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Author Topic: My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times

H
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My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#70: October 25, 2021, 08:51:22 PM
Time for a quick journal.  Too tired to put a lot of thought into this but wanted to share.

So my kids needed to pick up items at W's place and walked in with W and another M in the apartment.   This was after we had already made tentative plans to pick up the items and my oldest D had talked with W about coming over.   I don't know the details as I found out what happened after talking with W days later.  I just knew that kids were upset about something and told them I am here to listen if they need me.

I finally talked with W and called her out that she needs to own her past decisions and she has to be honest with our kids.   It was technically my custody so she can do whatever she wants.  I am at a point where I don't care anymore but she must be honest with our kids.   I can't control her behavior but I can stick up for kids.

Would appreciate insights into how to handle communication with my kids if their are similar events in the future as W is clearly still in replay.  Just focused on being the best Dad I can be and making sure my girls are getting the stability that they need.   As for the impending D, I am at a point where I am ready to let W go.   I can't take the dishonesty, especially with my kids.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#71: October 26, 2021, 02:18:04 AM
HF,

IMHO (opinion of 1), all you can really do is to be the rock that your kids can lean on, to be there for them if and when they need to talk/vent/rant and to be able to pull that off without adding your own judgement/pain into the mix (NOT easy, believe me).

Example might be that D(oldest) comes to you and rants that her mom was there with some guy and gives the gory details. What she will likely need is someone to hear her, acknowledge and validate that she is feeling angry/confused/betrayed/let down but without the "Yeah, MLCW really has her head shoved up her ... fog... she is a beast... etc., etc." THAT part is not healthy and can really backfire
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#72: October 26, 2021, 09:33:17 PM
IMHO (opinion of 1), all you can really do is to be the rock that your kids can lean on, to be there for them if and when they need to talk/vent/rant and to be able to pull that off without adding your own judgement/pain into the mix (NOT easy, believe me).

Thx UM.  Totally agree on being the rock for my kids.  I have rebounded emotionally and had a good time with my kids over the past couple of days.   I let my W have it regarding her not owning her poor decisions.  Will do my best to support my kids without adding my own pain when they come to me which they will at the right time.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

C
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#73: October 27, 2021, 01:52:01 PM
HF, I just want to say that I have continued to follow your thread and I am so impressed with the strength and grace you have shown throughout this difficult process. Your kids are truly lucky to have you to rely on.
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H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#74: October 27, 2021, 08:42:20 PM
HF, I just want to say that I have continued to follow your thread and I am so impressed with the strength and grace you have shown throughout this difficult process. Your kids are truly lucky to have you to rely on.

Thanks Curiosity!  I follow your thread too and appreciate so much all the support that you and others have given me.   All the heartbreaking stories have helped me through the acceptance process and given me the strength to move forward with my life. 

Significant Journal Update!

Well, my W and I have reached an agreement for the pending D and only have a couple of minor things to work out.   The events over the past month have helped me realize that it's time to finalize the D to protect me and my kids.   Not sure how I will feel once I sign and am officially divorced but I know I need to move forward and not look back with my life.   Will see where the wind blows and life takes me.   8)

HF

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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#75: October 27, 2021, 09:20:41 PM
The events over the past month have helped me realize that it's time to finalize the D to protect me and my kids.   Not sure how I will feel once I sign and am officially divorced but I know I need to move forward and not look back with my life.   Will see where the wind blows and life takes me.   8)

It seems you are now in a good place. A lot like me when D became reality.... Where the wind blows and life takes you.   To a good life, that I can say for sure.

Take good care of yourself and family.

Alvin
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#76: October 27, 2021, 10:11:29 PM
You sound really good HF.

I'm sorry it came to this, but you're going to be fine, and continuing to be a GREAT father.  :D

Just curious...... how does that work.... the D paperwork? It comes to you already signed from her, you sign and then it's over?
I've never seen how it works, have always been curious ever since my aunt D'ed her abusive H when I was a little kid.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#77: October 27, 2021, 10:40:29 PM
In my state here in the US, the lawyers prepare the divorce settlement decree which both spouses and their lawyers sign.   Then it goes to a judge.   At this point, I have 99.% accepted the reality.  I can't allow my kids to see this dysfunctional relationship.  Hope my W figures her life out someday.   

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#78: October 29, 2021, 06:42:48 PM
Wasn't planning on posting again this weekend but absolutely have to post about this.  My W's midlife crisis is complete.  She got a new car today although she doesn't even need one as her work provides her with a car.  Now the D settlement is agreed upon, assuming a possible public admission about OM will be coming.

Very sad but these MLCers don't always make the best decisions.   And it's not my circus anymore.

Hope everyone enjoys your weekend.   

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

J
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#79: October 29, 2021, 07:55:18 PM
Sorry, HF.
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