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Author Topic: My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times

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My Story Re: Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#20: June 24, 2021, 01:14:59 AM
Hi HF:

I wanted to say you sound like you are doing pretty well all things considering. It hasn’t been that long yet and you are finding a firm footing, sorting out what you need, what is best. I can imagine its not easy, and there may be ups and downs but keep going.

These are great questions you are asking. For me I always remind myself I don’t have to make any decisions until I absolutely have to. So as you are saying in a way just sit with these thoughts. Are there any immediate pressures to make any decision at this time?
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#21: June 24, 2021, 05:28:12 AM
Hi Marvin,

The only immediate pressures I had were selling the house and paying down debt which is done.   Now I am content slow rolling the divorce and see what she does.  If she moves fast with the D then the decision to move on will be easier for me.  Realistic this most likely will happen but still a small chance she has some second thoughts.  Her behavior is shocking to many of the people who were close to her.  If she does change course it will start with others first. I understand she would reconnect with friends and her parents first.  Any efforts to reconnect with me would be later.

Just trying to give her space and focus on me for now.  Not sure I know how long I will stand if she does have second thoughts.  When she almost died, I prayed for healing and promised God I would always take care of her.  Still willing to stand for the long haul as long as boundaries with OM are met.  Inappropriate contact with OM needs to end before I would consider trying to reconnect. 

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#22: July 03, 2021, 01:43:44 PM
Time for a journal update

Well I returned from a trip out west to watch my daughter in her competition.  Since it was my wife's week, i stayed at another hotel and only saw my girls briefly which was ok.  I was able to have my own time going to a baseball game, playing golf, and watching the F9 movie which was completely mindless but fun.

The thing I was most proud of was that my W and i were able to remain cordial and just cheer on our daughter.  First time we texted in awhile that didnt have to deal with the D.  It was also interesting that there was one night where there was drama with some of the other mothers at the competition and she started texting and seeking emotional support from me.  I did provide some support but backed off.  Need to keep my distance.

After returning, my wife did ask for some documents for her lawyer.  She also hasn’t been feeling well and is still struggling.  It’s tough for me to watch but she has to figure it out.   I am moving on with my life and have detached as much as possible at this point.  Taking my girls to the beach in a couple of weeks and can’t wait to get away.

HF

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Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#23: July 03, 2021, 03:17:59 PM
I would like to see the F9 movie too but my vacation companions chose Cruella and The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard instead.  I might have to go see it by myself this week lol.

I'm glad you were able to make the best of the trip out West.

I'm glad that things remained cordial. 

I hope that you have a fantastic trip with your girls to the beach!  I love the beach, so I'm thinking how could you not have a fantastic trip, lol.
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#24: July 04, 2021, 08:01:22 AM
Thanks FW,

The girls and I saw Cruella and they absolutely loved all the fashion displayed in the movie.  Thanks for the support and I hope  you enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend too.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
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#25: July 10, 2021, 04:23:57 PM
Time for another journal.  Well, I had a great week with my girls as they were really busy with their sports activities as they enjoy the last month of summer here.  We also had some quality time together over the 4th which was really nice.  They are both thriving which makes me feel really good.

As for the MLC W, she has been cordial but somewhat distant.   No monstering at all lately.   I am still managing most of the planning for the kids school/activities but she is at least still working on things with me and spending time with the kids 50/50.  She still looks worn out and appears to be struggling.  Just letting her be and giving her space.

With me, I am doing pretty well.  My kids, job, and relationships with my close friends are going well.  I kind feel in a transition phase where I am stuck as the divorce is pending.  I have accepted that my marriage is almost over and yet I'm not at point where it is time to totally let go.  Until the divorce is finalized or my W publically comes out with another relationship on social media, I will continue to stand for my marriage.  Most likely both will happen with the divorce being finalized first and then public disclosure after.  I have stopped following her on social media although she still follows me (and my family)  :o 

I am thinking about planning a trip for myself once the divorce is final.  Will give me a chance to get away to say a final goodbye to my marriage and gain more closure.

I eventually long for a healthy spouse where God is always at the center of our marriage but want to focus on self-healing first.  Still baffles my mind about my W's behavior but I will be ok.

One more week until the beach.  Can't wait!

HF
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Together 19 years, M 17
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BD - July 2020
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W Filed for D - May 2021

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Nas

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#26: July 10, 2021, 04:41:04 PM

I am thinking about planning a trip for myself once the divorce is final.  Will give me a chance to get away to say a final goodbye to my marriage and gain more closure.


HF

Don’t underestimate the power of this. I took a trip to a specific place in 2018 - at that point, I had not been standing for sometime. But the trip with the specific purpose of letting go of my marriage was really significant for me. I felt different afterwards. I reclaimed the place for myself (it’s a place we used to vacation together that always felt like home to me and I really would like to live there. But knowing that I can at least go back eventually, even for just a visit, and associate it with my own happiness and peace instead of sad memories feels empowering.)

I think a solo trip just for you is a fantastic idea. I hope things continue on a steady course for you. Enjoy the beach!
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« Last Edit: July 10, 2021, 04:57:46 PM by Nas »

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#27: July 12, 2021, 01:46:58 PM
Thanks Nas!  I have a couple of places in mind and some of it just depends on what I want to do over the next year balancing a trip with my kids, seeing family over Christmas, and saving to buy another house vs choosing to continue rent.   Fun to think about and plan.

Quick Journal Update:  I did hear from my good friends that one of their family members saw my W and kids at Church on Sunday morning.   This is a really good thing for my kids as they need consistency in their life right now.   It's also good for my W as she works to deal with her own issues.  Want her to find peace in her life even if she follows through with the divorce.

Beach time is almost here.  Just trying to have a productive week of work before vacation.  Have a great week everyone!

HF
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W Filed for D - May 2021

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#28: July 13, 2021, 09:37:03 AM
Hello,

Glad to hear about the updates and how you are doing. I think it is such good news to hear your daughters are thriving.

I also am glad that you are taking the time to take care of yourself and the vacation for you will be great. When you take care of yourself, you are in the best position to ensure that your kids thrive. Helps you thrive too!

As far as your wife goes, remember that she fired you from your job. In my situation, she filed for divorce right after OM filed. If there was any stand left in me at that point, it was all gone by the end of the divorce. I know people on the forum will tell you it's just a piece of paper. However, I remember signing the document that killed my marriage and scanning it back. It was so painful and just so impersonal at the same time.

Now, my wife also moved a thousand miles away and that really helped with detachment.

I hope you can continue to detach and most importantly- you find peace and bliss within yourself. You are a good husband and a fantastic father. Your wife's choices and actions have nothing to do with you as a man, husband, or father.

Keep going strong and be good to yourself,

((((Ready))))

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H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#29: July 30, 2021, 09:41:02 PM
Thanks Ready for the continued support.

Well, I haven't journaled in awhile due to 2 key things.  #1)  I had an absolute fantastic time at the beach   #2) Not much has changed with my W.

I absolutely loved my vacation.  It was so great to see my family who I hadn't seen in over 18 months since COVID. (Almost everyone is vaccinated)  It was the absolute perfect beach vacation with great weather and my girls had a great time.  It was so needed to have a week long trip without any stress.   :)

Also, I am becoming more detached from W.  My main focus is making sure my kids are OK and they are both doing well.  School starts in a couple of weeks and they both seem to have enjoyed their summer and are ready for school.   We also have been watching the Olympics which has been so much fun.

As for my W, things have been relatively quiet.   I haven't heard anything from the lawyers since documents were exchanged in early July.   There has been some positive news in that my W did go to church on her own and she also reached out to her closest girl friend.  We were best friends with a couple prior to BD and W distanced from them following BD.  The couple (including her best friend) have stood by me.

What does mean?  Absolutely nothing as this point.  I have followed enough threads to understand  that I can't read her mind or read into any small positive steps.  Is it good that she went to church? Yes   Will she need to reconcile with her best friend before even thinking about reconciling with me? Yes

Does this mean she wants to reconcile with me?  I have no idea.

For now, I am focused on my relationship with my kids.   If W does want to reconcile, she will need stop the divorce and commit to work on the marriage.  I will not ask her to.  It needs to come from her.

It is her journey and  I will be ok.   Thanks to all of you for your stories and guidance.

HF

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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
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BD - July 2020
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W Filed for D - May 2021

 

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