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Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding our marriage and family

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My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding our marriage and family
#50: November 03, 2021, 10:19:04 AM
Acorn, thank you so much for continuing to share, even beyond what you had anticipated. This information is so important - both your words, and the discussion prompted by them.

They can want to heal, want their lives back, and even be looking for the tools to help them get there. But if the tool that they actually need is one that isn’t in their toolbox, they will continue doing incomplete repairs until they actually go out and find those proper tools.
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#51: November 03, 2021, 11:19:00 AM
Ditto with Nas on the shoes  :)
I have been known to take four pairs just for a long weekend.....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Rebuilding our marriage and family
#52: November 03, 2021, 12:46:13 PM
Several pairs of shoes in a variety of colours ( I love colour co-ordination) and put quite a few of those in H's suitcase too!  You carried the marriage and walked those emotional miles - he can now carry those shoes with gratitude!

I like the analogy but fear that following his stroke, my H has lost some of his capacity to regain or develop the emotional tools he didn't even know he had!  :o ::) ::) ;D
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#53: November 03, 2021, 01:44:40 PM
Thanks for continuing to share Acorn.  It does mean so much. 

Quote
Several pairs of shoes in a variety of colours ( I love colour co-ordination) and put quite a few of those in H's suitcase too!  You carried the marriage and walked those emotional miles - he can now carry those shoes with gratitude!

I love this analogy! 
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BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#54: November 03, 2021, 06:46:50 PM
I like to travel light so have learned to take everything in black and white but that is usually for a shorter trip.

I wanted to add that the LBSer also needs "tools" to be able to rebuild their marriage. I would suggest that the most important tool is the ability to forgive their spouse.

I also believe that an important tool is to be approachable..if you are still wanting a relationship with them.

I think it takes a great deal of courage for the MLCer to approach their spouse and family to attempt any kind of reconcilation. The LBSer's openness is one tool that might allow the MLCer to approach and start the process of reconnection.

It is not a guarantee, but it makes sense to me regardless of what the outcome will be.
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#55: November 04, 2021, 08:05:52 AM
Acorn - Thank you for sharing, indeed.
Interesting thought about the toolbox.
My husband has never been “handy” so his metaphorical toolbox is probably quite empty.
Perhaps his rusty tools that he does have can be dusted off and used for his good at some point.

Enjoy your trip.
I hope that it is wonderful for you both.

Sea
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#56: November 04, 2021, 08:12:15 AM
OK, I know I am going to Hades for this but .....

Acorn, you have perfectly described the major difference...

Either the MLC'er HAS tools in their box or simply IS a tool....

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#57: November 04, 2021, 11:09:21 AM
Well I definitely don't think my H has the tools, and never did. But I also knew this prior to BD. I think he has (DEEP DOWN) a kind compassionate heart. But a mature, responsible adult? Not quite. I personally have no clue how to navigate that. It's easy to say, "He needs to do the work." Much harder in practice.  Especially when he is a stage 5 clinger.

As always, thank you for your insights Acorn. I know both you and your H have done the work. And it is paying off.

As for the shoes, bring them all. I usually pack a second suitcase dedicated to shoes. A girl needs options.  ;)
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#58: November 05, 2021, 03:13:10 AM
Especially when he is a stage 5 clinger.

I think I found a picture of him!

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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Rebuilding our marriage and family
#59: November 06, 2021, 06:03:38 AM
I’m barefoot except when shoes are explicitly required. So I usually wear one pair for traveling and pack *maybe* a second pair — the opposite of the traveling pair. If I travel casually, pack the elegant pair; if traveling elegantly, pack the flip-flops. I don’t like baggage claim or waiting, I prefer to make the most of whatever destination from the moment I set foot on the ground, so always travel light and with intention to bring back more than I carried in.

;) Travel light. One casual/comfortable pair, one more dressy/formal. We were born without shoes and it’s possible we really don’t need as many as we wind up with!

About toolboxes and tools, h had an impressive 3-car garage full of the best, and he used them expertly. I loved that about him, and that it wasn’t just for show or status. He knew how to do all the things, like no one else I ever knew.

I visited him one summer after he’d made off with ow2. Guess where the tools and toolboxes all were?

Nowhere to be seen. Not a single tool or toolbox in sight, not even in the new garage.

I own a set of screwdrivers and a claw hammer, a set of small jewelry pliers and such, a knife sharpening stone, a pocketknife, a pair of embroidery scissors, and a ton of ink pens. I hope those wool be enough for me; lately I feel I travel a little too light in the toolbox respect too.

I hope your away trip is full of wonderful amazements, good food, and the best of good times. (((HUGS)))
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