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Author Topic: My Story Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7

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My Story Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#130: October 30, 2021, 09:11:43 PM
LOL - Well Thunder, I needed to start somewhere and stilettos are not really farm-friendly. I would have worn my cowboy boots, which my S's GF is ready to sneak out of my closet. Stilettos would have aerated the lawn or gotten stuck in between the barn boards. Climbing onto the hay wagon would have been impossible. But, I will note your recommendation of an adult party that allows for stilettos. Maybe next weekend. I have an art opening on my list of potential plans in the nearby city, so we will see.  ::)

I arrived tonight and didn't see S right away, although his car was there. The bonfire was already lit and roaring. The barn was decorated with string lights inside as if it were ready for a prom. There were little kids dressed up, as were a few older kids and adults. The M came over and gave me a huge hug and told me to get some dinner and a drink. I recognized a few people, but most were paired off. I felt a little self conscious at first, but found an empty spot at a table in the corner. I was sitting alone and just taking it all in when a guy came over and started flirting with me. He was wearing a mask and didn't take it off or introduce himself. It was very odd. I didn't know who he was. Suddenly from out of nowhere my neighbor's youngest S, a kid that has been like a second S to me, slid next to me and put his arm around me. He announced I was with him. The guy left and I started laughing and said "um, that was not weird at all" in a very sarcastic manner. The kid is 18, although I will admit he looks considerably older and is a good looking kid, there are all sorts of EEEUUUUWWW feelings about even any concept of - gosh I can't even say it. So, I of course asked him what that was about and then didn't S come over and joke that  I am going way below my age threshold now and did we need to have a refresher course on the parameters. I started laughing and asked for an explanation. My neighbor's kid said that is the host and hostess's new neighbor and he is really kind of odd and he wasn't going to leave me alone with him. I laughed and said I would accept that answer and thanked him.

I decided to move from my little table in the dark corner of the barn and go out where other people were congregating. I found the M who had invited me, her D and her MIL, who I worked with when I had just graduated college. We caught up and they were telling me they were all going on the hayride even if it rained this year because they have missed it. The MIL, who owns the farm said she started that tradition back when her oldest S was in grade school and he is now in his 50's. It has been a couple of years since they have had a hayride event and the MIL said it has been so missed and it was time to reboot that tradition. Before we got on the wagon, the M told me she recommended the hot chocolate, but to add a raspberry liqueur her friend who owns a distillery brought. It was a 43 proof and incredibly tasty but after the second hot chocolate I decided I had best behave myself, considering I was not wise enough to come with S, who was the DD for the evening. Not that I was looking to get completely intoxicated, but I knew better than to chance it. So I drank water the rest of the evening.

It was a nice night. I caught up with a few people and met some new people. The hayride was actually one of the best ones we have been on. Their corn fields haven't all been harvested, so the deer were out eating in the fields and weren't bothered by the sound of the tractor - they are used to it. Listening to the little kids get all excited seeing the deer and then some cows at night was enjoyable. There were a couple of high school sweethearts who were obviously smitten with one another and they behaved, but were sitting so close and wearing similar colors that it looked like they were joined together. Another couple sitting nearby were an elderly couple who clearly still really love one another. I recognized them and they have been married for years.

I was there late enough to help the M clean up a bit and to take time to catch up with her. She works full time and as the kids got older she started competing in triathlons. Recently she had started leading a couple of classes at the local gym. It always conflicted with my work schedule and then Covid hit. I was just asking her how the classes were going and she got so excited. I laughed when she told me her training is actually in martial arts and she is trying to convince the gym to let her start a kickboxing class. Her kids are all done with school this year and she said she has the time now to do some of the things she wants to do. Her H walked by and laughed saying this is why he always agrees with her - because she could easily kick his a$$. I laughed full well knowing that they are good partners and always have been. She doesn't need to kick his butt.

After a conversation with the H, I thought about how glamorized farm life is in some movies, etc. There is a simplicity to certain aspects and there are farmers who would tell you they just love what they do. That is this family. Those kids all love the farm and the life it has provided for them, but with that, as the H said, they all have to get up at 3:30 am tomorrow because the rain is coming and they have to get some things done before that happens and then the cows, who don't take Sundays off, need to be tended to. Tonight was their one big night off for the month.

I know I couldn't do what they do, but it did make me think about what I want. I do love some of the simpler things more and more. I don't need constant excitement and socializing. For a short while, I was standing by the bonfire with a couple of other people. We were just enjoying the night sky and pointing out stars and there was no need for any other conversation.

Before I left, the older boys were all playing hide and seek. They are in their 20's and it was so funny to watch these young adults goofing around. Then of course, they are country boys, and that often means mud suddenly enters the mix. They were wrestling one another and running after one another. S stood with me and was watching. He laughed and said he was glad I decided to come and have a night out. I was too. I am tired of always staying home. Time to change it up a bit once in awhile.  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#131: November 01, 2021, 04:33:31 AM
Gee, you mean you did not want to mimic this?



On the serious side,

I can SO relate to the story of S's friend because I had a roommate too that got busted stealing things from people to feed his coke habit and make his rent... He stole a pair of stereo speakers from me that my OTHER roommates got back from him and stuff from a storage room in the apartment complex that we lived in... BAD situation.... I came back form boot camp and he was in jail and I had a smashed windshield in my car so I guess I got lucky. I moved right after that too... At least S's friend has a support network that is willing to help him....

Quote from: Mourning Dove
Suddenly from out of nowhere my neighbor's youngest S, a kid that has been like a second S to me, slid next to me and put his arm around me. He announced I was with him. The guy left and I started laughing and said "um, that was not weird at all" in a very sarcastic manner. The kid is 18, although I will admit he looks considerably older and is a good looking kid, there are all sorts of EEEUUUUWWW feelings about even any concept of - gosh I can't even say it. So, I of course asked him what that was about and then didn't S come over and joke that  I am going way below my age threshold now and did we need to have a refresher course on the parameters.
I wondered how long it would be before the a) the "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" factor took over and b) how long it would be before the velociraptor mode was activated... Good to know my feelings were not misplaced...  ;D I had the feeling reading this part that it would not take long before S showed up... Isn't that what ALWAYS happens? We are just <bats eyelashes> innocently minding our own business <batting stops>  and <BOOM!> Nice though that the neighbor kids was looking out for you....

Hot Chocolate with Raspberry Liqueur... Hmmmmmm .... That has potential.... Sort of like Hot Chocolate with Cointreau...
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#132: November 01, 2021, 12:12:19 PM
UrsaMajor - See, people laugh at me when they find out I usually have emergency sneakers in my car, but this is the whole reason why. Or I have been known to take off heels and go barefoot if I deem the terrain not be "stiletto friendly". Oh, sure the last time that happened was when I wore stilettos to work and stopped at a farm stand. I sunk into the soft dirt and my heels were stuck. I slid my shoes off and then threw them in the back of the car. The farmer laughed as I stood there barefoot. I am a country girl at heart, what can I say. The lady in the clip - sigh - what was she thinking? Is that one of those mentalities that you suffer to be fashionable at all costs?  ::)

I spoke to a friend of mine last night about how this whole situation with S's roommate and having to behave counter to my core affected me. I told her it sort of put me in this weird place, but it wasn't a full on trigger. I was just in overdrive trying to help coordinate the quick move the one night and didn't allow myself time to really process some feelings that were bubbling up. I reacted, rather badly, and in a way I should not have. When I told her what I did, she laughed at me and said "you didn't". Oh, but yes, I did.  ::) I told her I was so incredibly embarrassed and angry with myself. And I didn't understand what brought it on. As a LBS herself, she said she suspected that this roommate thing had brought me back to a bit of that survival mode place like when I was going through Xh moving out and fighting him in court. She pointed out how I probably was feeling a bit uneasy and insecure all the way around in that moment. In survival mode, you don't really think about that. I laughed and said I was exhausted last night, once I found out everything was set up at my parents and his possessions, what little he has, were safe and he was out of that situation. Between that and adjusting to having to run around and "puppy proof", I suppose she was on to something.

I honestly began to question myself last night for even getting involved. Like why is it my problem and why should I care? I questioned whether or not I was being too giving and maybe I needed more boundaries. D told me that she watched me in overdrive all weekend, somehow say no to some things and was mindful of not upsetting her life as well as my parents. She said she also watched as I handed the puppy off to the former roommate when he was here for a bit and tell them I was off the clock. I made it clear this was a group effort and I was not going to be the only one taking this on. No one has complained, and this morning when the puppy had to go out, S was up as soon as the sun came up to take her out.

I decided after last year's fun with having surgery that I am going to do my best to not have any big events this year. So I went and had my flu shot yesterday. By bed time it had wiped me out. When I woke up this morning, it was really quiet and the sun was streaming in. I felt the stress just leave my body. Things were calm again. I don't like the drama and extra activity, but life isn't always so neat and perfect. As I went over what all had gone on in a short time period, I forgave myself for having a couple of moments. It doesn't excuse any of it, but I can see why I was just a little unsure of so much. It was a bit of fear in the mix that had little to do with anything other than the situation feeling uncertain and causing a ripple effect. Very much a bit of a trigger, that I didn't stop to fully process.

I realized that by not allowing myself to stop and process my feelings and it shows me how important it is to do that. The part of ignoring those feelings bubbled up made me more reactive than I am used to being. The positive is, the trigger didn't go completely into full on meltdown and back to square one where I was wiped out mentally and physically. But that "reactive" aspect - I am not loving that little blip. But, what's done is done. I can't go back and somehow hit a rewind button to fix it.

My phone rang and it was my M. She told me she got up very early and decided to make their houseguest breakfast. She told him not to get used to having breakfast made for him every morning, but I know my M, she likes having someone to take care of. She then said to me that if any of us had any doubts about helping this young man out, she can honestly say she knows the answer. He hadn't brought many things with him yet from his home state. He only had a mattress and a dresser for furniture. The rest is home and he was going to move it when he found a more permanent place, thankfully. He brought the clothes he owned, his tractor and some valuables, but there was one item that was the reason my M said she had the answer. Had they locked him out of that place and played games there is something so irreplaceable that I found myself weeping when my M shared. He had asked my M if it was okay to move something off of the mantel in the room he is staying in. My M said she would gladly make room for his box. She thought it was maybe things like regular valuables along the lines of watches or money, but she said he smiled and thanked her. It was the box that holds his M's ashes. My M said she left the room and said she is so glad we all agreed to help him.

I am no longer questioning my actions. I will accept the things that went down and move forward. Right now, I am being cuddled by this little fur ball who has decided I am more than okay. It is very clear when the former roommate shows up that he is her human - she positively shakes and you swear she is smiling. When he is not here she comes looking for me to hang out with, even if it means she is just chewing on her toys at my feet while I am working in the kitchen, etc. I think it is a set up and the kids have bribed her, honestly. D keeps hinting at I need a new puppy to keep me company. Uh huh. Perhaps.  ::)
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« Last Edit: November 01, 2021, 12:22:52 PM by MourningDove »

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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#133: November 01, 2021, 02:46:57 PM
You did good. Imho every bit of trust offered and good help given is a metaphorical punch on the nose to MLC BS and an act of recovery  :)
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#134: November 01, 2021, 06:29:41 PM
I agree, you did good. Decent person-1 and sociopath-0.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#135: November 02, 2021, 03:13:56 AM
The story of the box on the mantel made ME tear up..... and shows that you have a good "radar" for those that are decent (so does mom)

There are those moments when we (I do see this more often in LBS's actually) go into a sort of disaster mitigation and recovery mode where we are simply "functional, no-nnonsense, no BS, just get it done and do NOT get in the way"  Later, when we have had the opportunity to maybe breathe, relax and reflect, we think "WTF did I just do/get myself into?" but, when we REALLY look at it, we know we did the right thing - we did what we felt to be right and good and held fast to our core values... even if it did/does cost us something or reignite a bit of something .... "icky" out of the past... In the end though, we know (and can appreciate) that we, unlike the Mid-Lifers or the sociopathic roomies, will be on the right side of the karma line.....

One thing that is a bit confusing though.... For S's friend..... You mentioned the "oldest" roomie as being the shyster but then you mentioned
Quote from: Mourning Dove
When S picked up the puppy, roomie was there. S, who has known her for a long time, told her I was very excited to have a puppy. He never said it was going to be mine, he simply let her think what she wants. And she has always liked me because I was always nice to her. I will still be cordial, but my line in the sand remains. S was just smart enough to be diplomatic about it and he did say it really was not his fight with her anyways.
I had initially thought that the conniving, vindictive roomie was a male.... 
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#136: November 02, 2021, 11:24:43 AM
Thank you, Treasur, Revinventing & UrsaMajor.

This whole event just brought up such uneasy feelings which affected me in way I hadn't anticipated. The unsettled, unstable situation was tough and while logically, it really had nothing to do with my own life, it filtered in a bit more than I realized. That is not to say my life wasn't being affected. Just taking on the puppy was going to affect me. The whole aspect of the unknowns for this young man really weren't the same as the MLC time period. Yet, the feelings that came on were certainly reminiscent of that fight or flight feeling I experienced with Xh's shenanigans.

To clarify, the roomie in question is in fact a female. There are two other young men living there as well. They have been friends since high school. None of them are romantically or otherwise involved beyond friends. S's former roommate was the new person in the mix. The young woman has a list of FOO issues that one can't even imagine. I honestly don't think she ever intends to screw people over. I believe she gets short on cash and then gets caught and goes into survival mode of her own, because that is what she has seen all of her life. No one has ever looked out for her and therefore even if you want to give her skills, her level of real trust in anyone is just not there. It doesn't excuse her actions, but I sort of see why she is the way she is. That doesn't mean I am erasing the line in the sand when it comes to how I proceed with her. It doesn't change that her way to survive was to be conniving and vindictive and that is a deal breaker for me. It's all about choices and consequences for me.

I am not looking to fix the situation for this kid or to enable anything. I may have had students I wished I could somehow 'save', but I knew enough to try to give them the skills to make it on their own. I learned very early on in my years of teaching that my job wasn't to swoop in and adopt every kid that needed a better situation. It was to be a supportive person in their lives, but there were boundaries even I had to keep in place for my own family and self.

Even now, S and D's friends I don't typically come running to their aid. Somehow this kid is different and I didn't know the whole story with his parents and M. I just know he and S hit it off from day one and have been like B's from the moment they met. D connected with him in that manner right off the bat too. There was just something I couldn't ever put my finger on. After last night, I think I know why this has fallen on my doorstep in some very odd way.

S had stayed home a bit later than usual yesterday. He wanted to touch base with "C" - his former roommate. C came in around 6 pm and his puppy who had been my shadow all day long, decided I was not worthy of her attention any longer. I watched the two of them just smother each other with affection. It made S and I both smile. S had to leave, but C asked if he could hang out a bit longer before going to my parent's house. He wanted to spend more time with his puppy and I was just pouring a glass of wine and tidying up the kitchen anyways. He wore the puppy out and sat down at the bar. For the first time he referred to me as M, and not his nickname for me. It sounds like nothing, but I know this a huge thing for him. It is about trust and knowing who has his back. He stayed until about 10 pm and he wanted to just talk.

He asked for my opinion and help on understanding some of the different communities in regards to taxes and so on. It gets confusing with villages, towns, school districts and the like when you are new to an area. Then somehow something came up about his parents. I asked him how long ago his parents had divorced. It was when he was quite young and he said both of them did a good job balancing the coparenting aspect. His step mom came into the picture later on and that is not a good situation, but his step dad he is still in contact with and fond of.

And then out of the blue, IDK if he felt comfortable or what, but she shared what happened to his M. I wanted to just ball my eyes out. It was an accident, but she held on for a significant amount of time, only to die right before Christmas. It was the same year that Xh was getting ready to make his exit and the divorce was underway here. C mentioned that he and S have shared moments of saying how rough that year was for both of them. That transition to this new unknown.

When he left to go to my parents I told him that I know Thanksgiving is coming up and he may not be able to afford the trip back home. My sister is not having a get together this year due to her H's work/travel schedule and my parents have decided since we are celebrating my M's birthday and their anniversary this coming weekend that they don't want to have another big get together. I have told my kids if they want a "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" I am fine with that. That isn't going to fly - LOL. So, I am having a small thing here and if I have extras, no big deal. I haven't hosted a Thanksgiving meal here since just before FIL moved in. C smiled and said he appreciated having the option of somewhere to go.

I found myself alone and thinking that maybe this is it. Maybe I am going to be like my great great aunt who was alone for years and people just came to visit her all the time. I sort of laughed thinking that I can't settle into that life yet.

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. Darn weather forecasters really are just throwing dice it seems. I mean they were way off with today's forecast. Hmmm. I looked at my calendar hoping to find some time to maybe take a drive and plan a hike to see the leaves. This week is a relatively quiet up until the weekend and then I have a stretch from Friday to Tuesday of just non-stop activities, including extra hours at work which will be good, but it's going to be a bit of a whirlwind few days of running around. I can have a breather after Tuesday and luckily my work schedule is light for nearly a week after that. I am determined to just grab some time for myself.

My F is coming this afternoon to help me shore up the sub flooring in the bathroom where the bathtub used to reside. There are holes in the floor where the pipes were and they need to be filled before I get the tub installed. We waited until the heat run was moved before we went and did potentially unnecessary work. I called on my window, which was supposed to be in today. Hah. Change of plans. I am going to see if the contractor can come and deal with the tub/shower now because it would seem my window is on backorder now because of the tempered glass, until January. I am going to have to install that in the spring at this rate and somehow work around that issue for the moment. I was initially frustrated and then just accepted like so many other things, Plan A didn't pan out, so we are coming up with a modified plan or a whole new plan. I am not going to sit and waste time upset that my well thought out Plan A didn't work the way it should.

I have to now go find the puppy. It either means she has finally worn herself out or she is just like a toddler and into something she shouldn't be. She has been way too quiet. Hmmmm
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#137: November 03, 2021, 03:53:46 AM
Oh mannnnnnn

Talk about a Rollercoaster...

The story C related about his M got something in my eyes and then the puppy "She's way too quiet" had me LOL'ing in the office...

It is clear that he
a) feels comfortable with you all - R calls it "vice-Familie" which is kind of hard to explain... Her F was (and is) a real self-centered egocentric jerk so R had a couple of "vice-Papa's" that were usually the fathers of her friends and I am sort of filling that role for R's D20 as well. Her S18 is not quite to that point yet but D20 has introduced me to people as her dad ("My father lives in New Zealand - UM is my dad and lives with us"). In my view, it sounds as if C has found a "vice-familie" of his own - people that care and will help but not do his work for him... Not so much of a substitute or stand-in or replacement but an enhancement if you will or alternative...
b) is really doing his homework in terms of places to live and put down roots
c) is not afraid to be himself and be vulnerable with you  - sounds like you have migrated to the inner circle...

As for the roomie, well, that kind of behavior has consequences which will likely be somewhat unpleasant when the chickens come home to roost but, as you noted, it is all about choices and she has made her choices, has chosen the path she wishes to follow.... and that is all on her...
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Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#138: November 04, 2021, 05:32:49 AM
UrsaMajor - Yes, it has been a rollercoaster.

S said the same thing you did about C telling me so much. S and D both feel a connection to this young man that really is like what you describe - a "vice-Familie". In fact, last night he and D were with me in the kitchen and having a good time talking about physics last night.

Up until that point at dinner last night, the day had started to feel like a massive car pile up on a freeway. Where one thing that was planned out was stalled out and the rest of the plans for the day just came crashing into the one that stalled. I hadn't scheduled things back to back in such a tight manner that should have happened. My sister and I had planned a walk but on my way there, she called and said she had to go into work for a couple of hours, as her manager had a personal emergency and they needed someone to cover until he was freed up. That gave me some time to take care of something else and while I was disappointed, I rolled with it. The thing is, the whole day just seemed to follow that whole tone. Nothing went the way it should. I seemed to encounter heavy traffic and detours at every turn.

My sister and I had made plans to meet D during her long break between classes to hammer out the final details of my M's birthday party. Even that seemed to be more complex at times than it should have been. We all sort of laughed noting we all seemed to be experiencing the same kind of day where nothing was lining up with any ease. It was then my phone buzzed. It was work. Ms Management asked if I could work next weekend. I was ready to answer her right away and then I paused. I realized that I have not really had time to myself and stopped myself from immediately saying yes. I could work, but the times she needed me were for a mid shift and I suddenly realized I needed to think about it. I told her I would let her know by the end of the day.

I was glad I waited on my answer. By the end of the day, I realized I am in need of a break. I have been on this road of projects, and being the responsible adult for what seems like forever. I was too tired to take a backroad adventure, even a short one last night on my way home and the lighting was magical. I didn't have the energy in me to even embrace it. The sky was just spectacular and I had gotten to a point where in the past few months I would have stopped to just take it in. Not yesterday. I couldn't find the energy or desire and it bothered me enough to give work my answer. No, I won't be working that day. I have a run of things coming up starting tomorrow to Tuesday that are not going to allow me a whole lot of time to myself. If I commit to that day with work, I will break up a block of time that I really need off.

I am going to try desperately to keep that stretch of time to decompress. I have put a line in my calendar that looks like I have plans, just to visually remind myself to take a break from this carousel I have been on. I need to recharge and after yesterday, I know that more than ever.
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Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
#139: November 04, 2021, 07:27:20 AM
Good for you! You DO have the right to "self-care" you know....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
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Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.