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Author Topic: My Story Love and Insanity continues

T
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My Story Love and Insanity continues
#10: July 31, 2021, 06:00:53 AM
Thank you all! I didn’t look at it as rewriting my history. I know there were decades of good times, but I do think I had him in a place of being TO GOOD TO BE TRUE. I think his calm demeanor and non avoidant personality in some ways made me think any issues were most likely me over reacting or due to my high energy (not so calm )personality.

Upon reflection a lot of my unease in the relationship was his inability to communicate and his ever avoidant personality. That only became a true issue once there was the depression and MLC.

I also agree that it is so early. My mind like a whirlwind still. I am just now beginning to realize I can’t  fix ANYTHING or make sense of ANYTHING. I have to let go and let him carry on. I cant make another person want to stay or fix or deal with ANYTHING!!!

The entire 8 months has been me trying to move on and also doing everything to sabotage my moving on. Fear once I move on that is the end of a story I truly believe was not to end. The death of our daughter being the catalyst for also the death of my marriage.

I truly understand now that I have to carry on and let go and what is meant to be from here on is meant to be. The hardest part of this journey FOR ME is I wanted a continued life with my family and even if I move on and meet someone else and am truly happy it will also feel like one story never had it’s correct and meant to be ending. It is like a unfinished story.

There is also a part of me that knows no matter who I meet or where I go from here at this age. I will never know all the players in another person life. I will never be a part of their history. It is the hardest part that you give your love, youth, history and loyalty to someone for this one life you have and someone can decide after decades it’s not what they want. I don’t think that I can grasp that ever. That is a lot of investment in someone and I think that is where it makes it seem like (for me ) am I not worthy? If someone can share all that with you and walk away? That is what makes you think is my core being not good enough??  But, I am. It is his insecurities and struggles that got us here. I never walked away. I can live with that. That makes me a better human at my core!!


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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and Insanity continues
#11: August 01, 2021, 11:00:53 AM
Well I had to send a letter to my XH today and copy my attorney. Im exhausted being the nice guy. Tip toeing around trying not to upset him. He did not pay alimony while he has been on vacation with OW and there is no excuse as it is done by bank transfer and can be done by phone.

I keep putting up with way to much while he has no concern for me. I think this will probably be the end of communication between us and maybe I am trying to force that on my end as I need to move on as far as being his security blanket. I keep investing a lot of emotional real estate in someone that sold the lot!

I never know if I am doing the wrong thing, but it gives me a lot of anxiety when he does not pay the weekly alimony on time.

The letter
——————-
Payment is to be made on Thursdays. I have tried to have several discussions on this and if there is a reason for delay to inform me. The payments are all over the place. There is also a delay with your bank. You must account for this when making payment. When you pay late on Sat or Sun sometimes it does not go through until another 3 days making it a week late.

Also the chiefs tickets balance still on my account has not been paid for the week. This I allowed to be made weekly even though it costs me interest for unpaid balance. I think it would be best you pay  the balance in full at this point instead of $250 a week.  The balance is $2592.41

Also house is in refinancing to be under my sole name. I would like to give the mortgage company your phone and email for any signing over set up they will need to complete the transaction.

Also, papers that were to be filed at the FW courthouse are now almost 6 months past due.

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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and Insanity continues
#12: August 01, 2021, 01:41:58 PM
I'm sorry you are stuck in this position. Does he pay once a week instead of monthly?

As to the letter, very nice. You stuck with the facts. Yes, he really ought to pay off that balance or transfer it to a card of his own. You should not have to carry that liability.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
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#13: August 01, 2021, 01:46:45 PM
So, the reason I did the quick divorce is because he agreed to all my terms. My lawyer advised that if he would actually sign off on the agreement to lock it in. She said you can always get back together, but at this point he is cheating and unstable mentally and this will secure you. He pays weekly what most people dont get monthly
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and Insanity continues
#14: August 01, 2021, 01:55:36 PM
Valid point and reason, and correctly done to secure yourself financially.  You can still stand, not stand, stand until. It is still your choice.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Love and Insanity continues
#15: August 02, 2021, 06:18:11 AM
Oooooo... Consequences!  AND responsibility to boot.....

THAT's Gonna make his head go <Boom!>  Mean old Mr. reality is SUCH a Buzzkill

There is absolutely NO reason that YOU should be paying interest for HIS bill.... He wants to be single, then by all means, but in order to make that happen, he needs to grab a hold of his squishy bits and do what is right.... which is what he agreed to do....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

T
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Love and Insanity continues
#16: August 02, 2021, 06:32:52 AM
Right? I think while on vaca he is in his escape mode, so most likely did not pay as I would then cross his mind. Can’t have that for his fragile egg scrambled mind!  I have told him to put it on automatic payments before. He said he hasn’t been able to figure out how??? Hmmm, high executive and can’t figure it out? Unfortunately, I so believe him on this. I paid all bills for 30 years. At this point he is technically challenged.

However, NOT MY PROBLEM!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and Insanity continues
#17: August 02, 2021, 09:08:02 PM
Well, still no alimony has been paid for last week. He however did answer a text today saying he did and would check again later tonight. At 10 pm I messaged this to him

It's 10pm and its still not paid. If you pay it now your bank holds it and it wont go through for several days. I am not sure what I ever did to continue to be devalued so heavily by you, but I am not taking it anymore. Enough is enough! I did your divorce, I have supported your mental health. I am not exactly sure how much more devoted and loyal I could have been through all this. I have been a true friend to you. So, for you to go on a 10 day vacation and not take care of your responsibilities to me, the one that has been your security blanket walking around carrying your pain its beyond me. You cant treat people who have loved you for decades so poorly and think they will just keep taking it. You are destroying your life. You are losing yourself. You are detaching from what is most important. I hope you can financially and emotionally maintain this new life that you are creating. It seems to be starting on the destruction of a life and family you once cared about. I will never understand it. You once said not to long ago

We can do whatever, I will always choose to talk to you

Let me know when you find that guy!

I know I know DETATCH!!’ This is my detach. I have let him walk all over me. I have a appt with my lawyer tomorrow to see about enforcing the alimony on his end. He can self destruct, but he is not taking me with him!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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#18: August 02, 2021, 10:34:48 PM
Sometimes you just have to say what you have to say, get it out of your system. What I find amazing is that often the MLCer will not even realized how what he is doing affects the LBS.

When I met with my XH trying to get the house papers settled, I went on my lunch hour. He was 38 minutes late. In my married life, I'd have shined that on and not said anything. But instead I calmly said " I came here on my lunch hour because you could not be bothered to come in the afternoon. Then you show up nearly 40 minutes late. It is disrespectful of me and my time when you do that." He looked ta me like I had just grown a horn in the middle of my head and stammered "I'm sorry." And he actually meant it. At that point, he was used to monstering at  me and my taking it, but my line had been drawn.

You go, girl! Detach a little at a time if you must, but you can get there.
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#19: August 02, 2021, 11:02:00 PM
OR is quite right.
It is also probably true that your emotional (understandably) message will make no big difference to your xh’s inner workings. But that doesn’t make it wrong to say your piece, as long as you manage to adjust your expectations.
So, well done on not shilly-shallying before seeking legal advice on how you can enforce your legal agreement. I’m sorry that you have to do so, but sadly it is not uncommon. Agreements with MLC folks seem to rarely be worth the virtual or real paper on which they are written  ::)

Fwiw - and I don’t know the legal detail of your situation - it may be worth talking to your L about how you can make the financial transactions as hands off and spaced out as possible. A monthly payment rather than a weekly one, a lump sum rather than a monthly. Bc it can force us into more regular interaction than is helpful when we are trying to detach and keep us embroiled in a kind of MLC power/expectations/contact game which is a bit wearing to live with. So take legal advice on how you can make things happen as remotely and impersonally as possible, perhaps, so you do not have to feel that your life is being held hostage to his MLC emotions? Just a thought.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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