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Author Topic: My Story My life after separation with a clinger

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My Story My life after separation with a clinger
#10: April 05, 2021, 05:15:31 AM
Dragonfly, read all of what Barbie has said and read it again.  This is pure gold.  Great post Barbie. 
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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My life after separation with a clinger
#11: April 05, 2021, 09:45:23 AM
Quote

some of the ways to practice compassionate detachment:

Refuse to engage in a conversation with someone who is being irrational, disrespectful, or hostile.
Don’t allow someone to affect your moods, thoughts, preferences, opinions, or plans.
Realize that you are not responsible for the shortcomings, failures, and poor choices of others.
Understand that you are not being selfish when you protect yourself from someone who hurts you. 
Accept that you can still love someone and need to protect yourself from him or her.
Recognize that you deserve to be loved, respected, and treated with kindness.
Focus on the opportunities you have for fulfilling your potential and creating the life you want.

https://incessanthoughts.com/how-to-detach/

Agree with Roo the entire post is extremely valuable, especially the above about compassionate detachment.   This is something that I'm still trying to figure out with my MLC W.   Hope the best for you Dragonfly, Barbie, and all the others on this board dealing with their MLC spouse.
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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My life after separation with a clinger
#12: April 06, 2021, 10:22:05 AM
Barbie I had to reread and reread your post to make it sink in in my stubborn brain. It is very insightful what you said about not letting yourself get affected by the action of my H. But truly today it was so hard. This morning my car didn’t start, my h offered to take me to school. I was very thankful that he was around. Otherwise I would miss work. It’s my birthday today so I could not avoid but think my H must have prepare something. He told me would bring my bike that he dismantled and have it fixed at the shop because he couldn’t do it himself. Durinh the day m H asked me what I wanted to eat for dinner. He came to pick me up at the end of the day at work to which I am very grateful. Then I asked him his day was, he started telling me he had coffee with his boss, he went to the sport shop to buy a new gadget then he went to have his bike readjusted, he did his laundry in other words everything about him. And then he said he bought me a cake but he forgot the cake and he didn’t have time to have my bike fixed. He said to me this morninh as well that he wanted to buy me present but since i already bought the present that he wanted to give me, he didn’t get me a present. I told him I don’t need a material present but I just need to be loved by him. Well, today I was just so upset because he couldn’t even fix me a dinner, he bought cheese which I know I will have to cook and prepare myself. Really minimum effort to nothing. I came home, and arrange the apartment because everything was a chaos after we came from camping, he didn’t even think of maybe doing my laundry as well. He came home with me because he picked me up from work and then he sat in front pf the TV because he was too exhausted from running around for his sport. He even had the time to cycle and he didn’t think that perhaps he could call the garage and have my keys fixed. All these are so frustrating that after arranging the apartment I went to bed and closed my bedroom while my H watched tv until it was time to go for his sports therapy. So now he’s gone for 1.5 hours and is probably expecting I would do the cheese and he eats when he gets back. My H has totally turned into a person I don’t know anymore. It’s hard not to get affected. And I didn’t have any expectations at all until he started enumerating what he did for himself that I realized I was at the bottom of the pyramid.

I will try to soothe myself and not react but I am just so tired right now. I always prepared something special for my H on his birthday that when he comes from work he just sits and enjoy his dinner. I sometimes need this once in a while on my birthday. Made me ask myself what is my worth in my H‘s husband. Do I have worth at all. I know this where detachment comes in but like what Treasur said I just have to accept that this is what I feel at the moment. I want to allow myself to feel this way because I am really hurt.
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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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My life after separation with a clinger
#13: April 08, 2021, 11:33:11 AM
Hello,

Quote
Barbie I had to reread and reread your post to make it sink in in my stubborn brain. It is very insightful what you said about not letting yourself get affected by the action of my H. But truly today it was so hard.

I read your post and I am the first to agree that your h was a self-centered a$$hole. OMG. In context, my wife and I both had our second vaccine shot for covid. Both of us were really tired and had body aches the next day. She went to work and stated she felt so tired. I texted her that I would order pizza for dinner and knowing she had to go to the store to buy items for her lunches that she makes and sells on Friday, I told her that I would drive her to the store and help her shop and then we would go pick up the pizza.

This was your birthday and all of his actions demonstrated no consideration for you at all. I know my wife's favorite food and places she likes to eat. It seems from my perspective that your h did nothing to support you and he knew that this was your day.

So, process your hurt and now think how you are going to respond. Like I posted before, you don't want to paint him in a corner where he feels that he does nothing right and doesn't want to even try. I would mention how you enjoyed camping and had a good time with him. Then ask him, how would he rate himself on your birthday?  Let him talk and listen to him.

If you do need to talk, use I messages to respond. "When this happened, I felt hurt. I did not want to prepare cheese on my birthday and I felt sad because it seemed I was not important." The use of "I" statements are you to address your feelings without attacking him personally. That only will shut him down. If he talks, even if you don't agree with him, thank him for opening up and talking to you.

After he is done, then journal his statements and how you felt. Reread Barbie's post and then plan your next response.

I am so sorry he hurt you on your birthday. Make sure you do something special for yourself and make that day your special day!

(((((Ready)))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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My life after separation with a clinger
#14: April 08, 2021, 12:10:29 PM
Hi Ready thank you for this. I am actually crying right now. So that evening on my birthday when he came back, I was already cooking the potatoes. I did my laundry and tidied up my place. He came back from his massage at 8.30 pm. I was taking a shower when he came back so he started preparing the table. He told me he bought a special wine. I never mentioned about anything and we just talked about somethjng else I can’t remember it even anymore. At some point he was talking about himself again. I finally blurted out That I felt like I am at the bottom of his pyramid. He asked me what I meant but I told him just forget about it. He said to me he was thinking of buying me a present that day on my birthday but he couldn’t decide and he wouldn’t want to just buy anything. He started thinking about my present on the day of my birthday and he didn’t have time anymore of course because he was too busy about himself. So he said, which is for me very manipulative, that I was so special that it takes time for him to find a perfect present for me. In the end there was no present at all. Now the cake, according to him is in his fridge in his apartment. He forgot because he was busy. The bike, he brought it to the shop to have it fixed but never got it back. So I have to go to the shop and get my bike. That night after dinner he offered to clean the table. I went to my room and he watched tv until he was too tired and came to the room. He was being nice to me and I finally talked about it. He said he knew I would feel upset because he knows I think I am not important to him. He said sorry. I think It has become a habit to him to say sorry but I don’t know if those words even mean something to him. I believe if one is sorry then you don’t keep doing things that hurt your loved ones. I told him he could have brought my car to the garage to have the keys fixed but instead he went for coffee. He said he thought about it but he didn’t have the key. Really shallow reasons. He could have driven to my school and got my keys. Then I started talking to him about how I envy at how much respect he gives to OW. He never said anything bad about her and he has always protected her not to get dragged. I, his wife, has received all kinds of insult unimaginable. He paid for all the hotels they stayed in when they were holidaying together while he almost used up all my salary for our vacation. That’s why I am so angry about the Ow. He said to me she is not important to him blah blah. And it will not happen again because now he knows what he wants. Everytime I ask my H why the OW was physical with him he said he didn’t know. She just grabbed his arm without saying anything. He was crying most of the time because he felt guilty while being with her. He said he was the problem but then he said it was the antidepressant that changed him and made him do those things. He said he couldn’t understand himself why he did those things. He said he’s telling the truth now but actually all I get from him is his standard answers; I dont know, I have no idea, I forgot. It was a very frustrating talk that I gave up and went to bed feeling upset. I cannot win because he always has a reason why he didn’t do anything.

I came home the following day really very upset. I texted him and told him I didn’t want to see him for now. I told him that he was not interested at all to work on us because he hasn’t done anything. The marriage counselor’s name is sitting on the table and he hasn’t touched it. He texted me back and told him we needed a counselor and that he would call the one my therapist recommended. He asked me to send it to him. Which I didnt reply anymore. He told me I was his soulmate and he only wanted to be with me. a lot of blah blah. I said so many hurtful things to him because I was really very angry. I told he he and his ow deserved each other. I was just so furious that he booked her an expensive hotel while he left me in a $h!tety hotel that day he came to see her. So instead of doing something to appease me today my H didn’t bother to text or call and went to the mountains to do his sport. He probably will spend the rest of the week there enjoying himself. Texting everybody pictures of what he’s doing.

How more selfish can they get? It’s just hard to believe sometimes. I am really like a spare tire. When I get angry and upset he disappears. I am only nice to be with for as long as I shut my mouth.

I am sorry for the rant today. I just feels very bad. I don’t even want to eat right now. I feel like this is all my fault because I put myself in this situation. I should have known better. I let myself be carried away by his words when deep inside my body is revolting and telling me this is not right.
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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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My life after separation with a clinger
#15: April 08, 2021, 12:38:16 PM
Please don't apologise, Dragonfly, and please don't beat yourself up any more.
Or you'll have to beat most of us up too bc most of us here have done similar things. At least for a while  ::)

Quote
I let myself be carried away by his words when deep inside my body is revolting and telling me this is not right.
I know feeling like this right now probably feels pretty awful.
But I want to encourage you to see it as a door not a wall.
Some wise bit of you is telling you what you need right now - bc where you are feels so horrible - and imho the benefit of letting yourself feel how you feel is that you get to see the shape of the doorway out.
I would also encourage you to keep it very simple for the moment.....
Do some things that make you feel just a little bit good (doesn't matter what they are, big or small), some things that remind you that your birthday is an opportunity to celebrate for you that you are still here, breathing in and out.
Second, accept that your h is currently lost in self-centredness and entitlement. It isn't right....but it is how it is. Make that your starting expectation....that he is a self-centred a$$hat....bc it hurts you every time you expect something better. So stop.....release yourself from that pressure.
Third, give up on words. His are worth very little. And yours are a waste of good breath bc if you have to explain to an adult how to not behave like a self-centred a$$hat, you are already fighting a losing battle. It isn't that he doesn't see; it's that he disagrees that he should. Or thinks he can work round it. Trust that you know how people behave when they value you.....let him work out how to do that or let him live with the consequences of not doing so.

But please do not beat yourself up for trying....it's normal....sometimes we have to touch the stove enough times to start to really see clearly why it's time to stop.

And from all of us here, Happy Birthday....I promise there will be better birthdays and sunnier days to come, dear girl x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My life after separation with a clinger
#16: April 08, 2021, 12:46:37 PM
I’m sorry that you still have to be on the receiving end of this selfishness and inconsistency. It seems like often these attempts at reconnection happen when the MLCer isn’t done yet - they are still in their tunnel of selfishness, and even though they say they want the marriage, their actions do nothing to prove it. It seems to me, as someone who is still in the “GAL/MLCer is still in the tunnel” phase, like the decision to reconnect and the early steps of reconnection are in many ways as hard as the days after BD. It’s not shocking in the same way, but it’s hard to know what your boundaries need to be and what your level of detachment needs to be.

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer beyond that, but healthy boundaries and healthy detachment are key to making it through this stage, it seems, and there is no clear guideline about what those should be. Know that you have support and an outlet here, though, for anything you need to process.

Adding: what Treasur said, with all of her usual eloquence, is so on target. Base your expectations on his actions - which is to say, keep your expectations at zero. And yes, you should definitely celebrate your birthday for yourself, and know that we are with you in spirit.
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My life after separation with a clinger
#17: April 08, 2021, 01:33:51 PM
Thank you Treasur. I’ve been telling myself for weeks not to expect anything from him and just see take him for his actions. But probably deep inside I was expecting better and hoping and it gets squashed every time he shows is self centeredness and his selfish self. Thank you for reminding me that life is still good to me. I was so lost in my H’s promises that he has changed and he wanted to make things better. And then it feels like being slammed with the door on your face.

This $h!te really hurts. I wish I could just shut my mouth and not say anything to him.

Curiosity thank you again and again for being here. I think my H hasn’t come out totally out of that tunnel. He’s wanting to but then he is not ready to face what he has done. He keeps telling me he is not proud of what he’s done and he wants to make things right. But the how is missing at this point. As for my boundaries, I actually have no more idea what to set. He is not monstering anymore. He can be rude at times but then I would just walk away and not to talk to him anymore if that happens. So far that’s the only boundary I have now. He has stopped contacting those women, according. I don’t even know if I should believe because he was also that convincing when he told me he was not meeting the OW. But then it turned out they spent three nights together going to romantic places and going romantic stuff together. So really, I know my H is still not telling the whole truth. I realized even if I put him on an electric chair he will never tell me the truth because he is so not ready at all.

My H just wants holidaying with me. He opens up with joy and excitement if we talk about holidays and traveling. When it’s about how I am feeling then suddenly it becomes a sad moment.

Yeah so now , he’s gone. Do not know what he does and do not want to ask either. I will definitely buy my cake tomorrow for my belated happy birthday. Thank you for you words of encouragement.

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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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My life after separation with a clinger
#18: April 09, 2021, 08:37:13 AM
So I got home from work today with a present and bday candles on my table and a cake in the fridge. My H obviously came to my apartment as he has my key. He made my bed which was a mess. This morning and had my bike fixed. Just wanted to share some positive notes. And now I don’t know where he is. lol I wish everyone a great and relaxing weekend.
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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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My life after separation with a clinger
#19: April 11, 2021, 07:09:57 AM
Hello,

I wrote a post the other day and lost it somehow. I do hope you had a day to celebrate you. Happy Birthday!!!!

Quote
And now I don’t know where he is. lol

The less you care about where he is at and the more you care where you are will help you on your journey to recovery.  Based upon where your h is as, he is self-centered. His needs come first. In order to flip the switch, I believe that you need to be upfront and verbal in regards to your expectations. Personally, the birthday fiasco was a lot of would've, could've, should've on his part. He took care of his business first. If he was falling short on getting your cake or other things done, he could have simply called you and let you know. Then asked you what would you like in the given circumstances. What hurt you the most was not having the cake or dinner, but realizing at the last second that none of this is going to materialize and that you would be responsible for providing dinner. It's like you think you are off tomorrow, have your fun plans set, and then you have to go to work the next day. Talk about bad attitude.

Have you thought about having a conversation with your husband regarding the marriage from this perspective: Heart, head, and hand. When you talk to your h, is he emotionally connected to you and the marriage? Is there passion, empathy, and a desire to bring bliss to your life?
The head comes to play when he thinks before he speaks to you. Does he plan and think around you as a couple? Is he able to effectively communicate with you about everyday plans both short term and long term? It's nice he likes to plan fun things with you, but what about dinner tonight? How about taking out the trash.

Finally, the hand is the actually work. Does he follow-through and do what is necessary. What are his visible actions? By all means, enjoy your sports. Everyone needs an interest that sparks them. However, that still means carving out time for his marriage. You don't live on a shelf waiting to be dusted off and played with at his convenience.

I am only giving suggestions because I find myself in a quandary with him. One one hand, he can be just a jerk. However, in many ways, I see he does try...however when he fails, he gets snapped at which only leaves him frustrated. It's like he gets a B minus for the camping weekend, overall, he did fine, but a few errors made him feel like he failed. Especially when it becomes a blow out and OW becomes the central issue. Then he may assume that you are going to hold OW over him for the rest of his life. Just giving perspective. I've never met or spoke to your H. Please heed my words as marginally thin advice at best.

My aim and goal is to support you in becoming healthy and whole. Most importantly, I want you to find bliss and peace in your life-with or without him. Preferably with him. Just know regardless, we are here to support you and your journey.

Hope you had a good weekend,

(((((Ready))))

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