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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6

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My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#20: May 28, 2021, 12:02:55 PM
S tried to go visit his GF last night at the hospital after getting out of work. He wasn't able to go in as they have adapted the visiting hours to end at 6 pm. He was upset, but not angry at anyone. He did mention to the attendant that he was a bit surprised they didn't close at least at 7 pm just because people like him have to work and can't get there during those hours. She said she would mention it to the higher ups and it was a valid point. He is going to try and leave work a bit earlier today since he doesn't have to work the whole afternoon.

I have been texting S's GF and checking on her. Her numbers finally stabilized and they are going to keep her another day, which is the best thing for her right now. Even yesterday those numbers were hovering around 200 at times. She is now back to about 130, but they have diagnosed her with type 1.5 Diabetes, which I thought was some typo, but it is a more rare form. She is overwhelmed with the changes that will have to happen, but she knows she feels better and is happy to know that it wasn't in her head. And it turned out I knew who her dietician was as she is my sister's best friend's daughter. The young woman lit right up when S's GF asked her if she knew my sister. She has known my sister her entire life, since my sister and this woman have been best friends since they were 8 years old and see each other often.

Life is full of surprises. The situation with S's GF is not what anyone would want, but I know that she was so fortunate to get the help she needs. And, she will learn to manage.

My weekend took very different path and it is a good surprise with a visit from someone I haven't seen in what seems like an eternity. Sometimes life throws surprises your way that just make you smile.  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#21: May 29, 2021, 01:54:45 AM
MD, this is a lot for your S to absorb, I am sure. Type 1.5 diabetes if where GF has autoimmune antibodies to an enzyme called GAD – glutamic acid decarboxylase. Glutamic acid is an amino acid (aka glutamate) and the antibodies her body makes to that enzyme that is involved in breaking down glutamate lowers her insulin producing cells in the pancreas. It often shows up later in life as compared to Type I diabetes.

Once her immediate medical emergency has been addressed, it would be good for her to be proactive in getting tested for other autoimmune diseases so she is armed with the information she needs for her health.

I'm glad that she seems to be in good hands and it looks like she was tested for antibodies to GAD since that's one way to diagnose 1.5. If she could ask for all her test results so she can start to have her own records of things to keep with her along the years, that would be helpful for managing her health.

Best to you (and your son), it's been a lot of change and stress to both of you this year with the house, dog, and this. You are all showing remarkable resilience (sans exH--he is clearly still misfiring all over the place).
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2021, 02:03:04 AM by Reinventing »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#22: May 31, 2021, 01:31:31 AM
I'm glad that her numbers are getting back to the "realistic" range and that they have an idea of what is happening. With that kind of diagnosis, plans for going forward can be made. It sounds like she is in good hands at least.....
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#23: May 31, 2021, 05:25:15 PM
Thoughts and prayers for GF as she navigates this diagnosis.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#24: May 31, 2021, 07:45:14 PM
Thank you, Reinventing, UrsaMajor, & FaithWalker.

S's GF is out of the hospital and it is a big adjustment for her in terms of diet, etc. Because of S not being able to see her while she was in the hospital, some things were missed in the communication, but in some ways that is good just in terms of the stress it would have brought on. She was in the ICU the whole time and they kept her until late Saturday watching her and having her work with a dietician to start. She sees a specialist on Thursday to address some of the concerns that in fact Reinventing mentioned. So far people are really being wonderful and helping her. Her boss, even though she has not been at the job very long, called her and told her that the other staff members have agreed to help out and she won't lose any pay this week for the time she needs to take. It is refreshing to see people who work as a team and care about each other.

D helped S's GF with some of the dietary things once she was home and fixed a couple of meals for her over the weekend, which was good for both of them. D needs feel as if she is helpful.

I had spent a good portion of my weekend actually being able to leave the "mom" role behind for at least a good portion of time, although it certainly crept in more than I had wanted just because of some of the things going on at home with D and S. Both kids were stressed out from some things that have been going on and it seeped into my plans.

When I came home tonight, I was actually a bit shocked by D. She and I had a rocky weekend at times because she was moody and she and I had started the weekend with a complete miscommunication that really should not have brought on her weekend long mood, but she had what was the perfect storm for a meltdown. I had made time for her and that helped but this evening she was really angry with me. I assumed her mood was because I was out longer than I planned with someone. But, it turned out to be something that sort of threw me.

I have not been off dating, etc, but there has been someone consistent in my life. I don't see them often, but they have been around for quite some time in my life. Both kids have met said person and have said that they like him, but I have been very cautious about letting anyone get too close to the kids. I have feared it only in that I know some people the kids know have a revolving door with boyfriends and girlfriends coming in and out of their kids' lives. As it is I am not one to date in the usual manner it hasn't been a problem, but I also was careful for a variety of reasons. For one, I also didn't want to put additional pressure on that person. I am not pushing with some agenda. The thing is, it would seem it has in some ways backfired on me. D was angry with me because the whole weekend I kept this person away from the house.

Now, in my defense, I didn't want to be around the chaos in the house. It is overwhelming at the moment for me and I needed a break. I also knew that S's GF was going to be trying to adjust. And, the usual things might be going on. Add that D's mood was already mercurial, at best and I just compartmentalized it. And, maybe I have been doing that more than I should. I have kept some things, too separated.

D's gripe was not about me spending more time away but she wanted to know why I hadn't brought this person around. She was wanting to be able to just get to know this person better and it had nothing to do with somehow putting a label on it, it was really as simple as her on the one hand trying to understand when I need to have time to myself, but how to strike a balance and get used to me having someone around potentially. Her explanation was that it is in some ways like when I wanted to get to know who she and S were hanging around with.

I hadn't considered this at all. Oh sure, there is the fear of full on velociraptors appearing and scaring someone away, but I realized that the kids want me to be happy. It just is weird when I was meeting their friends, I had Xh here already, so it was never something I had to worry about, that is, having this situation where the roles are a bit flipped.

It is not changing where I am at, but it is something that I am processing. It is a good thing, but it shocked me. I am realizing it is a big leap for D.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#25: June 01, 2021, 12:24:48 AM
Ah yes... The Kids and the date scenario... What fun... NOT!  ::)

Been there, done that.... In fact, in one situation, it was the fact that we both, by mutual agreement, kept the kids out of the mix (both hers and mine) that I believe led to the downfall of the relationship...

In my current situation, my kids already knew R's kids so that wasn't an issue

But, if the person is scared off by the velociraptors, they may not have been a good choice to begin with... Velos need to be handled with a good deal of humor and maybe the occasional zing back to keep them off their game.... I mean, those who dish it out, have to be able to take it too, right?

I'm REALLY glad that S's GF is on the mend and that D could be of help. GF's job sounds like a really nice place to work - a very supportive environment...
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#26: June 01, 2021, 11:49:23 AM
UrsaMajor - this was such a shock to me. And, it is D's issue to resolve, but because of the conversation she and I had, I told her I do understand. She was in full mindfiretruck territory.

D was having a full on trigger and it had nothing to do with who I was with or the possibility of me someday having a relationship with anyone. This was the perfect storm in all honesty.

We had started our weekend out on a rough note with a disagreement. She had an argument with S later in the weekend, which is so rare, and it was something in regards to S being aggravated about something that really was about me. To be honest, he had a reason to gripe. I had forgotten something was still in the garage and he tripped over it. And, S and I are enough alike, that I know that he and I would potentially butt heads, but it was really not about me at all or the thing he tripped over. It was stress rolling in. D was angry he was upset with me. But, I also knew better than to call him out on it and it was their issue to resolve, or at least the disagreement and I told D that. I wasn't playing referee over something that as young adults they needed to figure out.

The thing is, I had made time for her over the weekend even though originally she was supposed to be away all weekend, so I had not factored her into my plans at all originally. But, I knew if I didn't at least give her some time we might be dealing with abandonment issues, which she has really come a long way on. Sunday morning, she was actually very good and had sent me texts to check in, but they were all upbeat. It was yesterday she called me while I was out and she was miserable and clearly had a whole different mood going. I just wasn't going to get into it with her.

When I got home, it was not fun. She didn't speak to me at first. Oh, the move her F used to make. I have learned from that I am not engaging. Fine, ignore me until you are ready to break the ice. I am not playing into that mess. Been there. Rarely productive and usually I get met with the complete wall. D has not done this to me in months. It is something she has worked on and is aware of. So, I went outside where S and his friends had been having a cook out and had saved food for me for dinner. I sat outside with them and then D came out and gave me the laser beam glance and I knew that meant she was ready to let it all spill out.

So, I went inside and was met with tears and a whole lot to process. Out it all fell. D had been worried about S because he was clearly upset about his GF. She had been good to GF and that was not the issue, but it was stressful and a lot to process. I knew that D had heard Xh was telling S how much he misses the dog and that had her aggravated. Heap on my BIL had fallen and split his head open, which she was very worried about but hadn't really let on it was bothering her. So, all of these feelings bubbled up to start and cue Monkey Brain 101.

My compartmentalizing was really in some ways about me wanting to have a break and just be an adult. It had nothing to do with hiding anyone from D or S. Or this person from my kids. It was really just being mindful all the way around in part because I knew the chaos of the construction was going on and there would be extra chaos. It was a lot and both kids know that I would have dropped everything if it was necessary.

What I didn't realize is D had gone into this trigger and the problem was her BF was out of town. My sister and her family were out of town. My parents were busy most of the weekend. S was preoccupied. D started missing the dog and then in her moment of having this trigger emerged this feeling. Now, D realized it is totally irrational, but then triggers often are.

D said my compartmentalizing made her feel like I was hiding and that is what Xh did with his life and OW. And, unfortunately, D knows the gory details of the affair thanks to Xh's carelessness and giving D the evidence on his old phone and not unlinking the emails. Something he never dealt with, in spite of him saying he would when I told him that D saw all the emails on that account. I know what I saw and D and I have never really discussed all of it, but she knows I will let her talk about anything she wants. I just know the emails were graphic and I had a hard time with them.

D realizes it is not my issue nor should I tiptoe around her. And, I told her the best way to deal with this is to communicate with me. While I cannot solve it, I told her I do understand triggers and it isn't exactly the same, I can help her try to navigate it a bit.

D was still edgy last night, but better. This morning she pushed a bit and I told her that was not going to fly. She could talk about it, but I wasn't going down the path of circular talk where it is just an endless loop and her tone was not acceptable. And, the tone she took with me was she questioned something and I told her she had best back off because I had a bit of a migraine starting from her meltdown last night and I wasn't wasting my day diving into a stupid argument. It was immediately then she changed her tone and said she was sorry and I am not Xh.

The truth is, as I told her that no matter what, I am not a mind reader nor am I super human. I make plenty of mistakes and I hopefully learn from them.

I am not going to be able to solve D's triggers. What I think my lesson is and D and I discussed this. Relationships of any type can be hard. There are those that are toxic or not worth working on because they don't serve us. And there are those times where you can't save a relationship or have to put it on a shelf, like hers and Xh's currently and hope Xh does the work he needs to. But any relationship, be it family or otherwise that is worth anything requires work sometimes and figuring things out and at times might mean compromise, etc.

I was thinking this morning about seeing several old barns in my travels this weekend. I spent a lot time trying to fix holes in the walls of my relationship with Xh. It was not really surface things. It was the quick fix and easier route to take in many ways. The thing is a barn can have the sides missing and still stand and be saved if the foundation is solid and the roof is maintained. Xh was chipping at the foundation and ripping the roof off and it didn't matter that I was trying to fix it up. I told D, who understands old barns and this concept, that it isn't always fun putting the work into those parts of any relationship, but if you have a foundation worth saving then you make sure the roof is solid as well. Then you can worry about making sure the sides are all painted and pretty. D said she understood.

Things are better now. My job, I realize as M right now is to be aware that my kids want me to be happy and I don't need to be as protective or worried. D and S both mentioned to me that they know I will never have some revolving door and if I ever get to a point where someone is around more then it means I trust them. With that we all know that it might not always be happy and perfect and that it might take work on all of our parts to adjust. I just need to trust my kids now and realize I don't have to protect them at every turn and I know that the whole MLC experience made me much more protective of them. Time for me to let go and we have to start talking like adults with one another.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#27: June 02, 2021, 03:10:15 AM
Talking to our kids like adults I think is one of the hardest things a parent has to learn sometimes... I still get it from my own mother and I am 57 years old for crying out loud...

But, it sounds like you got things straight with D in a good way...

Now, about that thing in the garage that S tripped over... Is it still there? <snort>
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#28: June 03, 2021, 08:05:43 AM
UrsaMajor - It is a fine balance still with D. She has always been very mature - since she was little. I have to remind myself that she is still a younger woman and has moments where she behaves like a normal person that age. While our talk helped, it is not going to magically change over night. At least we both seem to understand the path we both need to take and there may be some times we stumble. It's a start.

D is better, but she was in velociraptor mode and it wasn't light joking. It is poking as if to see if I am going to react. Little barbs to test the waters.

I get it, although I am not that way myself. If I get that angry, people need to leave me alone and then I work through it. Once I have moved past being really that upset or triggered, I typically am one to move past it quicker - as long as I have been given my space to let it out or be left alone. I don't respond well to poking or prodding.

D operates differently and I have had to learn to understand that is her way. It is not somehow the wrong way, but it is her personality. This too we had a discussion about and how we don't all operate or communicate the same way. Some things are not okay and you don't just give people a pass and ignore bad behaviors and enable it - like I did with the MLCer during all of those months, but you do have to accept on some levels that people are all wired differently. It is a simple concept that isn't necessarily easy to put into practice or remember in the heat of the moment.

D went with me to meet my sister for what has become our Wednesday routine. My sister had an arborist coming to the house to look at a tree and that meant our usual spot was going to make the walk shorter or we would have to rush. We would have met earlier, but she needed to make sure the kids were up for school. So, we opted for a walk around her neighborhood instead. We managed nearly 5 miles before the heat rolled in. It was a good walk and more hills than our regular route.

We stayed at my sister's for awhile and then D and I stopped on the way home to pick up some things for dinner. We were in the grocery store when I ran into my department Coordinator from the college. We had a nice chat although very brief because she was on her way out and had to get back home. She mentioned an event tonight that I may try to go to for just a bit if I can get through what I need to at home.

I hadn't planned on going anywhere but home, as I was really looking rather worn out after the walk. I dropped D off to pick up her car at her BFs and then went to put gas in the car. As I drove to the local gas station, I realized I should pick up the dog's ashes, which I had meant to do last week. As it is S's GF was back at work, I wasn't worried anyone would actually see me since they come out to the car and she would be the one to bring the ashes out with the flea meds I ordered for the cats. The gas station is usually quiet that time of day, so I thought I was in the clear and could avoid anyone seeing me - LOL.

Of course that would not be the case, as the universe likes to play games - LOL. I was just finishing up when along side of me another car pulled in. I looked over and it took me a minute to realize who it was. I didn't recognize him with his sunglasses on and as I was processing he smiled and said I was just what he needed in his life. I asked if that line actually works on anyone. The lady next to me laughed and said if a good looking young man pulled up and said that to her it would have her giving him her number. I turned to her and I had his number. ::) It would turn out it was my former coworker and he has never actually used that gas station, so it was funny to find me there.

He has been struggling with work and so when he saw me he knew I would get it. I pulled my car over and we talked for about 5 minutes. He texted me later and just thanked me for being his friend and letting him vent.

Seeing my coworker and talking to him about what is going on at the high school made me realize I don't want to go back to that. It is the same issues that haven't been resolved and Covid just made it worse. I miss my students and I don't mind high school students, but I don't want to deal with the bureaucratic BS that is in that particular program. It is the same cast of characters saying they want change but not actually doing anything other than talking about it and fearing that they might make a mistake, so instead they stay stuck in the same place never really trying something different or seeking solutions. I can't do it, at least not on that scale. It is not a new problem for this particular school.

I think I needed that reality check for myself. I don't want that anymore. I miss teaching. I miss my students. That I know, but hearing my coworker vent, it is the same problems still going on and they would greatly impact my program. I don't mind fighting for certain things, but I think I realize I don't want to have to battle for basic things, like my coworker is doing still. Nothing has changed on that level and he is much younger and to see him that beat down - no thanks.

I came home with the dog's ashes. I put the box in the library and decided I am not dealing with this right now. At some point I need to talk to both kids about what we want to do. D is still too wound from the last trigger. I won't avoid it completely, but for now, since it is not critical or priority it can be tabled for a time when we are ready as a family.
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
#29: June 04, 2021, 08:43:28 PM
I went to an art opening yesterday with my F. It is the first public reception at this venue since the pandemic. They had been doing some Zoom receptions, which were well received, but for me it just wasn't the same. This one was now a ticketed event to help with the crowd control and unlike in years past, they didn't serve any food or drink this time and masks were required for all. In some ways, the controlled situation was nice since it really allowed you to not have to battle people to look at the work and to talk to the artists.

I wasn't supposed to go. I had secured tickets for my parents for the early time slot, but was not wanting to go that early and before I knew it the tickets for the event were all gone. And, that was okay, as I decided I would just go over to look at the work on my own at a later date, as the exhibit it up for the entire summer. But, my M has been keeping a bit of a secret from us and it would seem that she has been in excruciating pain as she had hurt her knee a few days ago. Instead of resting though, she has been powering through. My F was so worried about her today, he sat by the phone and answered it immediately any time in rang because she had finally fallen asleep in her chair and he didn't want to wake her. It was strange enough that my sister, who discovered this called and let me know. So, yesterday, my M originally called and told me she thought I should go instead, and skirted the fact that she didn't want to go because she was in pain. It was half an hour before my F was ready to leave, which meant I had to be a quick change artist and change out of the clothes I had on to work on D's room.

My F and I had a wonderful time and the exhibit was absolutely exquisite. In the past we would have gone out afterwards, but my F was concerned about my M, so we headed for their house, where D met us for dinner. I found myself really seeing how my M's love language is acts of service. She loves waiting on people and not out of some need for control. We all had to convince her it was okay for her to sit and be waited on. D and I took care of the dishes after we were done and that was a battle, as my M insisted we could leave them for her to do.

Today, she was back in her chair, relaxing and insisting she was better. I don't believe her one bit, nor does my sister.

D went to spend some time with my F when my M and I were in the kitchen alone. She reminded me what tomorrow is. I paused and I think it surprised her when I had to think about the date and couldn't automatically recall how many years Xh and I would have been married as of tomorrow. She was worried once she brought it up that I would be bothered. I was shocked myself, only in that when the crisis rolled in had anyone said I would get to this point, I would never have ever believed them. It doesn't hurt or upset me. Do I still think it was foolish when maybe therapy would have solved the bulk of the issues - yes. And, I hate the mess that I still have to clean up at times.

Tomorrow is a day in history. It is not the same reason to celebrate nor is it a somber day for me any more. I cherish the good years - even when times weren't perfect. I am grateful my marriage brought two wonderful kids, who I sometimes want to string from their toes, into my life. I am even sometimes grateful now for the OW. Yah - I know - crazy. Do I want to go and thank her? No. But, the truth is, had things continued down the path I was becoming a person who enabled my Xh with his crisis. I needed a good hard slap. Maybe it is I have somehow convinced myself that for me the OW was the universe giving me a good hard slap and telling me to snap out of it. IDK.

My M's question did have me thinking, but more about looking back and wondering when the pain stopped exactly. It wasn't like one day just waking up and feeling better. It was gradual and then suddenly I realized that things have felt different for some time.

My M was worried this morning that because she had asked that question it had me in a deep, thinking mood. I had honestly forgotten about it. Her phone call came in at 7 am and it was almost comical as from then on, my phone rang non-stop up until I had to go to work. I would hang up and another call would come in. It was starting to aggravate me. One call came in and I ignored it, as the number was not one I recognized. After they left a message I called them back to find out that it was one of the local stores and I had won the top prize in their contest. I had forgotten that every time you buy something your name goes into the box. I have done more shopping there for the house recently with the pandemic. Seems the universe is giving me an anniversary gift in the form of a $500 gift certificate. LOL. It's better than the last MLC anniversary gift I got from Xh which was a weekend away at a lake cottage - oh wait, that was just Xh and OW. LOL.

See, I can laugh about it now. I told the kids I am having way too fun with this win, because I was looking through the catalog from the store and felt like the little kid when the Christmas Catalogs used to come out and circling the things you wanted as a kid. What can I say, I am easily entertained and it is kind of fun to not have to worry about what I blow this money on for once, even if it ends up being something really practical.  ;)
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