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Author Topic: My Story Love & Hate

T
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My Story Love & Hate
#10: July 16, 2021, 06:41:17 AM
That is exactly what boggles the mind. My XH has tried talk therapy and counseling twice. When he seems to get to the worst part that just may cross the bridge he exits. He can not face the pain of what put him where he is and he cant face the pain of his escape coping mechanisms.

Before going NC a couple weeks ago I sent him a list of Dr’s . He said he was going to go. He said “I have to do something” The other woman he is jet setting all over with is no longer keeping him from his depression all the time and of course as relationships progress more intimacy in conversation is needed. He only wants to stay superficial.

The exit from their lives is a desperate measure that will only last for so long. Either they live a life of lies and pain or face the pain and come out the other end. Sad to see so many lives changed forever due to the inability to face reality

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

m
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Re: Love & Hate
#11: July 17, 2021, 02:04:39 AM
The exit from their lives is a desperate measure that will only last for so long. Either they live a life of lies and pain or face the pain and come out the other end. Sad to see so many lives changed forever due to the inability to face reality

TornUp, I know you have gone through a lot. And you are absolutely correct. Our challenge in all this is to get to acceptance. Acceptance that this has happened, acceptance that it has nothing to do with us, acceptance that they are no longer our friend much less partner, acceptance that their pain and challenge is not ours (and it never was), and acceptance that we have to let them go and take care of ourselves.

If we don’t then our love will most likely turn to hate over time. Hence the title of the thread…
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

m
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Re: Love & Hate
#12: July 29, 2021, 03:50:34 AM
Well not much is going on, my W seems to be settled into a new "stasis." She is friendly but not as friendly as she was when she first arrived. There are occasional life decisions where she will use "we" and I simply ignore it. No interest in any "interpretation" as there is no logic to be found (intellectually or emotionally). She is still engaged in improvements around the house, right now its in the yard and general care of the outdoors. That has always been her interest and love, so its not that unusual. And hey who am I to complain, its nice to have someone improve the lawn and garden while I do nothing!  ;D

I have decided to extend my trip (not relate to my W at all, just decided I prefer where I am where weather is nice and optional are plenty to very hot and humid weather back home and not much to do). So if plans hold I won't potentially see my wife until end of September, assuming she is still around. One nice advantage is I know my cats are not alone while I am gone. So that is yet another good thing about her hanging around the house.

I find myself pondering and thinking about how I felt loved before everything fell apart. I am sorting out my needs and desires from what was really happening, trying to assess how much of what I felt was coming from her and how much was me projecting what I needed on her. I am a strong believer that ultimately it DOES NOT matter, so questions like "was it real" are not useful or needed. If we felt it then it was real for US and that is all we have. In my case it is an exercise in understanding myself. The interesting discussion in another thread (Nas) prompted this. I am trying to discover how much own early life experiences shaped my acceptance of my W and how much she was in a way my first real experience in being mostly accepted and loved. And that was important to me and an important part of my growth and life.

Which honestly is all we can ask for in a lot of ways. The inner workings and motivations are not really that important imho. This also applies to everything I have learned since my wife (but not my life) fell apart.

Todays musical journey (as always TM Nas):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFLOG2wxg3Q
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

T
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Re: Love & Hate
#13: July 29, 2021, 04:33:55 AM
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I am a strong believer that ultimately it DOES NOT matter, so questions like "was it real" are not useful or needed. If we felt it then it was real for US and that is all we have.
Quote

This!!!  Have a wonderful Trip Marvin
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

A
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Love & Hate
#14: July 29, 2021, 07:02:14 AM
It sounds like you are enjoying yourself, away from an unpleasant weather condition back home.  Well, why not, especially if you have a live-in pet sitter.  Enjoy and enjoy some more! 

Your post took me back to the memories of my early days of LBS-hood.   I wasn’t detached, though I tried to convince myself that I was, and reacted in the opposite manner to what you have written here.  To illustrate the contrast, I provide my reaction.  Don’t laugh. 

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There are occasional life decisions where she will use "we" and I simply ignore it.


“O my gosh, my H said ‘WE’ a few times!  I wonder what that means for our relationship.  I think it’s something REAL good and positive.’

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No interest in any "interpretation" as there is no logic to be found (intellectually or emotionally)

“I think he is finally seeing the light and, I dare say, US.  Love, love, love this humongous progress!”

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She is still engaged in improvements around the house, right now its in the yard and general care of the outdoors. That has always been her interest and love, so its not that unusual.

“Wow, I can’t believe my eyes.  He must be reconnecting!   Don’t MLCers reconnect with things/people from the periphery, such as the house and garden, and then progressively move on to pets, to friends, to family, to children and then finally ME?  I wonder how long before he will be at the centre(ME!) of the concentric circles of reconnection.  I can hardly wait!”

…..

Quote
I am trying to discover how much own early life experiences shaped my acceptance of my W and how much she was in a way my first real experience in being mostly accepted and loved. And that was important to me and an important part of my growth and life.

Which honestly is all we can ask for in a lot of ways. The inner workings and motivations are not really that important imho. This also applies to everything I have learned since my wife (but not my life) fell apart.

You have succinctly expressed similar lessons I have learned but found difficult to put into written words.  Thank you.

Once you learn the above lesson, you cannot go back to speculating another person’s ‘inter workings and motivations’ because you can see how futile and unhelpful that is.  It applies to all humans we interact with, not just MLCer, in my view.

LBS can make observations and that’s where a calm and detached person stops as you have done.  Besides, you are not giving us a blow by blow account of ‘what my wife did.’

If LBS goes beyond observing and make assumptions about what’s in MLCer’s head, what stage he/she is in, or make predictions in regards to MLCer’s trajectory and relationship — no matter how calmly it is written — I suggest that LBS has a bit of inner work to do…. Yeah, speaking from personal experience. 

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I find myself pondering and thinking about how I felt loved before everything fell apart. I am sorting out my needs and desires from what was really happening, trying to assess how much of what I felt was coming from her and how much was me projecting what I needed on her. I am a strong believer that ultimately it DOES NOT matter, so questions like "was it real" are not useful or needed. If we felt it then it was real for US and that is all we have. In my case it is an exercise in understanding myself.

Yes, yes, yes!

A lot of dividends are to be gained when we focus on our own ‘inner workings and motivations..’

Enjoy your stay where fair weather rules. 
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« Last Edit: July 29, 2021, 08:29:46 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

C
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Love & Hate
#15: July 29, 2021, 09:16:18 AM
There’s so much good here… I get a lot of this same stuff from my W. She’s been back in our home for 4 months now (after 6 months away), she talks about home improvements and we are starting to move forward with them; there are shared travel plans; she uses “we” and “us” and the occasional pet names; she even moved her engagement ring back to her left ring finger. All of these are things that I observe because… well, it’s happening right under my nose. But what this past year or so has taught me is that reading meaning into someone else’s words or actions is only going to lead to misunderstandings down the road. Home improvements - harbinger of reconnection to the home, or further escape and avoid through spending money and changing things? Doesn’t matter… I will have the discussion, and if the improvement is something that I want, why not move forward? Travel - same thought process. The ring location - who knows, maybe she’s just wearing it where it feels most comfortable and because she likes the way it looks. Maybe it’s meant to be a big glaring signal to me, but I’m not playing those games. Healthy communication from a place of mutual respect, kindness, and honesty - that’s what would signal real progress, and that doesn’t require any reading of subtext.

Thanks, Marvin, for expressing so eloquently this situation that could throw a lot of mixed signals for anyone who is still looking for signals in the subtext. It’s a really important reminder to keep our eyes on ourselves and our feet pointed along our own paths.
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H
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Love & Hate
#16: July 30, 2021, 09:19:46 PM

Quote
I am trying to discover how much own early life experiences shaped my acceptance of my W and how much she was in a way my first real experience in being mostly accepted and loved. And that was important to me and an important part of my growth and life.

Which honestly is all we can ask for in a lot of ways. The inner workings and motivations are not really that important imho. This also applies to everything I have learned since my wife (but not my life) fell apart.

You have succinctly expressed similar lessons I have learned but found difficult to put into written words.  Thank you.

Once you learn the above lesson, you cannot go back to speculating another person’s ‘inter workings and motivations’ because you can see how futile and unhelpful that is.  It applies to all humans we interact with, not just MLCer, in my view.

LBS can make observations and that’s where a calm and detached person stops as you have done.  Besides, you are not giving us a blow by blow account of ‘what my wife did.’

If LBS goes beyond observing and make assumptions about what’s in MLCer’s head, what stage he/she is in, or make predictions in regards to MLCer’s trajectory and relationship — no matter how calmly it is written — I suggest that LBS has a bit of inner work to do…. Yeah, speaking from personal experience. 



Thank you Marvin and Acorn for such valuable insight.  As I work through my own situation, this has helped me to continue my own inner work.  I will post on my thread shortly but appreciate so much both of your insights.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

m
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Re: Love & Hate
#17: August 14, 2021, 05:29:35 AM
First thank you everyone for the excellent thoughts and comments. Its so nice to have thoughtful dialogue and get to see so many viewpoints expressed and shared.

Second I thought its time for an almost non update. I have been pretty hectic, I am in the process of moving in my secondary home overseas from one flat to another. This was the flat I had set up a few months after BD1. We had always planned to slowly move here, that was always part of our plans (although I have been traveling here a very long time and it has always been my favorite city). So after BD1 part of GAL was to make “our” plans back to “my plans.” So I found a flat and set up a home for myself. This was a big deal as it was the first “home” I had set up by myself in over 2 decades. There was a lot of emotions, lot of healing, lot of pain, and a lot of reclaiming myself that happened in that process. And this place was truly “mine” as my W was not any part of it.

I have found a new place that is better suited for the long term for me. If I were to truly move here completely the new place is ideal. The old one was good, but its hard to find the right place and when the opportunity came I had to seriously consider it. Part of the reason I went ahead was an acknowledgement that my future probably is here. Another part was a strange feeling that the time for my first place had somehow passed. I have been here now 4 years, and these 4 years in a lot of ways were a transition from the old life to the new. And maybe a part of me is now done in subtle ways with “transition.” Not sure but it sure sounds like a good story! It is an interesting random event that I took over the new place almost exactly 4 years from the time I got the first one.

As for my W, there is small non surprising developments. She informed me that she is headed back overseas to her other “home.” She did not use those words, and it was couched in vague reasons why. So at least I get to go back home for a while when I return. The “fun” part was initially she wanted to stop here and spend a few days with me. I politely let it be known that I would be happy to meet for dinner and lunch occasionally but I was busy otherwise. This led to her deciding to head straight back and skip a visit until I was more “free.”

I’ll take this opportunity to once again say to others in their own journey: don’t try to look for patterns, don’t read into anything. From everything I have seen there is no “stable” or patterned process. That is why the words I have seen over and over applies: what is said today means nothing tomorrow. My W went from staying, to visiting, to going away. And I can honestly in no way tell you whether she will be gone for 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or 2 decades.

Nice part is whichever one she chooses it in no way alters my plans. I am too busy moving, literally!
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Love & Hate
#18: August 14, 2021, 06:31:59 AM
Good luck moving! Sounds like you have found a lovely place.

I think about moving back to my home country but 1) I really love my house here, the weather, my friends and 2) moving internationally is a big pain.

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The “fun” part was initially she wanted to stop here and spend a few days with me.

I just shook my head when I read that..they truly are bizarre.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
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Love & Hate
#19: August 14, 2021, 07:21:33 AM
Quote
what is said today means nothing tomorrow
truer words have never been spoken when it come to MLC. Hard lesson to learn. Feels like it took me forever to grasp this. Trying to find reasoning and rationale in the non-reasonable and non-rational is NOT possible.
Good luck on the move!!
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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