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Author Topic: My Story The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night

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My Story Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#20: May 24, 2021, 12:52:15 PM
that maybe I myself am having an MLC
To me this is not actually news because when we get bomb dropped. of course we go through a "crisis", of course we are in mid life so we are forced to change whether we want to or not.

Yes, I agree.

Now this mid life crisis may be more civilized than the one our spouses display to us.
We can maybe control ourselves more and learn what is happening from others here.

Perhaps, it’s a grief ‘crisis,’ rather than a midlife crisis for some of us? 

We go through the stages of grief — the most widely known are the 5 stages of Denial · Anger · Bargaining · Depression · Acceptance — at the loss of marriage as we have known. 

I would not be surprised at all if that grieving process is sometimes erroneously self-labelled as MLC.  And no wonder, seeing how closely the stages of MLC, as theorized by Conway and HB, resemble the stages of Grief. 

Sure, when we get off the floor where we had lain in fetal position for a while after BD, we may do a grand stocktake of our lives thus far, see what we can change, redefine the vision for our future, take proactive action towards some achievable and necessary goals.  It is a drastic change of course at midlife we are obliged to take because of the changed circumstances that were forced upon us.  I personally would not call that a midlife crisis. 

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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 12:55:29 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#21: May 24, 2021, 02:36:28 PM
Quote
Sure, when we get off the floor where we had lain in fetal position for a while after BD, we may do a grand stocktake of our lives thus far, see what we can change, redefine the vision for our future, take proactive action towards some achievable and necessary goals.  It is a drastic change of course at midlife we are obliged to take because of the changed circumstances that were forced upon us.  I personally would not call that a midlife crisis.

 I actually don't know about using the word crisis for what the LBSer goes through...to me it has been more like PTSD. I think the difference for me is that a crisis can be resolved...there are steps you can take to lessen the impact, and rebuild and for sure that is what some of what we are doing is...but PTSD..I am not sure that can be resolved by rebuilding our life.

There are triggers , depression, anxiety, malaise, fear that lingers long after BD. For some (and I would say this is true for me) it has not been possible to look at the present or the future with enthusiasm...and I have tried..therapy, yoga, travel..the only thing I haven't tried is having another intimate relationship....and to be perfectly honest...I can't. So much damage, so much shutting down of that spirit..it just isn't possible.

I work on these things, I don't want to be like this and certainly it is less so than the first couple of years..but trauma and the deep wounding that occurred has not been resolved.

I am at an interesting place in therapy (that in itself is significant, never having required therapy in 55 years, I am now 12 years past BD and continue in therapy)..one in which I cannot seem to take the next step..and I HATE this...I hate what this trauma did to me, to the person I was.

It could also be that 15 months of isolation due to COVID from all my family, of not being allowed to cross the border into Canada is also contributing significantly to my sense of "blah". Couples had one another thorough the crisis..the loneliness I feel now is so acute ..thank God for the vaccine which is slowly allowing me some human contact again.

Just a different perspective form one who hasn't been able to "build a new life" that has been pleasing to me.
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« Last Edit: May 24, 2021, 02:38:28 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#22: May 24, 2021, 04:00:55 PM
I didnt realize that you had not posted your story here, you have been posting here for 2 and a half years so glad you feel safe and happy enough to post here.

Time flies when your having a good time.

Keep giving back - it is good for you and for the others that read your story.

Thanks. It wasn’t a matter of feeling safe, this community is very good in that sense. Rather by the time I became more active here there was really not much going on, and I didn’t want to port many hundreds of entries all at once here. It didn’t make sense as it was all in the past. My wife and I have had minimal if any interaction for almost 3 years now, so there hasn’t been much of a “story” to post.

Trust me, in the “other” forum I have been told it was all my fault, that I caused my wife’s MLC, that maybe I myself am having an MLC, and that I am not a “real man” because I wasn’t raging about my wife having a PA. I was told that I was being CRUEL to my wife because by NOT filing for divorce immediately I was “leading her on.” My thought is that there are still a lot of hurt people and men are almost non existent in these forums. I think I may have become their “virtual MLCer” husband.

One of the many many strengths of this forum is the work of all the wonderful people (you and all the moderators and mentors) that help keep the discussions on track and create a safe space for others.


That sounds awful Marvin......... so glad you gave up on that place...... what a terrible thing to hear when you're doing your best and far beyond what most would do.  :)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#23: May 24, 2021, 04:14:10 PM
Acorn: completely agree. Its not a crises or transition to take a path that adapts us to a new reality and acceptance. Or if it moves us to put energy into our own growth and understanding. I would think that is something that we all ideally should ALWAYS be engaged in. The fruits of this labor is not just a peaceful and fulfilled life for us, but it expands our ability to be there for others and make the lives of others better imho.

xyzcf: sorry to hear this is where you find yourself. I can understand the amount of pain and grief. I do think we can have PTSD from events as adults. But generally a wound or a shock doesn't always end up as trauma. As adults, if we have developed good coping mechanisms, have flexibility and self soothing and security, a deep wound is processed and slowly shift, resolved, or worked around. Trauma usually happens when we are not capable of processing. Our pain or fear is "frozen" in a sense. This is much more likely to happen in our youth, as we have not yet developed our full coping structures. And usually involves caretakers, as they actually hold a position that is life and death to a child.

What I am saying is that sometimes there are traumas that are not identified from earlier. We can live completely functional lives without addressing them. But then they may get triggered. Trauma doesn't lend itself to traditional talk therapy. Mainly because it exists at a different "level" of our functionality. I know quite a few excellent trauma therapists who would say any trauma can be shifted and processed. But it takes the right desire and the right therapist. Not saying at all that any of that applies to you, just general information.

I know in my case I had already done a great deal of work on abandonment trauma from childhood. And yet BD1 triggered another layer which also helped me figure out what was going on (ironic isn't it? A trauma being triggered opened my eyes to the fact that what was going on wasn't "normal.")

SS: thank you, I would say it was fun, but it wasn't. But even in the constant attacks it forced me to examine my own beliefs and what I wanted. The only issue, which I kept trying to get across with minimal success, is that their vitriol while not harmful to me may be extremely damaging to someone who is in a more fragile state. In fact a few people reached out to me privately to say they would not post, but carried on private conversations so they could share and feel safe. Feeling safe is such a critical thing to get to after our lives are shattered.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#24: May 26, 2021, 04:12:35 AM
As I sit here drinking coffee, the day before my W arrives, I am checking in with myself. What is today? The calm before the storm? The day before I stick my hand in the blender? Funny enough I am in a place of calm and not caring. Its simply Wednesday.

This is important because I would like to ask the veterans here to help keep me “honest.” I am trying to make sure I am not in denial. That I am remaining clear eyed, detached, firmly grounded in reality. I know myself well enough to know that its hard to not fall into habits of 23 years of a relationship, even when the relationship is long dead and gone. It is hard to be around someone who looks and sounds like you best friend, but honestly right now is a fracture of fragments, most likely in a bit of pain and anxiety, and not really capable of giving much to anyone.

I keep reminding myself of this, and so far I seem to remember. This feels like having a work acquaintance come and stay at your place. I do not plan to stay here myself, I have arranged for alternative lodgings. But I will be coming and going. I plan to leave any amount of contact (or none) up to her, I have no need nor desire to spend time outside of a normal “how have you been” visit, which will happen on the drive from airport to dropping her at the house. And I volunteered just as a good time limited “check in” and because due to her non-vaccination status she is very concerned about public transportation (rightly so).

Now off to prepare the cats, I am sure they will be confused. I am thankful, specially in light of other threads and other stories, that I only have to worry about the cats and not any kids. I could not imagine how children would be coping with a random visit.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#25: May 26, 2021, 04:40:24 AM
No veteran here but following your journey. I actually "met you" in the other forum so I know how harsh the comments were.. I was only a newbie at the time and I was glad to find HS as I felt too fragile to take the punches you were getting. HS gave me space to get over the first few months that were so raw and mind-blowing, making me feel like I was in a safe place.

I'm curious to see how the visit goes. My H also moved away, he's been gone for 2 and a half years and all our communication in the last 2 years has been strictly business. I have moved on with my life but I do wonder how I would feel if he came back.. am I really detached or will feelings and emotions rush back in if I see him? When they leave, the LBS exposure to their crazy world decreases. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing but I find it very strange. The person that once was the centre of our lives all of the sudden vanishes. Sometimes I think his death would have been easier to accept and understand. Anyway, I'll be following your updates. I hope the visit doesn't upset your progress. Stay strong!
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H - 44 (40 @BD1)
M - 44 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!!!

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change

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The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#26: May 26, 2021, 06:24:54 AM
Quote
This is important because I would like to ask the veterans here to help keep me “honest.” I am trying to make sure I am not in denial.

I too am drinking my morning cappucino ( ;D) and from my vantage point you are not at all in denial. Regardless of what has transpired, there are always going to be strong feelings, good and bad to this person, and yes, for some of us, there is still love for them and that is ok. That is what being human means.

I look forward to hearing your description and analysis of this time. It is always very insightful.

I shake my head at what happened on the other site...I guess hurting people hurt people. Occasionally there have been blow ups on HS and perhaps I a "rewriting" history but I think often they were due to differences of opinions and not personal attacks although there have been some of those as well.

I am glad you  brought this up though because it is something for us all to be aware of. We don't know the whole story behind each person's story or what they are facing....most of the time, people on HS are kind and wish to support and help one another. Many friendships have been made here.

I am smiling at a memory I have of the support I received...I had not seen my husband for 19 months and our daughter was graduating from college...I had several HS members help me to get through that contact...no one else really could understand what I was feeling or going through but these people could. OP, Voyager from across the pond, Trusting, Stayed and others ....I was such a mess and now when I look back, as expressed in a previous post that may have sounded like I am still a mess, there are circumstances that are out of my control that have nothing to do with him that I am trying to cope with....

Anyway, you got this.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#27: May 26, 2021, 06:47:27 AM
Another one here enjoying some morning coffee.  ;)

You don't seem in denial to me.  You seem well prepared for the possibility that normal human emotions may be at play upon seeing someone after so long, someone you shared a long and very strong connection with.  And understandably, since it hasn't happened yet, you don't quite know what those emotions will be.
They may surprise you, they may not. 

If she is, as you feel, at a 3 on the 1 (old self)-10(full blown MLC) scale, that hopefully means her visit will not be any real disruption to your "new normal."  You seem well past the roller coaster highs and lows...she may be as well, but even if she's not, you have the toolkit that allows you to check in with yourself and do what's right for you, knowing you can't affect or change her.

As for the other forum, as xyz said, hurt people hurt people - and angry people are just that, very hurt people hiding their hurt under a cloak of anger.  I am just now remembering that a good while ago, I started a discussion thread here called "How we treat each other on the forum" - that's how we've traditionally rolled here when things start to go sideways, we talk it out and discuss it instead of allowing prolonged abuse and bashing of other members.  It may not always be sunshine and rainbows, but it's always meant to lead to healing and better understanding of each other.
I'm glad you're sharing your story here, glad you feel able to do so, and glad you've been here for a while now lending so much support to others in need.
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Re: The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#28: May 26, 2021, 06:58:08 AM
Good morning marvin, and may it be full of blessings and steady peace today. I think I have been a member on that site for years too, but I haven’t been there since about a month after I registered.

I hope you will find that when some of the typical old dynamics turn up, they are automatically different now because of how you’ve leaned and grown during the partner’s absence. H and I both were stunned when he offered provocation and I didn’t respond to it the usual ways at all. That can make for some minor awkwardness as both participants adjust to the new calm, but it also paves a new path of respect and respectability, and I think also peace for the one who had felt most chaotic.

I always felt I was the one who felt most chaotic, being that he knew what he was up to. Or did he?

Trust that your reflexes are different and better informed and more grounded now. That’s beautiful, no matter what state of mind anyone else is in.

When I read your opening post a few minutes after you’d posted it, I audibly exclaimed and my jaw hit the floor. And I couldn’t even write a response, until now. So just know that here there are prayers up for you, ever since.

You’ve got this. Smart you, taking alternate accommodations; I’ll have to remember that for any “just in case”.

There may be tears, at the end of your day as you reflect on it all wherever you are. That’s a positive release, so let them come and flow and then abate, even if it hurts while you do. Just let it all flow through. Really rooting here for you both.
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The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
#29: May 26, 2021, 07:03:50 AM
The only thing I would like to say to you is to continue just being your authentic self.
I know you won’t try to read her mind, read between the lines, analyze her, analyze all the interactions, or predict the course of relationship — because you are very well aware that you ain’t a psychic, or a psychiatrist, or a prophet. 

All the best! 
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Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

 

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