Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story My MLC Wife story -- no kids

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My Story My MLC Wife story -- no kids
OP: July 19, 2021, 09:55:42 AM
I know w had seemed unhappy for quite a while, working from home at the kitchen table every day due to coronavirus. We have a small, 1250 square foot house in the city.

Also she's been drinking wine every night for quite a while-- years actually and it has only escalated in the last year. At least a bottle per night and more on the weekends. She also smokes pot every day and since she's worked from home, that use has escalated due to access. She's 5'11 and weighs 135 pounds.


We don't fight much at all, there is no physical or emotional abuse in the relationship, and so the typical, escalating reasons for a divorce weren't there. W left for Phoenix to stay in an AirBnB to think and work remotely and came back even more resolute about divorce. She's since left several times for days at a time.

The reasons she gave for wanting a divorce were vague: she "loves me but is not in love with me." She "doesn't feel about me the way she should." "I don't love you like a wife should love a husband".

When I finally got out of her specific reasons, they seemed petty. The ever present "I leave my bathroom too messy" and I never showed enough interest in her hiking hobby and "you are on your phone and online too much". All valid but things to work on, not reasons for divorce. She has refused counseling.

She told her friend that she has always done what was expected of her, never things just for her. This is a person who has never denied herself anything. If she wants to break a plan she does it. She's flakey. Maybe she felt internal pressure to become a CPA & thought it was a conservative choice but her family are simple country people and never pressured her. We got married because it made no sense not to! It happened automatically, was barely discussed. It was like "so this is definitely happening!"

Neither of us expected to eventually be married. We were in our late 30s when we tied the knot. To illustrate her "I do what I want" attitude -- once we drank too much wine on Christmas eve and she wanted to skip family Christmas the next day! We are both wild about Christmas and I just said "Are you crazy? No way we are going to do this!". She was angry about having to go and showed her butt the whole time and dank too much wine. This was a mostly out of character move, something she'd do maybe twice a year so I would always excuse stuff like that. It happened but not regularly.

A week later, after another out of town excursion, she had dinner with my best friend's wife, who is her best friend (our lives are quite intertwined. They met due to us. My brother married her other best friend via us). She came home steaming, and really laid into saying she "just married me because it seemed like the thing to do."

She brought up some old dating partner & then said that when I am gone, she will never even think of me, but she will day dream about him. This person is a dating partner who according to her "didn't give a crap about me". An unrequited love situation from almost 12 years ago. They dated about 11 months.

She also later claimed that she was never really, highly attracted to me.

These are accusations with mountains of evidence against them. For one, she was gung ho about marriage. For another, we were the most publicly physical couple almost anyone had seen. Many commented on it and were annoyed by it! She seems to have rewritten the history of the entire relationship now, colored by current "feelings" she's interpreted.

She later days that while sex with me was good in the beginning, it wasn't "to a level I had experienced before".

We have a jar full of wine corks that say things like "best sex day ever". She told me on more than one occasion that I was the best she ever had, spontaneously and on her own accord. I would never ask such things but also a man never forgets having such things said to him either.

She is insistent on divorce. I am pretty devastated! I love my wife, this is quite a shock and I don't even think I believe in divorce!


W has untreated and undiagnosed depression she's been carrying around ever since I've known her. Her mother died when she was 23. She remained away and distant through it to avoid seeing her mother go through it, similar to how she is now "running" here and there to keep from having to face me. This has been going on months and we have had a grand total of 3 conversations about this divorce. She is now moving forward with everything rapid fire like she is trying to break some sort of record.

W is extremely driven and successful as a CPA. I have always been very proud of her. It is insane the amount of bonuses they throw at her -- we've paid off our house.


Yet she still thinks of herself as a failure. She doesn't think she is smart. She thinks I'm the smart one-- I'm a college dropout! This is a person who made all "A's" save for two B's" in ALL of high school and college.



She had a somewhat bad upbringing in a small town. Parents were okay, One of the uncles molested her sister. Her grandfather impregnated his own daughter and a "slow" child was the result of that. She and both of her sisters excelled and got out of that situation. One is a teacher, the other also a CPA. Her father, since mellowed and quite a nice guy now, apparently made her think she was stupid growing up.


She thinks she is going to move to Denver, quit her job after her next bonus and start a new, exciting life in 6 months. She will cut her wine consumption down to a couple of glasses a night for a month, pat herself on the back, read a few self help platitudes, and tell herself that she is working on herself. I know her. She will repeat these same cycles elsewhere with others.


I made excuses for the wine due to her high functionality.

I stopped drinking during the week with her at least 2 years ago. My use was 2-5 beers a night and I was just getting too fat and knew it was bad for me and that I had to stop. I stopped during the week and it carried over to just drinking much less overall even when I do drink. I turned 40 and was just ready to be done with that and to be a good example for her, but I think she took it as me not engaging in one of her hobbies with her!


I get the idea now, knowing her for a while that she is energized by novelty. The new part of our relationship worked for her, the engagement-- also new and exciting. Then the marriage, the first two years were wonderful other than her over drinking. These last two-- my father dies, I get hung up on security and paying things off. She says two years ago is when she first started having these feelings about me. She told me this after I blamed things on Coronavirus.


I feel like she uses novelty like a drug. I joke that she thinks every night should be like a concert. She doesn't know how to cope through boredom.

She can be extremely selfish and is skilled at justifying it. I know depression causes deep reflection and rumination. I'm not sure if it is the cause or the result of her depression.

I suspect MLC because, well in the preceding months she said several times, flippantly "I think I am having MLC" and "Is this all there is?".
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 20, 2021, 05:40:08 AM by OldPilot »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4613
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#1: July 19, 2021, 10:28:46 AM
Hello,

So sorry for the reason that you are here, but it is a great place for support. Your wife's actions show a crisis in her thinking and her actions. One thing that sticks out is her negativity not only towards you- but all other aspects of her life, work, home, and her own views of her accomplishments.

So let's get to the nitty gritty. The first thing you need to do is take care of your finances. MLCers can go through money like water over Niagara Falls. You don't want to be in a position where you are left out as she will only think and consider herself and her needs first. Remember, this is all about her and what she wants-nothing about you.

Disregard the things she says and the majority of her actions. The less you focus on her and the more you focus on you and your recovery, the better you will recover from all the trauma you have endured recently.

Take care of yourself, rest, eat, and light to moderate exercise helps. Anything to get your mind and life off of her cycles and issues. You are not going to talk, rationalize, love, cry or beg her to "get better" or go through the tunnel. This takes a lot of time and is a marathon, not a sprint. So go slow and be about your mental and physical well being.

Keep posting and read as many of the articles that you can regarding MLC on the site.

Best to you and please be good to yourself,

((((Ready))))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#2: July 19, 2021, 11:20:56 AM
Bomb drop was Feb. 19th so this "process" has been going on a while now.

I read a lot of forums, and watched YouTubes, some good, some bad. Some more academic, some from male "attraction experts" who say it is all about lost attraction & everything else is periphery.

Anyway, I started working out. Every day. I've lost 25 pounds, and look and feel good. I have a history of panic/anxiety and depression but I have none of that right now due to learned coping over the years, going through stuff and coming out the other side, and just remaining healthy. I am upset about the divorce but not depressed.

Next Wednesday we go to court to finalize everything. She acted as if she was attempting to break the all time divorce record or something, rushing through this. We signed an MDA agreement in March.

I purposely left out some stuff that I will now add to see if you guys suspected affair without it. Suffice to say, now you will really be beating the affair drum.

W has a male friend we have had dinner with over the years she has known since college who has dated two of her friends. In fact when we were dating, the first time I went to her house he was there with a group of people. They have been friends for 20 years. Never any romantic involvement.

This man, who we will call Roy, is a compulsive liar. Major things or just stupid things. He will tell you he went to McDonalds when he really went to Burger King.

A few years ago he dated a ballerina in town, much younger than he is. He lied about his job, was living in her midtown apartment here in the South (keeping it generic as to avoid personal details) for free, and then moved in w her parents in New York City (they are apparently rich) to attend some chefs school.

Long story short he wasn't attending the school, just living it up in NYC living in a wing of her parents mansion. They eventually found out, and all his lies unraveled. He moved from the South out west out of embarrassment.

He did the exact same thing with someone out west, but he impregnated her. We found a blog she wrote about meeting a "wonderful man" and thought "haha little does she know!". Wife and I always made fun of him and shared news stories about sociopaths who fool women and would say "Oh look it's just like Roy!".

Well you compartmentalize people. W reasons she knows the real him. They have been friends for a long time. So we would still occasionally have dinner with him. I was annoyed by him--she was too but-

Anyway fast forward to early Feb, Roy had move to another state out west after fleeing his latest failed romantic con job (the one I mentioned earlier that resulted in a child).

W was getting beat up by coronavirus quarantine and working from home everyday. I could see it. Our loves were somewhat built around our trips, and those were out for most of the year. In Feb she said she was going to stay at an Air BnB out west were Roy lives to relax and unwind for the weekend and he was going to come by on Saturday and show her these hiking trails in the desert.

I didn't love the idea at all but this guy is a guy she has been friends with for 20 years. I DO have platonic female friends I would never hook up with. It's probably best to just let her do it, I thought.

She comes back Sunday, her flight was delayed 3 times. She seemed weird to me. We went to a neighbors Super Bowl party and she loosened up a bit. I knew she had been depressed anyway so her behavior had an explanation.

The next week we have a snow day and Roy is in town. He does come to down because he has two other daughters in the south. He gets snowed in and stays the night with us which annoys the crap out of me.

At some point in the night W gets wine drunk and it seems like she is trying to get me to go to bed so she can hang out with him! This pisses me off however they are old friends. They next day she says she knows I don't want to sit up and listen to their college talk, I seemed annoyed and that's why she suggested that.

At one point I went to another room and came back and it look like she was leaning over him hugging him. It was quick, I couldn't tell. But it didn't make much sense. If you are having an affair, you hide it. You don't bring your affair partner into your home with your spouse. I always knew my wife as a moral person.

5 days later bomb drop she wants a divorce. The next day we were suppose to talk but she texts and says she has decided to get away to think and we will re convene and discuss when she gets back. Her destination? Out West where Roy lives!

She says it is because she just stayed there, needed somewhere to stay with 12 hours notice, and that same place had an immediate opening.

She comes back even more resolute wanting divorce and then a few days later that's when she brings up some old 12 years prior dating partner and tries to savage our physical lives in comparison to theirs despite all the mountains of evidence -- even physical evidence in the house, to the contrary.

All this seems suspicious in the least BUT Roy is an old friend. He is someone she would hang out with through this. He is a morally compromised person who would be in no position to judge her. She was avoiding family and friends for weeks and months because she didn't want to answer to anyone and was just talking and hanging with Roy and one other female friend.

I do have two female friends who, if this happened I might hang out with regularly and it would look suspicious to others but I would not be hooking up with them.

WELL then a month or so later a black SUV is parked on the street for about a week. A neighbor gets curious about it. I come outside. Another neighbor says "W's Friend parked it there." another says "I saw your W get in an uber with the man who drives this car.

So I try to get in the car w a coat hanger. The plates were of a state W had mentioned moving to at the beginning of the year after she gets her next bonus. I could have tracked the vehicle by the VIN number but there was a card over the VIN spot in the dash. I finally called a locksmith and lo and behold, it was Roy's car.

I text wife that "you two sociopaths' deserve each other". She says I am "crazy". Later says Roy called to see how she was doing through this and she was eating out east and he was going to a city near there too to work & wanted to ride with her as far as he could.

Thing is, he does some kind of job involving internet towers. I know the company. They do have a hub in the city he was headed to.

So there is plausible deniability is all of this. Every step. So it is very difficult to confirm.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 950
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#3: July 19, 2021, 12:34:45 PM
Hi Pendragon,
 
And so sorry you are going through all this. 

Ready pretty much highlighted the essentials.  Make sure you are protected financially, physically and mentally - lot of crazy stuff can happen, and this is a really long process regardless of what happens to your marriage.

I would give you two pieces if 'extra' advice.

One, keep your eyeballs on you and you only.  It will  not just speed up your own recovery, but also makes sure you are not creating any unnecessary trauma by learning things which are no longer none of your business. Of course if you enjoy sticking a fork into your brains and creating additional painful memories then feel free to watch her fall. Affair or not - are you sure you want to discover?

Second ... There will be plenty of healthy and unhealthy negative emotions that you will go through. Dont let the unhealthy ones, like anger or resentment consume you. There is an old proverb that holding resentment (or any unhealthy negative emotion) is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. The path of LBS is not do much about saving marriage (as it involves two persons that are mentally stable and healthy - which of course cannot happen in middle of crisis), but about saving you from falling even further into personal crisis of your own.

Alvin.
  • Logged
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 512
  • Gender: Female
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#4: July 19, 2021, 02:56:25 PM
Pendragon- my X asked for a divorce in November. Totaly blindsided me. I filed and did the divorce in 30 days and it was finalized feb 10. I did it quick because he agreed to my terms. One thing I knew for sure was  1. He was not thinking straight 2. Can’t make someone stay who doesn’t want to 3. Although he denied I knew their was an OW ( he was way to anxious to get it done)

Protect yourself financially. You have no idea where his head is at. There is no reasoning and no rationalization. It is a huge brain fog for them and you. I agree with everyone you just focus on you and what you need to move forward. Maybe he will come out of this and maybe he wont. You win either way when you focus on you.

Take walks to clear your head and read !!!! The more you learn the more you understand.
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

m
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 817
  • Gender: Male
Re: My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#5: July 20, 2021, 12:40:13 AM
Hi Pendragon,

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. FWIW your story is very familiar and unfortunately many here can share and understand what you are going through/ I can tell you a lot of what you wrote played out with my wife with minor variances. The most amazing thing is no matter where they start once this fracture hits so many of their patterns are the same.

You are already getting great advice from Ready and Alvin. Maybe right now you are still looking mostly to understand and for hope to try to “fix” this. We all have been there. But they are both very right. As counter intuitive as it may seem put the focus on you, protect your finances (more on this later), try to accept that your wife is in a place where she can not be reached. People sometimes say ‘she is on her own journey,’ to me its more like she is experiencing a significant psychological event and she has completely detached from you (and most likely others). Sounds like she has done what most do and has found an object to put all her attention on and has placed her ideas of a perfect new life there. Nothing you say or do will alter this, as hard as it may be to accept. You can read all the stories of people who have tried and failed.

One thing that was important for me and may help you. DO NOT allow her rewriting of all history to alter your memory and what you know to be true. It is a form of gaslighting how they rewrite history and sounds SO convincing. My wife went from I love you to “I love you but am not in love with you” to “I never loved you” which seems to be a very common path. There are many studies that show a depressed mind can only remember negative emotions and will suppress positive ones. That alone may explain how as they sink into depression they lose access to all the good things and in doing so slowly reframe their entire lives (and relationships) to the bad parts. Which probably explains why we here so many small negative daily details of a relationship used as “proof” how they were miserable.

Like most of us you will understand more and more over time, hopefully find your footing, and detach and put the focus on you. But for now do what you need to take care of you, vent, share. But protect yourself and keep turning the focus away from her and onto you. Its a tough thing to accept, but there is no longer an “us,” only you and her, and your interests are now highly diverged.

Hang in there. It will get better.
  • Logged
No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11383
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#6: July 20, 2021, 04:42:03 AM
Hi Pendragon (I was going to say Arthur but the reference might be lost),

Welcome to the party that no one EVER wanted an invitation to....

In addition to what Ready, Alvin and Marvin have already pointed out about getting your finances locked down, you are likely going to be confronted with the fact that your STBXW had an affair. The evidence is there for the most part except catching them in flagranti but the fact remains that STBXW and "Roy" have some sort of thing, be it Emotional (EA) or PA (Physical) lurking about in the shadows. If it isn't "Roy" it is likely someone else... but the AD (Affair Down) is a symptom of her crisis. It is a bandaid to cover over the well of darkness that she can't fill herself because she has never learned how..... so she fills it with external validation... which works,.. for a while... until it doesn't anymore...

I am assuming that, if you have already signed the MSA and the D is coming, you have already gotten legal advice so I assume also that your financial situation has been managed. just as long as whatever STBXW chooses to do now does not come back to haunt you later in terms of debt or other issues. She wants the single life, fine. She can have it with ALL that it entails, car insurance, health insurance, rent/mortgage, the whole thing. You have been fired form the position of spouse and partner so, from here on out, it's just business.

There is NOTHING you can do to change the course of her crisis - NOTHING!  You have a better chance of running out in front of a tornado, stand there, wave your arms at it and scream at it to go somewhere else and actually having that happen. Like Marvin said, her revisionist history is NOT your history. Cherish the good parts that were real, make peace with the bad parts that were just as real.  It is not a zero-sum game where one wins and one looses, depending on who's history you choose to believe. It is YOUR life and YOUR history, not hers, and especially while she is in Bat-Snot-Crazy revisionist mode.....

There are a couple of links in my tagline for "Newbies" that lead to other resources here that you might find helpful as you detach your emotions from her rollercoaster and start to get back on your feet.

UM
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 20, 2021, 04:43:53 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 13291
  • Gender: Male
Re: My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#7: July 20, 2021, 05:41:45 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
  • Logged

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#8: July 20, 2021, 08:50:22 AM
Thanks everyone. I did post this on another board about a month or so ago and I have been reading about MLC since March so I do know some of this but keep posting as if I am new just in case. Knowledge is power.

Of course from March to about June I was "all in" on trying to save the relationship and attempting to "save my wife from herself".

The divorce was made official on June 30th.

When she finally brought up reasons for wanting a divorce I was also "all in" about fixing them and took responsibility. It was like, I had so much respect for her as a person, I took what she said seriously. Turns out, her complaints were legitimate, sure -- in the sense that no relationship or no human person is without flaws. It took me a while to realize that the issues WEREN'T "the issue" if you get my drift. Ultimately, they were petty in terms of reasons for divorce. At the time I still thought I was dealing with a rational human being.

THE issue is MLC and possible (probable?) affair? It is so frustrating in knowing so much more  about what is happening with my ex wife than she knows, wanting to reach out and help. Seeing the train wreck-- KNOWING beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she WILL hit a rock bottom that will put all this to shame-- yet still being unable to do anything. It's similar to attempting to help an addict but worse I think. I actually think an addict is easier to reach.

The wholesale transformation of personality is a site to behold. If my wife is having an affair, she is just simply BALD FACED lying to me and all her friends and I sort of think that is what is going on.

She is trying to reach each friend and "control the narrative" with them and is angry that, when I have talked with people I have told them the 100% truth. Even about things my wife has said about herself.

She herself claims she has an alcohol problem and needs therapy so she pays lip service to that stuff but when I tell others I am concerned about her alcohol and that she needs treatment for her long standing depression issues she gets angry and yells "stop telling people I am a crazy alcoholic!".

It certainly does help a bit that the guy is a loser and a cheap conman. It lends evidence to her mental state that she be involved with him at all.

In fact, even if there is no affair, and there is still some real, legitimate plausible deniability here, the fact that he is the company she is keeping at this point has to be because he's so morally compromised himself, he makes for a good buddy during this. He can't and won't judge her.

I don't even have the sort of pang one might expect out of this. If she was messing around with some tall, dark, handsome go-getter, professional type with charisma I might feel inadequate, but this guy is a clown. It's more like "okay, if that's what you want, you do you."

From the perspective of a feminist, which she claims to be, it's interesting she is spending time with someone who has not just lied to woman, but proactively and maliciously misrepresented himself to them and damaged them as a result. He literally twice was forced to move across the country in embarrassment when his lies were discovered in each relationship.


  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4613
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#9: July 20, 2021, 12:40:46 PM
Hello,

Quote
The wholesale transformation of personality is a site to behold.

Instead of thinking of transformation, think of disintegration of identity. The desire to try not just one mask, but many. When you add to the mix alcohol and other drugs, the loss of self becomes more pronounced.

Quote
The divorce was made official on June 30th.

I am so sorry to hear that. Divorce is a traumatic event and I hope you take the time to heal and recover. Regardless of your outcome, there is a lot of emotions, feelings, and memories to sort out and process. It is going to take some time and take this time to work on you.

Quote
I actually think an addict is easier to reach.

You may be right. Most addicts do acknowledge that they are addicted, they just state they can't stop. Your MLCer comes from a mindset that everything feels right so it must be so.

Quote
She is trying to reach each friend and "control the narrative" with them and is angry that, when I have talked with people I have told them the 100% truth. Even about things my wife has said about herself.

So true with my own situation. Of course her explanations were off the wall and my friends asked me for clarification. Then she would get upset that I spoke to them. Of course she could tell them anything she wanted.

As far as the OM goes, you hit the nail on the head that with him, there are no judgments. She can drink and do drugs without any guilt. The other aspect is that as a scammer, he knows his victim and tells her what she wants to hear. Probably together paint a picture of you as the ultimate "bad" guy.

Just remember whether the relationship last one day or ten years, the length of the relationship doesn't make it a healthy one.

So let them do their thing or whatever and you continue to work out, get healthy, and live for you. Now, you stated that you were all in to save the marriage from March till June. Now that the divorce is final, are you still all in?

Even if you are done, almost done, somewhat standing, or standing strong; we are here to support your journey to becoming whole and complete. I used to think that only reconciliation was a success and I was so wrong. Read the threads and you will find that there are many success stories as we recovered and reclaimed ourselves. That we focused on understanding our own flaws and weaknesses and how to address them. We found bliss within our own souls and moved forward. So many stories to read of people suffering tremendous pain and loss, yet they find a way (some very creative) to make it happen and complete their journey.

Feel free to vent, post the highs and the lows of your journey, and just know that this is your story- your truth to be shared.

Have a fantastic day,

((((Ready))))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.