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Author Topic: My Story JohnnyBravo's story

J
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My Story Re: JohnnyBravo's story
#20: August 31, 2021, 05:17:40 PM
If you are going to take her off your insurance please oh please give her ample time to find an alternative.

Re: the credit card- just because you have the physical card does not mean that she canĀ“t use the number. I would put it in writing that there are no authorized users going forward.

Thank you, forthetrees.

The credit card was under a different number, and I did call to cancel it. As for insurance, I won't leave her hanging like that. Health and car insurance aren't big expenses for me. I was going to cancel the car insurance and have her get her own, but it turns out that they need to hear that from her. I told her that she could just tell me when she has car insurance, and I'd send her the info to take herself off of my policy.. Same for health insurance. I'd rather she have the opportunity to get better. I won't cancel it until she tells me to, or I have a divorce decree in hand.

JB
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JohnnyBravo's story
#21: August 31, 2021, 05:48:04 PM
Hey JB,

Something to understand in the here and now is: She's moving fast, and she's mirroring. I know all this is very new to you, that's ok.... we're all new at some point, and the beginning is very disorienting.

Contact right now is very hazardous. It puts you on her mind, and makes you a target. You want to get OUT of the firing line. Disappear. Time to fly under the radar (as much as you can).
She's already ran away...... there's no need to reminder her that you're there (I'm know this sounds counter-productive, it isn't).
She is mirroring, which means as you take actions, she will match the action or try to "one up" it. Example: You get an attorney, so she gets an attorney. It' brinksmanship. To unravel this is to stop moving. Deescalate. Silent running. Pressure equals stress, and stress equals a more out of control MLC'er (who just wants the stress to STOP). As long as you're visible, she will pin all her stress on you. Since she has ran away, now is the chance and time to figure out that the stress isn't tied to you. That will take time, and time is what she needs.

It sounds like she is high energy...... so she's going to have to wear herself out.
Time for you to run the clock, that's what's in your favor right here. Run that clock and stretch it out. There's lot of work to do on you, and in turn it will hopefully help her to work on herself. It may not happen, but that's what you have to work with.

I very much agree with the others: hormones. MLC or not (hard to tell just yet, that age really complicates it) there is nothing to do except become a ghost (which is mirroring her in reverse). She will come out of it later or she won't.... and it won't be any time soon. Don't fret, there's lots to do on yourself.  ;)

Take the best care of yourself right here. Get sleep, eat good, exercise, get busy with a hobby (or two, or three). Eyes off her, and onto you. I know that's hard, especially at the beginning..... it can be done. So many questions, so many feelings.... there's going to be a lot more of that, and it has to happen. She's going thru the same thing, but she'll never tell you that.
Remove the stress, disappear. Let her approach, and when she does, be kind and be quick..... she'll re-disappear all on her own. As bad as it is for you, it's a lot worse for her (but she'll never let on about that).

Keep writing, do it every day if you need to..... there's a lot to get out and ideas/feelings to consider. Has to happen.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
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BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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JohnnyBravo's story
#22: August 31, 2021, 07:03:12 PM
A comment on hormones vs. MLC: W couldn't even tolerate birth control pills or an IUD, so she could be very sensitive to level changes.

Thanks again for the support, everyone. I am thankful to have found this place.
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Re: JohnnyBravo's story
#23: August 31, 2021, 07:13:34 PM
I agree with SS.  Do nothing, initiate nothing.  Yes ignore the text.
Truthfully I wouldn't talk about anything that has to do with a divorce, including her changing insurance.

If she is serious about a divorce let her do ALL the work.  Don't make this easy on her.
They push us to get it going, don't.
 
Of course protect yourself, financially if she does file....and have a good attorney on your side.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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JohnnyBravo's story
#24: August 31, 2021, 08:24:00 PM
 Thank you, Thunder. The insurance talk was at least a month ago. And as for divorce, I'm thinking she's a grown up, and can ask her atty how to file or take the next steps. As you state, she doesn't need me to do any of this, it just makes it easy for her.

I'll prep my atty with the requested docs and tell her to hang tight.
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JohnnyBravo's story
#25: September 02, 2021, 06:44:51 AM
I have my most lucid dreams when I wake up in the early a.m. and fall back asleep again. This morning, I dreamed that W and I were snuggled together in bed, and it was good. Then I had a brief one where we were in bed, I put my hand on her, and she shoved it away. I woke up anxious, but then thought back on the dream, and it's clear that it wasn't W who pushed me away, it was a completely different person. I'm hoping that means I'm making progress towards separating MLCW from the one I married, and that it will help detachment.
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JohnnyBravo's story
#26: September 02, 2021, 06:47:10 PM
Well, I ignored W's Monday text about having my atty contact hers. Came home to a more vicious one tonight, that if I didn't do this, she'd assume we're out of contact and would talk through attys. I replied that she should have hers contact mine. "I understand you need to do this and I won't fight you, but I won't start the process." I kinda blew up SS's advice to lay low, but I have to make her do the work here.

But, it ain't over 'till it's over. Really does suck, though. I'm going to stand strong and be open to her. Whether it's hormones or MLC, I know the real W is in there somewhere. She was just really naieve thinking this would be like ending a regular dating relationship, and that's probably the MLC immaturity talking.

On the plus side, I have something else to be nervous about: I took my first drum lesson at School of Rock, and am joining their adult band program. I'll have something to learn, and new people to meet.
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« Last Edit: September 02, 2021, 08:31:51 PM by JohnnyBravo »

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JohnnyBravo's story
#27: September 02, 2021, 07:44:33 PM
JB,

Sounds to me like you did very well.
At the beginning, threats are very, very common. Some are very real, some are fantasy, she won't know the difference. Mine threatened daily for three, maybe four months. Was she serious? Oh yes, deadly serious. In her mind running and D'ing was the most important thing in the whole world...... and every day when I went home from work, I half expected it to be empty and her moved out..... or served with papers. Each time the doorbell rang the thought entered my mind. Each time I received a message at work saying "someone is here to see you", the same thought. It was terrible.

Threats you see makes them feel powerful, and it's also an outlet for their anger. You are the punching bag. As personal as it is, and as much as it hurts, it's not personal. This is a damaged person. Weakness here only emboldens them. Restrain and respond...... emotionless, calm, strength....... they will expect what they deal out to be returned in kind, or with sadness/tears/begging. You will have to deny them this. It may confuse them, and make them madder. Stand tall and do not bend. Your strength can bring a measure of respect (later).

This is a dangerous time for D to happen, and it very well could. You did the right thing by not making it easy. She has to pull the trigger, if she tricks you into going along then she can put all the blame on you (in her mind). Make her be the "bad guy", it's one of the few defenses you have at this moment, and not a sturdy one at that.

-SS
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JohnnyBravo's story
#28: September 02, 2021, 08:52:02 PM
Thanks, SS. Sometimes I feel like Randy in A Christmas Story: "JB lay there like a slug. It was his only defense." But I'm working on channeling the Gunslinger from Stephen King's Dark Tower series. (Which is one of my favorite books/series*, and when I introduced W to it she couldn't stop reading them.)

It also seems ridonkulous that her atty would tell her to tell me to tell my atty to contact her atty. Atty's don't need third parties to carry messages. Unless W deleted the email with my atty's name. Tough nougies.

A funny bit for SS: My W watches Charmed, too!

*Well, at least until King wrote himself into the series. That seemed pretty weak.
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« Last Edit: September 02, 2021, 08:58:56 PM by JohnnyBravo »

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JohnnyBravo's story
#29: September 03, 2021, 04:45:17 AM
I think there was a missing message from W about this. That would explain the second message not making sense. The VM on my new cell phone sucks, and I think she's occasionally sent texts in the past that never made it through, although that's very rare. Could have gotten her spun up unnecessarily. Oh well, we're at where we're at.
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