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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt

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My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt
#150: October 30, 2021, 11:41:01 AM
I have to agree with Off Road on this.
My recollection is that my former h said some very odd things just like that....things that obviously were factually not true, claims to have had conversations we had never had bc he had been ghosting me for months and comments about not being able to trust me (while unbeknownst to me he was stealing money from joint accounts) or that I hated him when my behaviour was blatantly (and unhelpfully to me lol) looking like the exact opposite. A lot of We statements about things I had no involvement in at all, discussions never had, sometimes things I didn’t even know about.

Very odd times indeed  ???
Which only made sense once I understood how projection works. And emotional codependency for that matter when someone assumes that you must feel exactly how they feel.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt
#151: October 31, 2021, 01:22:31 AM
I agree also with OR.

Guilt will almost always drive most MLCers that are in touch with the LBS into projection and gaslighting mode at any stage during the crisis.   Simply because they can and its easier than facing the truth or reality of their situation- which is that it is all down to them.

My H has accused me in the same breath of being difficult, argumentative, pushy and kind!   I see it for what it is - guilt and a complete inability to face the current situation appropriately ( as I'm also now dealing his with post stroke depression and potentially low hypothryoidism)

Barbie - I'm also curious as to why you need to know what was said in his MC sessions.  If you are not prepared to go (which I understand) then why is it so important for you to know what he or she said during that confidential session?
A marital, curious need to know is natural but it seems to have become an urgent need for you - does H perhaps sense that you need to know and so he shuts off because he needs time to process and not only that what could he have said to the MC that will make it all better for you?

Consider all the work he did around the house which you correctly perceive is avoidance behaviour - there is also another reason he did that or possibly two. Either he wants to show through his actions that he is working towards your marriage (for those of us who need the words - that is a killer thing to do but love languages etc...)   Or he is processing, ruminating on the session and he does that best when he is busy.....

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I have said to him in the past " You must have a theory that the best thing for our marriage is NOT to talk about what we are learning in therapy. Is it the best thing for "us" or just the most comfortable for you?'.   His response  ( and I got one!). " I never thought about it like that ".

Interesting - could this observation unwittingly have fed his mind that is how he could approach it.  In other words did this comment feed his sense of it's ok not to talk - because it is comfortable and he wants to stay in his comfort zone?

Sometimes even though MLCers project and spew rubbish - they also pick up on the most bizarre comments we make and use it to their benefit in other ways.

Just my opinion.


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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#152: October 31, 2021, 06:52:52 AM
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Sometimes even though MLCers project and spew rubbish - they also pick up on the most bizarre comments we make and use it to their benefit in other ways
This is so true. I found things I said twisted or coming back at me and used against me all the time in the strangest and most frustrating ways. Not only that, but I could recall the things in the same conversation that I wished he would have absorbed instead. Sometimes it made me think I need to evaluate anything and everything I said as I did not know how he would reprocess my words. It really is all so exhausting
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#153: October 31, 2021, 07:10:02 AM
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Sometimes it made me think I need to evaluate anything and everything I said as I did not know how he would reprocess my words. It really is all so exhausting

We just cannot live our lives worried about every word we say and how they might interpret it. I feel already shut down by him as there is no real or open communication between us..it's all superficial fluff. If I say something he takes the wrong way, that is his issue.

We have not done anything wrong.

If they misinterpret or give a different meaning to things we say, that is not on us and we couldn't change their interpretation even if we tried.

They see us through a cracked and fogged up lens which in their minds is the "truth".

Song's words are completely true:

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My H has accused me in the same breath of being difficult, argumentative, pushy and kind!   I see it for what it is - guilt and a complete inability to face the current situation appropriately.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#154: October 31, 2021, 08:35:12 AM
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Sometimes even though MLCers project and spew rubbish - they also pick up on the most bizarre comments we make and use it to their benefit in other ways
This is so true. I found things I said twisted or coming back at me and used against me all the time in the strangest and most frustrating ways. Not only that, but I could recall the things in the same conversation that I wished he would have absorbed instead. Sometimes it made me think I need to evaluate anything and everything I said as I did not know how he would reprocess my words. It really is all so exhausting

It’s a good reminder, this discussion, on how genuinely strange it is when there seems to be little or no correlation between what you say and how someone responds. It is so far from how normal communication works in real life isn’t it? Let alone with someone you have known well for years and years. It is exhausting and tbh, at least for a while, causes most of us to doubt if we have lost our sanity a bit. Truly one of the strangest experiences of my life. Maybe that is part of why we look so hard for an explanation for it. I had a similar experience as my mother was disappearing into dementia tbh, but there, I had a cause. So it was painful but never as bewildering nor did it feel as personal.

It can be painful to let go, to accept the reality of this kind of mindset,  but less exhausting perhaps than trying to reach someone who has become unreachable in normal ways.

But a good reminder that there are solid, sensible reasons for detaching from the desire to fix, influence or communicate with any expectations of a ‘normal’ response. And tbh to make sure that part of your GAL is to spend time with normal folks who have good intent towards you bc that can be a useful reminder of what is normal for normal folks and what is not.
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2021, 08:40:09 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#155: October 31, 2021, 01:41:56 PM
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

 

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