way of thinking helped anyone.

Good advise.  In hindsight I was using T and G because it seemed like a good description of his activites.  He comes...hangs out.  Leave!  No expectations of when he will return or how long he will stay away in between visits.  Sometimes it is a day or two.  Sometimes it is 4,5 or 6 days.  I can see there is no substance to his visits.  He has to find excuses to stop by.  During the holidays it was easy because there was plenty of family events.  Now...not so many!  During the nice weather, it will be yard work.  Not now!  Sadly I don't have a lot of need for him right now.

To get that verbage out of my system....I guess I can just call them "visits".  Plain and simple and it brings no hint of expectation for me or anyone who may be reading. 

Lastly,  I am living my life.  I mean really living it to the best of my ability.  I have my love of Pickleball which now keeps me busy 3 to 4 days a week.  Time with the grandkids.  Time at my office.  Lastly...just plain on ME time.  Time to just putz around the house and do the things that make life happy and simple for me.

Thanks again Acorn for you advise.  It was gladly received and taken under consideration after I pondered on it for awhile.

Sam!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#23: February 19, 2020, 07:56:23 PM
Sam you sound really great, grounded, content. You situation going into a more pleasant routine doesn’t sound terrible - when you keep moving forward, he may look at you and want to keep up, or the view will be so beautiful ahead of you that you eagerly create new joyful experiences
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#24: March 01, 2020, 07:22:38 PM
Attaching

Sorry I haven't been around more! 
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#25: March 02, 2020, 04:50:27 AM
Attaching Sam. You do sound great.
Acorn's thoughts about forgetting the MLC terminology resonate with me too (coming up to 4 years in my case). I got a bit lost in the terminology and over thought things. Still do sometimes.
Onwards and upwards, hey.
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Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#26: March 02, 2020, 05:08:33 AM
Sam:
Sounds much like mine: BD was also in late 2017 for me. Lots of what I will call sustainable replay right now after what I thought was reconnection last spring (yikes I was wrong). I’m trying to do like you and just live my life. Some days it’s easy, some days it’s tough. We also have a weird thing when he finds reasons to reach out. Last week I received a text early in the morning asking that I call him (my MIL has been very ill and I thought maybe she wasn’t doing well). Called him and he wanted to tell me some shenanigans his ex-wife was doing. That did not warrant an early morning (in my brain something bad has happened) text. Just an excuse to get in contact with me I think. Whew...crazy similar journeys.
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#27: March 05, 2020, 10:19:56 AM
3 Boys

Quote
when you keep moving forward, he may look at you and want to keep up, or the view will be so beautiful ahead of you that you eagerly create new joyful experiences

Thanks for your support and comments. 

I can only hope he wants to run to catch up to me....and at his age I hope he doesn't break something trying to do it!  LOL....Sorry...need some humor today.  Technology is a Debbie Downer right now!

In all seriousness, it is my hope that one day he will see what I can offer him in a relationship.  If not, then that is his choice and he will have to live with it.  I can't force him to want to try again.

As for me...I do have a beautiful future in front of me.  I know this for sure.  After this ordeal, I can't see where I would ever let things go in reverse ever again.  That is the good part of MLC.  I learned what is in my best interest without loosing sight of positives we can bring to others.
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#28: March 05, 2020, 10:21:28 AM
Faithwalker,

Please don't apologize.  You are living your life!  I applaud you and I am very happy for you!

Don't ever give up living for this forum or for anyone or anything else.

You and only you determine your priorities!  Keep on living for you!  I strongly support you in doing that!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#29: March 05, 2020, 10:25:11 AM
Music,

Thanks for your comments.  Acorn had some great points.  I wholeheartedly agree.  There are parts of me that envy her ability to see things from the "cheap seats".

Hard to believe you have 4 years under your belt.  I am over two years.....and two years ago it seemed like this day would never come.  Looking back...I survived.  I thrived.  I am better now because I what I have endured.

I love this quote....
Quote
Onwards and upwards,
   

I don't have a reverse gear in me.  No more living in the past.  Only looking at today and the future that comes as it comes!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#30: March 05, 2020, 10:33:40 AM
Sam, you sound so good. It's nice you share this on here since it will give others hope they might get where you are. xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#31: March 05, 2020, 10:36:33 AM
Surviving - It is a crazy world isn't it!?!

Since this all started I can read stories and see similarities but yet so many differences too. 

Similarities have always grounded me into understanding that things are just not right in his crazy lil world right now.  Too many people doing so many MLC things....just not a good normal way.

It also brings on empathy for H and others in these circumstances.  I just can't imagine their life when they finally snap out of it.  Doing some of the things that they do.  Destroying what they destroy...especially connections.  So sad!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#32: March 05, 2020, 10:44:59 AM
Milly,

You snuck in here while I was typing away.  LOL!

Nice to hear from you!  Thanks for your comments.  You are one of the many that I also follow.  I may not always post comments, but I see you as a role model for muddling through this mess.  I think you have a great attitude and you are also an inspiration to others!

Keep it up!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#33: March 05, 2020, 11:04:32 AM
So my theme is changes...so I am going to try to stick to that!

Driving to the office today, I was thinking more of where I was and where I want to go.  I had a podcast plugged into my car and it was talking mostly about self improvement.  How are ways to keep growing?  What are areas that need more attention?  What is a game plan for me to make me the best possible me I can be?

It was very though provoking.  One thing that made an impact was that in order to change me to the better for the future, I have to be able to honestly look to the past.  I have to look at my mistakes.  I have to look at things I did wrong not only as a person but also in the marriage.  I have to be open to honest feedback.  I have to not be afraid to ask others for feedback on how they see things.  I have to take all this info and use it to continue to improve myself in the areas I want to improve.

After reviewing the past, I have to use it for the future and then I have to accept the error of my ways and move forward.  I need to forgive myself and learn from it.  No different than what I have to do with my H.  If I am going to accept him...all of him...the good the bad and the ugly...then I need to accept and forgive and use the info for a better future there too.

Looking back, I have changed in the realm of forgiveness.  I have forgiven and continue to do so.  I have accepted that H is not personally trying to inflict pain and suffering.  I realize the error of my ways had some impact on his choices.  Bad as they may be....they are his choices and he will have to live with the consequences.  When the time comes, I have to be in a place where I can use the past only as a lesson for the future.  I have to forgive and let go of the hurts and the pain and the misdeeds by him.  I have to accept that neither of us were perfect and never will be.

If I am going to be the type of person who will constantly bring up the past to counter inflict pain on H in the future, then I need to walk away now.  No...I need to run.  That would be the wrong thing to do and all this standing will have been for naught.

I am not saying that the past can't be addressed.  There are things that will need to b e addressed...the issue is addressing them in a way that is constructive to all parties involved to have growth and healing on a continual basis. 

This is the person that I really want to be in the future.  I don't want to get sucked into the bringing up the past to inflict hurt.  I want the bad of the past to one day be forgotten in such a way that it is barely ever revisited and when it is, it is only done so to finish burying the negativity.  Using it only for something positive.

I know it sounds like I am placing all my eggs into an H basket for the future.  The truth is....what if it is not H.  I still have to let the past be a thing of the past and not rue my present life.  If it is another man in my life, he will not want to see or be around someone who is bitter and vindictive.  I know I wouldn't want that negativity in my life. 

So in order for me to continue to be the best me, I am looking inward at different personality issues that I possess.  I am turning to those that are closest to me for honest feedback.  Finding out what things I keep hidden from others and why.  Mostly to protect myself i am guessing and address them for myself.  What are things that I do that others see as a negative in my personality.  What of those things can I change and how can I do it? 

For example....my daughter when she is frustrated appears angry and mean.  She isn't that way.  An outsider not knowing her would say she can't handle things and just gets mean and nasty and turns into a biotch.  The truth is, that is how she shows frustration and it has a negative impact.

So...things like that is what I am looking for.  What "tude" is being portrayed by me when I am sad, angry, happy, tired, frustrated etc.  How can I more accurately address my feelings so others don't read my actions wrong?

I think this will keep me busy for awhile!  It will be challenging but I am really looking forward to this endeavor!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#34: March 05, 2020, 11:29:28 AM
Historical H changes:

2018:  H moved home in March after living with a friend for 2 weeks and deciding he couldn't handle that.  He stayed for 4 mos then then made an exit...stage WEST bound!

During the first few months he was home, he was helpful and planning.  He wanted to do this that and the other thing around the house.  He did some chores.  We went out as friends yet I knew we were not friends.  I knew this move was not going to be permanent.  I never expected him to move 16 hours away and follow the OW...but he did.  More on that later.  For the 4 mos he was home, he lived in the spare room like a roomie.

2019:  H increased contact a little bit this month.  More than in the previous 8 months.  More texts.  More calls.  There was still long periods of silence but there was a start to improved communication.  Usually contact and then 7 to 13 days without any.

It was during the middle of the month that we got talking about pickleball and he invited me to church to play.  WHAT?  I was floored.  He was inviting me to be in the same place as he was to play a sport.  WOW.. He got me the schedule and hooked me up someone to give me some lessons.

I can honestly give him KUDOS for inviting me.  I love the sport!  My only regret is that I can't play it more often!  I enjoy not only the challenge and the exercise but also the social feature.  I have gotten to know so many people and I look forward to socializing with them at the courts.  I have even drew in a few as very close friends now.

2020:

H is house and dog sitting for me.  I was going to go away and ask my parents to sit for me.  Nope...H wanted to do it.  So I let him.  Not a biggie at all.  My parents were a back up because you never know when the MLCer can jump deep into the dark hole of doom and forget to wash their undies let alone take care of something or someone else.

Recently while I was traveling, H called and talked to me more than normal while I was driving.  It was great because it helped to pass time.  Still no substance to convos but I get to hear about his job a lot.  One time he loves it the next he hates it.  Oh well!   ::)

Communication is much better than last year but still not anywhere near normal.  He comes by the house for family things.  He calls or texts or visits and then disappears for 2 to 3 days then 2 to 3 days of communication and the he disappears again.

He did some things lately that have surprised me. 

This weekend i went away and when I came home, he refinished my headboard.  He had talked about doing it prior to BD.  This was our original bed from when we were married.  It is 34 plus years old but is solid wood and has held up over the years...all but the finish.  He sanded it and restained it and it is awesome.  Replaced the old back board with a new one and added chargers for the phones up at the headboard instead of having to plug them in behind the bed.  Very nice.  I saw this and teared up.  He promised me this years ago and never followed through.  I had made plans to tear my bed down this summer and get it all redone.  Now that I don't have to do it.

After that he started to tell me about other things he is going to do around the house.  Trimming trees, cutting down some old bushes.  My memory is going back to 2018 when he was saying the same thing.  Now I am hoping it is just spring talk.  Want to clean up around the house after the winter.    We shall see.  Time will tell!

After sharing all his plans, he then turns and says "I may not live here but I still have plans for this place!".  I was shocked.  I literally didn't know what to say.  He looked at me.  I smiled and shrugged.  He replied...Yeah.  I know.  Then hopped in his car and left.  Missed opportunity?  Maybe...I just knew that I didn't want to open my mouth and something snarky sounding came out.  (this goes back to working on me and my issues and responding appropriately)

So, after this, he disappears.  Expected!

Today, he showed up in my office.  I was here all alone and he actually visited.  He has not been here since many months prior to BD.  He used to come down for lunch now and then.  Prior to BD, he had plans with the OW so that meant no visiting me.

So he stopped in to tell me he went on a job interview but turned it down.  Doesn't pay enough plus they wanted him to put out money up front for testing, classes and equipment.  He left it open but said he is not going to change.

Last month he gave me a study guide for another job he wanted to pursue.  I still have the study guide and he has yet to make arrangements to reivew it.  I won't offer.  I already told him I would help when it was convenient.  Now it is up to him to pursue the opportunity.

So he hung around for 15 minutes and left.   All I can do is shake my head and roll my eyes after he leaves.

In 2018, he hated his job.  Now he doesn't like the job he is doing but he likes the money and won't leave unless he can find something equivalent.

I would love to tell him that no matte what he does right now, he won't find the satisfaction he is looking for.  I don't.  I grin and just encourage him that the right thing will come along and when it does he will know it!

Oh well.....
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#35: March 05, 2020, 11:53:00 AM
How thrilling to come home to your headboard redone!

I'm glad that you are enjoying pickleball so much.
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#36: March 05, 2020, 12:50:21 PM
re: post #34.   Wow, Sam,,, just wow.   I love everything you wrote in this post.  You have done such a great job of looking inward, doing the hard work to recover, and it sure looks like it's paying off.   You are on your way - well done!
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#37: March 08, 2020, 04:58:56 PM
Sam, sounds like there are some positive changes in your H: headboard, planning other improvements for your house, paintball! Good movement here on his side. You sound great. I love how you kept your mouth shut. Great decision! I must learn from you!
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#38: March 09, 2020, 09:01:07 PM
Sam, I have to say that we have a similar timeline, and I have the same philosophy as you. I am able to look at my marriage and see the mistakes I made, and I have been working hard to become a better person. I may not end up with H eventually, but I like myself a whole lot better these days. H sees the changes I have made but doesn't trust the relationship yet. Your husband's actions are looking really positive. The love and thought that went into that headboard is encouraging. I'm cheering you on. It would be lovely to hear about another reconnection.
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Married 29years, together 35.
BD 12/15 ILYBINILWY
Affair discovered 12/17
H moved out 12/17
Trying to stand for the marriage.
Seems to be some consistent reconnection for the last year.
H mentioned Divorce twice, no action yet.

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#39: March 17, 2020, 12:13:06 PM
Hello FW!  Thanks for your response.

Yes, the head board was exciting.  I still love it every night I go to bed.

What is funny is H tried to make it the same as the original color.  My plans for this summer was to actually stain it a fun color.  Like teal or blue or something way different.  I am very happy with it but it just shows to me how much I am changing.  No more drap dark colors.  Give me fun.   I love bright and lively in my life not dark and dreary anymore.

So glad to see things are going well for you...despite MLC.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#40: March 17, 2020, 12:15:10 PM
Hi Anon!

Glad to have you along on my journey.  I am still one of your stalkers.  Not on here much so by the time I read, everything I would comment is old news so to say.

I think you are doing well.  Keep it up.

As for the work...I did it and I am still doing it.  It can sometimes be very challenging but always rewarding after the worst of the issues is past.  I know I am better because of it and that is all that matters.

Keep your chin up!  All will be ok!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#41: March 17, 2020, 12:20:23 PM
Hello Milly.....how are things going in your part of the world?  Hopefully you are staying healthy!

Quote
Sam, sounds like there are some positive changes in your H: headboard, planning other improvements for your house, paintball!

I can hope it is good movement but the truth is I don't trust that it is.  We were here before in 2018 when he moved up for a few months.  He planned.  He did some things but the big things went undone and then he was gone.  So....I just don't trust it is GOOD movement yet.  Movement yes...but it really could cycle right back again too. 

So I choose to enjoy the benefits without hanging any hope on it....yet!

Quote
I love how you kept your mouth shut

Ha Ha...it wasn't easy.  I just knew that if I said anything it would sound snarky....so I was glad that I drew a blank for anything constructive and kept the snark to myself.

Take care of yourself!   

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#42: March 17, 2020, 12:32:29 PM
Hi Didot......I have to confess that I have read nothing about your story.  So sorry.  I will make it a point to catch up sometime soon.

I am so glad that you are working on you and seeing improvement.  Feels so good....doesn't it!

Lucky for you that your H sees the changes.  If my H does....he doesn't say much.  He is not a talker and not a sharer.  At least not with me.  Usually when he chooses to share, it is with someone that he knows will get the info back to me.  I never ever let on that I know he talked to them. 

Thanks for your support!  I would love a reconnection and reconilliation...but I am not banking on it anytime soon.  Things are still just too odd with him.

Take care of yourself!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#43: March 17, 2020, 12:49:15 PM
Hello Everyone....typically I don't check in this frequently but with the "shut down" of our State, I am bored.  I am keeping my business open and we are staying busy...just not as busy as normal.  Couple that with some technical issues that has a new program at a standstill....the result is I am bored out of my mind right now.

Don't have much to say...just one thing.  I finally saw the Jekyl-Hyde thing that others have talked about and I read about.

Yes my H became the opposite of what he was...but I have not seen him flip flop back and forth until last week.

What I noticed is that that is is not angry/nice.  He is good boy/bad boy!   For the most part he plays the part of a fairly good boy around me, but I did see him slip up and bad boy came out.  LOL.  Not mean.  Not angry.  He was the typical bad boy.

He wanted to buck the system.  He wanted to fight back.  He wanted it his way and everyone else was wrong.  Blah Blah Blah.  Then just a few days later, the extremely good boy showed up.   Looking back, I have seen him on the verge of bad boy before, but never this bad. He was the "bad boy" of the movies bad.  James Dean bad.

The same system he was dissing....he was supporting.  Things were awesome.  People are  good.  All is well.  I really expected him to tell me he joined a commune.  He was that good.  Euphoric in a way.

A few days later....back to MLC H I have known for the last year.  Just there.  Some complaints but not bad boy complaints.  Some good but not euphoric good.

So odd to see that happen in such a short span of time.  Wonder what shows up next?  Time will tell.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

For the past week, H has been on vacation.  While away, he was snapping and texting on a regular basis.  Sharing what all he is doing.  Ok.  He was sending me things that he knew I liked and enjoyed.  He was even playing pickleball where he was at.  Yep...got pics of strangers playing pb just to show me where he was.

During one of these convos, he mentioned that he is thinking of selling his cycle again.  Doesn't know what to do.  Keep it, sell it.  All so confusing.

He goes through these weird cycles where he is going to sell things.  His cycle and his car mainly.   They alternate too. 

It is times like these that I really wonder what is going on in his mind to bring this up and bring it up with me.  He keeps revisiting them.  Then there is a lull.  Then back at it and he talks to me about again like we never had the convo before.  Strange to me.

OW loves his bike.  She makes no bones about being drawn to bad boys with Harleys.  Has it posted on her FB.  She buys the clothes and plays the part of a biker babe too.  Not pretty when you are a larger woman in those tight clothes.  Gross!  Anyhow, I can't see her buying into him selling his bike.  That is one of the things that brought them together.  He would ride bike to meet her at the dive bars she frequented.  They would ride out of town so as not to be seen by others prior to BD.   

I know I won't tell him to keep it or sell it.  I'll listen to him.  I won't advise him.  He has to figure it out.


Hope you all take care.  Can't wait until the COVID-19 is a thing of the past and we get back to a semi normal life here in my neck of the woods.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#44: March 18, 2020, 09:32:13 AM
OW loves his bike.  She makes no bones about being drawn to bad boys with Harleys.  Has it posted on her FB.  She buys the clothes and plays the part of a biker babe too.  Not pretty when you are a larger woman in those tight clothes.  Gross!  Anyhow, I can't see her buying into him selling his bike.  That is one of the things that brought them together.  He would ride bike to meet her at the dive bars she frequented.  They would ride out of town so as not to be seen by others prior to BD.   

I know I won't tell him to keep it or sell it.  I'll listen to him.  I won't advise him.  He has to figure it out.

One of these?

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#45: March 24, 2020, 03:27:45 AM
Haha. Even worse than that!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#46: April 16, 2020, 06:57:19 PM
Hi All!  I hope you are all doing well.  I am doing great despite everything going on in the real world and the MLC world.

Would it surprise you if I said that H is wackier than his normal MLC wacky?  I see moments when he seems to have it all together.  Smiles, participates in family activities and then BAM.....he is sitting staring at his phone and can't remember things.  Oh, well.  This is all for him to figure out.  I just sit back...observe and try not to let people see me shaking my head and rolling my eyes at his shenanigans.

The next biggest change with H is that he is trying to do more family activities.  I have been having D and Gkids over Sat am for breakfast.  They used to go out for breakfast on Sat am.  Now that they can't, the Gkids think that coming to Grammies house is going out.   H has been opting to join us.  He tells D and I to send him a text when they are on their way.  He shows up.  Participates in family time then leaves for work.  More time actively engaging with the family and less time on his phone.  He still has moments where he goes off alone but they are much fewer than last year or the year before at this time.

Before the total shut down of all businesses in the state, H was car shopping and asked me to go along with him.  We got to the dealership after hours.  Plans were to go back the next day...that is when the total shut down hit closing down the businesses.  So his care shopping is on hold.  1.5 years ago, he purchased a truck and I was not involved at all.  Of course, this was during a time when he barely spoke to me.  I remember him showing up at my office needed some help with documents and before he told me he bought the truck, he was so nervous.  His hands were shaking.  His voice quivered.  I expected something horrible.  It wasn't. 

So there are some minor improvements in H when I look back for the last year or two and compare.  Yeah.  However, there is still so much for him to deal with yet.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

H's sister!  Oh my...want to talk about changes.  It is her.  Year and years ago, we had a decent relationship.  Never really close because we were so different but we got along and had fun together at family events.  Then she started to change.  Looking back, I wonder if 10 years ago she didn't start into her MLC.  I thought she was just a WAS but now I am thinking differently.

Ten years ago she started to withdraw.  Not as much fun to be around.  I got to the point where I told H that I don't think sis likes me.  No real reason...just the distance.  Over the last few years, some info has been brought to my attention.  I started to keep an eye of SIL.  Something wasn't right.  Out of the blue, she wanted to get close again after BD but things just never felt sincere.  Now I am starting to get it. 

SIL started an affair with a hs boyfriend.  Both were married at the time.  SIL was not happy at home.  Her h was grumpy and mean and ignored her and spend al his time at his business.  (He was grumpy and I witnessed him being mean to her once but he was grumpy).  Suddenly one day, H tells me that SIL wants to leave her H.  We had a place for her to stay and she wanted to move there.  Based on what I knew at the time.  I allowed it.  I didn't know about the BF on the side.  I supported her leaving to try to figure out what she wanted to do.  She couldn't live with the grumpiness anymore.

A year after leaving her H, SIL up and moved out of state announcing she was marrying the BF.  She did eventually.  Quit her job to go where he wanted to go.  He worked on the road all week long and was only home on the weekends.  On the weekends he could go anywhere he wanted to go.  He could come to visit her....most weekends he went to a vacation place in another state.  Instead of coming to see her, he went to where his interests were for himself.  I saw this as odd.  When BF finally convinced SIL to quit her job...move away from her family and friends and go live with him in a camper, I had reservations.  Something felt off.  Looking back, it was me seeing his selfishness but I couldn't put my finger on it at the time.

For several years, SIL lived the life of a kept woman.  During the week her 2nd H was out of town working and she lived alone in another state, safely tucked away in a camper with no one to influence her.  She wasn't always happy being alone, but she wanted to see her 2nd h more so she had to be where he was.  No job.  No family.  Not much of anything other than a garden to keep her busy.  This went on for several years and he finally decided they could buy a home back here.  However, it was going to be a summer cabin only.  Not gonna live here all year round.

In the middle of building this dream cabin, 2nd H passed suddenly.  SIL got stranger and stranger.  Depression for sure.  She was talking and acting like 2nd H.  Even changing her voice to have the same sound as 2nd H did.  Strange.

At the end of 2019, SIL told me she is tired of not being happy.  (boy I remember those early days).  She was getting counseling.  Going to grief classes and working on being more positive.  She still moaned that she didn't want to live here.  She didn't want to have to go back to work to support herself.  She didn't want to give up traveling.  She didn't want to live her life without 2nd h. 

Whatever SIL is doing is working.  She is so much more pleasing to be around.  She now sounds sincere when she comes by.  We help each other out.  We go out for ice cream and chats.  We chat about everything and anything other than H...her brother.  She comes to family events.  She tries to include me in family events.  She is enjoyable to be around again.  We are sharing garden plants and seeds and snaps and just getting along.

Why....well, some of it is because I have changed.  I never cared for her 2nd H and I never accepted him.  I know she was "in love" with him for the short time they were together.  He bought her happiness.  He gave her the life of luxury...travel, adventure, infatuation, dreams but he also took her away from family and friends who could support here when he wasn't around.  That was his selfishness.  He isolated her.  I now know this was her choosing.  I have let go of all the old frustration with seeing her disenchanted 5 days a week.  She is also working on her positivity and learning to live a life on her own.  Except she is relying on her brother as a workhorse in place of her H.  Brother is not her go-to person vs her H.  Tells bro all the time how she can't make it without him.  So glad he is choosing to live with her. blah blah blah. 

I don't hold this against her.  I would have at one time.  Now I see that she is still learning and growing and still needs TIME to adapt to her new life.  A life she didn't choose.  A life that was never in her dreams.  She is now in the real world again and not living the fantasy life she had.

The bottom line, I am thinking when her MLC started is when we started to drift apart.  Why...because she was keeping secrets.  Secrets she was sharing with her bro.  She was using her bro as an excuse when she would meet up with BF.  Yep...found out that she would tell her H she was going away with bro when she was secretly meeting BF.  Sadly, he kept those secrets for years.  Only in the last two has he occasionally left the cat out of the bag. 

So as of this time, I still don't fully trust her.  However, I do enjoy her company more again.  I see her interacting with my gkids more.  I see her including my D in things more.  She has done a 180 and is back to being involved with everyone more.  It is nice.  Will see how that plays out.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know I am getting long-winded...sorry.  Almost done.

My changes....over the last month I have seen myself in a different place.  When H pulls his shenanigans...I smile, shake my head and roll my eyes.  There isn't even a murmur of sadness involved with him and his MLC life.  I don't know how to explain it.   It is not numbness.  I still feel.  I still love.  I feel empathy for him because I can see how he is not right.  I see the unhappiness under the fake smile.  My heart breaks for him.  My heart doesn't break for me.  It is like...oh well...he will figure it out and I can turn and walk away and let it all go.  No pain.  No reaction.  I just turn my attention to something else.  Something more pleasing for sure.

Total detachment?  Maybe.  Time will tell.  I just know that I am also in the best place I have been in since this all started.  I am where I am because it is what I choose for me.  It is what I work for.  It is where I hope that H will get to one day.  I really would like to see his suffering stop.

Sorry about the length...but thanks for letting me share here what I can't share in the real world with people who just don't get it.

Hope everyone stays safe!  Wear those masks!  Real ones.  Not mlc masks!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#47: April 17, 2020, 04:39:52 PM
Lovely update Sam.

Hadn’t realised the story of your SIL so thanks for sharing it.

You are doing so well with all of this and always have!
It’s great reading your updates
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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#48: April 17, 2020, 10:52:19 PM
Catching up Sam.

Thanks for sharing your story about your SIL. It's amazing how this journey of ours changes the way we relate to others. I feel like I've become less naive and innocent but also less judgmental. Which is pretty strange.

Glad your H is making progress. Even if it is at glacier speed.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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#49: April 18, 2020, 08:39:01 AM
Sam -
Great to catch up.
As always - you sound great!

So glad that H is spending time for Saturday breakfast with the family, and less time on phone.
He doesn't need the distraction, so he's more focused on family, which is good.

I remember your SIL through this whole thing.
Interesting that you were able to tease out her actions and how she's re=evaluating her life -- the one she didn't want.
Kind of like an LBS, I guess -- even though you believe that she went through her own MLC. 
Although her H didn't leave willingly, I imagine that the sudden loss of a limerent object would feel a lot like being left behind.
At least she's doing the work and growing through it.

Keep up your terrific growth.
You're amazing!

Sea
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#50: May 16, 2020, 10:46:57 AM
Sam,

A very long time... So much has gone on in our worlds, its hard to keep track of what has happened, where you're at and how you are coping with it all.
But I know as I have backtracked and read your updates, that you are doing good.
I'm glad to see that you have moved forward, that you have changed so much, and you are just being the woman you know you are.

I've been out and about, learning, listening, improving. Still have my moments, still ponder, but now they are better moments..

I miss talking with you!
I hope to catch up soon...

Mrs.
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#51: May 28, 2020, 10:09:29 AM
 Hello Rose....I hope you are doing well.  I can caught up on your thread.  Crazy how MLCers just toss things away. 

Really crazy that once you learn about MLC, you start to see it in others where you didn't see it before.

A few weeks ago, I lady I play PB with had heard rumors out my marriage and things with H.  She asked to come and talk to me.

She was asking very specific questions about H was acting.  After a delightful afternoon, she informed me that she feels her H is going through it now too.

His started years ago.  He kicked her out then he wanted her back but things have not been the same since.  He sounds like more of a wallower.  No OW...works a lot.  When he comes home he is grumpy and sits on the couch watching TV and ignorning her.  Sometimes he is verbally mean and she tells him where to go and dump!  He is also drinking a lot.  More so when they go to visit the kids. (Step to him but he adopted them when they were young) 

At PB....I have seen him be a bit moody..seen him be a bit mean to his W in a sarcastic way and I have seen her tell him to knock it off she doesn't have to put up with his crap!

I never suspected that she was gonna tell me that outside of the OW her H and my H are similar in many ways.  They really can put on a mask in public and make things look normal to the world when they want to. 

Anyhow, without her knowing what she is doing, she is giving space and not backing down from his BS but not doing anything to instigate it either.  Kudos to her!

Now besides PB, we both have each other to support through this.  She just kept telling me that no one would believe her.  She tried to talk to a few people and they though she was crazy.  Told her to get help if she wasn't happy.  Quit blaming it on H. 

She is a happy go lucky beautiful person inside and out and someday her H will realize the gem he has.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#52: May 28, 2020, 10:13:27 AM
PJ -

Quote
I feel like I've become less naive and innocent but also less judgmental. Which is pretty strange.


May be strange but doesn't it also feel awesome!!!   I think that is us growing up and growing into being better people.  We are more accepting.  The little things don't bother you as much you just them roll off your back.  You appreciate more more all the time!

As for H progressing.....he is where he is and he will get to where he needs to be when he is ready.  Glacier speed....yeppers.  Definately no rush about anthing at all.

Hope you are doing well.  Just keep taking care of you and your family!

SAM
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#53: May 28, 2020, 10:16:58 AM
Sea....so awesome to catch up with you but sorry it had to be under the circumstances that it was.  Once COVID is behind us, we all need to get together again.  I can't wait!

Hard to believe you hit the 3 year mark already.  Time flies when you are having fun.  I quit counting and had to figure out where I was after our convo.  That is a good thing I guess.

Anyhow, stay true to what you want.  Know you are not being pressured to make any decisions about your future.  Take your time and just do for you!  The future will work out the way it is supposed to work out.  Trust in that!  No matter what, you will have a bright and wonderful future ahead of you!

Take care!

Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#54: May 28, 2020, 10:21:49 AM
Mrs.

Quote
I've been out and about, learning, listening, improving. Still have my moments, still ponder, but now they are better moments..

Glad to hear you are doing for you.  I have to go and catch up on your post too.  As for talking....give me a call anytime!

I had hoped to make a trip to your neck of the woods, but COVID is keeping me home.  I know for sure I will be out  end of May/early June next year for graduation.   I have got to meet you!

Actually thinking of flying into CA and sightseeing for a day or two in San Fran and then flying to Vegas for a day or two then driving to your city.  Spending a week there and then driving home.  Figured it would take me about 2 weeks to drive home and shop and see things between our two states.  Give me lots of alone and away time and a change to see places I have never seen.

Anyhow....my squirel brain got me again....hope you are well and give me a call to catch up sometime!   SAM
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#55: May 28, 2020, 10:47:56 AM
So...what has changed from last May until this May.  Not a lot.  H is still doing chores for me.  I was getting to a point where I noticed I was relying on H to cut the grass and there was times it needed cut and he wasn't around to do it.  I knew this was wrong of me so I started to cut it in between myself. 

Now I get tips on how to cut the grass his way.  Things he does to make it nicer.  This is usually after he shows up to cut it and it is already done.  His way of telling me he was there and wasn't useful.

He is trying very hard to be useful in my opinion.  Doing little things and not telling me and if I don't notice he drops hints.  I thank him.  Tell him he didn't need to do it but that I appreciate the help.

He is now telling me of things he wants to do instead of just always doing them.  He volunteered to run to the dump for me.  He volunteered to put the AC units in for me.  He is telling me to ask him for help but not at the last minute...to give him time to plan ahead and he will help me do things.

He is still making plans for the fall to add onto the shed for storage.  He told me he liked my choice of color for the patio furnace when I had it re-coated.

All this but there are still signs of neediness. 

Ex of his neediness to be acknowledged:

My wheelbarrow needed emptied.  My hint was...where should I put the wheelbarrow now.  Me:  I'll put it away after it is emptied.  H:  Pulls it out to show me it is empty.

Called to tell me that he cut my office grass when I didn't notice it was done.  I use that back door so I don't pay much attention to the front yard.  He would never have called last year.  Maybe alerted my office manager or sent a group text just so he could get kudos.

Got a pic of Wasp spray today sitting on my counter.  Told him I noticed wasps the other day and had to figure out where they were coming and going from.  In the past, he would have put it  on the counter but not notified me.

It is just all little things.

He is still coming over for a family breakfast each week.  Never invited.  He just shows.  Make a request a few weeks back to try something different.  We did.  It was good.  This week he ate supper with me two times after pickleball.  That was a first.

He is bringing food now and then.  Last night he showed up with Jalopena poppers he made and put them on the grill while I was making supper.  He stayed for supper and swam in the pool before leaving.

Sometimes he tells me when and where he is working and when he will be home and other times nothing.

More phone calls for more normal things.  Then they stop for awhile.  As well as the visits except for breakfast.  He has not missed one of them.  May not stay long but he shows every Sat am.

He is still coming and going willy nilly.  He is a bit more in touch with daughter.  Less in touch with son.  Giving more attention to grandkids especially grand daughter.  Petting the dogs more.

NO....he is not reconnecting at all.  He is still in replay and has to fight his way out of that wet paper sack on his own.  OW 1 and OW 2 are still sniffing around.  Still has secret trips out of town to the same place OW 2 lives.  Still has times when he goes for awhile with no contact then BAM he is in my face for a bit and then bye bye bye again. 

I see all he is doing as re building of a broken relationship from my end.  Rebuilding a friendship from the ground up.  Just getting to know each other a bit.  I am letting him into my world when he wants to come in but not inviting him when he is distant.  He seems to find ways to come back.  So he needs the down time.  He needs the space.  He needs to recharge after getting Sam overload.  I give him that!


As for me....I am still concentrating on me.  I noticed I can ask H more questions as long as they are related to whatever he is talking about.  No longer do I feel like I am invading his privacy.

When he talks about work or friends or hunting or mowing or whatever it is....he lets me ask questions about that subject and I try to be as interested as posible.  Show calm interest in what he is doing.

For example:  Last night we talked for 20 minutes about poppers after he brought some he made.

Other than that....my life is boring but I am happy in it.  Time with family.  Pickleball.  Dedicating more to work and to my health and to just  living.

I am really truely happy and loving life right now!  I am using this time to do for me what and when I want!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#56: May 28, 2020, 01:54:16 PM
Sam -
Thanks for talking the other night...

As always, you sound healthy, strong and happy.
Glad that H is around, even if still in replay.
I think, if you're detached - which you are, then it's better to have them around and keep conversations going.
Things will just progress when it's time.
Compared to a vanisher where I think it would be really difficult and awkward to have conversations or visits again.

JMO.

Take care, stay safe, and keep loving your life.

Sea
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#57: June 19, 2020, 12:49:48 PM
My monthly update....sometimes I have to make myself come here.  I get so busy that I just don't take the time to slow down and post. 

I know I am far less obsessed with MLC land.  Less concerned about H.  More concerned about me and what I am doing. 

I have changed in who and what I am and not in a bad way.

Just yesterday I had a look into the old me....bear with me while I get wordy!

Yesterday I went to a drive through for a nice cold treat and refreshment.  As soon as I got to the window, the clerk was chatting away with a friend and oblivious to me pulling up for my order.  Friend nudged her and she turned and apologized.  She was sharing pic of her new home with friend./color]

Old me would have laid in to her or have been rude.  Reminding her I am a customer and she was wasting my time

New me...congratulated her.  Asked her about her home.  Chatted for a few mins until someone else pulled up behind me.  Then I politely excused myself and gave her my best wishes.

I don't know this lady and with the masks...I wouldn't know her in the future.  As I was driving down the road it suddenly hit me how polite I was vs the nasty wench I could have been.  Yeah me. 

I believe this comes from my internal happiness.  I am so happy inside that I can be happy for others too.  There was a time when I didn't have this and it was easier to bring someone down than it was to build them up and share happiness with them.

Ugh....how miserable I was for a time.  I don't like the person I was....but I can say I kissed that person good bye and I never want to be that person ever again!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#58: June 19, 2020, 01:18:51 PM
Now I want to do the comparison of live with H looking back!

June of 2018:  H was living with me.  We just returned from a great vacation visiting son.  H was strange but this was his new normal since he had moved home.   Later this month, H revealed that he was leaving again.  Moving several states away to live with OW.  Over the next few weeks, strange things were going on and then he left.

When he left, I figured it would be many many many years until I saw him again....if ever.  This is where I had kissed him good bye for the last time.  This was the last time I told him I loved him.  This is when the death of the marriage came for me.  This is when I really started to heal and deal.

At this time, H quit and gave up everything for the OW.  Quit a great paying job.  Left his home.  Let his pregnant daughter.  Left his Grandson who he adored at one time and now had nothing to do with.  Left his two dogs behind with me.  All to chase whatever it was he was chasing.

Little did I know that he would be back in about two months.  During this time, I had no worries....I just moved on with life.

June 2019:  H was coming by the house to do chores.  Mostly weed whacking and mowing but it was helpful.  He always tried to get it done when he knew I was not around.  I was still seeing him occassionally at pickleball.  Sometimes he was friendly.  Sometimes he was not.  There were times he would call and talk but there was many more days when I heard nothing from him at all.  Not texts, not snaps...nothing. 

June 2020:  H is playing PB 2 to 3 times a week with me.  He is coming over 1 to 2 times a week to visit with the kids when they are here.  Occassionally he will eat supper with me after PB.  He almost always comes to swim after evening pb.  There is much more communication but yet there is no substance to it.  He comes by to help with some chores when he feels like it.  I pretty much asked him to let me mow because he is mowing for my parents, his parents, his sister and now the OW who recently bought a house.  He doesn't need me to rely on him too.  So I do my own mowing, but he makes sure the mower is filled with gas.  He helps when I really can't get it done. 

He is still talking about buidling an addition to the new shed.  Laying out plans.  Just waiting for the lumber to come back from being milled then he will start on it.  Other than that....he does little around the house anymore.


He talks more positively about his job.  The same job he RAN from 2 years.  The same job that he hated and would never do again.  He is not loving it...but he is loving the money aspect.

Money...work...that is a big change for H over the years.  2018....he was wasting money.  He had to borrow money to move out of state.  He quit his job with no savings because he was gambling.  He still gambles but not before.  Not hundreds of dollars a day.  Not even hundreds of dollars a week.  Now he is so tight he squeeks unless he is buying something.  He is into buying new lawn toys.  New blower.  New weedeater (he got this only because I wouldn't let him use mine after I found out he was using it to manicure OW's lawn when he was mowing for her).  Outside of that, he is proudly saving his money.  He has his bike paid off a year year and his truck will be paid off by the end of next month.  He is saving up for some dental work to be done also.  He wiped out all his credit card debt he built up..  I am both happy and proud of him. 

Another change for him is he has a new friend in his life.  This guy is young....by about 15 to 20 years.  He is recently separated from his wife who had him arrested and filed a PFA against him so he had to move out.  So now they are two bachelors paling around.  My of My!  Better than other options.  Spending time with the HITman means less time with OW.  They are hunting even venturing into new hunting.  Snakes.  Rattlesnakes to be exact.  Not my idea of fun but I like it much better than the OW options!

He is volunteering at work for extra shifts.  Especially on holidays.  He gets holiday pay plus a bonus plus regular pay for working these days. 

He still talks about buying a new car.  A few weeks ago it changed to I want to take care of some things and save some money.  This one will last me another year, then I'll give it to son and my myself something else.  Ok.....I love this idea.  Just told him that it sounds like a plan.

So H is giving me more insight into his life, yet he is still hiding his phone at times.  Other times he doesn't.  Comes and visits and talks and texts more than the days when he doesn't.  He is running hot and cold.  More hot than cold vs last year and the year before.

I can clearly still see replay in his life.  The hiding the phone when he is texting.  The checking out who is calling before answering.  The running out soon after getting a text.  The inability to sit and enjoy family.  He has got to be doing things....can't just sit and chat or he gets antsy.  The convos that revolve around him and what he is doing.

I am also starting to see some more grumpiness coming back.  More miserable at times.  Others times he seems fairly happy.  I see more real smiles but I also see the replay paralyzed smile he is famous for.  I see laughing and joking.  I still see serious and stoic.  I see a family man...I see a loner who just wants to sit and play games on his phone.

I see the man I once knew show up for a split second now and then....then I see a child like man who is lacking confidence.  I see a man who can't relate to his grandkids at times and I see a man who is playing with and enjoying them the next.

Never know who or what you will see with him but it doesn't matter.  What ever persona he brings to the table...I can handle.  Still no real monster at me.  Never really saw that from him except for when I pushed.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#59: June 21, 2020, 10:17:35 AM
Nice recap Sam.
And I'm so happy that you feel happier overall, with the "new you".

It seems we/they get nasty when we're not happy and pleasant when we are;
That's true for us, but also for the MLCer; when they're monster they are truly showing their unhappiness.
When they are civil, they tend to be happy(ier).

Hugs,
Sea
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#60: July 02, 2020, 05:29:02 PM
Just catching up on your thread Sam, you sound well. Your MLCer seems to be progressing more quickly than most. I imagine that’s a double edged sword... take good care!
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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#61: July 23, 2020, 08:23:50 AM
Hey Sea!  As always, very nice to hear from you!  Hope all is as well as can be in your world.  Keep your chin up!  Your H is still spiraling down.  Just take care of you and your handsome boys!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#62: July 23, 2020, 08:25:00 AM
Dear 3 Boys....Just when you comment on him progressing...the world goes backwards.  Isn't this a rule in MLC?  Ha Ha!

No matter what....all is good!

Hope you are well and safe too!  Thanks for catching up!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#63: July 23, 2020, 08:49:03 AM
My July Recap of Changes:

July 2018 - H makes his move out of State.  Moved over 15 hours away to be with the woman he LUVS.  He knows it is crazy but he just has to do it.

July 2019 - We are civil but I know H is still involved with OW1 and he is lying about it.  I figured out that 7.15 is an important date to her.  He has to meet be meet up with her in 2018 before the 15th.  This year he took time off of work to go on an all day bike ride ALONE.  However, there was someone taking and posting pictures of him and it wasn't him as both hands were clearly on the handlebars.   Hmmm.  Love the lies!

July 2020 - The beginning of the month rolled around with no big Fireworks.  Communication from him was frequent but only on safe topics.  Visits were frequent.  Meeting up at the courts was frequent.

Middle of the month and we are approaching 7/15.  By this time, I thought strongly that OW1 was being weaned out of the picture.  Come to find out that appears to be true.  H goes out of town but not with OW1.....he went to meet OW2.

When it came to light (which I had suspected prior to this but didn't have proof), it was hurtful.  It brought up memories.  I slipped backwards a bit.  Lucky for me I have a great support group who let me talk it out.  They listened to me as my mind and my emotions were racing.  They kept me calm and level headed. 

Due to by lesson through MLC...instead of taking months to recover....it only took weeks to get my wits back.  No tears.  A bit of anger...anger at the lies vs him being open.  Anger at the secrets and the omissions which he admitted to.

At the end of it all, he told me that he is living daily with the hurt and pain he caused me.  First time this was ever admitted.

So since all of this has come to light....some bricks went back up by me for my protection.  He also put some more bricks up too.

Gone is our relaxed friendliness.  Gone is the frequent visits.  Gone is the help he came and did.  Gone is the ramdom visit to take a dip in the pool.

Family breakfast was still there this past week...don't know about future weeks.  He is still anchor checking...more through texts and snaps.  Less calls and visits.

I am ok with all of this.  Don't get me wrong, there was a part of me that hoped there was progress....but the truth is I knew all along that he was still deep in replay and it appears to be getting deeper again.  Going back into the darkness.

The paralyzed smile reappeared after the OW2 was outed.  The dark eyes.  The forgetting is back again now too.

Me....as I discussed with my friends, it appears there is some cake eating right now.  So I have to continue to do for me.  I have to back off and let him go and realize his family may not always be here for him.  I am waiting to respond to texts.  Last night he called and I took the call long enough to tell him I couldn't talk, the family was visiting.  The grandkids got to say HI....then it was too much chaos and the call ended.

I am back to giving him space.  At the same time, it is space that I need too.  I need to let go and let the hopes go until he is ready to fight his way out of replay.  Right now the woman he is drawn too is more important to him than his home, his dog, his family or his wife.  I know deep down that we are all important,,,jut the MLC drive is masking all the love for us and he is seeking instant gratification. 

He can have it....I want real...not fake or imitation.

I know in my heart that OW 2 is not gonna last either.  There is not the same drive or craziness as there was with OW1.  He is not looking to give up all to move to be with her (which is several hours away)  She is still married but separated and when you look at her FB pics, it appears that she may also be in MLC.  The eyes....the smile....the weight gain followed by intense gym visits and weight loss.  The leaving the H, a beautiful home, the pet she loves, the villification of her H.  He is a narcissist now...when 2 years ago he was the love of her life.   Yep...there is a possibility that a perfect storm has erupted with these two.

Anyhow, I just don't see the strong draw.  He goes to visit every 4 to 6 six weeks for 2 to 3 days then he comes back here to a life he has chosen and for now remains here. With OW 1, there was that magnetic draw that couldn't keep them apart.  He admitted to this. 

 Could this all change....sure could.  He could go off the deep end again and quit his job and move away again.  That is all his choice and he will have to live with the consequences.   Not me!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#64: August 07, 2020, 01:51:05 PM
Oh Sam! wow!

I sometimes wonder if exH has an ow2 as he is always avoiding the "so did you move out" from S23.
You sound great, glad you have such a great support group to help you through the tough moments. I just got caught up on your thread, as I have been MIA
for quite some time. The pandemic kept me busier than I thought. As I'm sitting here typing when I should be working. (haha)

I'm glad you are keeping your wits and keeping a strong head on and looking forward.
You are an inspiration!

Hugs!
Smiles
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#65: August 19, 2020, 11:53:23 AM
Mrs.  So good to hear from you!  I could hear joy and laughter in your voice as I read your follow up to my post.

So good to see you are happy and doing well also!  We have all come so far!  Amazing isn't it! 

Coming up on 3 years and I feel great.  Don't always like the sitch but I feel great!

I have some amazing friends via this group!  I wouldn't trade them (including you) for the world!

Take care!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#66: August 19, 2020, 12:15:37 PM
So this month I celebrated my 35th Wedding Anniversary and I did it my way!  Loved it!  Before I get to that....let's take a walk back in time....


Aug 2017:  H awoke before me on the day of our anniversary.  I found him sitting in the living room on his phone.  I figured he was playing games.  I was probably wrong about that.  I teased him and he was so serious.  Grumpy.  We had both overslept and I figured it had to do with that....nope....he was already thinking then of leaving me.  He was in his affair and at that time probably wanted to spend the day with OW and not me. 

Aug 2018:  Anniversary was not mentioned at all.  H was off living in another state after following OW out there the month before.  I had not heard from him except for one text confirming he was there and one call asking me to send him a PIN for his new debit card which he was having mailed to him at his address.  On Aug 9th, that all changed.  I rcvd a call from my daughter that her son wasn't breathing.  He had a seizure.  Settled down, then turned blue while she was holding him.  Her H rushed him outside away from her and started live-saving actions.  An ambulance was on its way.  No one knew what was happening....it was crazy.   I called H and told him what was going on.  He asked me to keep him up to date and he started bawling. 

We all rush to the hospital and after forever we were told that GS was gonna be ok.  Instead of calling H back, I texted.  His sister then called for the update and relayed it to him.

On August 10th (our anniversary), our granddaughter was born.  H was not around and did text a few times.  I didn't respond.  If he couldn't be there, I wasn't updating him.  My daughter told me to not tell him anything until she was ready and then she would fill him in.  I obeyed her wishes.

August 2019:  Granddaughter 1st Birthday.  There was a party.  H showed up but left early to go to work.  He couldn't stay the entire time because he didn't arrange to be off work for a special day.   It was odd.  I still remember how he hung close to me but didn't talk to me.  Where I say to eat, he sat across from me.  When I was up and moving, he was on my heels.  Such a strange thing for someone who had hardly talked to me except for the occasional pleasantries.

August 2020:  We had a small family dinner for G Daughter's birthday planned and H came to it.  He actually showed up early and helped me to go and get the food to bring home.  COVID has most restaurants shut down except take out.  So take out it was.  Not only did he help to pick it up, but he also helped to pay half the bill.  NICE!

He came back to the house and stayed for the rest of the afternoon with the family.  Swam with the kids.  Teased and played with them.  The only odd thing he did that day was rush in and turn on the TV to watch the news.  Odd because he had not done that in so long.  He even boasts about hardly watching TV and especially not the news.  This day....he did.  He talked to me and we kept it all too safe subjects.  No mention of the anniversary from him.  I didn't say anything either.  When he was leaving I did tell him that I was glad he was coming around and being involved with the family.  He got tight throated...said Me Too and left.

The only thing I have said repeatedly for the last month is that H does things that bring back memories of times soon after BD.  Strange things like he did back then....sitting and watching the news was just one of the examples.  There are many more but they elude me at this time.  Sometimes I just get a feeling of de Ja Vu and that feeling is I was here before and it was after BD.

Luckily for me...it is just a memory.  It is not evoking any of the emotions from after BD...but just a feeling like been here...seen this before.  Strange for me to feel it.

Overall, H is still being "friendly".  Calls to talk now and then and usually only about pickleball or the family.  Always safe topics and I let him carry the convo.  Other times it is a few texts and some days nothing at all.

Me....I am doing me and doing it well.  I have ventured out to other places to play PB.  Love meeting new people and playing different competition.

I am spending time with family during COVID.  I am spending more time at home yet I can't seem to manage to get all the work done because I end up getting into something fun today.  Tried to grow some flowers this year.  Not good!  A green thumb is something I don't have!  The only thing I managed to grow this year was a ton of weeds!

I still love H and I still hope he pulls through all of this...no matter what he does, I have developed a new life....new hobbies....new outlook and I love ME and I love my life!  All is good when you are not in La La Land!

Hope you are all well and staying safe from COVID!  Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#67: August 29, 2020, 11:35:12 AM
Sam -
Nice to catch up with you.
I'm so sorry about ow2 - seems to be a common thread amongst my friends.
You seem to be doing so well, and understanding that it's because he's not done, and still going through the process.... the seemingly never-ending process.
I miss our chats...  A friend asked about you yesterday (20th Century Girl).
Keep up your strong work, and have fun with your pb competitions.

Love and hugs,
Sea
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#68: August 30, 2020, 02:57:39 PM
Catching up Sam.  Sorry to hear about OW2 but you seem in a good place emotionally.  Kudos!
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#69: September 09, 2020, 12:13:42 PM
Hey Sea!  How are you doing?  Are you settled in after the move?  Call me sometime.  Best to text first as I have been playing PB 5 nights a week and loving every minute of it. 

Tell 20th I said Hello!  Hope all is well with her.  I have lost track of so many since I spend less and less time here.  I think about people a lot.  I just don't have the time to read up on things.  Guess that is what winter is for.  For now....I am outside as much as I possibly can be!  Days are getting shorter and shorter sadly!

When it comes to H...just sort of meh.  It is what it is.  He is gonna do what he is gonna do and I am gonna do what I am going to do for me!  I can't complain about my life.  I am happy!  Hope you are too!  Get in touch sometime!  Take care!  Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#70: September 09, 2020, 12:15:00 PM
Hello Faith!  Yours is one of the stories I have managed to stay up on.  Hope you are doing well.  You certainly sound like you are.  Keep enjoying life!  Do YOU!

Take care and stay safe!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#71: September 09, 2020, 01:16:15 PM
So another month is gone.  Wow.  Flew by.  Here is my September comparison.

Sept 2017 - H seemed mostly normal. Looking back, he was very busy and always riding his motorcycle.  Now I know why.  Hindsite is always 20/20.  A few times this month he was "grouchy" but blamed it on health issues.  I was not wise to anything.  We even scheduled a special date day.  I took off work.  We went  and did some special things that day.  All seemed normal.  Little did I know.

Sept 2018 - H had been gone for almost 2 mos.  We celebrate GS BDay on 9.5 and on 9.6 H is suddenly at his parents.  Couldn't come back in time for GS 1st b day party....but he was back.  I still recall when I saw his vehicle.  I was so mad that he came back for a visit and didn't bother to tell D.  I get why he couldn't or wouldn't tell me he was in town...but come on....visit D and GS while you are here.  A few hours later I realized he moved back....he belongings were all sitting on the in laws carport.  All the boxes he took....the motorcycle and the MOWER he was going to make money with.  MIL and SIL knew he was coming back.  A few friends also...but he snuck back as quietly as he left.  I was still invisible.  It was some time before he and I spoke.  I still let him do him.

This was the year I ran my first and last 5K.  I was told after the fact that H was spotted around town on his cycle several times on the route.  It was my first and I was extatic on not only finishing but doing so in a respectable time.  It was my last because I boogered my knee and running was done for unless I could stay to trails which are much softer for my old joints!

Sept 2019 - Honestly, I can't remember anything memorable about last year.  He came for a picnic and stayed longer than normal.  Oh...I know...he went to GS 2nd B Day Party.  He smiled and seemed near normal.  I actually have some pics of him with GS and it was a real smile.  It was awesome to see.  He didn't stay long but he hung out for awhile then left for work.

Sept 2020 - He is definately more in touch.  He visits more often and stays around more when the family is around.  Our communication revolves around PB.  He still wants to partner up.  He is working harder at getting better.  He ball hogged the other day and apologized for it and admitted it was wrong and we needed to talk more on the court.  He smiles and is happier when playing PB.  He came for Labor Day and he joins us for family meals when he is available.

Recently there was an issue with my parents and concern about a contractor.  He actually spoke to my Dad and helped with making a decision.  That was nice. 

He still talks about selling MC.  I found out that he was going to sell last year and SIL talked him out of it.  I do love that woman, but she really is an enabler.  Found out that she told him he would regret while at the same time she said she would miss rides too because her H used to take her for rides and now her bro does.  So....what was her real motive last year.  This year she admits he hardly rides and it is best to sell.  She also said she may buy her own so she can ride.  I support that! 

SIL also complained to me about how "tight" it is with H living there when she has company.  Told her that I have a guest room.  He can use it.  He volunteers to house and dog sit anytime I need/want to get away.  Afterwards, he gets really odd for a few days. 

OW 1 still lurking.  He was spotted with her at a local pizza shop.  SIS started to talk to him, OW1, glared at SIS and H started to walk away from OW1 and act like they were not together.  LOL.  Can't imagine that ride home.  OW 2 is still there too.  No recent visits but that could change anytime. 

ME - I am well.  Not a lot to say about me because I am just thriving and loving life.  What else is there to say.  I am pretty boring but I love my life.  This summer I spend time in the pool when I could.  Played PB as much as I could.  Made lots of new friends playing PB.  Heading up a new PB Club.  Traveling to other areas to play different competition and meet new people.  Hanging with family.  Spending time with Grandkids (and preparing to welcome the next one in Feb).

Recently I visited Kitty and we spent the weekend together.  Others were originally to join us but COVID put the kabashes to that.  So it was just us.

I read.  I am attending Sunday school and church online.  I work.  That is my least favorite part.  Work has a way of cutting into fun...but I need the money to have the fun.  All is good and I am happy!

I still hope H extracts his head from the nether region soon...but I am not gonna rush it.  Using this time for me.  In a way I am very free right now.  No need to cook or clean or be responsible to anyone or anything I don't want to take on.  I am enjoying it for now. 

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#72: September 13, 2020, 10:09:37 AM
Great update Sam!

I like reading your comparisons.  Very interesting and makes me curious what mine might look like.
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#73: September 20, 2020, 01:40:55 PM
Caught up! Good to be up to date with your story.

You sound good Sam but isn’t this so sad. Anyway good to read your comparisons and hope he can get his act together soon but who knows. I am one year ahead of you and I feel
like we are fairly similar. It’s nice to be getting through it.

Glad things are not quite like they were
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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#74: October 08, 2020, 12:34:28 PM
Faith - Going back in time is the only way I know there is change.  There is such slow movement that day to day nothing seems to change but year to year.  Wow.  Especially with how I feel from year to year.  Guess that is something I should concentrate more on.  Now only how he changed but how did I. 
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#75: October 08, 2020, 12:36:38 PM
Rose:  As always....you sound good!  I see such strength in you!  As for H....I am meh....it will happen when it happens.  For now...I am good.

I do have a life I love and he needs to Poop or get off the Pot.  I think his head being up in the nether region is blocking his flow....so on the Pot he sits and off to live I go.

Stay healthy and hope COVID is lessening in your neck of the world!   Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#76: October 08, 2020, 12:55:05 PM
Changes....lets start with me.

2020 - I am well despite the world crisis.  I am lucky to have a stable business.  I had to work harder while employees were working from home covering two offices and running back and forth.  They are back and we are all working from the offices but keeping our doors locked and doing as much via technology options as we can.

I am still living at our home and taking care of it mostly on my own.  It's a chore but I promised myself when I left that I would take care of things and not let them fall apart.  So my pride keeps me going even when I would rather play than do chores.

I have many friends that I keep up with on a regular basis.  Less going out and hanging with them due to covid, but we still manage things here and there.

I feel so strong and I have made so many good changes over the years.  I love me.  I love everything about me.  I love the choices I am making for me.  Is there still a hole from where H used to be part of my life....sure is....but it is no longer a painful hole.  An ache at the most.  Something I can live with yet something I hope will one day be remedied.

I still get occasional triggers....but now when I get them...they don't cause anxiety.  Instead I look at them and say....Aha!  That is something I need to handle and guess what....I face it and I deal with it. Then I am able to let it go.  The past pops up now and then but it doesn't haunt me....it helps heal me!

For now, I see how messed up H is and I really do prefer to not have him dragging me into his mire.

2019:  Me last year.  Still had more pain than ache.  Still wished for H to get his act together.  I was doing things but but from what I recall there was more of a nagging...I wish H was part of this type of nagging.  The wishing he was still part of my life kind of thing.  This year....now it is more....Sucks to be him...look at what he is missing.

2018:  Coming up on first BD.  I was ok.  H had been back in town for a bit over a month but I was invisible.  He stopped by the house at times but never told me.  I knew because things were moved.  I was still in a much better place than the year beforehand but no where near as well off as I am now.

2017:  Year of BD....I was a sobbing hot mess.  What can I say.....the weeks leading up to BD...H was a biddy.  Snippy and grouchy and not the nicest.  I wrote it all off because he complained of being tired and his pain from an ailment.  Liar Liar pants on fire.  Oh boy...if I only didn't have the blinders on then.

So that is my review of the past me vs the current me.  I hate all that I have been through, yet when I look at where I am....it has been a worthwhile journey.  I can't see how I would have ever gotten here with the launching of MLC.  I wish it could have been different....sadly I didn't know better and neither did H so we ended up in this big hot mess but right now I am the one coming out on top
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#77: October 08, 2020, 01:14:17 PM
Changes for H over the years:

Oct 2017:  H was a grumpy SOB this month.  We went on vacation and he was happy with the fam....but he was rude and sarcastic to me most of the time.  It didn't get better once we got home.  He blamed being grumpy on physical ailments.  I remember him being more rejecting of me.  Less physical.  More rude.  I had blinders on and never suspected.  I believed and trusted him. 

BD was 10.29.2017.....A Day in History but it is no longer a day I rue.  Although it stinks and I was devasted at the time, I somehow managed to use it to my advantage and using it to make me better.  I could gripe all day long about the unfairness but that does me no good.  H chose to be a tunnel rat and off to another world he went and still lives in Never Never Land.  My feet....still firmly planted!

October 2018:  H has been home now since sneaking back in Sept.  He comes and goes from the house when I am not around.  Not doing chores....not messing with things.  I know he was in and out of the safe several times.  More guns keep appearing but none disappear.  Other than the one time he came by to help close the pool and help SIL trim trees...I was invisible.  Pretty much no communication.  He was living in his parents house with them. 

I remember driving by on my way home from work one day and he turned his back and gave me a half hearted waive.  That just showed me how things really were.  Couldn't even face me from a distance and waive. 

October of 2019:  Quiet honestly, I don't remember a lot about him from last year.  He was coming around a bit more.  There was more communication than the year before but nothing to really write home about.  He would pop his head up and chant and then disappear for days and days and days.  Long periods of time with little to no communication.  I do recall he came around on the day of BD anniversary #2.  I took the day off to do things for me.  I got a massage and I was painting the outside trim of the house.  He was off.  Drove by....stopped in to chat then picked up a paint brush and stayed several hours helping me finish the trim.  I remember some convos where his mind seemed to be racing.  Changing subjects to something before barely finishing the prior story.  He had my head swirling. 

October of 2020:  Thus far, H is still communicating with me.  Much more regular than years prior.  Now he reaches out for a few days then takes off a day or two.  It is not as good as it was in August....I sometimes feel like he is distancing again.  There are times when his actions feel like deja vu....back to just after BD.  I have learned to asking little to nothing.  Smile, nod and let him do and say what he is going to do and say.

PB is a big reason that he reaches out to me.  I get videos on things he is watching and he shares them with me.  Some are really helpful.  Some I could care less about.  PB is the one area he feels safe talking to me about.

I notice he is going back to texting more and more.  A few months past, he would pick up the phone...now it is back to texting.  That is ok with me.  I respond just as he does when he reaches out.

Big happening this month:  OW1 who has never really never been out of the picture is suddenly posting pictures of her  and H on FB.  Amazing how there was nothing for 3 years and now there is suddenly pics popping up.  Does H know...don't know....he has FB shut off.  I can only hope that she is feeling a strain in their relationship.  Between H being more in contact with me, OW 2 lurking and OW1 getting less and less attention....I hope she is getting desparate.

BTW H didn't go and visiting OW 2 in Sept as he planned.  Will have to see what October brings but no trips planned that I am aware of right now.  Time will tell!

So things are still changing with H.  For the better....too early to tell.  I just gotta focus on me as I have been doing and still take things day by day and wait and see what the future brings!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#78: October 29, 2020, 10:19:46 AM
Special Edition Journaling Today:

Today is my Bombaversary.  Three Years!  Wowsa!

How do I feel?   Honestly...I feel great.  I knew today was creeping up.  Last year I scheduled to take today off.  Do something special for me.  This has been what I do for since Bombaversary #1.

#1:  I kept busy all day long.  Made sure I had no downtime to drown in my own sorrows.

I had a morning massage followed by lunch with Sis.  We had a great afternoon together.  Then I headed to D's house and had supper with her and fam and stayed until time for Gr Kids to go to bed.  Then home.  It was overall a good day.  I believe there may have been a few moments where I wanted to cry.  Can't remember if I did or didn't.  I just know it was not a wasted day for me.

#2:  I started the day out with a massage again.  Supper was planned with a friend.  In between, I planned to do some work at the house.  I was outside painting trim when H stopped by.  He actually helped me paint for a few hours.  I remember him being really nervous when he got there.  Relaxed when he left.  We didn't talk much.  I never brought up the day.  A very short time later he told my sister he knew he left 2 years ago but he was messed up and had to take care of himself and that he loved me but.....

#3:  I planned on taking the day off.  Due to Covid, nothing is open so why bother.  I canceled my day off and took half a day instead.  I picked up GS from school to help out D and give me a few mins with him.  Tonight I'll go play some PB but this afternoon I am working and saving my time for another day.

So today is just another day.  Over the last few years, the significance of today has been lost.  I still know it was BD day.  I still remember that pain that day and the turmoil that followed.  However, I also recognize that I am now a much better person and I continue to become a better person all the time. 

I miss H.  Not the H I see now.  I miss the man I fell in love with in 1984!  However, I also see the regrowth of the person I had slowly killed off over the years.  I quit on me.  Never quit on my family or my marriage....I quit on me.  I see that now.  I devalued myself and overvalued everyone else.  I wasn't well balanced.

Now...I have that balance.  I really do love the person I have become!  I hate what has happened....but I am loving the results.

I hope if anyone new into your journey is readying or anyone who is stagnant in your journey is reading this....do your self a favor....forget about MLC.  Forget about H...concentrate on you.  Do you for you!  Make yourself happy.  Value yourself and realize how important you are to others and you don't need to prove it all the time.  Most of all.....find yourself.  Find the person you were always destined to be and make that the best person you know.

I beg you to get over the sorrow.  Let the bitterness go.  Learn what is important to you.  Show your strength and grow.  With the right attitude....you can use this as a launching bad to be better than ok.

Lastly......time really is your friend.  Three years ago I could never have imagined being where I am today.  I am happy.  I am growing.  I am accepting it.  I am not only living life to the fullest but thriving while I do it!  You can do.  It is all in your mindset.  I got here ONE day at a time over time.  You can to.  Everyone can if you look for the positives.  Learn and grown and become the best person you can be. 

I wish everyone out there well and hope you stay safe during these troublesome times!  -Sam-
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#79: October 29, 2020, 12:28:57 PM
Hi Sam

Your BD is around mine and I just read your update and nodded along, specially this part.
Quote
I hope if anyone new into your journey is readying or anyone who is stagnant in your journey is reading this....do your self a favor....forget about MLC.  Forget about H...concentrate on you.  Do you for you!  Make yourself happy.  Value yourself and realize how important you are to others and you don't need to prove it all the time.  Most of all.....find yourself.  Find the person you were always destined to be and make that the best person you know.

Some days I read threads of people who are starting their journey and I see the usual comments/questions I often had "I'm not sure I'm handling this right when I said X or Y" "How do I show I'm slipping away?" "How do I pave the way?" Reading everything that was to be read about MLC like I was going to learn so "trick" that could make things better.. It really doesn't matter, does it? There is no magic trick.. Looking after ourselves and focus on what we can and cannot control/influence is key.. Our MLCers are not in any of those categories..

It takes a long time to accept that and while I sometimes find myself feeling shocked still (3 years in!) I'm very glad to realize I left behind the raw pain, the anxiety and the belief that there was anything I could do to fix the unfixable. Nobody in their right mind would choose what we all went through here but it is up to us to make the most of this new "unwanted" life we have.

Very happy to see how well you are doing! Stay safe
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H - 44 (40 @BD1)
M - 44 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!!!

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#80: October 30, 2020, 04:23:44 AM
Some days I read threads of people who are starting their journey and I see the usual comments/questions I often had "I'm not sure I'm handling this right when I said X or Y" "How do I show I'm slipping away?" "How do I pave the way?" Reading everything that was to be read about MLC like I was going to learn so "trick" that could make things better.. It really doesn't matter, does it? There is no magic trick.. Looking after ourselves and focus on what we can and cannot control/influence is key.. Our MLCers are not in any of those categories..

This should be taped on the mirror of EVERY LBS ......
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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#81: November 06, 2020, 10:02:50 PM
Such good advice Sam
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#82: December 04, 2020, 10:59:40 AM
One Day:  So good to hear from you!  How are you doing?  Hope you are well!  Keep taking care of yourself and stay safe!

Quote
There is no magic trick.. Looking after ourselves and focus on what we can and cannot control/influence is key..


You are right.  There is no magic trick.  However, the magic is in us when we finally stop with the BS and trust and believe in ourselves.  Once we get ourselves on the right path then that is when the magic begins to happen!  It happens for US!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#83: December 04, 2020, 11:00:38 AM
Hi UM....hope you are well!

I agree with you!  Good advice from ODAAT!

Take care of you and stay safe!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1747
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#84: December 04, 2020, 11:01:51 AM
FW:  You amaze me!  Your strength exudes our of you and into your words on this forum.  I am a bit behind but I still try to keep up with your story and I am wishing you well!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1747
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Changed. Change. Changing!
#85: December 04, 2020, 11:22:30 AM
Hi all...just popping in a bit.  Been thinking weeks on what to come here and say and there really isn't much.  The further I get from BD, the less and less I recall.  Healing?  Old age?  Both?  Either way it is a good thing!

  So here is a short recap:

Nov/Dec 2017:  After BD, H was totally avoiding me and family.  Skipped holidays with us.  Came to visit for leftovers and see Grandson a bit...otherwise...nothing.  Got a text for my birthday that said Sorry I ruined your life.

Nov/Dec 2018:  Came by the house briefly for the holidays but never stayed long.  Had to go to OWs and spend time with her and family.  He did sneak a gift into the house for me.  A battery starter.  Ha Ha!  Woke up to a Happy Birthday text that came in over night.

Nov/Dec 2019:  H spent both holidays with us.  Don't recall him running off but he wasn't super attentive either from what I recall. Did seem happier at Christmas and interacted with family some.   His sister invited me to in laws for Christmas night snacks.  I went and enjoyed myself.  Left early because I did feel a bit out of place but still happy to be invited.  Got a Happy Birthday text soon after waking up.

Nov 2020:  Spent birthday eve with H and D's family.  He bought supper and said it was my Birthday present.  Called me the next day and wished me a happy birthday.  Never got the Pickleball socks he told me he was buying me months ago.  Would have preferred the socks over supper but I enjoyed family time with all of us together.
Thanksgiving....he stayed all day long but he was back to spending a lot of time on his phone playing mindless games.  He and SIL palled around together.  We were missing 4 people because of exposure to COVID....but we still had a great time.  He and SIL ran an errand and put together the grandkids outside toy.  For Christmas, I dont' know what will happen yet.  He hasn't asked my plans and I have not shared.  Am I invited to in laws?  Don't know.  Time will tell.  He can come to the events I am having at the house.  His decision.  One nice thing this year is that he is not only helping to pay for Christmas presents but also giving me input on what to get for the grandkids.  I am presenting him with options and asking for input and he is providing it. 

Overall, things are still weird to say the least.  I feel like things are slowly going backwards.  He is getting quieter again.  Less calls with texting instead.  More mindless games.  Shark eyes are more prominent again.  He is dressing up more.  Button down shirts, loafers vs t shirts and sneakers.  More forgetful.  Even his sister is commenting on it.  Less real smiles and more of the "stroke" smiles coming out again.  Which really isn't a smile at all.  Sense of humor which started to make a comeback has gone again too.  Less attentive to the house.  Possibly more gambling again.

It feels a lot like the time soon after BD but without all the pain for me.

So that is what I have observed with H.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#86: December 04, 2020, 11:42:12 AM
Now the update on me.

I am doing great.  I have taken some leaps in my growth again recently.  Found more triggers that brought out anxiety and fear and doubt and faced them head on.  I came out the winner by dealing with them.  Each time I do this....I feel a foot taller.  Ha Ha!  If only I could grow taller!

Detachment is growing by leaps and bounds.  More and more there is a MEH attitude for his MLC shennanigans.  Just think to myself...ok...whatever...I am gonna keep doing me....and I do just that.  Lack of calls, visits, texts....its ok.  I have my life to live.

I feel him backing away and becoming more distant and there was a time this would have freaked me out.  Now it doesn't.  I see it as a part of the process.  He has to get his crap dealt with.  I am really getting insight into him and I really don't like what I see right now.  Don't get me wrong.  My heart breaks for him but he has to figure it out and face it.  Once he does he will get better too.

I am missing pickleball right now.  COVID has shut us down again.  Can only play outside and it is in the 30's and 40's in my neck of the woods and that is not conducive to outside play.  Besides being cold....the balls break to quickly!  Bummer.

So I have to get myself back into walking again.  Maybe some trail running again....if my knee can handle it. 

COVID is hitting the local area hard right now.  We are all doing our best to not shut down but with hospitals at near capacity...things are not looking good at all.  Schools are cyber only again and will reconsider after the new year.  Winter sports have been halted.  Just a sad state of affairs right now.

No matter....I am staying safe.  I have my bubble of family and friends and they are my concern.  The rest will all work itself out in time.

Lastly, a bit of news was dropped on me but it doesn't get my hopes up.  Just the opposite in a way.  I stayed neutral and realized that it may or may not be true and it doesnt change anything because his MLC is still in progress.

I was advised that H and OW1 had broken up but they are still friends.  She was pretty much out of the picture and then she got sick so H felt sorry for her and is taking her to her treatments.    So she is still in the picture.  I knew this.  There is also OW2 hanging out too.  Still don't really know what that is all about and it is not my problem to solve.  When it is all over, I prefer to hear it from the horses mouth when HE is ready to deal with it! 

Until then....rumors!

So, I wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas!  Please stay safe!  When it hits close to home, the COVID is scary!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

M
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#87: December 04, 2020, 03:03:10 PM
Nice to hear an update from you, Sam. Glad you're doing well and safe. Have a happy Christmas yourself.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#88: December 04, 2020, 05:11:58 PM
Hey Sam, great to hear from you.  Thank you for saying I'm strong.  Some days I don't feel very strong at all.  Lately, I've felt like pieces of me have been shattered and have exploded far, far, away all around the country/earth and I'm having a hard time finding all the pieces.  But I still persist, and I guess that's something.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#89: December 30, 2020, 09:14:04 AM
Milly...nice to hear from you!  Christmas was awesome!  Hope yours was too!

Happy New Years!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#90: December 30, 2020, 09:15:44 AM
Faith -  Sorry sorry to hear about your "explosion"   Persistence is good in my opinion!  You are forging onward and upward!  You got this!  Keep fighting and I believe you will find all your pieces and put them where they belong!

Hope you had a great Christmas!  Happy New Years to you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1747
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#91: December 30, 2020, 09:27:55 AM
Hello All....Are you ready to a New Year?  I am!  Hopefully one with less Covid...less lockdowns...less closures! 

Update on Me:

Had a great Christmas.  My family was all together.  It was awesome!

This morning I was thinking....this is one of the best Christmas's I have had in a long time.  Why....well, I think a lot of it had to do with Covid.

Due to Covid, I didn't waste time shopping...I did it online and had stuff shipped.  I was less harried because I couldn't go anywhere or do anything.  My wrapping was done early.  Tree was up and decorated early.  Normally by this time, I want the tree down and I want the house back to Pre-Christmas state...this year...my tree is still up.  I sit in front of it everything morning and evening while it is dark and just enjoy it.  Covid forced me to SLOW way down and I actually did enjoy it.

I live by the fact that with every negative there is a positive.  Always...this i the thing that kept getting me through since BD.  Finding small positives while my world was blowing up.

Well, here is a positive to covid.  Not only did it slow me down, but I really made me appreciate time with family.  My parents have been living at their cabin...3 hours away...so their short visit is important but also very important is that they are safely tucked away in the mountains!

Other things in my life are well.  I have no complaints.  When I think back over the last 3 plus years....I realize how much I needed this.  I don't like how it came about, but I really did have some issues I didn't realize and I did need the kick in the butt to get me straightened out.

I also realized today that I no longer need my marriage.   Key word here is NEED.  I WANT my marriage to H to make it through this.  However, I don't NEED my H or my marriage to define who I am anymore.  I am me.  Take it or leave it.  Like me or hate me....no matter what, the sun is going to rise again tomorrow and I pray to God that I am here to see it happen.

So that is a wrap on me.  I am living life as best as I can at this time and I am making it the best possible life it can be no matter what the circumstances.

Happy New Years to Everyone! 

~Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#92: December 30, 2020, 09:58:49 AM
Update on H:

Christmas 2020:  H came by Christmas eve.  Last year he interacted somewhat.  This year, he sat and kept playing games on his phone.  He was so engrossed that he didn't know what was happening around him.  When someone tried to talk to him, they had to get his attention fully or it appeared he was ignoring you. 

He seems to be going backwards again in this aspect.  It so reminds me of his visits shortly after BD.  He would be there in body only. 

Christmas Day he rode along to go have breakfast and see the grandkids.  Dropped me off at home and then he disappeared from the 25th until the 28th when he surfaced again.  Doing what?  Who knows.  During that time, I got special time with the Grandkids.  We played and had slumber parties and he was off in la la land.



As for New Years...we will wait and see what happens.  He hasn't brought it up and neither have it.  I am playing lunch on 1.1 as I always do.  He will either decide to come or ask about it or he won't.  Time will tell!  No matter what he decides to do...I am going to have a great time with family!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#94: December 30, 2020, 12:32:16 PM
Thanks for sharing! :-) Glad to hear you are doing so well!
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#95: January 11, 2021, 08:23:22 PM
I'm glad you had a good Christmas, Sam.

I hope your 2021 has been good so far as well.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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  • Posts: 1747
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#96: January 29, 2021, 12:23:50 PM
Changing for the good!

Whenever things come to me, it always seems to happen at the oddest of times and places.  Usually in the shower or while driving!

Today while running a very short errand, it dawned on my how much I have changed.

Looking back....I don't recognize the person I was before all this started.

I realized that I scurried through life and never really savored it.

I lived frantically and was always a "people pleaser".  I was always bouncing around and although I loved my life, I wasn't enjoying my life.  Things always seemed to never get done or done so hastily that there was no enjoyment to it all.

Covid has forced me to slow down and I don't mind it at all.  I am taking time to really enjoy moments.

I can look back with honesty and say that I wasn't a bad person before MLC struck home but I wasn't the best person I could be either.

In many ways, I don't like the person I was anymore.  I always lived stressfully because I gave to much of me to everyone else without slowing down to recharge my own batteries and do for me.

I am a simple person but I do need down time.  Something I have discovered.  I need time to literally do nothing for short spurts of time. 

Looking back I see tremendous growth within myself.  My temper that used to be at the forefront of stressful times is now pretty much non existant.  I have mellowed.  I have really learned how to live with NOT having control of every instance of my life and it really makes life more satisfying!

In short....I love life!  I love my life!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1747
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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#97: January 29, 2021, 12:39:12 PM
Changes with H:

I actually had to look back to remember where things were the last few years.  None of it seems as important anymore.  Either that or my aging brain just can't remember anymore.  Maybe a bit of both!  haha

Jan 2018 - H was living the life with OW 1
Jan 2019 - H was moving in with sister and he still resides there
Jan 2020 - H appeared to be making some more positive changes.   More interactions.  Shorter times in between.  More smiles.  Sometimes he almost appeared happy.
Jan 2021 - H appears to be sliding backwards.  There are still interactions and still gaps.  He is spending more time with family.  Gone is the smile.  It is just gone.  Ask him to smile and we are back to the "STROKE GRIN" where he attempts to smile but it really doesn't work.

Memory....what memory.  He can't remember anything.  Even his sister sees it and puts notes around to remind him of things.  Like, don't forget your lunch.  She appears more and more to have stepped into the roll of MOM.  I even commented on it one time and he agreed with me.  Even said he teases sis about it and she gets upset.  Yet that is the roll she is fulfilling right now.  The mothering hen.  H checks in with her all the time.  Cra Cra behavior to say the least.

His alcohol consumption is also on the rise.  Drinking almost nightly so he can get some sleep but then he drinks too much and can't sleep.  Hmmm

I look at H and I see a shell of a person at times.  He is back heavy into phone games.  The news is becoming a big part of the background noise.  I see no confidence in him. 

There are times it feels like he is just avoiding.  Imagine that.  Avoiding coming from and MLCer.  Yet I feel that if he made contact during these times, that he would catch my Cooties. 

One big step forward is that he seems to want to be around the grandkids more.  Doesn't always interact but he is making attempts to see them weekly.  He will occasionally ask D about them and how they are doing.

So, overall compared to last year....there seems to be  backslide in his over demeanor.  Less glimpses of happiness.  More sullen is probably the best way I can explain his behavior.  He is just there like a bump on the log.

As for out interactions....all I can say is that it is a good thing we have the common ground of PB.  He always finds a way to talk to me about PB.  Not much else but he will talk  and talk and talk about PB.  I guess it is a start to finding other things to talk about someday. 

Hope you are all well.  Thanks for listen to me update!

Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#98: January 29, 2021, 07:49:26 PM
Glad to read an update Sam.  You are doing well!  I still find it interesting that you and H have PB as a common hobby.  If I'm not mistaken, neither one of you had that interest before BD?
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#99: January 30, 2021, 09:32:46 AM
Hello,

What do you attribute the mood swings to? Lack of sleep and drinking? The inability to remember things? Part of MLC is loss of memory. My ex would forget everything and leave pots and pans to boil over again and again.

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I look at H and I see a shell of a person at times.  He is back heavy into phone games.  The news is becoming a big part of the background noise.  I see no confidence in him.

What shattered his confidence was he strong before? There is a lot of things at play. Did OW2 disappear? It seems odd that he would be in the place to have anyone in his life due to his current state. Also, Covid has been a big downer for all of us. Is that a factor as well?

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One big step forward is that he seems to want to be around the grandkids more.  Doesn't always interact but he is making attempts to see them weekly.  He will occasionally ask D about them and how they are doing.

This is positive news. Just hope that he continues to make those connections. That is part of the road back.

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I guess it is a start to finding other things to talk about someday.

Yes it is and remember this is a journey for both of you.

Thanks for the update and have a fantastic weekend!

(((((Ready)))))
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#100: February 01, 2021, 11:20:58 AM
Faith....Regarding Pickleball

Neither of us played beforehand.  Looking back, our common interests was the family and the kids activities.  We centered our lives around doing for them. 

We become empty nesters just before BD.

Looking back, that was one of our flaws.  We never really did for us.  We didn't put ourselves first or our desires.

I don't regret pouring our all into the kids as we have awesome kids but we could have done that and also found time for ourselves. 

So yes, we now have a common ground of pickleball.  H actually started before I did by about 6 mos.  He actually invited me to go and play back in Feb/Mar of 2019.  This was following a time when I didn't hear or see of him often, then he started to poke around a bit.  A few more texts, a few calls and PB opened the door for us to see each other a few times a month.

Now, we play in tournaments together....all by his request.  We ride together to the different venues to play 1 or 2 times a week.  He calls to talk about PB.  He shares PB training videos because he knows I want to get better and he watches and knows my weaknesses.  He talks about going on PB vacations to a warmer climate where we can play for an entire week and get lessons too.  Just last night he talked about going an hour away to play in an area that just built courts so we can play other people.  Said about doing this once a week on our joint day off.

What is strange about it.....at pickleball still proclaims to be my husband.  He lists me as his emergency contact.  He talks about me as "his wife".  It is really strange to stand back and hear these things or have other people approach me and say "I was talking to your husband about....".    It is another fantasy world in a way.  It is his fantasy of still being happily married.  Then we leave there, he drops me off and back to reality as he drives away.   It is a strange world.

While driving to and from PB, he talks but not about anything important.  Work, PB, family and such.  Never ever us.  Never ever our relationship or his hopes and dreams and desires or even anything about him at all.  While at PB, he is attentive.  Plays with me.  Talks to me.  Gives me feedback to help me improve.  Blah blah blah.  Occassionally there is physical contact.  A high five or a pat on the bum for a job well done.

I sit back and as odd as it is, I hope that this is also when he can get to see the new me.  I play pickleball for me.  I go and play without him all the time.  I have expanded my circle of friends and him following me to the different venues is broadening his friendships.  Pre BD, I didn't have the confidence to do these things.  Now....you can't stop me.  I do PB for me because of my love of the game.  No matter the outcome with him....I have PB until the day I can't play physically anymore.

So, I guess this is what they talk about when they say they live with their feet in two different worlds.

He has his PB wife and then the other times....he gets to live his life without me.  The majority of the time, I don't exist much outside of PB.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#101: February 01, 2021, 05:48:28 PM
Ready, 

You ask some very good questions.  Most I can't answer but I'll give it a shot....



What do you attribute the mood swings to?

I have really no idea what is causing his mood swings.  I HOPE that it is him slowly starting to face things.  Him dealing with realizations of the life he has chosen.  He shares nothing with me, so all I can do is guess but I can be totally wrong too.

Lack of sleep and drinking?

Lack of sleep and the use of alcohol to try to sleep mostly likely could be the depression part of MLC.  My Mom suffers from depression and when she is in one of her moods, she can either stay up for hours upon end or sleep for hours.  Here again, it is only a guess.  I see the alcohol use as an avoidance tactic.  Dulls his senses to try to sleep but then he over drinks and can't sleep. 

The inability to remember things?  Part of MLC is loss of memory. My ex would forget everything and leave pots and pans to boil over again and again.

BAD Memory = Depression.  Here again, I turn to experiences with my Mom.  When her depression is at the worse, so is her memory.  She tried to commit suicide one time.  My Dad found her and just the ropes around her neck and saved her.  I got there and said she is going to the ER.  Mom had no idea why.  She had rope burns around her neck and when I told her she needed to be checked out for the attempted suicide, she argued with me that she never attempted suicide.  Showed her the rope burns and got the infamous BLANK STARE.  She didn't know what caused them.  Then she turned and blamed my Dad for trying to hurt her.  Then she tried to attack me when I tried to call and ambulance.  She suffers from Bi Polar Depression so we get the extemems but the base is still depression.   There is so much more I could tell you about memory failure.  She looses total time frames during depression.  I see the same with H.

He can't remember convos we had about important things.  He can't remember to grab his dufflebag when he leaves the house.  There is an endless list of things he can't remember.

For a bit last year,  the memory was getting better...now it is getting worse again. 


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I look at H and I see a shell of a person at times.  He is back heavy into phone games.  The news is becoming a big part of the background noise.  I see no confidence in him.

What shattered his confidence was he strong before?

He was always very confident.  I admired it in him because I lacked it.  He could go anywhere and make friends with anyone.  He could make friends with a grizzly bear...he was just that amicable.  When he walked into a room, he owned it.  Never afraid to try anything.  He exuded confidence.  What shattered it?  I don't know.  Could it be that he is living a life of lies.  Could it be that part of MLC where he regressed back to times in his life where confidence was not as strong.  Who knows....but he is no longer the fun loving, exuberant man who could make me laugh.  His sense of humor disappeared with his confidence.

His lack of confidence now is different.  I guess that he seems to lack the gumption to have confidence.  I feel like we have changed places.  I am now the one that walks into the room and owns it.  I introduce myself to others.  Then I introduce him to them.  It used to be the other way around.  He now walks in and melts into the room instead of owning it.  Does that make sense.
 He waits for others to approach vs being the one to approach.  He is more passive now.


There is a lot of things at play. Did OW2 disappear? It seems odd that he would be in the place to have anyone in his life due to his current state. Also, Covid has been a big downer for all of us. Is that a factor as well?

OW1 and OW2 are still in play but I really don't know much about either.  OW1 just made some pictures of them public in social media.  This after H told sister it was over between them.  I know this because some friends creep and share but then just recently I saw her like SIL comment on IG.  What is strange is that for the last 3 years, I couldn't see anything she did.  She had be blocked.  Now suddenly I can see her profile and there is a pic of the lovely couple....H and OW1 as a profile pic.  She did the same for FB.    So what is the status of OW1....well she is still there in some way shape and form but I have no idea how in-depth it is.  Of course this is nothing I can discuss with H.  I have to go about life living knowing all this.

As for OW 2, yes she is still there too.  There are still trips 5 hours away to visit.  She is still married and her H posts things on her FB page linking her.  I have no idea if this is a PA, and EA or just the perfect MLC storm where 2 MLCers are using each other to vent.  I find it amazing that H is the one that has to go there all the time.  She still has family here, but never comes here.  He appears to be a puppet to the OWs.   This is just my opinion as I don't really know their status. 

That is something I seen since the beginning.  He was always at the beck and call of OW1.  She said jump....he jumped.  I literally saw this.  He was here one day visiting grandson.  He got a text and said he had to go and ran out of the house.  Literally ran and jumped into his car.  I was curious and looked at the phone record.  A call came in 2 minutes after he left from the OW.  I know she was at work so I think she was on break because the call lasted exactly 15 minutes.  It was very urgent that when that text came in....he was available and being here visiting...he was not.  I also know of times that he called to talk.  Would tell me he ran out for coffee.  This is while living with the OW1.  He had to sneak behind her back to talk to me then and he is doing it now too.

I never ever saw this behavior in our relationship.  He was never ever at my beck and call and I couldn't do that to someone unless it was a paid employee.  It was always strange to see him no longer be his own man with his own life.

As for COVID, no idea how it is affecting him.  Doesn't really seem to affect him other than now he has to drink at home and not at the corner bar and then drive home.  That I am thankful for.  Other than that, we live in a rather isolated area as is.  Dining out is a thing of the past.  Pickleball is modified to be played with masks.  Work with masks.  We all seem to adapt to this way of life for now.

As for having relationships....I don't think of us as having a relationship.  There is no true sharing.  He just doesn't share or say much but he can talk and talk and talk.  He can quickly blow an hour and say nothing.  Very shallow subjects.  I feel like a sounding board only.  Does he do this with others?   Possibly.  I don't know.  If he does do this with others, then they don't see he is not having a relationship with them either.   I feel like he is keeping everyone tethered.  Doesn't really want a relationship but doesn't want to end up alone either.  What he doesn't realize with me is that I am not tethered.  I was at one time but now that itty bitty string could be severed and I'll keep moving forwarded.
 
 
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One big step forward is that he seems to want to be around the grandkids more.  Doesn't always interact but he is making attempts to see them weekly.  He will occasionally ask D about them and how they are doing.

This is positive news. Just hope that he continues to make those connections. That is part of the road back.

I agree and all the grandkids love him.  They look forward to his visits so for their sake alone I hope he keeps it up.  Yesterday he was visiting and took the youngest (2 weeks) and help him for about 2 hours and fed him and then he was attentive and played with the other two and then POOF...said he had to go and left. 

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I guess it is a start to finding other things to talk about someday.
Yes it is and remember this is a journey for both of you.

I couldn't agree more!   Take care of yourself! 

Thanks for the update and have a fantastic weekend!

(((((Ready)))))
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#102: February 11, 2021, 10:32:49 AM
Great to ready your update Sam, and that you’re doing so well.
You’re navigating this strange “relationship” so well - “PB wife”...

Keep up the great work.
You’r crushing life and have grown so much.

Hugs
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#103: March 08, 2021, 12:30:53 PM
Me changing for the GOOD!

Hello all!  In the last month, things have gone crazy around me. (not to me but to those around me I care for)

-There was a car accident but everyone walked away.  Whew!
-My mom took an ambulance ride to the hospital with heart issues and spent some time relaxing in ICU.  They found the issue and working on it.
-Grand daughter took a header off the couch while jumping and running and lost her 2 front teeth.  Required a trip to the ER also.
-H got hurt at work and needs surgery.  He also visited the ER....without me.  He had his SIS.
-I boogered up my knee years ago and basically wore it out and know I need a new one.
-H decided he didn't want me around for the surgery and instead is taking someone else with him.


So how this changed me....these events didn't but all the Mirror Work I have done leading up to this point is where the changes were shining through.

Prior to BD...any one of these would have sent me for a loop.  Anxiety would have plagued me.  I would have fretted and worried and tried to fix and control. 

Now....Everyone is going to be ok.  That is all that matters.  Car is replaced.  Mom is on the mend.  GD is only 2 so it was only her baby teeth anyhow and she is proudly showing them off along with the $20 the tooth fairy gave her.  H will be ok in 6 to 12 mos.  Me...I'll be fine except when traveling and trying to go through metal detectors.  I'll forever have to carry a card with me telling everyone that part of me is fake.  My knee is anyhow!  LOL!

We are all ok and these things are not gonna set us back.  Except for H....he is going backwards.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#104: March 08, 2021, 12:58:19 PM
Changes with H:

Well he is going backwards.  He has been gently sliding backwards.  Backwards to what...I don't know. 

There are times that he feels cold and distant like after BD.  Are we cycling back to early replay?  Most hard core replay activities have settled down a bit.  Bike riding is not as fun anymore but SIS won't let him sell the bike.  Drinking....he has pretty much been a covert drinker and covid has solidified this with most bars being closed.  Gambling...yes but it seems more controled.  Like he self imposed limits.  Still gambling but not gambling away his entire paycheck.  He is saving now too.  Clothes....he went Hard Core into HD attire, now he is mostly normal.  Music...all over the place...recently I noticed he is listening to a lot of 70s and 80s music which is what we grew up on and it makes sense.  The hard core comedy stations are gone from his settings and now it is rock...current as well as our teenage error.  Nothing hard core. 

His interests in the house and dogs and family...diminishing.  He even skipped PB a few times because he wasn't feeling up to it and needed to let his body rest.  I personally wonder if this wasn't OW wanting her time with him.  I don't know for sure...but I have to be honest and say I wonder.

Over the last year, he was coming forward....now it is going back and I can't nor do I want to do anything about it.  This is all him.  I am just sitting back and watching and noting the changes.

2017 - pre bd.  H was living at home and all seemed well.  He had a new job and seemed to love it.  He loved the money he was making for sure.
2018 - H moved home after living with OW1 for 4 mos.  She sold and moved out of state.  H stayed until July when he followed her out there.
2019 - H invited me to try PB.  He started to reach out more than before.  A few texts and a few calls now and then.  It was the complete opposite of not hearing from him for months at a time.
2020 - H was ramping up doing things.  Surprised me with new "things" for the house that he bought.  Repaired by headboard.  Was being a general handy man.  Helping more with the dogs too.
2021 - The handy man is gone.  Now he is limited mobility wise but the helpful man started a slide backwards months ago.

Looking back now, what I can see.....more superficial phone calls and messages.
Less care about the house.
Less care about the dogs.
Less care about visiting grand kids.
Less care to have the grand kids visit.

Talks were about PB and him just yacking away.  Calls were getting shorter but there were more of them overall.  Now they are sliding backwards and diminishing.  Contact in general is going backwards.  Visits to the house are backwards.  He is involved less and less in family things. 

Memory...is getting worse and worse.  I recently have a vehicle issue that he also had several months ago.  When I asked him how he fixed his isuue....he told me he never had a problem with his vehicle.  He can't remember that.

Not long ago he stopped by unannounced with the sole purpose of fixing my auto issue.  Told him it was done.  Today during a convo, he remarked that he needed something but due to the auto issue, I couldn't help him with it.  He completely forgot the issue was fixed.

This is so hard to watch. 

As for OWs....have no idea what there status is.  My gut tries to tell me that ow1 is making a stand to comeback into H's life.  There are things that were brought to my attention but I just don't know what the sitch is and it is something I need to keep out of my mind.  I know they are symptoms.

To be quite honest, I think the biggest issue H is going to face in the future is SIS.  They sometimes act like an old married couple.  Sometimes she acts like his mother.  (yes...I have witnessed both of these)  I often wonder how this will play out.  Is she willing to let him go in the future.  She has latched onto him and the bond (dependency) seems to be getting stronger and stronger.

She has even controlled and manipulated him.  She admits it but doesn't see it as controlling and manipulating.  She sees it as giving him GOOD advise.  She has told him to do this....don't do this.  Call me, tell me, blah, blah, blah. 

She keeps all his secrets and is the worlds largest enabler.  Prior to her H dying, she supported H but never really relied on him because she had her H.  Now she relies on him all the time.

I know they have to work this out.  Someday when they are both ready.  For now....shake my head....roll my eyes....zip my lips!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#105: March 08, 2021, 01:33:33 PM
Thanks for these updates. I am so sorry your h is backsliding and that OW and FOO issues are rearing their heads again, and also for all of the other incidents that are ensuring 2021 will be as tumultuous as 2020 was. It seems as though you are navigating it all with remarkable strength and grace. Wishing you continued strength as you keep going forward with your mirror work and your own path to happiness, and I do hope your h finds his way back to his path.
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#106: March 12, 2021, 12:25:29 PM
Curiosity....

Thanks for your flattering comments.  All is good with me.  I have realized that he is still in lala land.  I am not.  We live in two different worlds.  I refuse to jump into fantasy land so guess who has to come back to the real world to join me.  He will or it will be his loss.

I do hope he finds his way!  Hope and pray!

As for 2021....I look forward to it getting better.  I dealt with 2020 and managed to put it in the rear view mirror with no scarring.  Plan to do the same in 2021.   Well....a few physical scars from an upcoming surgery but nothing major I can't deal with!  After all....scars show I survived all that came at me!

Hope all is well with you!  Take care!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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  • Posts: 1747
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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#107: March 12, 2021, 01:00:00 PM
So I have come to a new conclusion....

I am either and MLC magnet or my eyes are really truly open and I really see some people and their issues where before...I had blinders.

Maybe both?  The blinders are gone and I am an MLC magnet.  HaHa!

I say this because:

1.  H of course is in deep MLC
2.  I have a friend who recently told me about issues with her H.  It all started 8 years ago and he is finally returning a man that is near and dear to her and someone she recognized.  He was a live in MLC and she kept it covered up for years.  He tried to have an affair but failed then wallowed for many years.  Sitting in the house...TV on...phone in hand....Friend was invisible unless he wanted to Monster...then he managed to find her and give her his anger.  She learned to manage and they are bringing their marriage back together again.
3.  I have several clients (female) who took the plunge into MLC in the last year.  Both recently divorced.  Both have NEW MEN in their lives.  Both post on FB constrantly and you can see the dark eyes....the "stroke" smile.  The look at me and give me attention posts.    Both have turned away from their kids.
4.  I have a new client who told me that he and his wife divorced 20 years ago.  She remarried.  The story behind them sounds like MLC plus with drugs and alcohol on his part.  He never remarried.  Moved home with parents.  Recently her 2nd H passed away.  They started talking again.  They are moving in together and trying to restart their relationship again.
5.  I have a friend whose finance quit visiting her...making excuses...she found out there is an affair...he blamed her for it because she wouldn't have sex with him and she wanted to spend time with family.  He was invited too but refused.  Blah Blah Blah.  She said he checks all the boxes for MLC.
6.  Lastly and this is a biggie.  An employee of mine has been miserable.  Getting worse all the time.  Started to get mean at customers.  I have considered letting her go.  She just told me she is quitting.  She doesn't want to work.  Maybe she will work in the future.  Doesn't want resposibility.  If she works she just wants to answer the phone and not deal with things.  I told her I hope she is happy with whatever she chooses.  She told me.....I don't know if a new job will me happy.  I don't know what will make me happy anymore.   Over the last 4 years, she has become her opposite.  A stellar employee to someone who was almost fired.  A socialite with lots of friends to someone who doesn't want to be around her friends because they are Biotches.  Complaining about nothing to complaining about everything.  Taking on new responsibilities but neglecting other responsibilities.  The list goes on and on.  She also developed an unhealthy dependency on her H who recently retired.  Gets mad when he isn't home when he gets home.  Gets mad if his plans change or he decides on a different supper.  Gets mad when he hangs with the guys and leaves her alone at home.  Gets mad because he hasn't completed her Honey Do list that she decided he was going to do when he retires.  I loved this gal like a sister at one time and she helped me through the rough patch after BD.  Now she is heading down that road and of course I know nothing.  I have encouraged her to seek help.  It is all because of the job...the dogs...the H.   She will have to figure it out.  She is no longer the person I hired many years ago.  All of our mutual friends say the same thing and because of her attitude with them....they have turned their backs on her.  One day....she will have to wake up too!

Years ago...I would have never seen the signs.  Sadly now...I know them all too well.  Wish this would stop!  I tire of seeing it!

Hope you all have a great weekend!  Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#108: March 12, 2021, 05:59:49 PM
Hi Sam, it does sound like you have a MLC radar.  I can’t really think of any in my history.  Divorces yes, but no sudden unexpected divorces and no recollections of any returns.   But whose to say if the split was sudden or not.   If they weren’t close friends, I assumed they had problems for a long time when it could have been sudden.   Despite this, I do believe it’s a lot more prevalent in our society than I ever imagined. 

Aside from that, how are you?  H still deep in MLC - what a shocker hey?  Are you standing or have you moved on?  I hope whatever path you are on that you are doing well and loving life  :)
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#109: April 10, 2021, 03:52:44 PM
Anon....it is a shame but until you are dropped into the sitches that we are in....we all have blinders to what is happening with people.  Since my RADAR post, I discovered 2 more.

Couple A is reconciled but for 10 years...it was rough.  He was running running running.  She was chasing.  He ran out of money to run.  She ran out of money to chase.  He was traveling with a trucker that abandoned him in a truckstop.  He called wifey after hitting rock bottom and he came home.  He was awesome to talk to.  The stories we hear.  He was telling me the same things.  The fog.  The running.  The figuring out his life later.  Sadly, she never did her work but they are still together and working on it.....sadly now, she is in a nursing home and it is not looking good long term....but he is standing by her side.

Couple B:  BD was about a year prior to mine.  H feel in love with a young lady.  Gave up everything to be with her.  He was self employed.  He wife wanted a divorce and she has moved on.  Recently he lost OW to another man.  He is out of money.  Family and friends turned their back on him.  He is drinking and drove (drunk)  to a fire station and begged for help.  He is getting help for his addiction but he has burnt his bridges and wife not looking back.

Couple C:  I met this couple a few years ago.  Parents of friends of my daughter.  They were awesome.  Fun loving.  Passionate.  Seemed deeply in love.   Recently he moved out and wouldn't say where to.  Claims he is living in one of his parents rentals.   Son drove up little traveled road one day and Dad's truck set at the home of a "lady" with a less than stellar reputation.  Son went back by several times....truck always there...overnight and on days off.  So his living arrangements were a lie.  He is giving up house and other things to wife.  She is taking the divorce and all she can get and running and not looking back. 

Couple D:  Sister In Law....I still think she is going through something and it started about 7 to 10 years ago now.  i think she is stuck because her MLC H died suddenly.   I see so much more good in her now....but I still see the sinister SIL come out when things don't go her way.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#110: April 10, 2021, 04:13:59 PM
H Update:

2018:  H was living at home but pining for OW who moved about 15 hours away.  He snuck off to see her when she was 3 hours away visiting family.  Told me he was going hunting but left the house with no hunting equipment. 
2019:  This is the month that H reached out and invited me to go play Pickleball.  I did.  I fell in love with the game! 
2020:  H was coming around and doing stuff and some visiting.  Nothing spectacular that I can remember. 

2021:  Some things have happened in the last 30 days that are quite odd to me.
-H sold his MC.  The one he talked about selling for the last 2 years.  Sold it....despite SIL not wanting him to sell.  Told me he has no plans of buying another one.  Maybe a scooter just to run around locally.  His dreams used to be to ride to the shore.  Move someplace ward so he could ride all year long.  He was respected by others because he owned and rode and Harley.  This bike was also a chic magnet.  He was hitting up the biker bars and met up with OW 1 this way.  Her FB used to be filled with her $l()tting around in the HD gear.  She was proud to be a biker b!tc#. 
-H is laid up due to an injury.  He gave me his car to use because he knows how much it saves me on gas.  He is more mobile and I offered to give him the car back.  Told me to keep it for awhile.  The other day, it appeared to be an issue with his truck.  I told him to take the car back.  He said...."I am sorry.  I didn't think I would need it this soon.  I know how much it saves you gas."   WTH...there was an apology for taking back his own car.   Where is the MLC H that never showed any concern for the last 3.5 years?   Don't worry....he comes back...Good H didn't last long.  LOL
-H is showing more personalities.  In the last month, I have seen him sullen.  Happy and near normal.  Stoic.  Distant.  Very distant and almost on the verge of monster.
-H is calling less...texting/snapping less and of course visiting less.
-H told me he didn't want me to go along with him to visit the grandkids.  Made up all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't go.  I just said ok.  He did this for several weeks.  Then out of the blue he calls and asks me to go to dinner with his family that is visiting.  Then he invited me to ride along to see grandkids.
-H came to Easter without an invitation.  While carving the meat, he hobbled out and volunteered to cut the meat.  He used to do this all the time.  I let him.  At Christmas and Thanksgiving....he didn't get off his butt to join us or help at all.
-H is helping with the dogs almost daily.....this past week, I noticed my bedroom door was ajar a few times.  The first time, I wrote it off as me.  Next two...I knew it wasn't.  For whatever reason, he has been coming to the house earlier...staying a bit here alone.  Not long..maybe 30 mins compared to 5.   Watching some shows I have taped.  Opening the bedroom door.  Don't know if he goes in or what....but the door has been opened.
-H made arrangements to get my mower to be repaired.  Normally he takes it for me.  He can't due to his injury so he got his friends to come and do it.  He then brought his mower here and mowed my grass and told me to not worry about the grass...he will take care of it.
-H normally mows my parents....he asked a friend to help him with mowing their property until he is back on his feet.  H has been meeting this OLD friend a few times now and they are getting breakfast together.
-H left some info here that he got from his employer.  He made me aware it was there so that I could read it and know what was happening.

Right now I notice that when H comes close....he is friendly and more long-winded.  Talks and interacts a lot.  Like an hour or so.   Then he vanishes for a few days....2 to 3....then he is back at it again.  Oh well.  I just do me.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#111: April 10, 2021, 04:19:39 PM
As for me...I just continue to evolve and always just try to be the best I can be. 

I find that I am still really and truly happy.  I am facing challenges right now that would have thrown me for a loop prior to BD....now....they are an annoying hiccup but I am managing well and just doing.

I am dealing with stress in much better ways.  No longer losing my temp.  I just roll with things.  Just easy-breezy me.

I am always on the lookout for ways to improve myself.  I have bought some different self-help books and they definitely don't hurt to read them.

Weirdly I am happy just doing each day as it comes.  No worries about the future...I know all is gonna be ok.  No matter what....all is ok.

Good things came about because MLC continues to grow.  I keep focused on the good!  It helps me to stay happy and loving and at peace with myself despite the chaos in the world around me.  Both due to MLC and COVID.  All is good and all is well and I got a handle on this thing called LIFE!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#112: April 10, 2021, 04:34:47 PM
Sam

Great updates. I may not be posting but I am reading and appreciating and cheering you on from here.

Surely the pandemic will have affected these MLCers somewhat.

So lovely to read all this
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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#113: April 10, 2021, 06:09:51 PM
Sam:
I swear we are married to the same man. Hahaha!! My h has been doing very similar things lately. He rode his motorcycle here the other day while I was doing yard work and just talked to me for an hour or so. Told me he was thinking of getting a new one then decided against it. Instead he’s going to spend that money in a new vehicle (which he needs).

Keeps finding reasons to try and come over. When I do see him in the community, he does not want me to leave. He always finds a reason to try and extend the time together. He will come close, then be silent for 2 or 3 days, then back again.

Like you, I’m just focusing on my life. Recently, I’ve also been reflecting on all the positives for me during this unwanted journey. I’m much more confident in who I am. My work is flourishing. I’m invested in friends and hobbies. Life is pretty good.  :)
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#114: April 10, 2021, 06:15:25 PM
Thanks for the updates, Sam! So interesting to see these stories of MLC. For something that many of us never heard of before we were bomb dropped, it is surprisingly not all that rare. Which I guess means it’s just something that doesn’t get talked about.

I do think the pandemic affects the course of crisis, just as it has affected all of us. I don’t know that there’s any way to predict what the effect is, though - for some people, it might accelerate the path to rock bottom. For some it might cause them to reassess priorities and blunt the severity of the crisis. For many, though, I wonder if it just keeps them in limbo longer. They’re in the tunnel, trying to replay, but there’s only so much they can do. Or they’re depressed and wallowing, and overwhelmed by the isolation on top of their underlying issues that prompted crisis. So I suppose in some cases it slows down their progress, in some it speeds things up, and in some... well, they’re too caught up in their own world to be aware of or affected by the larger world. I have been sort of assuming it has slowed the rate of my W’s progress and kept her in limbo for longer... but she’s back at home after almost 6 months away, so I am not even trying to predict anything. Or I guess that isn’t accurate - I am going to keep predicting that she is still in the tunnel for the foreseeable future, and I am going to predict that I am going to live my life the best way I can, whatever her path looks like.

I am sorry for your challenges but have great respect for the strength with which you are handling them.
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#115: April 10, 2021, 10:10:02 PM
Attaching - thank you Sam
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#116: April 10, 2021, 11:13:38 PM
Great update, Sam!
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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#117: April 13, 2021, 04:43:32 PM
Great update Sam.
As always you seem to be growing and thriving.
Keep up the great work.

Sea
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#118: April 22, 2021, 08:16:18 AM
Rose - I don't post a lot either.  I use the site now more for journaling for me.  I am more of a stalker the 1 or 2 times a month I find time to get on the forum! 

I just read you update.  Things can get very strange in MLC land.  You got this down and you seem so well, despite MLC and Covid!

Take care of you!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#119: April 22, 2021, 08:17:57 AM
Marching - Amazing how there are so many similarities yet so many differences when you sit back and watch the show!

I am just glad I am on this side of MLC and not in it!  I can't imagine how bad it must be!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#120: April 22, 2021, 08:22:32 AM
Curiosity,

Like you, I think COVID can throw some twists and turns into the MLC our spouses are dealing with...help or hurt it?   I don't know....no matter what, they have to fight through things and figure it out on their own. Some detours perhaps?

Like you....I have come realize this is a long journey.  The tunnel is long and cold and black and doesn't sound like fun at all. 

As for me....I love being above ground with the sun shining on me!  I'll stay here and he can come and find me.

Just keep getting through life a day at a time!  Tomorrow will take care of itself!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#121: April 22, 2021, 08:24:51 AM
Deparis,

Thanks for following! 

I have not read your story yet.  I'll have to jump over someday and get up to date.

I see you are new to this!  Keep you chin up!  Take things a day at a time!

Ask for help and guidance and support when you need it!

I remember those beginning days of so well, but I also know we can all survive them when we choose to do the work to heal!

You got this!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#122: April 22, 2021, 08:26:07 AM
Faith,

Hope you are well.  I see you started a new thread!  I gotta get up to date on how you are!  I'll catch up soon....I hope! 

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#123: April 22, 2021, 08:27:26 AM
Sea,

How are you doing?

We have got to catch up!!!!

I am staying busy and doing what I like to do.

A few minor health issues to deal with...but once done!  I will be better than new!   

Chat with you later and keep taking care of you!   
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#124: April 22, 2021, 08:43:39 AM
So, I stopped back sooner than normal because I saw an oddity take place with H.    Something I have not seen before in him.  I see it in my Mom all the time!

My mom suffers from depression with Bi Polarism.   I can look at my mom and tell her mood.  Good days...she looks younger than her age.  Average days she looks her age.  Bad day....she looks like she is about 20 years older than her age.  It is bad.  Wrinkles...dead eyes...dull skin color....slumping when she sits or walks.

For a long time,  I have seen "AGING" in H.  Dark eyes...of course. Pale and wrinkly skin.  Looking older than his actual age.  Lifeless is the way I can describe him.  Not only in his looks but also in his actions.

This week, we had some beautiful weather and H decided to do a lot of work around the property.  He did things he talked about doing 4 to 5 years ago.  He finally got the  gumption to get SOME of the things done.

He was around for 4 or 5 days in a row.  He joked a bit.  He smiled.  One time when I really had an opportunity to look at him, I noticed he was more vibrant in his looks too.  Eyes still dark but not black dark.  Skins was smoother and there was color and he didn't look old and haggard.  He had a bit more zest in his step too.  He even played with the GKs a bit by tossing them around.

I have not seen this "glow" to him in at least 3 years.  Even when he made up his mind that he was in love with OW1....moving to be with her....there wasn't a glow.

It was nice to see this glow after so long of not seeing it.

Now, I know it won't last.  I know the closeness of this week is only temporary....but it was really good to see the possibilities that are out there should he decide to finish his journey through MLC Land.



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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#125: April 22, 2021, 10:51:44 AM
Interesting change in your H, Sam. Remind me when BD was?
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#126: April 22, 2021, 03:44:22 PM
Nice to hear that H is showing signs of softening a bit.
Perhaps it’s temporary and will come-and-go; but still a nice bit of insight, I’m sure.

Can’t wait to catch up...

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#127: April 23, 2021, 09:23:56 AM
Milly,

BD was 10.29.2017

Sea, 

Who is to say if it is a true softening or him just having a moment....I don't expect it to last.  It is nice to see some of the real H.  A nice reminder of the man I used to know.


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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#128: May 04, 2021, 11:08:23 AM
Following up from my last post on H.  He had pulled near for awhile.  Was looking and acting near normal. 

The really good time lasted about a week.  Then he started to slowly fade.  Memory issues came back.  More haggard looking.  Less smiling.  Less playtime with the GKs.  Slow decent back into the fog???  Possibly.

Then at  the end of about 2 weeks...he advised he wasn't going to be around for a period of time.  Missing gks ball games and not able to help with the dogs.  I supposed he was going out of town to see OW2.  I don't know for sure but that is what I suspect.  Keep in mind...I still don't know the relationship with OW2...EA?  PA?  Two MLCers making the perfect storm of commiserating with each other?  All I know is that one day the truth will come out.  It always does.   

He came back quietly...not talking or contacting.  Went to see grandkids secretly  - Yeah!  This is good.  Go see and love them up!   I can only hope he is missing them and wanted to see them!

Broke out of his 4 day  "shutdown" and called last night.  Informed me he had been at the house earlier in the day and was questioning things I was doing such as the new pool filter and super I was making.

I don't think he was really interested....he still needs reasons to contact me.  I just take it as it is for now.  I am realizing that when he comes closer he seems to do so for longer periods and when he goes away...it is for longer periods.   I just ride it out and work on me.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#129: May 04, 2021, 11:21:56 AM
So the last month has been a bit hard on me to be honest.   Took me awhile to figure it all out....but I did and I am working on it.

That ONE week of very near normal H was awesome but hard to see him slip away again.  It was slow...it was gradual...it was aggravating to know the real H visited but left so quickly.

When he left down to "visit"....it played havoc with my emotions a lot more than I care to admit.  Not a total spiral...but it was enough to trigger some anxiety again.  Something I have not had to deal with for a long time.

I knew the issue was mine to deal with and it took a long time to really figure it out and come to terms with it.

Some of it had to do with BD and is exodus later to another state.  In both circumstances, he got really nice and did a lot of work around the house and then poof he was gone.  In both cases he made a point to make sure I knew how much he was doing.  Showing me he was the good guy?  Maybe....but he did that this time too but to a lesser degree but he still had that good moment....friendly doing things and then poof...he was gone and secretive about where and what he was doing. 

It triggered me.  Brought back a lot of emotions I thought I had dealt with.   The reaction was no where near as bad as at bd or exodus but it was there.  I felt the pain and had the anxiety.

I worked through it.  It took me time....better part of a week but I finally came to grips with what was going on and what I had to do to deal with it. 

I had to face some things.  I had to adjust my attitude with some things.  I had to get out of a negative mindset and back to a positive mindset again.

I started with some theraputic meditation.  Then I made up my mind to find positives...even in the negatives.....look for the small positives that were happening and concentrate on them. 

I know I will overcome things.  I know I have to deal with it.  I know I can't ignore it and hope it goes away.  I have to face it and deal with it and be patient with myself as I do work through it.

I will overcome again.   I'll get my detachment levels back to where they need to be again.  I will heal from this too and be better because I am not runnings.

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#130: May 17, 2021, 11:42:50 AM
I am back!

Meaning I am back to me again and feeling awesome.  Had a small set back with the way things were going.  Eased up on my detachment a tad and it didn't do me any good. 

But I got it back.  I faced my issues and I am forging onward and upward.

I am back to feeling control of myself again.

I am ready to face the set backs.

I can deal with the up and downs of H coming around and then leaving again.

I am back to counting blessing...no matter how small they may be.

Find the positives and keep going. 


As for H:

He came around again, then vanished for a few days.
Came around again, then vanished for a few days.

Last week, I was around him at GS game.  He was miserable...not mean miserable but bump on the log miserable.  He just sat and played on his phone.  Didn't interact with hardly anyone
EXCEPT the grand daughter. 

On the way home, he was spacing out and actually forgot where we were going two times and thought he missed his turn.

There was 2 occasions where he was "snarky".  I just let them go like I didn't hear the edge in his voice.

I remember feeling like this was deja vu again.   I have been getting a lot of deja vu moments with him.  Mostly it feels like early replay when he was distant with occasion visits but mostly very distant.

Now this one took me time to figure out but it reminded me of just prior to BD.  When he was edgy and snarky then.  Didn't matter what I said or how I said it....he totally misinterpretted it.

Back then I would call him out.  I thought it was him being mean to me  Now...not worth my time.   i know it is NOT him being mean to me.  i know it is him having no good way to deal with his issues. His problem.  Not mine.  I won't buy into it or even give it my time.   He was not downright mean just testy about a comment I made.  Shrug it off and ignored him.  He went right back to playing video games.  The world around him didn't exist again.

Then he disappeared for a few days. 

As quickly as he disappears....he reappears with no warning.

Literally walked into the house and sat down and started talking to me.  All was good until I talked about taxes (after he asked about them). 

After this convo, he starred at the wall for about a minute...then snapped out of it and said he had to go.  Spent all of about 15 minutes at the house.  Then called later.

I can always tell when he is better because he calls about the simple things that could be texted.

When he is not in a good place...he either totally avoids me or if he communicates, it s only be text or snaps.  This is ok too.  I have learned that I don't like the "down" H.  He is grumpy and no fun.  He doesn't even look good.

Right now his pattern is to come close but go away for longer periods of time.  Used to be 1 day every week or two he would vanish.  Now it is 2 or 3 days of vanishing followed by some sort of coming around.  A visit or a longer phone call that can last 1 to 4 days and then he is gone again.  More gaps now and seem to be getting longer.

Sitting back and observing how this patterns continues and/or changes going forward.  Time for tell!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#131: May 17, 2021, 06:37:30 PM
Sam,
I enjoy reading your updates because you H and mine are so similar in how they behave- the closeness then distancing. The very predictable patterns of behaviors.

Hang in there! I know you’re doing great and good on you for getting your detachment back.  :)
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#132: June 04, 2021, 07:39:40 AM
Finally caught back up with you Sam.....glad you are feeling great again
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#133: June 09, 2021, 12:12:11 PM
Marching - back and forthing is no fun but I hope it is worthwhile someday!  Just keep smiling and putting one foot in front of another....we will get through this ONE day at a time!

66 - Love (yet HATE) that we are meeting up again on the forum!  Keep taking care of you!  Nice to hear from you!  Please keep in touch!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#134: June 09, 2021, 12:55:08 PM
Historical Look Back:

2017:  S was home but prepping to move across the county in July so he could start professional school there.  H was a bit weird.  A started this month.  He was more distant but looking back I saw as it distracted.  He was paying attention to S.  Spending time with him while he was around.  H was riding bike a lot.  Disappearing a lot but none of it really seemed far from normal.

2018:  Enjoyed a vacation with H to see S.  We had a good time.  S noticed that H would disappear and be on his phone all the time.  He was checking in with OW1 anytime he could manage it.  Little did I know, that H was planning his exodus to move in late June or early July.  He knew this before going on vacation.  No wonder he was so nice and offering to pay for everything. 

2019:  Not much happened this month.  At least nothing that seems worthwhile to stick in my memory bank.  H was living with his sister but still involved with OW1.  Little did I know that there were convos with OW2 that would lead to them meeting up in July during a class reunion.

2020:  Another uneventful June.  H seemed to be in a position of comfort.  OW 1 seemed to be less and less interesting but he was making more and more out of state trips to see OW2.  COVID was in full bore but it didn't stop him from traveling.

2021:  This month is starting out just as the last few months have been.  Times of a near normal H.  Times of a very distant vanishing H.  Times when the memory is good.  Times he laughs, smiles, appears to care followed up times of sulleness with dark eyes, a paralyzed smile and a memory....well what memory.  I would be surprised if he remembered to wipe his own butt after making a deposit. 

I noticed in the last month that he grooming habit are questionable.  Times of not bathing.  Time of skipping a tooth brushing.  Eye brows that are getting so long they can be braided. Time of wearing the same outfit two days in a row. 

Attire wise, he seems pretty much back to pre MLC day of dress.  His normal t shirts and hardly ever sporting HD attire.  You know, the stuff that got him attention and made him feel respected.

He bounces back and forth with music.  Sometimes listening to classic 80s and sometimes current country.  The hard core comedy stations are gone.  Watching and listening to more sports again vs the news and weather.

Drinking seems to have tanked again too.  He has the occasional but not talking about the hard liquor drinks he was putting away for awhile.  He is gaining weight again too.

He is still attentive to the house.  I think I mowed 2 or 3 times so far....he is trying to keep on it and get it done before I can.  Those times I did do it was when he was out of town and it couldn't wait for him.  He is doing little projects around the house and getting ready to tackle a big one.  Our shower died and needs replaced. 

Big news is that he is finally pursuing a career change he talked about for 4 or 5 years.  He not only applied but has interviewed and is waiting for the next step. 

H was never a procrastinator...then he was...now he still is but is getting better at it.  Now he says I want to get A B C done this week and he usually accomplishes 1 or 2 vs none.

He is no longer sharing sports videos with me.  He occasionally tells me things he is doing or has done but is still highly secretive.

I still get moments of DEJA VU.  Meaning it seems like he is back in replay but the replay antics are not there....just the distancing.  Times was he is a bit snarky like Pre-BD when he was more disposed to rude and sarcastic comments.  Then there are times like I am seeing the man I knew prior to all of this.  Brief moments when he cracks a joke and really smiles.  Times he teases and picks but not in a mean way....a fun way.  Times when I see the hard working name who used to care.  Then POOF he is replaced by a zombie like shell of the man I knew that likes to sit and play games on his phone.  Then POOF another version pops up. 

I would describe things right now as just plain old weird.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#135: June 10, 2021, 10:10:57 PM
Fascinating update Sam, thanks for sharing. Sounds like your H is a bit like a pendulum swinging back and forth, more slowly now, looking for equilibrium.

Great post
3Boys
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BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#136: June 11, 2021, 08:52:39 AM
3 Boys....welcome back after your hiatus.   How are you doing?  I was looking your update!

Hope you and family are all well!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#137: June 11, 2021, 09:12:16 AM
My update on how I am doing.


I am doing well.  I mean really well.  Some antics a few months ago affected me but I dealt with them and I am better because of them.

I can best describe myself as being in a position of being neutral.  I know that sounds boring but that is where I am.

This is probably the best place I have been in since BD. 

I didn't get here overnight.  It was a journey for me but I actively sought out to heal and deal because I didn't want to stay where I was after BD.

I'll readily admit that there were set backs and times when I was more emotional but they affected me less and less and for shorter periods of time.

I still have hope that some day we may have a marriage again.  However, right now I can see so many things about H that I don't like....YET at the same time....I occasionally see the man I dearly loved pop up occasionally for short period of time.

I think of H often.  He comes around and disappears but it is such a normal thing anymore that I no longer get excited when he comes by and no longer saddened when he leaves.  I just feel neutral about it all.

I keep busy with my business and my family and just doing ME.

I am excited that covid restrictions are lifting so that I can do some traveling and visiting with others.  Will be nice to just get away...even just for a day or two.

I am happy and content with where I am and what is happening for me.  I really don't have a lot to say about me because I am such a good place.  In the past, I thought I was in good places too...but now it is even better and keeps getting better as I heal and deal.    I just hope everyone who is at the beginning of their journey can get to this point much quicker than I did.

Better late than never!!!!

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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#138: June 11, 2021, 12:22:27 PM
You do sound like you are in a good place.....and I hope to be in my better place again soon as well.
Isn't it odd that they seem like strangers at times but then we see the men we fell in love with peek out occasionally ?
Mine is not dressing back to normal - currently he grew his hair shoulder length like he has in high school and is matching that with skinny Chinos and platform sneakers, which he would not have been caught dead in previously.
I assume the OW is much more into fashionable clothing for men to show him off. I just see his odd choices that maybe a 25 year old would wear and just snicker as he gets in his Sticky Tongue Sticker truck and rolls off.
keep doing you Sam - you have always been such a great inspiration for me
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H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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#139: June 12, 2021, 07:04:50 AM
Hello,

it is good to find yourself in a good place despite your h.  Reading several threads, I realize now that trying to watch or figure out your MLCer is not only a complete waste of time, but tends to frustrate and stymie the progress of the LBSer to full recovery from the trauma of bomb drop. Trying to put bits and pieces of behaviors into our own narrative of coming out of the tunnel ends all detachment and truly letting go.

You take what you get and move forward. You can't put your life on hold while your h figures his out. If you try, you will be in the same crisis that fill his life and neither gets better.

Keep working on you and live your life.

Have a great weekend,

((((Ready))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#140: July 15, 2021, 10:11:59 AM
66 -  So glad you stopped by.  I was able to catch up on your. 

You sound so GOOOOOOD!   I see so much more strength in you.  Keep going and keep doing you!

Love to hear more!  Take care!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#141: July 15, 2021, 10:14:33 AM
Ready,

I agree with you!  This is watching and expecting and there is watching and observing to me.

I try to keep expectations at Zero.

I do watch and observe.  So much is always in front of me that I can't miss it. 

I think of it like a science experience.....you watch with is growing in the petrie dish....but it will be some time before you know what comes from it.  It could be a success or a failure.  If it fails, then back to the drawing board!

Take care and thanks for your wise words and observations!

Sam!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#142: July 15, 2021, 10:37:45 AM
July Update:

2017 - Son left for school last week.  After he left, H started to really change.  Thinking back....more and longer rides.  More times he was gone but always had a valid excuse.  Now I know it was lies...but not then.

2018:  Yesterday was the anniversary of H moving out of state to follow ow1 nearly 16 hours away.  Leading up to yesterday, I noticed that I really felt nothing about that date anymore.  No triggers at all.  Yeah!

2019:  H took a ride on his MC all day long.  Of course he told me he was going alone but the truth was he was with OW1 the whole day.  I know this because he posted pics and the pics he posted...someone else had to take...no way for him to take while he was driving on the bike.  Like portrait pics of himself.  Later....ow 1 also had some pics that were brought to my attention.  Yep....they celebrated the day.

Makes me wonder if the A becan at this time in 2017.  Explains why he left to get to her in 2018 and why he spent the day with her again this particular year on this particular date.  He had to take this day off from work for a MC ride.  It was not his normal day off.   Things that make you go Hmmmmm.  HA HA

2020:  H was away again on this date...but this time with OW2...not OW1.   Hmmm.  Was he avoiding OW1 by fleeing to go to OW2?  I know things ramped up for them this time last year when she came to town for a reunion. 

2021:  Once again, H is away on this date.   Silly MLCer.  Again with OW2! 


Other changes I am seeing in him:

He is getting more and more distant.
-calls less
-texts less
-comes by less unless he has an excuse and usually the excuse is to mow or to see grandbabies.

He has less attention to detail in all areas
- skips showers or teeth brushings at times
-skips shaving for a few days
-is getting old man catapillar eyebrows more often
-will drive around a stick in the yard and leave a skip vs moving it and mowing
-more time lapses between weed whacking resulting in an unkempt yard


Forgetfullness comes in batches and is really bad when it is affecting him.
-emailed me a picture of a project....4th time in the last year.  I asked him if he was getting around to finally making it....he said NO....I saw this and liked it and wanted to share it with you.  Little does he know it was the 4th time.
-he got angry because I was unaware of something....insisted he told me.  He didn't....I just ate crow and said...I apologize....I guess I forgot.

He is referring to the dogs as his dogs more often.  He said they are his dogs too and will help to take care of them.  Recently he bought new fence collars for them.  It wasn't cheap.  I offered to pay half.  He ignored me so I just thanked him.

He asks more often when the grandbabies are gonna visit and tries to get there when they are visiting.  He seems near normal most of these times but occassionally he is still a bump on the log who just sits there on his phone.

He has disappeared a few times and later tells me he went to see son.  I am happy he is able to do so.  He tells me he just decided to go visit so he packs up and goes at the last minute and drives hours to visit for a day or two and then come home.  Yet he won't drive 30 mins most days to visit D.

Sometimes he is a chatty Cathy.  Just rambling.  Then he is a lump not communicating at all.  Seems to be one or the other.

Still getting complaints about sister now and then.  The last one was.....she is on me to get the weed whacking done.   Been on me for 3 days.  I guess I better go and get it done before she gets home tonight.  He sounded like a kids about to be punished if it wasn't done before MOM got home from work.  LOL.




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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#143: July 15, 2021, 10:48:15 AM
Changes with me....

I have had moments where things just seem to blow up.  Like I will be great for weeks and then I get monkey braining.  It lasts a day or two but then I come out of it.

When I do come out of it....I am better than before I headed in.  Triggers stink....yet I try to embrace them.  I know there is "something" I need to address and I stay on it until I figure it out.

Sometimes I figure it ou on my own...sometimes my dear friends bring things to my attention and I get the AH HA moment based on their feedback.  I love my LBS friends.  They call BS when they need to but they don't ever give up on supporting each other as we each deal with different things at different times.

I still work on detachment.  It slowly over time gets better and betters.

I listened to a pod cast about a month ago.  It helped a lot.  I am a very visual person.  In the pod cast it actually says.....envision taking a pair of scissor and cutting the cord to whatever issue is holding you back.  I started doing this.  I even use my fingers to make scissors and cut an invisible cord in the air and visually watch an issue float away.  It is so liberating.

Most of the time I cutting the cord to shennigans with H.  But I also use it in other areas of my life.

Something so simple has been so helpful to me.  Love it!

Other than that....I am scheduled for knee surgery in the late Fall.  Can't wait to be rid of pain. 

Work is picking up and new employees are awesome.  Still have a learning curve but these gals have so much potential.

Health is good.  Knee issues is causing me to fight weight gain because I can't exercise....I struggle but I refuse to go back to where I was.  Not worth it. 

Blood pressure up a bit...here again...a side affect of not being able to exercise. Dr is monitoring and staying in front of it. 

Only temporary set backs.  Give me until Spring and I'll be walking, hiking and playing PB again.  Sadly no more trail running but I am thinking about maybe taking up trail biking to see that need to travel faster and further through the woods and mountains.  Something to think about and something different to do!

Hope you are all having a great summer!  Until next month!   -Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#144: July 24, 2021, 08:11:04 AM
Great updates Sam.  I'm sorry to hear about the health issues.  My hip gives me pain fits now and again, so I understand.  Keep on keeping on!
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#145: August 02, 2021, 11:50:40 AM
Good to hear from you Sam. I love the idea with the scissors as visual ...might have to try that. Sorry about your knee and I hope the surgery in the fall will bring the relief you seek so that you will be back to tackle all your outdoorsy stuff in the spring. You have been such an inspiration throughout the years to me and you continue to be. Always positive, always working through the monkey braining and always grateful to the many blessings in your life.
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Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#146: August 18, 2021, 12:08:50 PM
Faith....sorry to hear about your hip!  Hope all is well in your part of the world!  I really gotta catch up!  You always amazed me.  No matter what came at you...you were positive and upbeat!  Very supportive to others too!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#147: August 18, 2021, 12:10:10 PM
66 -  Thanks for your kind words.  Your making me blush!

Make sure you turn that mirror around on yourself too.  Give yourself credit for all you are overcoming!  You deserve kudos too!

Take care and stay in touch!

Sam
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#148: August 18, 2021, 12:37:46 PM
My but a month can be so much different in MLC world.  So different....yet still so much of the same!

2017 - 8.10 was our anniversary.  H was out of bed before me and I found him in the living room in a grumpy mood on his phone.  Claimed his gout was acting up and he didn't want to do anything but be left alone.  Gulible me believed him.  In hindsite, he was not happy to have to be around me this day.  He was already deep in a PA with OW1.

2018 - 8.09:  We almost lost our grandson.  I called him long enough to tell him that he wasn't breathing.  Ambulance was called.  Life support was being done in the front yard by his father and a paramedic.  He hung up bawling.  He sent his sister to the hospital to get updates and she kept him updated all night.

8.10  Our 2nd grandchild was born.  He texted me one time to see how things were.  No word...was still waiting for the Dr to come to us.  I didn't lie....but at the same time, I was told not to release info to him.  D would update him when she was good and ready.  She was mad.  He was with ow1 with no intention of coming home.  He wasn't working but couldn't come back for her birth.  She contacted him when she was ready then sister kept him informed.

2019 - 8.10  H was forced to spend some time in my presense.  It was GD 1st b day party.  I still remember how odd it was.  I was there early helping to set up.  He came in later and followed me around.  He got food first...I watched where he sat.  I went to another table and sat with my parents.  He picked up his food and joined us.  Didn't talk....but I felt like I had a shadow.

2020 - 8.10  H forced to spend time in my presence again.  He was friendlier this year.  Celebration was at my house since covid shut down the church.  He was courteous and friendly from what I remember.   As he was leaving at the end of the day...I told him that no matter what transpired in the past, I was glad he was still in  my life.  He choked up....walked away and said me too.

2021 - 8.10  H once again was forced to see me due to celebrating a party.  He didn't mention anniversary and neither did I.

Besides this particular date, H is once again behaving oddly.  But then again.....when isnt he.  HA Ha

What I am noticing:

He is vanishing for short spurts of time.  Life 2 to 6 days with no communication at all.  No texts, snaps, calls, visits....just total silence.

When he vanishes, he sometimes comes back and tells me he went to visit S and sometimes he just pops back like he never went away.  Just shows up and starts updating me on his life.

When he does visit, there are times he is very near normal for a few days....but then he gradually distances...less and shorter visits....less and shorter calls...business like texts only.  Then POOF....he vanishes. 

His appearances are baaaaad.  He is almost grey in color tone.  Just not normal.  He is packing on pounds.  He is sneaky drinking and overtly drinking.  When he overtly drinks....he boasts.

His cheeks are sunken in despite him putting on weight.  it is odd.  He looks very aged at times.  There is nothing much attractive about him right now.

His sense of humor that was returning...is steadily disappearing again.  As well as his memory lapses are greater. 

Very often he seems like he is on the verge of wanting to say somthing...then stops or quickly changes his mind.

Ex:  The other day, he called and told me he was going to Resturant X...told him MMMM  that sounds good.  He quickly said...do you want something.....I said If I was going, i would get chicken.  He then got very sullen...said I am turning into the parking lot.  Gotta go.   Just told him to enjoy.

He has done this several times in the last few weeks....a complete switch and recision of an offer in seconds.

So he is changing and not always in good ways. 



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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#149: August 18, 2021, 12:47:12 PM
Update on Me.


Despite all the pulling away that H seems to be doing.....I seem to be doing better than ever attitude wise.

I think of H less and less.

I monkey brain less and less.  I just don't let my thoughts go there.

When I need to make a decision....I no longer consider him....I actually say....what is best for me in this situation and I move forward based on that.

I feel light and free again.  It didn't happen all at once.....I have been a work in progress for nearly 4 years now.  That is ok too.  I needed it

I can see a lot clearer now too.  See him trying to manipulate.  If it doesn't benefit me....i just tell him NO or I'll think about it.  I no longer sweat the small stuff.

I hope this is the next step in detachment. 

I had a few moments over the last 6 months when I got sucked backwards.  That is ok too.  I realized there were things I had to deal with and work on.  Good news....I came out of the funk much much much better than what I went in. 

More clarity!  More happiness!  Less Stress!  Less cares about the MLC world.

Not selfish....just self concerned but in a good way.  A very good way!

I don't know how to really describe it other than I am in a good place.  A very good place and it feels really good to be here!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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#150: August 18, 2021, 02:39:47 PM
Wow, Sam I Am. The calls on the restaurant visits. Wonder if he wanted you to invite yourself to join him or ask for food as an excuse to come by and see you? There is no making sense of the craziness. You sound like your in a great place handling the crazy, however!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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#151: August 19, 2021, 09:51:20 PM
August is always a big month for you.  Can't believe how fast it seems to be going and how big your grandkids are getting already.

Your H still seems to be drifting in the wind.  I'm glad that you are keeping your focus on you.
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#152: September 21, 2021, 07:58:46 AM
Updates on H:

2017 - H was grumpier than normal when I look back with those 20/20 lenses.  I see now him pulling away.  Avoiding me.  When I tried to address, he blamed it on this that or the other thing and I believed it. 

2018 - H had been gone since July.  Moved back to the area without telling anyone but his family.  Missed GSon B Day by one day.  He was avoiding me but moved in with his parents.  Didn't seek out d either.  Waited a week or two before seeing new G Daughter and G Son.  This was the month I ran my 1st 5k.  It was reported to me that he was spotted along the route several times on his MC.  He stayed out of my site...but others saw him.   I talked to him one time ran I ran into him downtown.  He gave me advise to get home before it rained since I was on my scooter.  He pretty much avoided me this month.

2019 - He was coming around sporadically.  Helping at the house then disappearing.  Showing for a family function for a few hours and disappearing.  Communication between was was sparse but better than the previous year.  Not totally avoiding me but not seeking me out either.

2020 - I saw him often this year.  Covid struck. PB was moved outside and he was showing up to play where I was playing as much as he could.  He would often ask where I was playing and either show up there or hitch a ride with me.  Much more communication.  Much more visits.  However...things were going nowhere.  Just friendly times together.

2021 - Things continue to slide backwards.  OW is posting pics of them together again.   I am so over it.  I just roll my eyes with a whatever.  I am hoping she is getting desperate.  I don't think she realizes there is ow 2 that she is competing with.  Not me. 

Communication and visits with me continue to dissinegrate.  Less calls and shorter calls.  Visits and time together is next to nil.  He went 3 weeks without seeing the grandkids.  Then when he did come to see them, he stayed only an hour and was very happy and near normal.  Then Poof  He was gone.  He even missed G Sons b day dinner again this year.  Told us he had to work....sent pics like he was visiting son....come to find out he did neither.  Assuming it was OW 1 or OW2 demanding time.  Just so hard to tell.  Sad that they took precedence over an hour long pizza supper with GSon who was disappointed that his GFather was not there.

He seems more and more un interested in life with me.  Yet he still wants to be the hero.  He comes by to mow but doesn't do a very good job.  Checks in about once or twice every week but in between it is stone cold silence.  Called yesterday to tell me the contractor I was seeking was too busy and told me to find another one. 

Memory.....What memory.   Yesterday when he called about the contractor, i reminded him he left a tool at my office from last winter.  He didn't know why.  I reminded him why....he didn't remember stopping by to try to fix my office spouting due to an ice dam.   He couldn't remember it at all.  His biggest concern was why he was carring the tool around with him.   Told him he wasn't....he grabbed it from the house and brought it to the office to help me.  Still didn't ring a bell with him. 

Sad that he is just so lost and getting worse.  The space he is creating right now is colder and darker than it has ever been....even when he moved away....it is just different.   A different type of avoidance than before.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#153: September 21, 2021, 08:05:40 AM
Updates on ME

I feel so good.   I have been inactive for the last 6 mos due to my knee injury.  Finally joined the gym and I am swimming.  It is not PB or walking or running or hiking but I am moving and feeling better and better all the time!

Mentally.....I think detachment is really kicking in.   I still notice what H is doing but I am not a watcher and I am not waiting.  He is gone.  I see that.

I recognize that things for him are going to get worse and worse until HE decides he wants to address his issues and heal.  This is all for him to do.  I am just standing back and letting him plow through his life.  His actions are showing me that he doesn't want me in his life right now.  Yet he is still not letting go either.  He has his tether to me....but I am no longer tethered to him.   

Me....I am still living.  Special times with grandkids.  Growing my business.  Still looking to expand but so much was put on hold due to COVID that expansion is also on hold...for now.

I don't have a lot to say about me.  I can't complain about anything.  Sure my knee hurts like heck at times....but it is only temporary.  Sure COVID is bringin on challenges but it is only temporary too.  Just like MLC....covid brought about some good changes in my life that I am embracing and making the most of.

I love H.  Yet right now he is in such a bad place.  He looks horrible.  Hardly ever a smile.  He is doing him and I am doing me.  Will see what the future holds.  Time will tell.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#154: September 21, 2021, 08:08:34 AM
Faith - Yes August has some important things that happen.  Busy time and good memories!  For me at least!

Yes the grandkids are growing so much.  5 years....3 years....8 mos.  Wow!  They are so much fun to be around.  So much energy.  Even better when I spend quality time with them and then send them home   LOL.

Hope you are well.  I have to get up to date on your journey.  A lot happens in an month on this forum.  It is overwhelming!

Take care of you!

Sam!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#155: September 21, 2021, 08:10:52 AM
Tornup.....the restaurant things was so weird.  Since then....he has hardly talked or visited.  He is making a steady decent into the darkness and I won't go there with him.

I am pulling back and letting him go do what he has to do!

How are things with you?
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

T
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#156: September 21, 2021, 09:52:56 AM
sam- so many similarities on behavior. Moments of clarity and then further into darkness. Opens up and then closes down worse. I like you am now just letting him walk his journey. He had to spend the weekend with family after 10 months of hardly seeing or communicating with any. I think that is overwhelming. OW is starting to show her classless true self. Will be interesting to see if he still can’t see it clearly or since it is affecting his job and our S28 job if that will be some wake up call.

They sure all follow the same script. I like you am
No longer in savior mode and am not easily triggered. I feel real detachment starting. How has that made you feel? It has made me a little emotional this week. I have been holding, standing and fighting so long that the feeling of true detachment is a bit scarey. It is much less stressful, but I am worried I will lose feelings and if he comes back I will not be available.

Such a mixed bag of emotions. Thank you for journalling. Our time lines are similar and also the touch and go, on and off behavior of our MLC’rs seem to also be earily similar. Yet, that is why it is MLC
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« Last Edit: September 21, 2021, 11:29:35 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#157: September 21, 2021, 01:16:45 PM
Hi Sam,

Time or a new thread.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#158: October 08, 2021, 10:08:32 AM
Link to new thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11836.new#new

Crossing my fingers that it works!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

 

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