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Author Topic: My Story Changed. Change. Changing!

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My Story Changed. Change. Changing!
#150: August 18, 2021, 02:39:47 PM
Wow, Sam I Am. The calls on the restaurant visits. Wonder if he wanted you to invite yourself to join him or ask for food as an excuse to come by and see you? There is no making sense of the craziness. You sound like your in a great place handling the crazy, however!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Changed. Change. Changing!
#151: August 19, 2021, 09:51:20 PM
August is always a big month for you.  Can't believe how fast it seems to be going and how big your grandkids are getting already.

Your H still seems to be drifting in the wind.  I'm glad that you are keeping your focus on you.
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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#152: September 21, 2021, 07:58:46 AM
Updates on H:

2017 - H was grumpier than normal when I look back with those 20/20 lenses.  I see now him pulling away.  Avoiding me.  When I tried to address, he blamed it on this that or the other thing and I believed it. 

2018 - H had been gone since July.  Moved back to the area without telling anyone but his family.  Missed GSon B Day by one day.  He was avoiding me but moved in with his parents.  Didn't seek out d either.  Waited a week or two before seeing new G Daughter and G Son.  This was the month I ran my 1st 5k.  It was reported to me that he was spotted along the route several times on his MC.  He stayed out of my site...but others saw him.   I talked to him one time ran I ran into him downtown.  He gave me advise to get home before it rained since I was on my scooter.  He pretty much avoided me this month.

2019 - He was coming around sporadically.  Helping at the house then disappearing.  Showing for a family function for a few hours and disappearing.  Communication between was was sparse but better than the previous year.  Not totally avoiding me but not seeking me out either.

2020 - I saw him often this year.  Covid struck. PB was moved outside and he was showing up to play where I was playing as much as he could.  He would often ask where I was playing and either show up there or hitch a ride with me.  Much more communication.  Much more visits.  However...things were going nowhere.  Just friendly times together.

2021 - Things continue to slide backwards.  OW is posting pics of them together again.   I am so over it.  I just roll my eyes with a whatever.  I am hoping she is getting desperate.  I don't think she realizes there is ow 2 that she is competing with.  Not me. 

Communication and visits with me continue to dissinegrate.  Less calls and shorter calls.  Visits and time together is next to nil.  He went 3 weeks without seeing the grandkids.  Then when he did come to see them, he stayed only an hour and was very happy and near normal.  Then Poof  He was gone.  He even missed G Sons b day dinner again this year.  Told us he had to work....sent pics like he was visiting son....come to find out he did neither.  Assuming it was OW 1 or OW2 demanding time.  Just so hard to tell.  Sad that they took precedence over an hour long pizza supper with GSon who was disappointed that his GFather was not there.

He seems more and more un interested in life with me.  Yet he still wants to be the hero.  He comes by to mow but doesn't do a very good job.  Checks in about once or twice every week but in between it is stone cold silence.  Called yesterday to tell me the contractor I was seeking was too busy and told me to find another one. 

Memory.....What memory.   Yesterday when he called about the contractor, i reminded him he left a tool at my office from last winter.  He didn't know why.  I reminded him why....he didn't remember stopping by to try to fix my office spouting due to an ice dam.   He couldn't remember it at all.  His biggest concern was why he was carring the tool around with him.   Told him he wasn't....he grabbed it from the house and brought it to the office to help me.  Still didn't ring a bell with him. 

Sad that he is just so lost and getting worse.  The space he is creating right now is colder and darker than it has ever been....even when he moved away....it is just different.   A different type of avoidance than before.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#153: September 21, 2021, 08:05:40 AM
Updates on ME

I feel so good.   I have been inactive for the last 6 mos due to my knee injury.  Finally joined the gym and I am swimming.  It is not PB or walking or running or hiking but I am moving and feeling better and better all the time!

Mentally.....I think detachment is really kicking in.   I still notice what H is doing but I am not a watcher and I am not waiting.  He is gone.  I see that.

I recognize that things for him are going to get worse and worse until HE decides he wants to address his issues and heal.  This is all for him to do.  I am just standing back and letting him plow through his life.  His actions are showing me that he doesn't want me in his life right now.  Yet he is still not letting go either.  He has his tether to me....but I am no longer tethered to him.   

Me....I am still living.  Special times with grandkids.  Growing my business.  Still looking to expand but so much was put on hold due to COVID that expansion is also on hold...for now.

I don't have a lot to say about me.  I can't complain about anything.  Sure my knee hurts like heck at times....but it is only temporary.  Sure COVID is bringin on challenges but it is only temporary too.  Just like MLC....covid brought about some good changes in my life that I am embracing and making the most of.

I love H.  Yet right now he is in such a bad place.  He looks horrible.  Hardly ever a smile.  He is doing him and I am doing me.  Will see what the future holds.  Time will tell.
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#154: September 21, 2021, 08:08:34 AM
Faith - Yes August has some important things that happen.  Busy time and good memories!  For me at least!

Yes the grandkids are growing so much.  5 years....3 years....8 mos.  Wow!  They are so much fun to be around.  So much energy.  Even better when I spend quality time with them and then send them home   LOL.

Hope you are well.  I have to get up to date on your journey.  A lot happens in an month on this forum.  It is overwhelming!

Take care of you!

Sam!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#155: September 21, 2021, 08:10:52 AM
Tornup.....the restaurant things was so weird.  Since then....he has hardly talked or visited.  He is making a steady decent into the darkness and I won't go there with him.

I am pulling back and letting him go do what he has to do!

How are things with you?
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

T
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Changed. Change. Changing!
#156: September 21, 2021, 09:52:56 AM
sam- so many similarities on behavior. Moments of clarity and then further into darkness. Opens up and then closes down worse. I like you am now just letting him walk his journey. He had to spend the weekend with family after 10 months of hardly seeing or communicating with any. I think that is overwhelming. OW is starting to show her classless true self. Will be interesting to see if he still can’t see it clearly or since it is affecting his job and our S28 job if that will be some wake up call.

They sure all follow the same script. I like you am
No longer in savior mode and am not easily triggered. I feel real detachment starting. How has that made you feel? It has made me a little emotional this week. I have been holding, standing and fighting so long that the feeling of true detachment is a bit scarey. It is much less stressful, but I am worried I will lose feelings and if he comes back I will not be available.

Such a mixed bag of emotions. Thank you for journalling. Our time lines are similar and also the touch and go, on and off behavior of our MLC’rs seem to also be earily similar. Yet, that is why it is MLC
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« Last Edit: September 21, 2021, 11:29:35 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#157: September 21, 2021, 01:16:45 PM
Hi Sam,

Time or a new thread.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Changed. Change. Changing!
#158: October 08, 2021, 10:08:32 AM
Link to new thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11836.new#new

Crossing my fingers that it works!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.18 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away 
Summer of 2020 Less help with chores
Spring 2021 - helping with chores again

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -32 Married with 3 children 
S - 30 Married and is now a Dr.
3 Dogs-he left them all behind

 

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