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Author Topic: My Story 6 years post BD. Going on an H diet

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My Story 6 years post BD. Going on an H diet
#150: April 19, 2021, 02:32:40 PM
Attaching - thank you Milly
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K
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Re: 6 years post BD. Going on an H diet
#151: April 19, 2021, 03:19:24 PM
but they got worse with age and responsibility.

Yes! Same here. I first noticed his more toxic traits after the birth of my daughter. All of his meltdowns and crises before MLC were work related. Soon after my daughter was born, he took a new job, we moved and he had his first true work meltdown. At the time, I didn't know it was a work melt down, I just truly believed the job was too much. To his credit he never went a period where he was unemployed but our entire adult lives were defined by his varying degrees of meltdowns related to work. I am frugal anyway but I always made sure we lived very far below our means because I knew he was extremely unstable.

After he started his own company two years ago, I guess it's only natural his source of unhappiness was me. He could no longer be looking forward to "finally being happy after he quit this job or that job". I guess it was now his marriage making him miserable.

I have tried to figure out why he's kept this insane distance between himself and her. My thought was he could only keep up the facade of the nice, mentorly guy from a distance. And who knows, maybe he plays on sympathy, poor lonely guy with the cold wife. I can only guess because he lies about it. I think he even lies to himself so that makes it even harder.

Wow, who is this OW in your case, who had nothing to do but wait around for this married man? A very similar situation.
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Me - 51, xh - 52
Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

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6 years post BD. Going on an H diet
#152: April 19, 2021, 03:33:51 PM
Time for a new thread please
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

M
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Re: 6 years post BD. Going on an H diet
#153: April 19, 2021, 03:34:51 PM
Ok xy, just going to post my answer because I wrote it before I saw your post.

Kimber, you clearly point out how the MLCer is going to always find a reason to blame someone or something other than themselves. First it was your H's job, then once he had created his own job, it could only be you. This is why we mustn't think that if we had done so and so during the marriage, they would not have left. They would always have left us, or anyone they would have married. They came to us broken, just that for a combination of reasons like us being very accommodating and fixers, or there not being too many responsibilities at first, our BDs took time.

I suspect his distance between him and OW is because he knows he's not really in love with her, she is just entertainment or a drug when he needs it. Think an example like needing a drink to calm you down, or shop therapy, or a trip home to your parent who will tell you that you are the best even when you're clearly not. I remember a few years ago when my oldest D came back to Italy for Christmas for the first time since BD and stayed at her dads and there was a huge fight between D and OW on her first night back. OW got her stuff and left in the middle of the night and caught a flight to London the very next day. My D came crying to me. She told me she asked H if he loved OW. D told me her dad couldn't answer her and she could tell that it was because he did not. Our spouses need the OP, not love them. Just that we don't quite understand why they need people who are damaging them further.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

M
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Re: 6 years post BD. Going on an H diet
#154: April 19, 2021, 03:37:49 PM
New thread if anyone wants to join in the conversation.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11760.new#new
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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