Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story My life after separation with a clinger

b
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2714
  • Gender: Female
My Story My life after separation with a clinger
#150: March 21, 2021, 10:04:56 AM
Quote
Until and unless your H makes fundamental shifts and connection how will you take care of yourself?
.

Boy, this is a great statement!  It truly resonates with me and it is how I live my life 100%.   My H has not "done the work" or managed to break thru his avoidance, defence mechanisms or finding ways to feel "safe".   Will he ever be able to make some progress or shifts?   I do not know.  He continues in therapy, but in the meantime , my energy has to go to taking care of ME.  Thank you Marvin.
  • Logged
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

9
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 743
  • Gender: Female
My life after separation with a clinger
#151: March 21, 2021, 10:16:02 AM
Marvin, your post is 100% accurate in my case as well.  My H has also started therapy, started facing his issues and is in no way shape or form ready to take on us.  He even tells me this and has asked me to give him time to figure himself out. 

Quote
Until and unless your H makes fundamental shifts and connection how will you take care of yourself?

This is golden. 
  • Logged
Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4381
  • Gender: Female
My life after separation with a clinger
#152: March 21, 2021, 10:33:46 AM
How do you "tell" someone to wait?  With kindness and consideration. Mindfullness, if you will. If someone is asking something of you, it means they at least believe that you are the person who can fulfill their current need. A courteous reply to a request to see photos that only you possess if you are busy at the moment is "I'll need a few minutes to finish up what I am currently doing, do you mind if I send them in 15 minutes or so?" And then actually do what you said. This is assuming you actually care about the other person.  If you do this 95% of the time, unless the other person is disordered, the other 5% will just be a blip on the radar. The words you use, your tone of voice, they all matter.

My D and I are currently living together. When either of us makes a request of the other and the requestee cannot comply right then, we might ask "Could this wait until x time, or does it need to be done now?" Or "My thought process is somewhere else just now, can I get back to you when I can give that the proper attention?" Those words are based on mutual respect and consideration for the other person and it comes through with the tone, attitude, demeanor, and word choice.

When you don't feel safe, even slight word changes or word combinations can be a problem. Dismissive is always offensive, as if the other person's opinion or desires are not simply equal to yours, they are more important than yours, and yours are not of any value at all. When someone distractedly says, "I'm busy." without even looking at you, it's dismissive. Even if you are detached and look at it dispassionately, it doesn't change the intent of the comment.

Are you reactive, Dragonfly? Probably. But why is it that he says "your entire weekend was ruined" because he did "that one thing". Did YOU think the whole weekend was ruined, or are you angry about the one thing? Is HE the one making that one thing that made you angry into catastrophic proportions? Is he taking the things you call him on, things that he has done that are not appropriate or kind, and instead of behaving like a normal human being and saying " I am so sorry, I did not mean to dimiss or trigger or anger you. How would you have liked me to do that in the future?" he makes "everything ruined" when everything else was fine.

One minor screw up does not ruin an entire outing, vacation, marriage under normal circumstances. Not with normal people.

You know what he is right now. If you expect something different, I doubt you will get it. You can accept poor behavior,  remove yourself from being around poor behavior, or address poor behavior. (If there is another choice, I'm not sure what it is). Accepting it means he'll think it's ok when he behaves in a rude manner. Addressing it means telling him how you feel and knowing he will behave as if he should be able to behave in a poor way and you should not call him on it. Detaching means you can do that, and not not take it personally and be hurt that he cares more about his being called on his poor behavior than your feelings. Because it's not about you at all for him. It's about him and how he wants to do it his way and you should just be "happy" with whatever he gives you, even if it isn't what you want.

There are people who think that what they think is valid for everyone. It's not, it's simply their opinion of what is valid due to their own experiences and thought processes. But they cannot comprehend that someone else might have different experiences and thought processes that are just as valid. IMO, when mlc comes into play, the mlcer cannot comprehend a view other than their own. If he's ok updating his sport likes, you should be ok, too. He doesn't see that you wanted pictures that only he had.  He could not see that if you had them, then he could "like" until the cows came home.

This is what you have right now. Hes going to behave as he does. The only person you can change is you. Are you looking to be less reactive? Are you looking to be more detached? Keep taking that time for yourself to calm your mind so you can decide how to take care of you.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: March 21, 2021, 11:07:49 AM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4381
  • Gender: Female
My life after separation with a clinger
#153: March 21, 2021, 11:04:11 AM
And  now since I am here.

It's new thread time!!!!


New thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11749.0
  • Logged
« Last Edit: March 30, 2021, 05:02:44 PM by Thunder »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.