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Author Topic: My Story JohnnyBravo's story

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My Story JohnnyBravo's story
#10: August 31, 2021, 01:05:15 AM
Hi JohnnyB,
so glad u are able to share and release your thoughts.  Reading posts and following others has been crucial for my Journey forward.  Ask your questions the guidance and wisdom of those who are walking this same Journey will help you navigate through step at a time.

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JohnnyBravo's story
#11: August 31, 2021, 02:27:48 AM
Welcome JohnnyBravo . I am happy you found us as you try to navigate a very painful journey . Sounds like MLC has come to roost and this is the best place for support and understanding . Can you talk a bit about your wife's childhood as many (including me) believe mlc is linked to unprocessed childhood trauma. Sounds like you are doing many of the right things for yourself.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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JohnnyBravo's story
#12: August 31, 2021, 04:57:30 AM
Can you talk a bit about your wife's childhood as many (including me) believe mlc is linked to unprocessed childhood trauma.

Hi, Barbiedoll, and thank you. I've been reading Larry B.'s info on chaos kids and divorce (thought that doesn't specifically relate to MLC), and W's childhood was generally a mess:

  • W was youngest of four girls. Oldest was thought to be daughter of a different man. (Mother dating two guys, got pregnant by one, married the other one for better financial prospects.
  • Parents didn't discipline the kids. Oldest one (or two) would domineer. W would have to stand up for herself at times.
  • Older ones would take W out in their convertible when cruising for guys, when W was young. (Data point, not sure if that matters.)
  • Mother was bipolar; depressive states would have her lying in bed, manic states would have her singing and getting religious. (W and I were both raised religious, but are now atheist/agnostic.)
  • Two oldest sisters had forms of mental illness or personality disorder, but W and other sister seemed OK. (During the pandemic I was worried about W acting in bipolar ways, but I didn't say anything about that, which was apparently the correct choice.)
  • W believes mother had affairs, or (less likely?) parents were possibly swingers.
  • Father did some very touching things for W as a child and did attend graduations, but was generally absentee. Parents would not attend W's school events, or would forget to pick her up from after-school activities. W would get a ride with friends or take public bus home (and that was a pretty long way in high school).
  • Parents eventually got divorced; I forget what age W was then, probably teens.
  • Chaos continued to adulthood. W had to miss some college (although eventually graduated) when she cared for one sister's kids. Mother died in W's 20s, father lost house, and for some period W had to live in her car or couch surf.
  • For some time, W followed her "good" sister around (contract assignments) and lived in different places, working and/or going to different schools. I don't remember when W finally settled back down in her home city.

I'll be curious to see what happens around Christmas. W had stopped celebrating because her oldest sister would insist on hosting and then be overblown and domineering about it. W finally started celebrating the holidays again when we got together, and we did quite a bit of decorating for Christmas. W did maintain some ties with her older sisters and we would pick up her father to come over and visit occasionally, but cut ties with the sisters when they got crazy again. (Oldest one died about two years ago, father died a little before that.)

(Between BD and final move out, W said that if she were still in town at Thanksgiving, she may invite me over for dinner. But also said at another point that I should probably go "no contact." Don't believe anything you hear...)

Thank you.

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JohnnyBravo's story
#13: August 31, 2021, 05:09:28 AM
Question: Any suggestions for dealing with relationship "business?" W is still on my insurance. She burned up the few hundred $ in our HSA going to the women's clinc, which isn't a big deal. I did get an email from our prescription service saying they couldn't send the next shipment until a bill was paid. (Probably her hormones.) I forwarded that, and said, "Looks like there's an outstanding balance, and I didn't want you to miss any shipments." She replied that she paid up, and that she scheduled time with an atty (which she later postponed).

Now, I received a letter from insurance saying her doctor has moved out of network, and she'll have to pick another one. Should I bother telling her? She'll certainly find out next time she goes, and she'll have to pay the copay/deductible at time of service, so I don't feel any financial liability here.

Changing gears: I was reading the Affair Down topics, and found other MLC signs:
1) After our counseling, W said she was broken, and I was the first "grownup" she has ever been in a relationship with. (This aligned with one of the topics, but I have to look it up again. Perhaps on the Affair Down itself, i.e. wanting someone lesser.)
2) W later said that she could go out with me as my wingman to help me meet women. That aligns with wanting me to date to ease her guilt of departure/affair.

I've also read more about detachment and understand it better, and now realize that it meshes with other processes I'm working.

Thank you all,
JB
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Re: JohnnyBravo's story
#14: August 31, 2021, 09:28:40 AM
Hi JB,

It sounds to me like your W's hormones may have a lot to do with her crisis. 

When my sane, beautiful, religious mother went into menopause she went off the rails for a few years.
Her and my father had the most loving, close relationship before that, for years. 
When she went into her crisis she said she hated him and if it weren't for us kids he would leave him.  She couldn't stand being around him or having him touch her.  She started dressing different and went out with her friends dancing almost every night.
She never had a drop of alcohol until this happened, but she started drinking when she was out.

Now if you knew my mother you would have been completely shocked by the change in her, we all were.

My dad got upset with her but never stopped her from doing what she wanted.  He stayed pretty quiet.
After a few years (wish I could remember how many) she just got slowly back to normal and she told me she loved my dad very much and never felt closer to him.  They remained happily married for over 60 years before she passed away.

I'm only telling you this because it's not always a bad childhood that can cause this crisis.  There are various reasons.

I believe my H had issues with his hormones that put him in crisis. 
It happens and unfortunately, no matter what the reason is, there is nothing you can do to make it better or fix her, she just has to go through this.
You sound like you are doing a number of good things for yourself.  Good for you.

I agree with you, her wanting you to meet someone else is probably to take some of the guilt away for what she is doing to you.

Best answer for her being a wingman for you I think would be..calmly...

"I am a married man, I don't date other women and I'm certainly not going to commit adultery."  Then walk away.

Nothing else.  Shows her you have respect for yourself and your marriage.  Put the guilt back where it belongs.

As far as telling her about the medical announcement, I would think a very short text or email saying...I was informed your doctor is no longer in network.  Nothing else.  Short and sweet.  Unless you know her address you can just take a copy of the letter and mail it to her...and say nothing.
If that is the case, send her any changes she needs to know about by mail.

That way you are not initiated any conversation.  Let any contact come from her.

Stay strong JB, this is all very hard to go through, but you are going to be ok.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: JohnnyBravo's story
#15: August 31, 2021, 10:41:49 AM
Quote
I'm only telling you this because it's not always a bad childhood that can cause this crisis.  There are various reasons.

I second this. They didn't used to call it "the change" for nothing! ;) And that's not to just single us women out - andropause in men is a real thing, too. If those issues are present AND they have the chemical shifts, that's a pretty good recipe for a full blown crisis. But any or all of the factors can cause the "perfect storm".

Those hormones start changing, which effects neurotransmitters, which effects a lot of systems in our body - including how we think. Different factors for each individual dictate how that manifests, and to what severity. Your wife is in treatment, which is the best case scenario. It will just take time to see where that leads.

I'd also follow Thunder's advice on contact. If you can just forward her the letter, I'd do that. Maybe even just scan and email with "FYI" as your note (if that's normal vernacular for you). Just don't go overboard with explanations that are out of character. It's like they smell that you're trying to keep a conversation going, or "control" something.  ::)

 
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JohnnyBravo's story
#16: August 31, 2021, 11:54:26 AM
I wanted to mention that from what I see, MLC can often mimic certain personality disorders. (It makes me wonder if they were just keeping the disorder under wraps or at bay until whatever causes MLC surfaces and they cannot any longer, but that is my own thought). In my XH, he mimicked Borderline Personality Disorder to a considerable degree (and I really think his mother has BPD, so that could be a factor in what he observed for all his life).

My point is that I found Out of the Fog  and BPD family good resources for how to deal with my MLCer. Since much of what he was doing was similar to the behaviors of BPD, it helped me to understand not only that it was not about me, but showed me ways I could interact when necessary and keep it as calm as possible. (mine was an 18 month live in)

You seem like you have a good handle on this. If you remember that what she says is more about her than you, it makes it easier to ignore things that make no sense. Like you'd actually WANT to have your W as a "wingman".  :o
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JohnnyBravo's story
#17: August 31, 2021, 01:36:28 PM
Hi Johnny,

I just wanted to welcome you as I havent had a chance yet. You are in good hands with all of these lovely people. I was in your shoes a few short years ago. In the words of Johnny Bravo " That's enough about you let's talk about me" remeber this line from the show when your thoughts start to wonder to MLCW.
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BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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Re: JohnnyBravo's story
#18: August 31, 2021, 04:26:36 PM
For sure I would tell her that the Dr. is no longer in-network as there is no guarantee that she would know upon going there. They will ask if her insurance has changed, she will say no, they will take the regular copay and then upon billing find out that they are not getting what they thought they would.

If you are going to take her off your insurance please oh please give her ample time to find an alternative.

Re: the credit card- just because you have the physical card does not mean that she can´t use the number. I would put it in writing that there are no authorized users going forward.

It appears that you need not spend any more time pondering if she´s in MLC, take that emotional energy and spend it on yourself.

Sounds like you are going no contact in a healthy way. The longer that goes, the more equanimity you will experience.
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JohnnyBravo's story
#19: August 31, 2021, 04:27:55 PM
Another question up front: W texted me asking if I have had a chance to have my atty contact her atty.
  • I told her who my atty is a couple of weeks ago
  • I suggested a collaborative atty to her, but she didn't confirm that this is who she went to

I don't want a divorce, and don't see why it would be on me to initiate this. Should I just ignore the text? Tell her I don't want the divorce, and she needs to have her atty contact mine? (I'll ask my atty for advice as well.)

With that out of the way, thank you all for the continued support. I'm glad it SOUNDS like I have a good handle on this, but I'm still freaking out a bit.

Thunder and R2T, thanks for the advice; I'll just mail the letter to her.

OffRoad, thank you for suggesting the BPD Family page; I've got it open and will check it out. 

Father5, thank you for the JB quote... The only one I really remember is, "Name? Johnny Bravo. Occupation? Johnny Bravo."

JB

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