Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story My MLC Wife story -- no kids

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1443
  • Gender: Male
My Story My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#20: July 23, 2021, 02:51:34 PM
Hi Pendragon,

Ah that makes sense.

Very quick divorce. I'm sorry.

Just a quick thought.... it is very normal for them to go thru stages of doubt..... heck, even stages where they try (briefly) to reverse. They are at war with themselves (and they lose in the beginning).

I know this is VERY early, but what is your objective? Do you have hope that it can be healed later, or have you had enough (or just not sure one way or the other?). I ask because what happens here (present), has an effect there (later).
It's totally understandable to not want to go to the gym with her now that you are divorced. Oh yeah..... doesn't makes sense at all for a rational person right? Except she isn't rational. Why would she do this? Impossible to know...... but she could be trying to say sorry in a strange way. Could be wanting to take another look. Could be trying to justify, something. The point is, depending on what you want, there are different way of approaching and looking at things...... acts of kindness in the beginning are often manipulative and self-serving but opportunities to display that you aren't the character they create in their mind does need to be dispelled if possible. This often creates conflict, but if you can get thru that, it creates doubt for them (and they are rife with doubt). Anyway, it just comes down to what you want at this point. The only person who can hold it together here is you (if you want), it only takes one to hold.
On the affair...... some can hide it, and most (if not close to all) lie about it. I had the same issue and problem, at first. It's such an easy thing to fixate on, and damaging. I would suggest that here, in the beginning....... it's best not to know. At the same time, it's also best to assume that it has happened or is happening. That way you are prepared to some extent (there is no total preparation) and at the same time you are not tormented with as many details as you would think about otherwise. If it turns out one day that there wasn't as affair..... that will just be a pleasant surprise.

I soooo feel for ya. I remember those days vividly. The good news is that one day, all of this will pass, one way or another. It doesn't last forever, and you have a wonderful opportunity for growth, maturing, strength and wisdom that "normal" people will never know....... if it's not squandered. You found a great place full of amazing people with so much compassion and experience. 

Journal, journal, journal.....

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#21: July 23, 2021, 02:59:29 PM
No no the gym thing was from 2015.

She brought up that situation as a reason for divorce recently and relayed the anecdote to all her friends.
  • Logged

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#22: July 26, 2021, 11:21:38 AM
Is there a scientific/rational explanation as to why MLCers have the "shark eyes" thing?

So totally weird. I noticed it on my own, clearly, then later while reading about MLC it came up again and again.

You don't as an LBS want to do the thing that horoscope readers do which is a sort of conformation bias-- calculating the hits and ignoring the misses when it comes to MLC evidence, but the shark eyes thing sort of sealed it for me.
  • Logged

m
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 823
  • Gender: Male
Re: My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#23: July 26, 2021, 11:28:54 AM
It is most likely an indication of strong disassociation. Usually this is from very strong internal pain or confusion and it’s a protective mechanism. Another indication is complete lack of empathy or registering of other people’s emotions, a form of situational narcissism.
  • Logged
No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#24: July 27, 2021, 09:17:54 AM
I am not sure if I mentioned this prior as I copied my first two posts from another forum.

After the first couple of weeks of my wife's abandonment she came home for a discussion after having dinner with her best friend to discuss with her that she planned to divorce me. This is her best friend who married my best friend. Also my brother married one of her other best friend's so our friend groups are tightly knit.

She comes home, and that is when she tells me that being physical with me "makes me want to gag".

Then she mentions some old dating partner by name. "James". I didn't even know who this guy was. She says that she was more attracted to him and that yes sex with me was good but not on that level.

Now first off, we are sitting there and we have a mason jar full of dated wine corks that say things like "best sex day ever" with the date on them. Also I remember specific incidences when she told me, with no prompting from me (I would never ask such a thing), that sex with me is the best she ever had in the most spontaneous & seemingly genuine way.

So we literally have physical evidence against what she is saying IN the house right beside us as she savaged our physical life.

Never, ever was this a question before. And listen I am a fairly mature man. My sex is my sex. I don't ask them or insist on them telling me that I am "the best" or this or that. You do the best you know how and communicate with your partner, and that's it. It is not something I stay up at night worried about.

But when I say she was enthusiastic and proactive that I was the greatest and blah blah-- I can only tell you guys what she said on multiple occasions unprompted. Maybe she was just being nice but it sure seemed genuine.

I guess now the wholesale excuse for everything in our relationship is "I was faking" happiness. For 7 years. I GUESS it's possible but if so then she has some sort of weird personality disorder I didn't know about.

This is a person who was never before shallow. She was always modest about sex and didn't talk too much about it except to tell me that I am the greatest. Sex was important to her but it was pretty down the list. I was the one w the higher drive and of course like MOST relationships the frequency went down to like once a week in years 5 and 6 of the relationship.

So I find out this man she is bragging on -- first off the sex crap isn't even the most hurtful thing she said. She looked at me and said that she would think of this man and wonder how he is doing, but when I am gone she won't even think of me.

Imagine-- my wife and I hardly ever fought. It was a very loving, kind relationship. We treaded lightly on each other's feelings. Here she is telling me my value to her is ZERO.

Then I find out this man was someone she dated, over TEN years ago. A dentist. And not that this matters but-- objectively less attractive than me-- I had imagined some tall, handsome bad ass. No. Just a regular guy.--Bald--horseshoe headed. He looks like the villain in Billy Madison. But the big thing is he broke it off with her. In her words "He didn't give a "*****" about me. 

So it was almost like she is attempting to make me feel the pain of that breakup from years ago and how it made her feel. And it wasn't even one of her major, long tenured relationships. They dated for 11 months, that was it. Also it seems to me, and I do not know for sure-- but it sure SEEMS like the major issue here is that she was rejected. She didn't get to control the narrative and the course of the relationship. I doubt that she would have even have thought of him in the same way if she had been the one to break it off a year later. But she lost this one so it sticks in her craw.

Later she kept saying I should have known this (divorce) was coming. "We weren't being intimate as much anymore."

Virtually every long tenured couple I know deals with a lessening in the frequency of sex, and not just the ones with kids. Always seems par for the course and it was still once a week-- I know some couples who have gone months and years. So it wasn't some huge red flag. Plus she was stressed.

Anyway, this brought up old wounds for me. Old insecurities that I thought I was over for 20 years but what she is saying just doesn't check out.

I also think that her bringing up this old dating partner is a red herring and maybe has to do with her current possible affair partner.

But when she is saying all this, it was so out of left field-- I didn't even get angry. I was stoic. She might as well have said she was a 18 foot tall oak tree. She has to know this crap doesn't check out right? She knows I was there, right? She knows we have tokens of our sex life, that SHE proactively made, all over the house right? And like I said I am not even super hung up on having to be the #1 greatest sex guy ever-- It's more an issue on her reversing course and saying crap that contradicts long held narratives. The rewriting.

So later she texts me and doubles down. She was "never really that attracted to me". I seemed like a great guy and I thought she was great and smart and awesome and she did not feel this way about herself. And my family was great to her.

Again-- I have old emails indicating very high level of attraction. I was there. We were stuck to each other-- a big time PDA couple. Other people noticed and commented. One of her best friend, for YEARS would comment on our physical closeness, telling us she had never seen anything like it as far as how we were with each other. She'd say it pretty much ever time we saw her over the years, which was often.

But to hear her tell it now

-she was never highly attracted to me
-sex was just okay
-I am boring
-Never had a lot in common

It's like, okay those seem like reasons to break up after a couple of months of dating

But she dated me for years, then married me and was enthusiastic throughout. 

Does she actually believe all this crap?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 27, 2021, 09:29:21 AM by Pendragon »

b
  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 21
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#25: July 27, 2021, 09:37:00 AM
no, i don't think so. i think they want to believe it...grasping at things to alleviate their guilt.. searching for some kind of justification.. but, that doesn't make it true..
  • Logged

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 726
  • Gender: Female
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#26: July 27, 2021, 10:10:45 AM
Though I’m not completely sure it matters whether they actually believe this hurtful stuff they spew, I think that on some level, they actually do. If they are in some sort of an affair, whether emotional or physical, and they are in limerence, their brains under the influence of these “found my soulmate” hormones actually do rewrite history. As I have read it, some of them when they come out of limerence are in disbelief that they ever said such hurtful things to their spouses.

My spouse was in a limerent emotional affair that didn’t last long. She told me later that it didn’t work out and that they couldn’t even be friends because her affair partner was “too borderline.” It’s gotten me thinking a lot about personality disorders in MLCers. I know there have been discussions here about borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, in particular, in MLCers and often in their affair partners. I’m not sure how often it’s true, but certainly some of those traits seem to be present - certainly in crisis, and maybe to some extent when I think back on my pre-MLC spouse. Certainly not to the extent that I would make that diagnosis even if I were qualified to do so, but there are elements that strike me as just… not quite the capacity for healthy interdependent attachment that we should all be aiming for. As to whether it was always there - probably in some of them it was, or a version of it was there and it was worsened by some event or series of events. For some of them, they will recover and truly achieve healing, as we have seen in some reconciliation stories. For some, they will get better but still have some shortcomings in how they relate to a spouse or partner - and sometimes it’s something that can be worked through but sometimes the LBS is no longer willing to settle for this fragile attachment to a fragile person.

I’m not sure any of that is helpful - it’s a result of my endless rumination as a non-expert, just someone who is muddling through all of this in the best way I can. But just know you’re not alone in these thoughts and concerns.
  • Logged

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#27: July 27, 2021, 01:20:34 PM
It’s gotten me thinking a lot about personality disorders in MLCers. I know there have been discussions here about borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, in particular, in MLCers and often in their affair partners. I’m not sure how often it’s true, but certainly some of those traits seem to be present - certainly in crisis, and maybe to some extent when I think back on my pre-MLC spouse. Certainly not to the extent that I would make that diagnosis even if I were qualified to do so, but there are elements that strike me as just… not quite the capacity for healthy interdependent attachment that we should all be aiming for. As to whether it was always there - probably in some of them it was, or a version of it was there and it was worsened by some event or series of events. For some of them, they will recover and truly achieve healing, as we have seen in some reconciliation stories. For some, they will get better but still have some shortcomings in how they relate to a spouse or partner - and sometimes it’s something that can be worked through but sometimes the LBS is no longer willing to settle for this fragile attachment to a fragile person.

I’m not sure any of that is helpful - it’s a result of my endless rumination as a non-expert, just someone who is muddling through all of this in the best way I can. But just know you’re not alone in these thoughts and concerns.

I have the exact same thoughts and I struggle with them. What I DON'T want to do is fall in the same trap of "rewriting history" as they do, and repaint swaths of our time together through cherry picked post hoc evidence.

Still there does seem to be enough there where by a pattern can be established, when I look back.

I think that probably, most of our spouses do test on the spectrum for certain personality disorders that they likely were able to keep at bay. "Mild" cases, if you will-- but it is a combination of depression/mood disorders & an accumulation of unresolved issues and traumas, and certain specific signifying events at mid life that completely unlock that aspect of them. They "break" and go "all in" so to speak.

I just keep thinking about how my wife told her friend how she did everything for herself for so long, she was tired of "always doing what is expected of me".

At first, I could empathize with this. I do love my wife and respect her views-- or I DID! But then I REALLY thought about it. WHAT exactly was it that she did only because she was expected to? Becoming a CPA--MAYBE.

Marrying me? Absolutely not. Neither of us had been married nor did we think we ever would be. It was mutually, and enthusiastically decided that we were "each other's person" and that it made no sense NOT to get married. It was all just very natural and easy.

This person smoked pot anytime she pleased. She also got drunk any day of the week she wanted to. She went on any trip she wanted to go on, with or without me. I didn't put much if any limits on her.

So, her saying that, to me I have started to interpret it as meaning that the pressure of being a responsible, and more importantly MORAL adult with obligations towards other people is too much for her to handle. She has given in to the side of her who owes NOTHING to other persons-- only to herself.

This may sound silly but it really is a Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader situation. She's gone ALL IN towards the "dark side" with it's morally relativistic justifications and flimsy rationalizations and for the first few months I was left saying "There is still good in you! I know it's in there somewhere!".

Now I'm left to simply accept that she IS Darth Vader only with blonde hair flopping out of her helmet.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 27, 2021, 01:28:03 PM by Pendragon »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4371
  • Gender: Female
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#28: July 27, 2021, 02:37:58 PM
So, my take on it is this. I have experienced and read the "I haven't loved you for a YEAR....5 years....10 years....longer than I have actually known you years....forEVER!!!'" Changes from day to day, week to week month to month. They rewrite this to justify their actions. They say these things to MAKE  you hate them so YOU  will leave and they can be the aggrieved party (See how bad you were, you left).  It's all smoke and mirrors for them. The only way they can justify what they do.

As to her doing what was expected of her, are you telling me she grew up in a family who expected nothing of her? (unusual, but possible). If so, she then might never have had expectations of herself. Rudderless, going along until she ran into something that seemed like it might be ok. That is also a recipe for disaster.

We all have baggage. Some of us have lightweight backpacks, some cumbersome duffle bags, some huge steamer trunks. Sometimes a same small issue is carried by each person differently, like something small enough for a backpack is carried around in a steamer trunk. If someone insults me, I reflect on it, if its not valid then i toss it and don't carry it. Someone else would latch onto that insult like it's the gospel and add it to their steamer trunk. You cannot really know what is in your Ws baggage unless she has told you everything that has ever happened in her life (nope, she didn't --I can nearly guarantee that).

Does she believe what she is saying? Maybe. Right now, because it is convenient. It doesn't matter what she believes. What matters is what YOU believe. I had 23 mostly good years. My XH  does not get to take those away from me with his random memory glitches. Those are MINE I experienced them, they were GOOD. If he was having a crappy time and forgot to mention it to me, that's his issue.

You didn't break her, no matter what she says. You cannot fix her, or convince her that her rewrites are bogus. You only get to control you.

It's beyond frustrating when they say things that are patently untrue. Live your life so that whomever you know that they tell the lies to will not believe them, know that your good memories are real. You aren't insane.

The above is MOO. Your mileage may vary.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 27, 2021, 02:42:12 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

P
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 37
  • Gender: Male
My MLC Wife story -- no kids
#29: July 27, 2021, 02:49:37 PM
So, my take on it is this. I have experienced and read the "I haven't loved you for a YEAR....5 years....10 years....longer than I have actually known you years....forEVER!!!'"

This is so funny. I said the same thing.

When she said she had been having these feelings for the past year I mentioned Coronavirus and how literally no one has been happy for the past year.

Then she says, "well it has been going on for TWO years."

That's when she brought up this Joshua Tree trip from a couple of years ago-- I could go into detail but she absolutely showed her BUTT. My BFF and her BFF agreed. Hell SHE agreed shortly thereafter and I chalked it up to a bad weekend. Now she is saying she "was googling divorce back in Joshua Tree".

THEN she started talking about how she only married me for -- she really couldn't say-- she could only express how little I ACUALLY did it for her. You know, people often go around just marrying and faking good times with people they really don't like all that much nor are they attracted to.

It's weirdly more of an indictment and insult to themselves if true, more so than to us. It's like they are saying they are vapid idiots who spend vast amounts of intimate time with partners they *actually never liked all that much. 

So I then said the same thing you expressed. "OH TELL ME MORE! Was it 2 years or 4 YEARS or 6 years that you've hated me?! Did you dislike me before we even met! How about before your birth? Was it a previous lifetime in another corporeal form in which you realized I was explicitly NOT the one for you?"   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Good God the $h!te they say is so unfathomably stupid.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 27, 2021, 02:56:16 PM by Pendragon »

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.