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Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Rebuilding our marriage and family

m
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My Story Rebuilding Re: Rebuilding our marriage and family
#70: December 01, 2021, 04:51:08 AM
Speculating is like a colourblind person with both arms in plaster trying to taste green with his elbow (© UM) There is no way UM can come up with a suitable GIF for this one, haha!

You challenged him and he rose up to meet it! Snap!

 8)
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

H
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#71: December 01, 2021, 05:46:03 AM
Awesome GIF UM!   Made my day this morning.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

N

Nas

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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#72: December 01, 2021, 06:04:27 AM
Well done, UM. That image both amuses and disturbs. 😂

Thank you for the clarification, Torn! :)

Quote
those very same questions may be asked by the MLC’er when they feel they need to escape their life and then need to be asked again to come through the crisis??

You don’t truly know unless the person in crisis tells you what’s in his head  — presenting consistent contents over many convos, not some thought that momentarily popped up and then fizzled out in 5 seconds to be never seen again. 

One can speculate on what’s going on in another’s mind until cows come home but all it accomplishes is strengthen LBS’s confirmation biases and hinder detachment, I believe.

I just wanted to add that not only can we never at any point truly know what’s going on in another’s heart and mind, often we LBS say a lot of things to the MLCer/WAS early on that inadvertently feeds them lines they then repeat back over and over to manipulate and play on the LBS’s sympathies. I would believe absolutely nothing unless and until any AP is gone and they show unmistakable signs of growth in themselves. Jmho
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M
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#73: December 01, 2021, 06:25:10 AM
I agree, Nas. It takes some time and distance to step back and see things from a non distressed mind of our own as a LBS. Once we can do that then we realize we truly are not playing on the same team. We just have to sit in the dug out and let them complete their own game which may have many extra innings we did not anticipate. I have never been a fan of baseball ( for what it’s worth) The games are very long and boring……LOL ⚾️⚾️⚾️⚾️
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20  
Div final-Feb ‘21
July 2021 married OW (find out May 2022 after 10 mths)
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW ( already married, tells nobody)
Feb 2022- XH is fired from job of 38 years
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796

Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out..its not about you !!! (Barbi

A
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#74: December 17, 2021, 12:38:54 AM
Thank you, UM, Marvin, HF, Nas and Torn, for reading and commenting. 

UM, that GIF is priceless!   Thank you for the laughs. It illustrate very well the futility of trying to figure out the motives and intentions of another person.  The sooner LBS lets go of that pointless exercise, the more they can focus on living life well.   

Nas, you mentioned an important point which I have seen in my own situation. 

I would believe absolutely nothing unless and until any AP is gone and they show unmistakable signs of growth in themselves.

AP and all other crisis choices/behaviour needed to be gone, before my H could focus on his inner self.  Looking at his issues was a diagnostic process, the first step.  Having the ‘diagnosis’ does not heal a person.   Healing from his issues was quite something else — a long, painful and arduous process.  But his desire and will to heal was indomitable.  I think you would understand that…. ((((((HUGS))))))

Sample of one.

…..

While auditing my ‘Life Lessons’ folder that I started soon after BD, I came across the following story, which I would love to share with you. 

I remember fondly how the story encouraged me to change how I viewed my situation and live with gratitude for the countless blessings in my life —to focus on ‘what’s left’ and not on that ‘broken string.’   

Here it is:

Many people regard Itzhak Perlman as the world's finest violinist. Perlman took up violin after contracting polio as a child. He since has barely shuffled along in his braces, clumsily swinging his caliper crutches in a monumental struggle just to get onto the concert-hall platform. An assistant carries his precious violin for him. Perlman is the only violin virtuoso who has to sit to play.

Perlman was only a few bars into a violin concerto with the N.Y. Philharmonic Orchestra when a violin string broke. He waved his bow to the conductor to stop. Perlman refused to get up and get another violin. Instead, he removed the broken string from his instrument and signalled the conductor to begin again. Perlman then played the entire concerto on the three remaining strings of his violin. Enthusiastic applause greeted him at the concerto's end. When it had finally died away, Perlman said to the hushed audience, '“You know, it is the artist’s task to find out how much music you can make with what you have left. Sometimes life is best played with what's left.”

Wishing you a great weekend.
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« Last Edit: December 17, 2021, 12:45:18 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD. 
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

H never left home.

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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#75: December 17, 2021, 01:56:39 AM
THAT is an awesomely inspiring story regarding Perlman!
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#76: December 17, 2021, 09:37:03 AM
What a wonderful and insightful story! Thank you for sharing it.
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H
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#77: December 17, 2021, 03:44:10 PM
Thank you Acorn for sharing this story.  I needed especially today.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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Nas

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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#78: December 17, 2021, 04:13:20 PM
Love that story, A, and also love that you keep a “life lessons” folder. 😉
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P
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Rebuilding our marriage and family
#79: December 17, 2021, 06:56:04 PM
Following your story. Sounds like some positive steps. I will keep watching with best wishes and hopes for you.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)
Back with LO Dec 2021

 

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