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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!

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My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#20: May 12, 2021, 01:57:42 AM
I have to wonder why being honest is SO hard for these Mid-Lifers....

It is like they fear the repercussions of their actions (which I am pretty sure they do) but at the same time, don't realize that there are much more severe repercussions once the lie comes out....

What causes less pain? The initial stab or ripping off the bandaid of a festering infected stab?
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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UM I think it's because they can't face what they are doing, so they have to make up a story, in their head, to explaining the reason what they are doing is not unkind.

They can't be the bad guy, you know?   ::)

Standing you're right, you saw right through it because you're not stupid and you have no fog in the brain.
Oh well I hope you can enjoy some time to yourself to do what ever you want.

How's the puppy, btw?
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"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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How's the puppy, btw?

He's a happy little guy!! After taking W to the airport this morning........ I went by the Waffle House and got steak and eggs to start off my break..... little guy scored a T-Bone with plenty of meaty bits on it when I got home. His 1st bone.  ;D

W..... ahhhh W....... get to the airport, *BAM*, mask on.  ::) So no goodbye kiss, again (hey you can hope right? LOL!!) and it was so brief "thanks for the ride" super quick side hug and a "I'll see you....... I'll see you in awhile"..... and there's the last little piece. She could have said I'll see you in four weeks (like she said before) but no....... open-ended. HA!! I think it'll be 8 weeks. Tricks and more tricks. A twist of the mind.

Good news for me though, I registered for the Spin-Class for this evening and aerobics tomorrow evening.  ;D
Hit the ground running  :P

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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UM I think it's because they can't face what they are doing, so they have to make up a story, in their head, to explaining the reason what they are doing is not unkind.

They can't be the bad guy, you know?   ::)

<snort!>

OK, the question was meant rhetorically

LOL

Naturally, the Mid-Lifer can NOT be the bad guy because that would mean taking accountability and being responsible... which is about as likely as a snowball in Hades...
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#24: May 24, 2021, 08:59:58 PM
Journaling:

Well, I've slowed down a lot (and sped up in other areas) while W has been gone.
Have barely heard from her (no surprise) except for her to check on the dog  ::)  :P ....... who is doing just fine.  ;D LOL!!

On to me!!  :D
I'm getting double the amount of sleep now...... which is great. I assume it's because (just like before) all the hidden stress just finally hits you once you finally relax a bit..... the body catching up. That's nice. Feels good. I wish it wasn't this way, but that's not something I control......

I had a great experience tonight at the gym....... and once again it's my calves  ;D  8)
I'm lifting weight on the calf machine (1st time since returning to the gym), and I'm happy as can be. CLANG CLANG CLANG goes the weights. Start it at 250lbs..... phhhhhttttt..... am I even lifting? 300lbs...... still nothing....... max out the machine 350lbs, all the plates...... no problem. Just lift it and hold until the legs shake. Move it around for fun, don't let it drop. I hear a "WOW" from across the way. I figure it's just someone happy about something they did..... a moment later a young guy in his 20's comes up and says "You have incredible calves!! That's what I want, I'm working hard to get them".
I says thanks and smile.
The sound of shock was someone watching me do a full load with no issues at all. That's funny.
Yup, still got it. HA!!  8)

I booked a trip for myself after W gets back. Going to Vegas for a week. I really had hoped that we would do something together this year, but I think that's well out the windows after this latest trip of hers. Still, I'm going to have a wonderful time: Multi-day conference, a show or two, lots of walking, different food and all the pinball I can play. That's good enough for me.  ;D

What can I say, life is good...... I choose life to be good.

One day at a time,

-SS
 
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BD - 27th April 2019
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#25: May 25, 2021, 08:38:43 AM
I always appreciate your updates, SS - excellent reminders of how important it is to detach and to truly live your own life on your own terms, and (particularly if they live at home or are clingers) to maintain an attitude of zero expectations from the MLCer. I find it interesting that you note sleeping better when she’s away... it may be that I sleep a little better when my W is away, though I do relatively well either way. But I do notice that my W sleeps poorly much of the time - could be a combination of things from the mattress (which we’re replacing) to the cats’ disruptions, but there are underlying issues related to stress, anxiety, and the like too. Early on I struggled with this, seeing it as a sign that if being here made her that anxious, maybe she shouldn’t be here. I have since come to the conclusion that the anxiety doesn’t have any deeper meaning about her investment in the relationship - things are unsettled in her mind and in her life, so anxiety is normal. I’m not sure that you have any anxiety around your situation, but even though you are in a place of remarkable acceptance and detachment, there is an aspect of your life that is unsettled and when you’re closer to it, it affects your sleep. Doesn’t mean the marriage is not the right thing in the long term, just means the uncertainty is a stressor, even though it’s a stressor you are handling very well.

Anyway... your updates always teach me something, whether it’s a specific lesson like this or just a reminder to keep thriving regardless of what the MLCer is doing. Thank you for that.
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#26: May 25, 2021, 08:58:00 AM
Sounding good, SS.  You might consider MeowWolf in Area 15 if you go to Vegas. I haven't been to that one, but loved the one in Santa Fe, NM. It's an adventure.
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#27: May 25, 2021, 09:44:50 AM
Hey Curiosity,

You know about the sleep...... I have a theory (could be wrong)...... I've read that people "sync" during sleep...... the heart-rates equalize, and if that's true, then I would suspect that other things also normalize and sync in ways we don't know about currently. Breathing? Maybe even brain waves. I'm certain we are aware of our partners state while in sleep, and if they are in distress we will share in it (and experience stress ourselves).
Are we a moderating factor to help "tame" their sleep? I don't think so. It would be nice if we could, but I don't think so. I have noticed the same thing you have with the poor sleep on their part, and tried the different things too: A new mattress, white noise, new sheets, adjusting the temp, etc. Lots of experiments. Each time they result in a short term boost to their quality of sleep until they get used to it and then they're right back to where they started (and even more frustrated). At the same time, I've noticed many, MANY, times where W is absolutely certain she didn't sleep a wink, and yet she was snoring all night. I can confirm via her fitbit that her REM and deep sleep cycles have taken a big hit on many nights but not all. This makes me think that what she processes and wrestles with while sleeping is awful and leads to draining sleep and not restful sleep. I think this is standard with all MLC'ers. Sleep deprivation in the presence of lots of sleep. Years and years of this. Terrible. Probably a contributing factor to their accelerated aging as well.
Our sleep is just collateral damage, as with so many other things.

-SS
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#28: May 25, 2021, 10:32:27 AM
Interesting thoughts on syncing during sleep. It makes sense that there would be some of that, honestly. Also, your comment about how the new things (mattress, white noise, temperature, linens) temporarily help them before they return to their baseline restlessness reminds me of something I’ve read about how a financial windfall often leads to a temporary boost in happiness before returning to one’s baseline level. Similarly, a decrease in income or other factor making things more difficult often leads to a temporary reduction in happiness before people tend to return to their baseline. So overall, it seems like our baseline level of happiness, contentment, ease, comfort... it’s an individual, foundational thing about us that doesn’t really fundamentally change in response to superficial or external shifts. I think we LBSs maybe figure that out sooner than the MLCer, and we work on making real, foundational changes to find a new level of happiness/contentment after our worlds are rocked at BD, while the MLCer is making external, superficial changes and can’t figure out why that doesn’t help them. Admittedly, many of us try the superficial changes for a while too, but we get to that eureka moment eventually.
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Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 11: Mars Attacks!!!
#29: May 25, 2021, 10:50:37 AM
It's interesting that you bring up sleep.  My MLCW had significant sleep issues waking up the the middle in the night prior to and after BD.   Overall, my sleep has been better since she has left the home.  I only have issues after stressful events which usually only occurs 1 or 2 times a month.  Then I sleep soundly the next night after the stressful events.  I can see my MLCW is stressed and looks worn out due to sleep issues as well as alcohol use.   I have compassion for her and yet know that I can't fix her.   Can only focus on my health with sleep, diet, and exercise.   Thinking this summer will be better as I work to lose the small amount of weight I put on since BD.

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M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

 

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