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Author Topic: My Story My MLC Wife story -- no kids

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My Story My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#10: July 20, 2021, 01:56:02 PM
Following along. I have nothing additional in terms of wisdom, but what resonates with me in the excellent advice you have gotten so far is that it’s not a transformation, but rather a disintegration of identity. Transformation is often what we do in response (albeit sometimes after a period of disintegration) - it’s constructive, productive, based on growth and learning and healing. In crisis, their identity disintegrates and they become destructive, trying on different identities and letting themselves be guided by their emotions, which are inherently somewhat volatile and subject to change, but even more so in an identity crisis. And the more they destroy, the more uncertainty and pain and shame surrounds them, and the more they feel the urge to run further and try on a new mask. Where they find solace or excitement or external validation, they settle in for a while, but the fractures at the heart of it all remain. It’s fueled by depression… well, in many ways it IS depression, but it’s even deeper than that, I think.

I wish you strength and peace and healing as you move forward from this. In some ways, it might be the hardest thing you have to work through, but there is great potential for growth and strengthening during this time.
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My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#11: July 20, 2021, 09:58:15 PM
I got vaccinated in April, not sure if she did. She's stayed away from the home 90+% of the time through this since Feb.

She took her nephew on a graduation trip several weeks ago, and asked if I could remain away Sunday & Monday so they could spend time together, and of course I said I would.

Tuesday I came to the house at lunch, and noticed she was not working that day at her desk, and she was in "Street clothes", so I surmised that she took some extra vacation time after the trip. She won't usually speak to me so I have to deduce things. I decided to give her the rest of the week alone at the house. So I stayed at Mom's.

The MDA agreement we signed said we would cohabitate through this. I had been trying to come up with a way to open in-person dialogue when we are both home together, which is the only way I feel any progress can be made.

She wants to come home from her frequent hiatuses and have me stay away for weeks at a time. She wants to call all the shots. I told her I would work with her here and there but I am not staying away for weeks from our home. At this point I have been abandoned, emotionally abused, and now she wants to tell me where to live and stay, even disregarding the MDA agreement her lawyer typed up.

I came home Friday night, and went to bed in the guest bedroom where I've been sleeping through this. She texted me something to the effect of "how long is it going to take for you to move out. Do I need to give you your money early to get you out of here?".

I thought "Gosh. This is so silly. I have spent every day for 7 years with this person and now she is texting me from another room in our small house?"

So I decided to go to her bedroom door, and I opened it and said "Let's talk".

All hell broke loose. She jumped out of be and immediately started screaming and pushing me. I put my hands to my side robotically & said "I am not touching you. I am not touching you", and just kept backing up. She slammed the door and the smoke alarm fell down from the ceiling. She threatened to call the police & I said that's fine by me. I hadn't done anything.

The most heart breaking thing was seeing her attempt to concoct a story that I pushed her and that I threw something at her. I could see the moral confliction on her face as she tried to rationalize it. She called the police, they showed up, and I told them exactly what happened.

She was made to leave the house.
.
So at this point she's left me to hang out with a con man, tried to savage me and our physically life (despite clear evidence to the contrary) by bringing up some bald dentist from 12 years ago, and finally, she's called the cops on me.

Formally, this was a rational, loving person. It's wild!
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#12: July 21, 2021, 12:05:21 AM
I had been trying to come up with a way to open in-person dialogue when we are both home together, which is the only way I feel any progress can be made.

Progress on what? And how? At least I cannot see the dots, so please open up bit more on this ...


So I decided to go to her bedroom door, and I opened it and said "Let's talk".

Did you knock?  Seriously.... Pretty much everything you have learned about regular manners, contact etc during relationship do not apply anymore.

But you did well by setting a boundary. It's your home too....  It's hard to leave emotional side apart on things like living in your own home, but try to focus on what is really necessary for practical life/living to improve.  For example I did 'ask' XW to move her stuff (mountains of clothing) out of our master bedroom and turned it into 'man cave/ oasis of my own healing' while we tried to 'co-exist'.  Small thing, big effect.


Formally, this was a rational, loving person. It's wild!

I never thought my XW of 20yrs would physically violate me in front of our kids. But so she did.... Like you wrote, it's Wild.

Keep eyeballs on you and how you can improve your life,and you will do well. 

Take care,
Alvin
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« Last Edit: July 21, 2021, 01:46:26 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#13: July 21, 2021, 02:33:27 AM
First and foremost, you are no longer dealing with your "wife." You are dealing with a Body Snatcher, a Bug in an Edgar Suit, who has NO qualms about trying to hurt you any which way she can, which you just witnessed.

You have the MDA which is a legally binding document. What is in there about selling the house or her buying you out? THAT is all that matters at this point. She does NOT get to call the shots here, as much as she would like to do so...

But, for the record, YOU need to make sure that your rear end is covered. If she is going to the police and making up stories, you need to make sure your side is as water tight as a ducks rear end in order to not end up on the wrong side of the law. Go back through Watcher's old threads for a good example on how the Bat-Snot-Crazy can get WAY out of hand...

Depending on how your MDA is written and her continuing actions, you may need to consider getting a restraining order or something to make sure that you and your part of the financial assets are protected, especially if she is going off on drug/alcohol-fuled rampages...

And trying to engage her is about as useful as standing outside in front of an oncoming tornado, waving your arms and screaming at it in hopes that it will just magically go away. In her view, you, as the LBS, are 1st cousin to Satan and the source of all the problems she has ever had in her entire life....
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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#14: July 22, 2021, 12:21:33 PM
Quote
Did you knock?  Seriously.... Pretty much everything you have learned about regular manners, contact etc during relationship do not apply anymore.

Yeah, I did. In retrospect I probably should have texted her "meet me in the living room so that we can discuss this." but even as is, I did nothing wrong. The police could tell who the rational one was. The smoke alarm detector she claimed I threw it here was still in the exact footprint of where it fell, straight down from the ceiling after she slammed the door. 


Quote
I never thought my XW of 20yrs would physically violate me in front of our kids. But so she did.... Like you wrote, it's Wild.


Thanks man. This is really difficult to wrap my mind around.

the last thing she texted me was "If I ever was conflicted about this, your behaviour during this cemented this for me!"

Guys I got to tell you. My Behavior? She abandoned me, emotionally abused me, probably had an affair on me including bringing her affair partner in our home, in my face -- she called the police on me in an attempt to frame me.

My behaviour? I guess I did sound angry and bewildered in a lot of my texts!
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« Last Edit: July 22, 2021, 12:26:16 PM by Pendragon »

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#15: July 22, 2021, 03:26:15 PM
Read up on Projection. I never knew anything about it until I met XH's mother (she would say someone else had an issue with something, when she was the one with the issue or try to convince the kids that they were upset about something when she was upset about something. It was shocking to me.), so when XH started it, I could see it for what it was.

You handled that well, but do be careful. That could just as easily gone the other way depending on who answers the complaint. At least you now have that one documented that she was the one who needed to leave. That is a plus.
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#16: July 22, 2021, 10:25:18 PM
My behaviour? I guess I did sound angry and bewildered in a lot of my texts!

Please do remember that what each and everyone of us perceives is just a reflection of our inner world.

In psychology there is a story/test of three guys walking on dark alley.  Suddenly a dog appears out of dark.  One guy is terrified by the beast, another sees a cute little puppy, third does not care a damn.... Same event, different realities.

All in all written communication is most risky/subject to distortions as all you see/hear is your inner narrator voice reading the messages. If your inner narrator is broken, then things get twisted and malicious.

Possibly more important than what your W did/does is how do you feel within now.  If you close your eyes for minute or two, and listen to your thoughts for a while, how do you perceive it?  Is there a thundering storm of thoughts, serene peace, void of silence, or something else.... And is it how you would like to feel?  The funny side of perceived reality is that we can always alter it by modifying our own thoughts (but often times, especially with mental health conditions, our concious part is not aware of whats happening unless you intervene yourself mindfully).

Take care of yourself,
Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 22, 2021, 10:27:22 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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#17: July 23, 2021, 08:54:47 AM
My behaviour? I guess I did sound angry and bewildered in a lot of my texts!

Please do remember that what each and everyone of us perceives is just a reflection of our inner world.

In psychology there is a story/test of three guys walking on dark alley.  Suddenly a dog appears out of dark.  One guy is terrified by the beast, another sees a cute little puppy, third does not care a damn.... Same event, different realities.

All in all written communication is most risky/subject to distortions as all you see/hear is your inner narrator voice reading the messages. If your inner narrator is broken, then things get twisted and malicious.

Possibly more important than what your W did/does is how do you feel within now.  If you close your eyes for minute or two, and listen to your thoughts for a while, how do you perceive it?  Is there a thundering storm of thoughts, serene peace, void of silence, or something else.... And is it how you would like to feel?  The funny side of perceived reality is that we can always alter it by modifying our own thoughts (but often times, especially with mental health conditions, our concious part is not aware of whats happening unless you intervene yourself mindfully).

Take care of yourself,
Alvin.

A lot of my communication is simply me just parroting back to her things that she said to me, pointing out the logical inconsistencies & stark implications of the wild, often hateful & hurtful things she is saying.

But some of it is me directly quoting her-- and I guess when she reads it she gets to see how wild, crazy, sometimes hateful and occasionally EVIL all of it is.

So if she hates reading the things she's said, that should be telling to her

But she seems to be almost in a childlike state. Nothing matters except that what I am saying or to writing her makes her feel bad. Doesn't matter if it is true, or logical-- it's like "I do not like reading thing I will no longer respond to this you are being wild and crazy."

It's like a murderer at the witness stand: The prosecutor says "So then you slowly slid the sword into the victim's throat" and the murderer says "Look, you saying what I did makes me feel bad so STOP please!"  :o :o :o :o

I totally resonate with the rest of what you said. I am employing skills from stoicism, mindfulness/Buddhism, CBT therapy and Jesus-Centric Christian teachings to try to get through all of this.
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« Last Edit: July 23, 2021, 08:58:02 AM by Pendragon »

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My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#18: July 23, 2021, 09:05:01 AM
Hey Pendragon  :)

Reading thru your thread..... oh boy, yup we all know what this is like (terrible).

So Feb 19th was BD? Then she's probably still in the descent phase. Not much of anything you can do during this time except to remove yourself as a target and the scapegoat. I'm sure you are already getting the hang of this (and it's not easy). She will gobble up all the time and space you can provide and I would apply it liberally.  :D

Quick question: During this time they are often spoiling for a fight. Is she seeking you out for conflict? Or just lashing out if/when you approach?

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#19: July 23, 2021, 01:12:25 PM
Hey Pendragon  :)

Reading thru your thread..... oh boy, yup we all know what this is like (terrible).

So Feb 19th was BD? Then she's probably still in the descent phase. Not much of anything you can do during this time except to remove yourself as a target and the scapegoat. I'm sure you are already getting the hang of this (and it's not easy). She will gobble up all the time and space you can provide and I would apply it liberally.  :D

Quick question: During this time they are often spoiling for a fight. Is she seeking you out for conflict? Or just lashing out if/when you approach?

-SS

She was mostly just staying away and not wanting to communicate at all. But when she does and I reach out it went from "I am sorry, I don't deserve your kindness" to "This is half your fault, it takes two to get here, you should have known (read my mind) I wasn't happy. You did X back in 2015."

The "X" she keeps harping on is this. She went to a gym and asked if I would be interested in going. I said "No thanks. I do need to get more exercise but I like to exercise on my own. I am sorry I just don't want to go to your gym."

A week or so later she's like "I got you a present!" it was free personal training passes to her gym for so many sessions.

I was like "So you asked me if I wanted to attend your gym, I said I explicitly did not, and now you've purchased me free passes so I have to attend?"

It didn't start a big fight-- we really never fought much, but I think she had her feelings hurt. To me, it was pretty cut and dried. Seemed messed up to try to force someone to attend your gym after they said they don't want to!

Well she brought this up as a major point of contention during the divorce.
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