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Author Topic: My Story Cleaning Out the Garage

D
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My Story Cleaning Out the Garage
#20: October 12, 2020, 10:54:58 AM
Milly and SB, we continue to be on the struggle bus with the remote learning here. The elementary schools are switching to a hybrid schedule next week but no word on the high school.  All S and I do is argue about his schoolwork.  So awful.  The numbers are climbing again in NJ and I am not hopeful that this is going to end anytime soon. 

In the meantime, everything in the house is breaking. The dishwasher is broken, the evil neighbor dogs ate a hole in my fence and ripped up the back screen door, S's bed broke, the kitchen light is acting strangely and the heater guys tells me the heater is on its last legs "any day now".  Sigh.  So , trying to prioritize all that.

Next week the township is collecting electronics so I am making a pile of stuff from the garage and elsewhere in the house for the dropoff next Saturday.  So, the garage cleanout continues.  Still work to be done but the progress is noticeable now.     

Still working on the refi of the house. I have a bunch of stuff to gather and get out to the Bank this week and LB needs to sign another paper.

S turned 15 last week.  We just had small party at the house with my Mom.  Nothing from LB on his actual birthday but LB did take him fishing with TF Saturday.

Yesterday morning I was doing the grocery shopping and I was just about finished when I realized I forgot an item.  I doubled back and was standing in the isle all alone. They didn't have my brand so I was exploring other brands of the same item when LB and MOO2 turned into the isle.  I heard LB's voice first. He was saying "I don't think you are alone in that opinion..." I literally froze... dropped what I was holding, grabbed hold of my cart and took off in the opposite direction straight for the checkout. I got to the checkout with my heart pounding and my hands shaking. I was just throwing stuff on the belt praying to God that I could get out of the store before they reappeared. The poor lady checking me out was trying to make small talk and I couldn't even hear her for my pounding heart.  I got out to the truck and his car was parked right next to mine.  So, he knew I was there.  I just lost it.... crying and throwing groceries in the truck.  Cursing myself for being such a coward and trying to understand how 4 years in I am still having this reaction. It just never ends.

Had to go back to the store later for the few things I had left without.  Spent the rest of the day down the rabbit hole. Sigh.               

       
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#21: October 12, 2020, 12:00:39 PM
Hello,

Sorry about the education issues. We have opened up of elementary students but not our middle or high school students. Trying to get our special education students back at those sites next.

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They didn't have my brand so I was exploring other brands of the same item when LB and MOO2 turned into the isle. 

You should have looked at them both and said, "I thought they were cooking broccoli somewhere, but it's just you two". Hahahahahaha
It is the hardest part and I have never had to experience my ex with someone new let alone OM. I think if she was with someone new, it wouldn't have any impact on me now. We are divorced and I am remarried so no issues. However if it was OM, I would be more intense as he played a part in the crisis.

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Cursing myself for being such a coward

Don't be hard on yourself. You were caught off guard and your mindset was not prepared to deal with them. I get it. I probably would have fled to avoid such an awkward and tense moment. Give yourself a break.

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Spent the rest of the day down the rabbit hole. Sigh. 

Get yourself out of the hole and focus on you and your mental health. Clean out the garage and attic that is in your mind.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs))

Ready


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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

C
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Re: Cleaning Out the Garage
#22: October 12, 2020, 04:06:17 PM
I’m sorry DF, that was horrible to experience, and your feelings/reaction seem completely normal and appropriate to me. I did find that when things like that happened I eventually calmed much quicker than I did in the early days. Earlier this year I found exH has a baby with his OW, and it put me in a spin, even though I consider myself to be in a very good place now. The feelings only lasted a few hours, where it could have been a week at least early days!

Good luck with all of your home maintenance issues, some of them are fun, like new bed for S, it’s just the $’s and the volume of things at once a problem, be great when they are all sorted, that and your declutter will all feel lovely!
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Me 47
H 51
3 adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

K
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#23: October 13, 2020, 08:02:45 AM
Oh yuck DF--I am so sorry. You have the double whammy that this is LB AND your former friend.  That is hard no matter how many years have passed. I would have done the same thing. No need for confrontation....ever.

You are inspiring me to clean out my garage too.   Definitely a slow process but I think we will be in a much better place once we are done.  Also, I have those same arguments with my S on the homework front. Distance learning is not easy when one also has a full time job....and is a full time parent. It is a lot and don't discount the effects it has on our mental health. I think you are doing great though.  Hugs friend. 
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#24: October 13, 2020, 11:12:14 AM
Thanks KIT , CLG and Ready.

It really didn't take me long to regroup after my ruin-in with LB and MOO2.  It is not like I want either of them back in my life.  In fact, I was more upset that they keep invading my life with their awfulness.  And yes KIT, in my crying fit in the parking lot I kept asking myself if I could have managed with just LB present. In the great scheme of all my trusts issues, I was betrayed not only by a man but also by what I thought was a trusted childhood friend.  I realize of course that calling her a friend is silly as she was never, ever really a friend to me.  But the fact that they are still together shopping together at the grocery store after 4 years makes me instantly second guess it all.  How do two people in your inner circle decide to meet secretly behind your back and conclusive decide that their lives would be so much better off without you in it.  I am clearly in the minority in this decision - it always makes me check my worth.  Maybe I AM the problem.  I mean LB's entire family seems to agree.   At the very least, I am a terrible judge of who I let into my inner circle, right?

And then the circular thinking starts - what kind of friends would meet behind their friend's back and discuss this (among others things).  What awful, terrible people would do this to someone who loves and trusts them.  It is so unthinkable.  I just can not even fathom the evil person who would do this to a friend.   

I seriously don't know how a person recovers from this kind of trauma. Do you always stare at the person sitting across from you - man or woman - and wonder if they are having secret meetings with your other friends/family/co-workers to talk about how their lives would be immeasurably better without you. I am certainly hopeful that I overcome this thought pattern one day - but this run-in does not make me hopeful.

It has been dreary here the last few days. I am hoping my mood improves with some sunshine.   

                             
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« Last Edit: October 13, 2020, 11:33:31 AM by Dumbfounded »
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#25: October 13, 2020, 05:59:43 PM
Sending you big hugs DF.  I go down similar rabbit holes more often than I'd like to admit.  Rejection is absolutely heart wrenching.  And there is a verse in the Bible that likens someone divorcing you as to someone who murdered you and is wearing your bloody coat they murdered you in around with them.  Who would do that???

It's the dismembering of one flesh.  HOW can we not feel trauma from that?  Add to that it's your childhood "friend", so a two-fer.

And for him to park right next to you?  Grrrrrrr!!!!!!  He should not only have not parked next to you, he should have found a different store to shop at.  These people don't think about anyone but themselves.  Selfish.

You are a prize!  So hold your head high and remember that.

And I read this story whenever I need some justification for my rabbit hole feelings and to pull me up a bit out of the muck.  I don't know if it's a true story, but it always makes me feel better:

https://www.news24.com/You/Archive/dont-be-me-and-live-with-regret-a-mans-letter-to-other-men-tempted-to-cheat-20170728-2

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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#26: October 14, 2020, 03:58:26 PM
DF, I can't even believe lb. What an a$$. I know rabbit holes well. It happens way too often for me and I don't know how to crawl out.

Faith, I think you've posted that story before. I so wish our exes could be reading it :(
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M
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#27: October 14, 2020, 04:24:23 PM
DF,  You showed amazing composure.  I cannot believe LB parked next to you and went in the same store with her. Just unbelievable. If it had been me, I probably would have aimed the cart and sailed it down the aisle at them. Not as graceful and composed as you were.
You are not the problem, they are just not good people right now. No hearts, no empathy.  Do climb out of the rabbit hole when you are ready. Adjust your crown, you earned it.
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M 30 years at BD, together 34

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Cleaning Out the Garage
#28: October 14, 2020, 06:53:06 PM
DF, I can't even believe lb. What an a$$. I know rabbit holes well. It happens way too often for me and I don't know how to crawl out.

Faith, I think you've posted that story before. I so wish our exes could be reading it :(

Hey Tyks!  How have you been?

Yes I have posted that before.  Most likely on my thread at some point.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

D
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Cleaning Out the Garage
#29: October 16, 2020, 10:20:44 AM
Faith... ah yes Malachi 2:16.... a man who hates and divorces his wife covers his garments in violence. He perpetrates a violence against one he should protect.  This verse makes me feel seen and understood.  It does feel like a violence.  It sure as heck hurt like physical pain. Now I have this vision of LB walking through the grocery store in a bloody trench coat. So that helps. I know the verse is limited to men but I am a liberal woman so I like to think MOO2 has her own bloody coat on in the snack isle at the grocery store.  What a vision. 

Mal, I wish I could agree but I am quite annoyed with my cowardly flight.

Tyks, LB will never get to regret.  He is a lost soul in a bloody trench coat.         
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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