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Author Topic: My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times

T
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My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#80: October 30, 2021, 02:43:51 PM
HF- I don’t even think it can be called decisions. More like they are flying by the seats of their pants to get through each day. It does seem like it is a constant need of having something to look forward to whether a purchase, activity or a relationship change. The constant look for an outside source to make them feel better. We have no choice, but to let them continue down the river with a hole in their boat. They figure out how to fix the boat or sink. I’m in your same place. Just leaving the river and driving away in my car.
I’m so sorry HF. They truly are such a mess. It’s mind boggling
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#81: October 31, 2021, 09:45:16 AM
Thanks Torn.  It truly is a mess but it's not our mess so looking forward to some more peace in my life over the next year.

This weekend I am started to totally focus on me and am going to start to take the focus on my W.   Going to put together some goals for myself which focus on my physical, mental, and spiritual health.   Over the past month, I have changed my diet and am starting to eat healthy for lunch and dinner during the week while allowing me to cheat on the weekend when I'm watching football with friends or by myself.   This amount of stress over the past year has taken a toll on me but I feel the stress is starting to diminish now that the D agreement is close and I will be able to move forward.

I also have been working out routinely.   I'm realistic that I won't be as dedicated as SS at the gym or Watcher running marathons (great job by the way you two) , but I want to get to a place where I am physically back to my optimal physical level in my life.   Eating healthy, getting good sleep, and the stress lessening should help in addition to the exercise.

Lastly, my biggest challenge is focusing on my relationship with God and being the light for my children.   Right now with 50/50 custody, I am having to counter my W's current state focused on material things and living in the moment.   It has started to rub off on my kids.   I anticipate there will be struggles with my kids over the next year and I will have to hold my ground to get them to understand that I will live my life different than their Mom and I will put God at the center of my life.

One fun note.   I originally hadn't planned on visiting my family for Christmas but the visitation calendar worked out so I am going to take my kids to Florida to visit my parents, siblings, and their kids.   Will have to fly back on Christmas afternoon but it's ok as my girls will be able to spend Christmas night with their mom.   I didn't want them to be away from either parent this first Christmas.   Also, flights on Christmas day are cheaper which made booking the trip possible.

Unsure of my cadence for posting as things stat to settle down in my life.   I am sure I will have more questions for the group as I transition to being D.   

HF

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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#82: October 31, 2021, 11:17:24 AM
Quote
Lastly, my biggest challenge is focusing on my relationship with God and being the light for my children.

Quote
I will have to hold my ground to get them to understand that I will live my life different than their Mom and I will put God at the center of my life.

When I read this I thought of the words "as for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord".

Today's reading and homily were about loving one's neighbor which has always been important to me.

What I show my daughter, in how I treat her father does have an impact for her.

Sometimes I get weary but I was also once told that my prayers for him, as his spouse, are so important. God hears our prayers for them and the example we give to our children and to others is that love that Christ has shown us.

As I left mass today, the following song was playing in my car by Danielle Rose "Bleed to heal" and these lyrics spoke directly to me:

This blood from my hands
And this wound from my side
I am bleeding to heal the wounds in your life
All the broken hope and broken homes and dreams torn apart
The blood that I shed
Is straight from the beat of your broken heart

Love with each step
Love with each breath
Love with each moment
Love the despairing
Love the pain that comes
Love the persecution
Love and be loved"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyb7GRDBWy8

It is not easy HF.

Good work on eating/exercising and taking care of yourself. Your Christmas trip sounds wonderful!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#83: November 07, 2021, 07:43:47 PM
Thanks XY for the encouragement.  Had a great evening with my kids as we watched church on-line as one of my kids was sick this weekend.   Good news is  my D's COVID and strep test came back negative when visited urgent care.

Pretty uneventful week over the past week.  Was able to spend time with my kids shopping for gifts which we will give to those in need through our church.   My youngest really enjoyed the experience and will continue to  focus on giving and serving others.

Things with W have been quiet and we were able to meet in person to plan out the calendar for the next 6 months.   She is still so focused on her own life and thinks the kids activities are taking too much time away from her weekends.   When she made a comment, I just looked at her and didn't say anything.  I know my kids activities are worth it.

Getting ready to start a new week.   Continuing to eat healthy, exercise, and get good sleep.  My goal is not put on the usual 10 pounds during the holidays.   Will see if I can do it.    :)

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#84: November 17, 2021, 01:10:02 PM
Good time for a quick journal.

Well, I ended up getting the non-COVID virus that my daughter had a week ago and I had to get tested this past weekend.   The good news is that my PCR COVID test was negative.   Grateful that I am feeling better and it was minor.   I still feel for all the people and families that have been impacted by COVID. 

I have had some time to reflect this past week as I was quarantined working from home.   I am getting stronger with dealing with my W and continue to reinforce boundaries as we work through co-parenting and paying for the kids activities.    Going to have a quiet Thanksgiving  with friends and I am really looking forward the upcoming trip with my girls to visit my family at Christmas.   I still have so much to be thankful for as I move forward with my wife.

Appreciate reading all of  your stories as you share you thoughts and emotions while you deal with your current/former spouses.  It really does get easier with time and the time that I have had this year has been a gift that I am using to make the most our of my life.  Hope everyone finds some joy this holiday season.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

T
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#85: November 18, 2021, 03:33:18 AM
HF- sounds all positive. Enjoy your Thanksgiving with friends!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#86: November 18, 2021, 06:05:57 AM
Hey HF  :D

The non-Covid virus..... those still exist? LOL!!

Glad things are going well. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving  :)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

H
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#87: November 24, 2021, 06:51:49 PM
Thanks Torn and SS for your support.

Well, have to provide an update as my W passively invited me over for Thanksgiving.   I got a text asking if I had plans for Thanksgiving.   I waited over 3 hours and then sent a ? response.   I then followed up the next morning texting her why she was asking about my plans.    I never received  a response back the entire day.   Finally, I let her know that I did have plans in the late afternoon on Thanksgiving.    She then replied and texted that she was planning to invite me over for lunch on Thanksgiving.  I responded and let her know that the only way I was joining her at the same table was if we were both committed to our rebuilding our marriage.   She finally responded and indicated one of her divorce friends still spends thanksgiving with her XH.   Craziness  :o

There has to be boundaries as I move forward with my life.  I love my kids and can be cordial at kids sporting events and more important events as they get older.     But I can't sit around and play happy family at Thanksgiving while were are getting ready to sign divorce papers over the next couple of weeks.  She also wanted to know why I blocked her on Instagram.  I told here that our future communication would focus on co-parenting, and I was moving on with my life without her.    She ended the text thread by saying that I clearly have things that I need to work through.   "I have things to work through?"   She still hasn't been honest with our kids, her family, and most importantly me.

Sorry if I am rambling but I have had enough of her.  I am a patient person and have been there for her after BD while she was in the house and even still supportive after she moved out.   Detaching is hard but I know I'm taking steps to protect me as I move on.

Thanksgiving tomorrow will be hard being away from my kids, but I do have  a really fun time planned with one of my friends.   We are going to watch one of the NFL games at an exclusive sports club which will be really, really fun.    I will make the most of the day and am still thankful for all the blessings in my life.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone.  I am normally pretty balanced but this Thanksgiving communication with the pending divorce really frustrated me.

HF
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« Last Edit: November 24, 2021, 07:29:29 PM by HeavenlyFocus »
W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

J
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Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#88: November 24, 2021, 09:10:17 PM
Sorry this is such an unfortunate "landmark date" for you, HF, but it sounds like you're doing well with the boundaries. I don't know if it's the MLC immaturity, but my W had said something early on about always remaining friends with her exes. Those were dating relationships, not marriage, and she wasn't looking for a big settlement from them. I'm sure there are a few situations where a married couple may actually have an amicable divorce and remain friends, but for the most part I think that's a TV show fiction.

JB
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#89: November 24, 2021, 09:50:22 PM
Wow HF, what a conversation.  :o

Bravo on making your wants/needs plain. Seems like she struggled with that (not a surprise). That's really good, some pushback without being ugly or needy.

Any time they reach out is a good thing though. It may just seem like she wants to be friends and all that nonsense..... but I think there is more to it than that. A reach out is difficult, and emotional. A normal person may do that for the kids and whatnot, but she's not normal. Just as you are thinking about special days, part of her is also. When she says "you have things to work out", is she saying it to you, or saying it to herself (projection)? Reality comes in fits and spurts, what's probably happening is the reality that you will not be there for days like tomorrow, and she doesn't like it..... possibly compounded with the realization that THIS is the new normal. After all, her friends ex-H spends holidays with her, why not you? Why can't she have everything without cost? A good bonk in the head for her, and what you told her is spot on: "I will not be there unless we are going to work ourselves out"..... puts the ball square in her court.
Good job HF!!

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

 

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