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Author Topic: My Story My life after separation with a clinger

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My Story My life after separation with a clinger
#20: April 12, 2021, 11:53:04 AM
Ready you asked the right questions which made me ponder. My H never talks about us, about how we move forward or about short term and long term plans about our marriage. The only thing he talks about is either about his sport and training,since our camping he now talks about the research he’s doing on what camping van to buy or about our next holiday together. When I talk about us or about what he is not doing then he starts telling me he wants to fix what he ruined or he tells me we need a therapist but no action has been done so far about the therapist. Believe I am not going to that either. I’ve done my part.

He does some house chores though. He cleans up the table after we eat, he puts the dishes in the dish washer and takes them out. This is my old H. He’d been doing these things before MLC. It’s still the same dynamics. I cook, I prepare the table and he heats and cleans up. Not always but he does.

I’ve always told my husband that there’s a lack of passion in our relationship. When I feel like I want to be intimate with him, he is so cold. This is not something new. It has always been like this in our relationship. I feel like my needs were not met. Only when he feels like it and whether i like it or not I just have to do it because I feel like it’s my responsibility as a wife. Up to this day, I feel rejected when it comes to being intimate. He always says he’s tired and exhausted.

When I spoke to my H a couple of days ago why I was upset about my birthday, he told me he wanted to reassure me I can trust him again, build my trust, blah blah. I said to him how he is goin to do that because so far I’ve heard only words, empty words to be exact. He told me then By reassuring me, by actions he can rebuild the trust. If you ask him what particular actions, he doesn’t have answers to that. Which is for me again very frustrating.

So I had an appointment today with my therapist. I told her about what happened on my birthday and I asked her if I was wrong to have reacted like that. She told me based on what I told her that it seems like my H doesn’t have the emotional competence to meet my needs in a relationship. She thinks that perhaps he probably meant it that I am important to him but he doesn’t have that competence to show that love or that emotional connection. And I believe she is right because my H has been mostly cold to me. Cold in a way that I don’t feel appreciated, I never heard my H telling me I am beautiful or I look attractive. Also when making love he barely kisses me. I felt like a prostitute in the past where the man just walks away after making love. My therapist asked me the question then what do I want from my H. I actually just wanted to be respected, to be loved and cherished. But There were a couple of moments only where I felt I was loved and cherished let alone respected. When for example i would suggest to my H where we could go and what we could do, he always had a counter idea. In the end we most of the time ended up going where he wants and doing what he wants.

My therapist also asked me why do i think my h is not doing what i ask him to ex making an appointment with a therapist. I reflected for a while and the reason why he is not making so much effort is because he knows i am always here waiting for him no matter what he does. Why would one do any effort? I would not either.

Ready it’s funny when you said that my h would assume that i would always hold ow over him his whole life because he said exactly those words. He told me so this is my life. You are going to always raise that issue.

Thank you for the points that you’ve raised. And thank you for your support ready. I always appreciate to hear from a different perspective because it’s so hard to see the whole pictures sometimes especially when you are so involved in a situation.
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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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My life after separation with a clinger
#21: April 13, 2021, 05:08:40 AM
Journaling
After our heated exchange of texts last week regarding my birthday which lead to me telling my H that he was not doing any action to show me he wanted to work on us like making an appointment with the couple’s therapist, my H texted me today that he made an appointment with the therapist. At least there’s progress I guess. Now, the big question would be: will he be open at the therapist’s? Will he open up himself? Or will he trap me again in a corner?

I like to believe there’s little progress with my H. Very slow progress in fact. Is this what reconnection is all about? I take his actions all the time with a grain of salt. I like to think positive and I hope we re getting there. I would love to hear what it was like for those who reconnected/ reconciled. How was it at the very beginning?
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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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My life after separation with a clinger
#22: April 13, 2021, 07:59:29 AM
Hi Dragonfly,

Just my 2 cents with a live in Clinger.  Putting a label on where they are (ie reconnection or not). Has always led to expectations from me which in turn has led to disappointment when my H didn’t go the path that I thought he should be on.   Turn your focus on yourself and tell yourself “my H is in MLC somewhere”.  He is not going to follow your timeline.  Believe me I know this one so well. 

Please don’t get your expectations up about MC being the fix for him.  I’ve been 3 different times in 5 years.  While I learned something new each time, it didn’t shorten his MLC in the slightest.  He’s still in it and fighting his way out on his own.

Keep focusing on yourself and not what your H is doing or not doing.  It will save your sanity. 

Hugs, Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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My life after separation with a clinger
#23: April 13, 2021, 06:18:24 PM
Hello Dragonfly .  Been awhile since I talked with you but I do read along. You get excellent advice and comments time and time again.  I suspect you are tired of hearing "focus on yourself"  as I did , but it really is the only way to survive . And it is incredibly hard to do . I had been married 30 years when my H went to crazy-land and my focus had always been on my marriage and my children. I had NO idea how to focus only on myself. And it just felt all wrong to focus on me when my marriage was on life support. It took me a very long time to understand and to learn to detach and look only at my growth, selfcare and focus.  I still remind myself everyday to do just that .  I wish there was another way, but for now it is the best way to get to know yourself and heal what only  YOU can heal .

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Turn your focus on yourself and tell yourself “my H is in MLC somewhere”.  He is not going to follow your timeline.  Believe me I know this one so well.
.

I like this a lot.  Your H IS still in some stage of internal chaos ...still searching for external things ( his sport ) to fill a void internally. He is still running in circles and in all likelihood can not be what you need right now...maybe never. One of the hardest things to accept ( for me) was that I was 100% responsible for my own healing no matter who hurt me . It was not going to come from my H.  I fought that like a warrior ..but the truth is only I can "fix" me .  So, the focus had to be on that and off of a man that was still chasing himself in circles. Its hard ...all of it . 

Your marriage will never be the same . Ever. You will never have your "old" husband again.  Attached to him will always be the memories or shadow of what he has done. It is now woven into your history and that is permanent . You cannot go back. Neither can I.  We can only move forward and we can only do that by healing ourselves . This is hard work, lots of tears, therapy, questions, anger and doubts. Do we even know who we are anymore ? Or do  we want a "new" marriage with this person.   And just when we may think we know..we change our PTSD saturated brains . It took me years to even stabilize and stop being highly reactive...years. 

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I would love to hear what it was like for those who reconnected/ reconciled. How was it at the very beginning?
.

Of course it goes without saying that we are all completely different people and will recover in different ways. Or not recover at all....it is that profound of an injury to who we are as wives and mothers. I doubt anything will ever hurt me as much .  At the "beginning "  I raged . I cried for years Dragonfly.  And I mean wept . I wanted to "flee" as part of my fight or flight response was never off.  I thought I might go insane , I was admitted to a trauma centre for 3 months....lived there .  I could not see past extreme emotions, I could not soothe or calm myself, I felt hatred that I never experienced in my life...both for my H and for his OW fling ..who was my friend. I discovered all my own FOO issues had been ignited into yet another layer of pain that I had to deal with. I think I was in emotional shock for a very very long time.  You are "normal" , you are a human reacting to one of the most profoundly painful betrayals that can happen , you are finding YOUR way and you are good, you are strong and you will find a way to rise above it in your own time.  Go look in the mirror and see that that lovely lady is your top priority . 

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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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My life after separation with a clinger
#24: April 19, 2021, 05:41:02 AM
Roo and Barbie thank you for sharing your experience. I always appreciate it so much how it went with those who have experienced this MLC longer than I have. And Roo you are right I have to stop having expectations because it will just hurt me. They don’t follow a linear pattern and if I have to analyze every act I would go crazy in the end. Like in your early stage Barbie, I’m still struggling with controlling my reactions. I’ve listened to some podcasts about how we are responsible to our own emotions but as human as we are it is still hard for me. What I am doing right now is swallowing my feelings. I feel so heavy inside. I don’t talk to my H anymore about marriage or plans or relationships. Even if I want to talk so much I keep it to myself. But then deep inside I am dying because I cannot express my emotions anymore because it is useless. I’ve noticed that my H just keeps quiet once he notices that we are heading that direction. Then we don’t talk. Then he acts like everything is normal. Our Mc is going to be done on video con. I cannot imagine how it’s going to work because I will be sitting next to my H and talking to the therapist on the computer. But I said to my H we can just try and if we don’t feel like continuing it, we will just stop. So no pressure on his part.

My H has nothing in mind right now except his sport. I don’t ask where he goes I don’t text him either. He asked me once what I was planning to do while he cycled and I said I didn’t know and I would figure it out later. He said then that I was not sharing to him my whereabouts and my plans. I go out with friends and I don’t tell him the details anymore. I’m giving him his own doze of medicine. But honestly deep inside it’s killing me. I don’t want to be in this marriage where it feels like you have no husband at all. It feels like both of you are just floating in the air. I know I have to focus on myself and my own plans for the future and I am doing that. It’s just that it’s nice to have someone with whom you can talk with about your future together and plans together. My H is nowhere else except in his sport world. All he researched was a new helmet, new saddle or new sunglasses or whatever he needs for his triathlon. I let him be, he will have his first triathlon in June and we will see what happens next.
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Me 45
H    48
Married 13 yrs no kids
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 but didn’t file it
Contact never stopped, H now wants to reconcile
Me not sure

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Re: My life after separation with a clinger
#25: April 19, 2021, 07:02:08 AM
DragonFly: as Barbie and others have said you are getting excellent advice. And it comes from experience and with hindsight. Yes it is very hard but the only way to feeling better is to follow that sound advice: stop worrying about him, what he does, what he says and focus on you. Nothing you do, say, think, suffer will in any way impact him right now. And he is deeply impacting you.

This may be a great time for the good old "fake it till you make it." It is hard, and you aren't just going to change things overnight. But maybe focus on step by step. When your mind goes to thinking about what he is doing make yourself stop. It will happen over and over again, and you simply just have to keep coming up with ways to break the habit.

We all need to be heard, understood and loved. Its hard but accept right now and for a while to come it will NOT be coming from your H. So start finding alternatives. Little bits at a time, friends, family, whatever work. Again it won't fix anything immediately but if you keep doing it step by step over time it will start to really help.

This really is a case of the journey of thousand steps. If you don't spend every day taking a few steps you will find yourself in the same spot months later. But taking each step doesn't seem like much change, but in a few months you may look back and wonder "how did I come this far?"

Which is what I read in what Barbie, Roo and Ready are saying. Fake it till you make it.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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My life after separation with a clinger
#26: April 19, 2021, 10:40:41 AM
Dragonfly, I agree with both Marvin and Barbie. Sometimes “faking it until you make it is the only option”. It has come in handy many times. 

One more thing that has helped me tremendously to get the focus off my H and MLC is volunteering.  In the last 5 years I’ve taken on many volunteer opportunities but the most important one has been being a court advocate for kids in foster care.  I knew nothing about the court system or child welfare system so I’ve learned so much.  I’ve had the same kids for over 4 years now.  What started as a GAL activity has turned into a big part of my life.  One of my kids is in Juvenal detention and I was able to visit last week.  (Because I’m vaccinated). He was so happy to see me and I realized how much of an impact I’ve made on his life.  I can’t help my H so turning that energy into helping someone else who truly needs it has kept the focus off my marriage and my H. 

Maybe look around for something you can put your energy towards?  I’ve delivered meals to shut ins during covid as well.  For me it has given me perspective on others and what they are going through and makes me realize my troubles aren’t so big. 

My 2 cents anyway. 
Hugs, Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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My life after separation with a clinger
#27: April 19, 2021, 01:40:23 PM
Dragonfly: the absence of plans for the future together is definitely hard. At least for me it has been. My W's MLC journey started during the pandemic so sometimes I'm able to tell myself that the pandemic is in part preventing us from making plans, but I know it's not just that. A lot of survive-the-affair books mention making plans for the future as a critical reconciliation thing to do together. Future plans bring hope. In the meantime, maybe make plans for the future for you? Part GAL/part hope building.

I like the idea of spending time volunteering. Giving to others is such a great way to feel better about yourself.

Keep moving forward, one step at a time.
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My life after separation with a clinger
#28: April 19, 2021, 04:07:34 PM
I'm following along as I have a boomerang/clinging boomerang. Not at home, but just down the road. Reading your thread, and others who have been in this with a clinger is so helpful. Boomerangs are their own special sort of adventure I guess.  :o
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My life after separation with a clinger
#29: April 20, 2021, 06:40:21 PM
Quote
What I am doing right now is swallowing my feelings. I feel so heavy inside. I don’t talk to my H anymore about marriage or plans or relationships. Even if I want to talk so much I keep it to myself. But then deep inside I am dying because I cannot express my emotions anymore because it is useless. I’ve noticed that my H just keeps quiet once he notices that we are heading that direction. Then we don’t talk. Then he acts like everything is normal. Our Mc is going to be done on video con. I cannot imagine how it’s going to work because I will be sitting next to my H and talking to the therapist on the computer. But I said to my H we can just try and if we don’t feel like continuing it, we will just stop. So no pressure on his part.
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This is concerning Dragonfly . Not that I do not know what you mean..i do know.  But no where should the message be to "shut up and put up" or to stuff all our emotions.  I do not support that and we know as women , it simply will not work. It is why we eventually explode, attack and have all kinds of physical problems , all stress related.  It is not the message we should be giving each other.  But what do we do then?   What do we do when it feels like extreme frustration , high reactivity, anxiety and emotions that we cannot control and hurt , questions and confusion will not leave us alone.   And trying to deal with a husband that clams up and triggers us into reactivity.  Stuffing is not the answer at all, it will fester into resentment we may never shed.  But what is the answer ?   Some of my thoughts ..

1. We need to talk. Women process their emotions by talking . We are not "happy"  otherwise. We need solid girlfriends, supports, an outlet for our thoughts and emotions to be expressed. Many a best friend has saved troubled marriages. I rely on my lady-friends for these connections , support and understanding.  You can vent, feel heard and find your own way to get these needs met. Should these women to women connections take the place of a husband. No. But for now .... it may be all we have.
2. Our own therapist is HUGE. I cannot say this enough.
3. Selfcare x 100 ... over and over.  Finding what soothes us, makes us laugh or just feels good.  This was very difficult for me to learn...I had no idea the power of selfcare .
4. Get control of your anxiety. Whether it be medication or by whatever works. I had anxiety ..unrelanting, soul sucking anxiety so bad day after day after day, I wanted to die. Anything to make it stop.  I know that 90% of my reactivity came from severe anxiety. . I could not make space to respond calmly, rationally or "in control".  My fight or flight was always ON.... and boy, I am one nasty fighter ( or flee'er).  Only when I had my anxiety under control could I get control of me.
5. Find out what your reactivity is truly about. Its inside of you. Its in your FOO. My mother punished me with refusing to talk. She slammed cupboards, doors and we knew she was mad. But refused to talk . We were always guessing who was in trouble. My husbands "clam up " avoidance triggers that little girl pain and rejection.  I can remind myself...all this pain is not just about him.
6. For me personally... I have to find ways ( still working on this) to change my  tone, my aggressive starts to conversations, my ability to walk away with dignity and confidence ... not slamming doors. To soften ....all these sh%t-kicks life has handed me has made me tough and hard. My feminine self is lost. My H is most certainly afraid of the ticking time bomb of unpredictable crazzzy I can be . I become his father . Where is your H's triggers?.   Not that we are responsible for them... just recognize where they are.
7 . Learning to love being alone... in thought or hobby. Lost in a great book. Just sitting ...grows wisdom somehow.  Wisdom to know we can find ways to be our own needs. We are never without ourselves. 

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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

 

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