[Curiosity]

This is beautiful and feels so true... I think it perfectly describes what detachment is and why the idea of being “too detached” isn’t something we have to worry about if we are doing it with the goal of allowing both people to heal.

I love the visual of lengthening of the emotional cord, the idea that you still feel the tremors of his emotional cycling but that the slack in the cord and the length of the cord allow it to just be a gentle vibration; you’re aware of it but not thrown off balance.

No one story can serve as a template for how to reconcile. Each MLCer is different, each spouse is different, and each crisis is different. But the common threads of love, empathy, and detachment seem like they can benefit each of us, whatever happens with the relationship. I am glad you have had the outcome that you have, but I suspect your growth would have made you (and your H) just as much a success story even if you had not reconciled. That is one of the most wonderful things about this forum; there are so many examples of whole, healed people no matter the status of their marriage.

[Acorn]

Hi Curiostiy, welcome to my thread and thank you for sharing your observations.  What you said about ‘success story’ resonates with me.  Also the point about each MLCer, LBS and crisis being different. 

..........

Before I put the following in the garbage, I will put it here, just in case someone finds bits of it useful for self introspection, healing and growing.  It is particularly relevant to ‘detachment.’

My note says ‘by a marriage and family therapist.’ 
(I most probably kept only the parts that were relevant to me at the time.)

.........

LETTING GO

Fundamentally, we’re powerless over someone else. Knowing this intellectually and knowing it emotionally are different, but practicing these tips will gradually change your thinking, feeling, and actions. There are many situations where we need to let go, and not all of these tips will apply to yours. Still, they’ve worked for me and countless others:

# Mind your own business & don’t give advice.

# Focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy and further your goals.

# Practice compassion for the other person. This doesn’t mean you accept unacceptable behavior, but understanding can help you to not react and to see him or her as separate from you.

# Remember:
     
 - You didn’t cause the other person’s problem or addiction.
 - You can’t control it.
 - You can’t fix it.

# The 4 Don’ts:

- Don’t watch
- Don’t expect
- Don’t judge
- Don’t obsess

# Q.T.I.P. Quit Taking It Personally. Other people’s actions don’t reflect on you. Practice listening without reacting.

# Meditation and Mindfulness. This helps you think before you speak and respond instead of react.

# Journal your feelings. Instead of acting on them, write and reflect on them. Share it with a good friend.

# Act as if. Visualize how you’d like to act and respond. Practice doing it even if you feel like strangling the person instead!

# Have a “Plan B.” Instead of feeling like a victim of his or her moods, make alternate plans, even if it’s to stay at home and finish a novel. Don’t allow your happiness and serenity to be controlled by someone else.

# Practice accepting reality. Are your expectations realistic? Unreasonable expectations feed resentment, disappointment, and futile attempts to control.

# Prayer. Praying for someone you care about, whom you can’t control or change is a positive action. See him or her surrounded in light and send the person blessings.

[9393roo]

This is great Acorn.  I will be printing this one out!

[Seahorse]

Yes Acorn - that is great advice to be sure...
Thank you for sharing it with us.

[Acorn]

Thank you, Roo and Sea!  (((((HUGS)))))

In these dark times of political unrest and raging pandemic, I’d thought I’d share a positive story. 

S1, who was most affected by H’s MLC and had to have numerous counselling sessions to mend his broken heart and overcome situational anxiety and depression, is thriving in his studies at a professional school.   

Interestingly, he was told by his professor that he had never encountered a more mature and objective student in all of his 30 years of teaching in this particular subject.  S1 apparently had to deal with a simulated situation where a ‘difficult client’ (played by an actress) with multiple problems tried to provoke him to anger.  The prof was impressed that S1 didn’t take the ‘client’s’ words personally, treated her with respect and compassion, validated her but was firm with his boundaries.  Sounds familiar?  (This is what LBSs strive for, right?)

H and I teared up when he shared his experience with us.  S1’s experience illustrated one of the silver linings of H’s MLC.  This kid went through so much but turned his horrible experience into gold.  He has healed and grown so much so that he was able to tell me that his experience during H’s MLC was not something he would have ever wished for but he is now thankful for it! 

I know S1 did it all himself.  He did the painful and hard work of recognizing his deep wounds; taking the ownership of his mental state, rather than blaming people and situation; searching for the right therapist; persisting with those painful sessions. 

What I have learned from observing H and our children is that no amount of therapy would have done much good unless they were willing to face themselves and work diligently to resolve their respective issues.

Wishing you a great day! 

[Acorn]

During H’s replay, his toxic MLC fume was suffocating our children.  He not only turned off his love for them, he was downright aggressive and mean to them, and then they became just some meaningless pieces of furniture to him — one of the most curious things about his MLC.  I suspect he is not the only MLCer with this ‘anti-kids’ syndrome.  I’m willing to bet it is rather common. 

It’s one thing to be mean toward me.  After all, he believed that I was the source of his misery.  But what did the kids ever do to him, except love and respect him? 

Now I see that one of the main reasons I searched for family law attorneys was to protect my kids from further harm.  That was my ulterior motive, the extent of which I wasn’t even fully aware until now.  I was prompted to this realization by a conversation H and I had last night, regarding a friend of mine who unfortunately had to deal with her spouse who became very angry and aggressive toward her and their kids.  Early onset dementia...  He is in a long term care home now, even though she could care for him at home for a while yet.  She did it for her kids and now they are thriving again.

It looks like H turned toward us in the nick of time before I could launch a ‘save the kids’ action by filing for separation. 

[KeepItTogether]

I am so please about S1. What an accomplishment. I love to see when the children (even if these children are older or even adults) can flourish in spite of all that has happened. To be verbally abused and/or abandoned, their issues run so deep and it makes me burst into tears every time I allow myself to think about it.

"Save the Kids" action. Makes so much sense.  And always a difficult, if not impossible question. When there is no monster, and a disappearing "father," the question becomes moot I suppose, unless one were sufferings too much emotionally?

I like that list of Letting Go. It seems I need to re-engage it. Thanks for posting.

[Acorn]

KIT, I know you are doing your very best for your boy.  He is extremely fortunate to have a mother who is devoted to him and focussed on being the best role model that she can be for him.  (((((HUGS)))))

..............

It is getting close to the 4th anniversary of my beloved father’s passing.  My mind wonders back to him throughout the day, every day in December and January.  I cry a little...  It was a difficult period in my life.  H was in replay, disconnected from me and our beautiful children who were struggling, and I was on the other side of the world, caring for my father who was declining rapidly in the hospital.  (My daughter, who is working in ICU at the moment, described recently what serious covid 19 sickness and death look like.  I was shocked at how eerily similar her descriptions were to what my father went through in the last few days of his life...) 

He was a pastor, a scholar, a prof, the author of many scholarly books, and a mentor for numerous pastors and writers.  He was working till the day he was admitted to the hospital for his serious lung condition.  He refused to be intubated for ventilation (he did have some help from non-invasive ventilation) because he wanted to be present in the moment and be able to talk to us if he could. 

I miss my father so much.  He was such a beautiful human being whose aim in life was to give, and give some more.  He was one of the most unselfish people I have ever encountered.  He lived to be of service to God and his neighbour. A true Christian. 

It is a beautiful day.  The blue skies and pristine white snow.  Off to walk on my favourite trail for the second time today.  I saw a soaring eagle this morning.  Maybe I will see a cardinal or two this afternoon?

[Nas]

What a lovely tribute to your father, A.
I hope you have a nice peaceful walk.

[Treasur]

Ah, dear girl, I did not know that you had lost your father too during the dark days. I am so sorry for your loss.
But weren't we blessed as women to have such fine fathers? I miss mine too very much but I carry him with me every day as I'm sure you do. Every time I see an LBS father here digging deep to be a lighthouse for his kids, I am reminded of how beautiful these good fathers are....and that sometimes we may forgot to tell them, in a society that perhaps acknowledges motherhood more readily, how much they matter in the lives of their daughters.