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Author Topic: My Story Father's Day Continues

5
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My Story Father's Day Continues
#10: May 06, 2021, 01:19:56 PM
Different perspectives certainly gives a lot to ponder.

barbiedoll i can only imagine there is not a lot of forethought given but if they are truly cycling into their youth i guess i might understand.  When i was a very young girl i decided to run away.  I put in a paper bag my favorite earrings a can of tuna (no can opener or bread) some candy and dropped the bag outside of my window.  Later on i decided not to go, as an adult i often wonder what i was thinking. It must really be tough to right a terrible wrong and you are correct somethings might not be fixable.

xyzcf
i too believe there is always hope for me it's with GOD. I have loved and married my H since i was 17.  I will never give up on him and although i miss my best friend and the love of my life i will not put my life on hold waiting for him.  With that said i can have a fulfilling life without adding another man into the equation.  I have raised my family and now watch my grand children step into another generation. As i tell my two dear friends, you can say what you want but i will always make my own decisions.

billyluke
we may never know what either male or female in crisis think or feel.

marvin4242
Only IMHO and for me i guess "hope" becomes a trap if we allow it.  For me i do live my reality that my H just up and left.  I just do not see the need to share my reality with more than the critical few.  So about 8 people in my life.  Although i am not there yet, while my H is still gone and if no positive progression when i feel it is time i would probably reevaluate my stance. Lastly it makes sense that in the beginning the days are different as time goes on.  We are different and depending on our loved one in crisis we are more prepared to hold on or let go.
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« Last Edit: May 06, 2021, 01:25:45 PM by 5hilmerton »

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Father's Day Continues
#11: May 20, 2021, 07:27:45 AM
Funny i came to the forum today because i have no sparks in my plugs.  It's been raining non stop and today it will only be cloudy.  I am a weather watcher because of the heat and rain and  my love of being outside.  Before i started to write this post i read a couple of posts from others on the forum.  I guess it fueled my engine and reminded me that no matter what i am truly blessed!!! Y'all have a truly blessed day.
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#12: June 05, 2021, 04:22:20 AM
I believe i had a personal milestone yesterday. H called i saw his name come up on my phone and i answered the call.  BD 5/19 and last live conversation was 7/19. We communicate via text  on occasion he calls and leaves a voicemail but i choose to respond with a text. I will say at some point i just had a bit of angst and warm flushing and my shoulders tightening up.  But after he started to chat i soon relaxed.  He was full of chat telling me about the weather and how it was raining and he had gotten wet when he went out to purchase some fruit.  He told me about a conversation he had with the lady selling the fruit. He talked about his car ride leaving the market. He was not rambling and it all made sense and i heard my H for the first time since he left.

I was surprisingly calm and just listened. I  told him it was raining here too but pretty much just let him talk. Maybe i did not trust myself or him to say much more. But the thing i was most proud of was my ability to actually answer the phone and not let the communication rattle me.  H was pleasant and almost engaging.  I noticed that he actually gave some thought to some things he was saying. After our call ended H followed up with a couple of texts, tell everyone i said hello, etc.  I sat for 15 mins. thinking about it all and then got up and went back to doing what i was doing.  The best thing is i am not all tore up inside.

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#13: June 05, 2021, 08:39:53 AM
Bravo, 5! 

You shared how you responded and were feeling during and after the first convo with him in almost 2 years.  Your post focused on you!  You did mention your H’s manner of communication, but only the observable facts. 

You did not focus on speculating where he is in crisis, nor did you try to name and classify the encounter as a ‘touch and go,’ ‘the beginning of reconnection,’ ‘is he going to be a clinger now?’ or whatever.  I think the use of that kind of terminology can generate unhelpful expectations in LBS, by inserting in her mind a mental flow chart of ‘touch and go’ —> ‘reconnection’ —> ‘reconciliation.’  Staying away from these unhelpful thoughts highlights how far you have come in detachment and healing.  Good for you! 

If you don’t mind me sharing my experience, I can tell you that it took me quite a bit longer than you not to read the tea leaves/speculate/prognosticate every interaction with my H…

It’s a kind of test for LBS’s detachment and where her focus is, depending on how much/little LBS speculates on the meaning of interactions with MLCer or their behaviour, IMHO. 

Cheers! 

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« Last Edit: June 05, 2021, 09:12:02 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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#14: June 05, 2021, 10:19:48 AM
Quote
I sat for 15 mins. thinking about it all and then got up and went back to doing what i was doing.  The best thing is i am not all tore up inside.

You did well, 5, as Acorn says.
It may not say anything very useful about where your H is at, but imho it says a great deal about your own progress and healing.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#15: June 05, 2021, 06:19:46 PM
5 -
Following along.
Great that you were able to have a conversation with your husband without being emotionally distraught, or putting too much thought into the meaning or where it would go from there.
Glad that you enjoyed it, and so happy that you're enjoying your life.
Keep up the great work.

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5
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#16: June 06, 2021, 05:05:40 AM
Acorn, Treasur, Seahorse, thank you for the encouraging words. I read and follow so much and absorb the advice and experience given.  Pretty sure if it was not because of all that has been shared i would be like a spastic chicken flapping in the wind.

Being with my H since i was 17 i really thought i understood him like nobody else.  But in fact at this point i really don't know him or what to expect at all.  So i just go on my way, Borders are opening up and i am planning a trip to Italy to go see my family in July.  As i always say H gave me 40 + years of a wonderful life.  I will now continue to make new memories for as long as the Lord allows.

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#17: June 09, 2021, 06:27:55 PM
Great work 5!

I hope you enjoy Italy!  Fantastic!
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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#18: June 15, 2021, 05:04:34 PM
A follow up to my last post regarding H calling.  I had to send him some documents and i wanted to give him the tracking number.  Texting is easy enough right??? Well i thought about it and thought well he called you now you be a big girl and call him.  So i did and he did not pick up. Ok then text it is so i sent him a picture of the tracking number and a quick message and all done. 

A friend came over and while we were chatting my phone rang.  I look down and say well it's my H. Once again i bravely answer the phone "did you call me?". I said yes i did and i told him why.  Once again he brought up the weather a few more comments and i think i said ok bye first. I am getting better with this live chat.  Not that i will have to do it often but at least i can tell i am growing.

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#19: August 15, 2021, 06:52:24 AM
Just journaling,
It's been June since i have had any communication from H.  I sent him his package and verified he received it via DHL tracking and that's that.  H did not text or call that he even received it.

The Italian border opened up and i got to go and see my daughter and family.  3 weeks of being away from the norm here and time to play there.  Took a friend who has never been to Europe as a travel partner.  Yea as good as friends can be that is something i will NEVER do again.  She complained about everything and went home a week early.  But after she left i had my alone time with my oldest.  So that was even better.  My oldest is a younger version of her father and is also the angriest.I

Although i choose not to initiate conversation about my H her Dad I knew it certainly was the elephant in the room.  She brought her Dad up a couple days after i arrived.  She was/is full of anger and told me she no longer has a relationship with her Dad and he will not have anything to do with our granddaughter or her husband.  I certainly cannot debate her feelings of hurt. She did not want to hear about any crisis related topics and told me she felt like i was defending him.  I listened and we moved on.  My D now 40 brought the subject up one more time a few days before i left.  She started the conversation by saying, "i had this overwhelming sadness come over me".  She thought about it and then said "Dad should be here".  I was surprised but again i just listened.  She start asking me what are my plans and will i get a divorce.  I know she is hurt for me and wants to tell me how and what i should do but honestly this is not a conversation i want to have with my children until i have made a decision.

I love my H so unconditionally i really have no plans other than to figure out my life without H.  With that i mean living my life to the fullest and dealing with life events as they come.  Right now as i write my entire body aches still struggling with my sciatica a bit and i worked with the weed wacker a bit too long.  I finally believe for the most part i have my yard recovered from the artic event.  It has been a long haul about 5 months, messed up sciatica and cutting two fingers with the mower blade, i am just now starting to be able to use those two fingers.  I was working in my front yard and tripped and fell over my own cane.  My neighbor saw me and he and his daughter came over to help me up.  He told me that i did not have to do it alone and to ask him any time.  Well i was trying to weed and mulch my front yard which is enormous.  The next thing i know my neighbor all six of their their kids and a couple of boyfriends and girlfriends were at my house weeding and mulching.  It was a beautiful day and amazing to see the hand of GOD.

Well that's my update, now i am off to pick up inside the house since my son and grandson 2 will be coming over for dinner.

Have a wonderful Sunday,
5hil
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