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Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding our marriage and family

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My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding our marriage and family
#60: November 06, 2021, 07:16:09 AM
Wow, thank you for ‘wading in’ in your wellies/gum boots about the shoes!  I have decided on 4 pairs.  I usually travel incredibly light but this upcoming trip is for several months, covering 2 continents.  So, I think I’m doing well with just 4 pairs. 
 
Thank you also to many who shared their insights on this thread.  I would like to let you know I read every word very carefully and appreciate them. 

…..

If I may clarify:

My post was mainly about H using his pre-existing tools to resolve the issues that sparked his crisis. 

Yes, he also used those same tools to recompense and rebuild the relationships he had broken during his crisis.  However, there had to be prerequisites to reconciliation that were the matter of the heart, not of the ‘tool box’ — love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness (cancelling of debt and no settling of scores) and, above all, the desire to reconcile.   And on both sides. 

Sample of one.

Have a great weekend, everyone!
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A
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#61: November 19, 2021, 05:51:56 AM
Thank you, Nas, Marvin, Torn, Curiosity, Treasur, Song, Roo, Xyzcf, See, UM, KIT and Terra, for reading and commenting on this thread!

…..

Hello from a sunny place! 

Another noteworthy string of conversations, important enough for me to document here.

We’ve had a lot of time to chat while travelling to a place for an extended stay.  Long layovers and extra long flights were conducive to unhurried and focused conversations. 

The purpose of this trip reflects our adjusted attitude toward our place in the world we share with billions of souls.  Previously, we had talked many times about the trend, ‘It’s all about ME!,’ that has been unashamedly trending for many decades around us and in which we willingly participated.  My marriage, my partner, my family, my achievements, my job, my worth, my thoughts, my opinions, etc., etc.

Nothing wrong with any of these, except when the ‘MY’ aspect overwhelms everything else and life is all about I, me and myself. 

I’m thankful we could converse more deeply about this topic while travelling.  It was another brick in our bonding and rebuilding process, the chief tool being the act of conversing, more than the topics, though very interesting and important.  We tried to practice focussed listening, considered answers, and seeing each other’s point of view without judgement or making assumptions.

H and I discussed the goals we had been pursuing in our adulthood.  Happy marriage and family, nurturing and educating our children, professional achievements, financial security, a comfortable home, hobbies, etc. 

We heartily agreed that personal pursuits such as listed above are worthwhile and important.  We also agreed that we were quite deep into them and that we now need to expand our horizon beyond ‘ME and US’  before we grow too old and feeble to do it.  Hence, this trip.

It is worth noting that H’s and my personalities seem to have changed very little over the crisis years but we made some adjustments to our attitudes and perspectives, especially in regards to how we see ourselves in relation to the world around us. 

It is also notable that my husband mentioned his ‘crisis’ as being a transitionary period, during which ‘I, me and myself’ was taken to the extreme, and by the end of it, that intense focus on self started to diminish and the awareness of others and their humanity came into sharper focus and expanded well beyond his past scope of it. 

There have been many discussions on the definition and causes of emotional and psychological crisis, which we commonly refer to as ‘midlife crisis.’  Some say ‘fear of aging and/or death.’  Some say ‘identity crisis.’  Some say ‘to tackle FOO issues or childhood traumas.’

For my H, ‘it was an existential crisis gone rogue and I did a lot of damage to the people I loved most.’ — his words.

I can see in hindsight that FOO issues were the flame starter, not the main fire, of his crisis which had to be resolved before he could embark on defining his own identity and purpose in life.  The ‘age’ factor comes in, too — not the ‘gee, look at that number on my birthday cake, waaah!  I wanna stay young forever!’ kind, but that he lived long enough and accrued a fair amount of life experiences to ask all the questions that had been simmering inside of him for a while. 

Sample of one.

By the way, I took only 4 pairs of shoes. 

Have a great weekend!


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« Last Edit: November 19, 2021, 05:57:45 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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#62: November 19, 2021, 06:10:23 AM
Quote
kind, but that he lived long enough and accrued a fair amount of life experiences to ask all the questions that had been simmering inside of him for a while
Such great insight. Did he share what the questions he needed to ask and answer were?  Sounds like such a healing and emotionally connecting trip for you both.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec 10 ‘20 H buys OW promise ring Dec 12
Div final-Feb ‘21 H buys OW $800 necklace
March ‘21 H take OW on vacation buys engagement rings 3/17
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796

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#63: November 19, 2021, 07:56:16 AM
Glad to see your update, Acorn. Thank you.
JB
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A
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#64: November 29, 2021, 12:42:00 AM
Thank you very much, Torn and JB!

Did he share what the questions he needed to ask and answer were? 

As I have an aversion to making assumptions about what is in another person’s head, I will answer your question with what my husband shared with me many times during and after his crisis.

He asked himself the usual identity/existential questions.  Some of them are:

- Who am I really?

- What is the meaning of life?

- What is the meaning of my existence?

- Do I really believe in God or was I brainwashed?

According to my husband, the process of defining the above questions, plus many more, was like walking up to the starting line. That was the easy part, though it took considerable time and pain.  (‘It was a walk in the park, compared to what came next.’ — H)

Again, according to him, his real challenge and battle lay in the pursuit of the answers to the questions he posed to himself.  Wrestling with those questions took most, if not all, of his emotional energy for a long time.

I hope I have adequately answered your question, Torn.
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#65: November 29, 2021, 03:19:42 AM
Thank you Acorn, I think those same questions could very well be the same questions that started the escape as well, no??  First they make them run and then they make them evaluate?? Very interesting. Thank you for sharing
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« Last Edit: November 29, 2021, 04:20:02 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec 10 ‘20 H buys OW promise ring Dec 12
Div final-Feb ‘21 H buys OW $800 necklace
March ‘21 H take OW on vacation buys engagement rings 3/17
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796

A
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#66: November 30, 2021, 06:36:03 AM
I think those same questions could very well be the same questions that started the escape as well, no??  First they make them run and then they make them evaluate??

Hi Torn,

Are you asking about my husband or wondering about MLCers in general? 
Maybe they are rhetorical questions? 
I can’t tell.  Sorry…

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#67: November 30, 2021, 07:11:00 AM
Sorry, I seem so clear to myself 😜🤪 Just a “in general”  that those very same questions may be asked by the MLC’er when they feel they need to escape their life and then need to be asked again to come through the crisis??
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« Last Edit: November 30, 2021, 07:12:36 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec 10 ‘20 H buys OW promise ring Dec 12
Div final-Feb ‘21 H buys OW $800 necklace
March ‘21 H take OW on vacation buys engagement rings 3/17
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796

A
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#68: December 01, 2021, 02:33:20 AM
Thank you for the clarification, Torn! :)

Quote
those very same questions may be asked by the MLC’er when they feel they need to escape their life and then need to be asked again to come through the crisis??

You don’t truly know unless the person in crisis tells you what’s in his head  — presenting consistent contents over many convos, not some thought that momentarily popped up and then fizzled out in 5 seconds to be never seen again. 

One can speculate on what’s going on in another’s mind until cows come home but all it accomplishes is strengthen LBS’s confirmation biases and hinder detachment, I believe.  (Ask me how I know about it. ;D)  Speculating is like a colourblind person with both arms in plaster trying to taste green with his elbow (© UM) There is no way UM can come up with a suitable GIF for this one, haha!

Just my view. 
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« Last Edit: December 01, 2021, 03:03:16 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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#69: December 01, 2021, 03:28:03 AM
Speculating is like a colourblind person with both arms in plaster trying to taste green with his elbow (© UM) There is no way UM can come up with a suitable GIF for this one, haha!

Challenge accepted.....


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Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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