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Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC

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My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#10: October 08, 2020, 07:36:42 AM
Thank you very much for following along, Roo, LL, PJ, Rose, FW, Tinnat and UM! 
Good to have you on board.

DETACHMENT

We often talk about detaching from MLCer but I found that it is beneficial to see detachment in a holistic way. 

By all means, separate your emotion ecosystem from that of MLCer.  It is just as important to step back from the MLC situation, not only the person afflicted with it, and see the big picture — a prerequisite for reality check. 

In my view, one of the signs of detachment is when the need to learn more about MLC or MLCer’s state of mind hardly registers on the scale.  You realize one day that you know enough and more knowing won’t get you anywhere.  So you shift your focus from trying to figure out what’s going on in someone else’s head to making your every day as meaningful and beautiful as you can — that is my litmus test for detachment!

I fear that intensely focussing on MLCer for a prolonged period of time may result in LBS’s unhealthy obsession with or addiction to MLCer and distorts LBS’s perception of reality.  That has to be detrimental to LBS’s mental health and hinder LBS from healing and getting the best out of life.  It’s a great pity to let life pass you by while you are playing a mental ‘ring-o-ring-o-Rosie’ around MLCer.  Stepping out of that ‘ring’ is difficult but a task worth your while, I suggest.

What is empowering for LBS is that she can proactively choose actions to shift the focus away from everything to do with MLCer.  These actions needn’t be heroic, such as cleaning up Mt Everest.  It could be as simple as heading outdoors and pulling some weeds in your garden while listening to your favourite podcast or music.  You fake it proactively, doggedly, and consistently over a long period of time till you make it.  At least, that’s the way it worked out for me, but then I’m only one sample...

‘Do something that has nothing to do with MLC/MLCer, and as often as you can,’ helped me greatly.  Just sayin’.

Wishing all of you a wonderful day!  Perhaps MLC/MLCer free for some parts of it?  :D


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« Last Edit: October 08, 2020, 08:03:36 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#11: October 08, 2020, 09:47:44 AM
Beautifully said! There’s a big difference between getting off the roller coaster and really, truly detaching. It is essential for the LBS to overcome the anxiety and the volatility that comes along with being on the MLCer’s roller coaster, that is true. But the real mirror work can’t start until the LBS’ focus shifts from the MLCer and the crisis itself to a more inward focus. What does it mean for you to be your best self?

I admit I am still working on that and I do want to understand what (if any)specific things have defined my MLCer’s journey. But I also know that if I ever learn those things, it will be from my MLCer and it will only happen if and when we reconnect on the other side of this. Until that time, anything I came up with would be speculation. Far better to spend the time figuring out myself. Am I happy, and could I be happier or more fulfilled? If there’s something more I want for my life, how can I get there? Thanks for expressing this so eloquently...as much as your overall story offers hope for reconciliation, the real lesson is in how you have come through this process whole, happy, and maybe even better than you were before.
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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#12: October 08, 2020, 11:43:30 AM
Wise advice, Acorn.  I remember the first early days of trying to wrap my mind around what had actually happened, and in those days I simply couldn't believe it was real.  There was NO WAY it was real, there was no way my whole life had been wiped out so completely.

But after I got my bearings and realized that my entire life was in fact wiped out, it would have done me no good whatsoever to simply sit in the rubble of the past lamenting the fact that I had carefully planned out a life that was now gone.  The only thing I could do was accept that it was gone and figure out what my life would look like going forward.  So I figured out where I wanted to be (keyword "I" - I had to find a place for ME, not a place that would suit some future "us" or be easy for my H to return to).  I didn't think of the future in terms of anything he had done, was doing or might do in the near or distant future.  I thought in terms of what I wanted my life to look like, and then I ended up choosing a city hundreds and hundreds of miles away from anywhere I'd ever lived, packed up and moved to start MY new life.  (And it turned out I loved the new city I moved to - though I eventually had to leave that behind too, but that's a different story altogether, lol.) 

The point is, what's done is done, what's gone is gone.  I had literally planned out my entire life and it was all gone in what seemed like the blink of an eye, not even a shred of it left.  Repeatedly asking why wouldn't change that.  "Live like they're not coming back" is not just empty advice.  It's crucial.  Life happens, whether we like it or not.   It throws curve balls left and right and more often than not, we get no say in how things turn out for ourselves, never mind how they turn out for anyone else.
The only thing we actually get to dictate is the kind of person we want to be.
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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#13: October 12, 2020, 09:15:44 AM
Thank you, LL and Nas, for chiming in with your insights.  I very much appreciate your mature view on life. 

‘What’s done is done.  What gone is gone’ indeed.  That’s acceptance in a nutshell, isn’t it.

...........

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!
A special nod to all the Canucks, particularly my fellow Ontarians! 

Cheers!
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Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

K
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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#14: October 13, 2020, 01:06:14 PM

‘Do something that has nothing to do with MLC/MLCer, and as often as you can,’ helped me greatly.  Just sayin’.


This is gold.  Of course I think I do all things that have nothing to do with my MLCer, and yet, my thoughts are often times overrun with him. So now, thanks to your musings, I think I will try in earnest to get past that. How does one train oneself to not think of something? Or someone? Alcohol? LOL--kidding of course though I admit I've tried that approach which always fails miserably.


‘What’s done is done.  What gone is gone’ indeed.  That’s acceptance in a nutshell, isn’t it.


Indeed. Thanks for the reminder.  And Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!
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Me 50
H 49
S15
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#15: October 13, 2020, 10:32:17 PM

‘Do something that has nothing to do with MLC/MLCer, and as often as you can,’ helped me greatly.  Just sayin’.


This is gold.  Of course I think I do all things that have nothing to do with my MLCer, and yet, my thoughts are often times overrun with him. So now, thanks to your musings, I think I will try in earnest to get past that. How does one train oneself to not think of something? Or someone? Alcohol? LOL--kidding of course though I admit I've tried that approach which always fails miserably.


I am in that situation at the moment. What helped me to not think of something is if I have other things which absorb me. I've taken up 1 new hobby and 1 new sport which require me to attend classes and to do "homework" whenever I can. I am loving it, I am feeling very fulfilled, and most importantly, I find that my mind doesn't drift to the MLCer as much as before.   
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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#16: October 15, 2020, 11:24:22 AM
Acorn - Attaching and learning from your amazing insight and wealth of understanding.

Sea
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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#17: October 19, 2020, 12:51:02 PM
KIT, Tinnat and Sea, thank you for reading and commenting on my thread!  (((((HUGS))))))
............

H and I had a conversation a few days ago regarding what H described as ‘the period when I mentally and spiritually broke down.’ He summarized it as a ‘complete break down of his core.’ 

He said, ‘I shattered.’

His heart and mind hurt unbearably and his anger was bottomless. He was desperate to discover the source of his pain and rage.  If only he knew the cause, then maybe he could resolve it and lead a peaceful life. 

He talked about the possible origin of his pain and rage with me several times during his crisis and he slowly figured out where this all-consuming anger came from — FOO issues.  And then he questioned if he had any identity to call his own.   He examined his previously held beliefs and attitudes.  He likened it to cleaning his slate of other’s writings and newly inscribing on it with his own pencil.  For that, he needed a lot of time and space.  He thanked me for my ‘quietness.’  Whatever that means. I did not ask. 

The term ‘midlife crisis’ does not seem to adequately express the serious nature of what my husband experienced. I don’t know, MLC sounds almost too bland or frivolous to me.   Just my opinion.

If I were to rename H’s crisis, I would call it DIP - Dramatic Individuation Process, fuelled by FOO issues from his childhood.  The ultimate purpose of his crisis was to define his own identity and value system, apart from what his parents and society dictated.  I assumed wrong for the longest time that resolving FOO issues was the goal of his crisis. It was merely a preparation for individuation.  It appears that the purpose of his crisis was to build his identity from the ground up.  It matters little that his ‘new’ identity is similar to the one before BD.  What matters is that he now owns and operates it.

Wishing you all a great week!

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« Last Edit: October 19, 2020, 12:54:54 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#18: October 19, 2020, 01:00:37 PM
Thanks for that really helpful insight from you and your H, Acorn! I think it is really useful to think of things that way. It is reassuring on some level to know that for your H, the post-crisis person is very similar to who he was pre-BD. Not that I have any intention of extrapolating his experience to my W’s. But it is helpful to see that at least some of the time, the person we knew for our entire pre-BD life is fundamentally the person they continue to be - that is, it’s the MLC version that is not a true reflection of how they want their lives to be. I know that hasn’t been everyone’s experience, but I am very happy it’s been yours
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Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
#19: October 19, 2020, 01:16:22 PM
His core beliefs are similar to pre-BD, and so is his value system. 

There are some aspects that are quite different from before his crisis.  One aspect is his relationship with others.  It’s fundamentally changed; so much so that I wonder at the fact that we actually reconciled.  I’ve done my share of changing and growing, and so did he.  It happens that our journeys brought us to the same junction — a blessing for which I give thanks daily. 
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