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Author Topic: My Story BRAND NEW MAN 11

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#150: May 10, 2021, 04:58:20 AM
First of all, Watcher, I want to acknowledge just how very pissed off you feel. With folks here, xw, your l, the legal system, maybe even your sons. Some of your anger has maybe been building up for a long time bc you have been tap dancing around in an emotionally abusive seven year s$itstorm. While being pressured to do x or y by various players (many with female faces) including your own family at times. And you might feel that you got very little that you were trying to achieve no matter what you did right down to a relationship with your sons. I would guess it is possible that you are even angry with yourself sometimes bc of choices you made in the past based on what you thought you knew then.

And it WAS a tremendous level of abuse, Watcher, right from BD. You did well to survive it, my friend, and seemingly have most of your marbles. :) There was nothing normal about your experience and it is not a normal divorce situation; it must feel very frustrating sometimes if you feel that is not acknowledged by others, by the legal system and perhaps most of all here. I’m sorry if anything I have said to you has left you feeling that.

But you are still on the battlefield practically speaking - at least to some extent - and it is hard to recover from abuse, gaslighting, threats and manipulation imho until you can go NC with it. Your xw imho has always seen you as a possession since BD and used your love for your sons as a way to either hurt you or control you. I am not a parent and so I can only imagine how difficult that must be.

I dn’t know what you will decide to do with regard to your sons.
But I do know - or i’m pretty confident I know - that the only way to really heal from abouse and mindf**kery is to surgically remove it from your life. Which means NC with your xw at all about anything. Not money, not adult kids, not her messes, not dogs, not funerals or weddings, not the sky falling in. Complete NC directly and with time hopefully NC at all.Legally speaking, you might not yet be able to do that quite yet.l..but that time will come soon, Watcher. (Although I can’t help but think that many lawyers would have treated some of the issues differently if you were an abused wife....then again, maybe not....the law seems to be very slow on catching up with the reality of this kind of coercive control. I am grateful that my lawyer got it from the off bc she had dealt with it before in a case with rather tragic consequences for the LBS.) You are closer to it now, just as you say. I wish you were already there....if I had a magic wand....and I can’t tell you how different life in my head is now after a couple of years of not only NC but no possible contact. It sucks that healing from this kind of insane abuse takes so frigging long....but it does come and it feels so different when it does. And ironically when it does, the need for such strict NC may even ease a bit depending on circumstances.  ::).....certainly I don’t NEED NC now like I did, I just see no point to having any if that makes sense....bc I ran out of f**ks to give as I started to heal. What happened got smaller as other things in life started to grow bigger. (So NC still works for me but I don’t need the defence of it anymore, I suppose?)

So, vent if it helps.....get cross with us if you want to.....but keep moving forward towards your NC with your abuser day. Those of us who have survived extreme and insane abuse will not be saying you should contact your xw about anything at all......we will virtually high five you every time you find a workaround that helps you stay NC.  :)

We will listen when you shout and cheer you on when you get there. We will hope that one or both of your young adult sons decide to free themselves from the same kind of abusive control and that you are able to rebuild a good relationship with them from a safe solid place.  And some of us here will keep the faith that you WILL get to the life on the other side of WTF even if you doubt it......we want you to have a good happy life, Watcher, bc you matter to us. X

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« Last Edit: May 11, 2021, 03:02:44 PM by Thunder »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg


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