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Author Topic: My Story Stopping the insanity

J
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My Story Stopping the insanity
#20: September 19, 2021, 12:41:28 PM
It sounds like you did really well, Tornup. Congrats on the trigger squashing!
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Stopping the insanity
#21: September 19, 2021, 02:23:52 PM
I'm glad you made it through the wedding.  I keep hoping any wedding my kids have will be an elopement.  ;D

I did think your reaction here was quite different that I would have had.
The speech went well. My D30 however did not like it, so that was disappointing. I feel she is just hard for us to please. I thought the speech went well and we put thought into it and did like a roast of her life. Timeline of growing up. I think we did one on middle school and her being bullied at one point, but how her perseverance survived and she was able to continue through and get great grades and we knew then that she was going to be an amazingly strong individual. That is the one she did not care for.
I, personally, would be mortified if my parents (or anyone) "Roasted" me or brought up my being bullied at my wedding without asking me if that was Ok first. I would think the average person's  idea of a "perfect" wedding would not include bringing up unhappy situations (no matter how they turned out). Having been bullied in middle school and while I fought for my myself and it changed me as a person altogether in many ways, it is not something I would  want to share with everyone at my wedding.  From the outside, I don't think she is hard for you to please. I think she could have been embarrassed beyond words. I could be wrong and simply projecting my own feelings had I been in a similar situation, but as a suggestion you might want to ask and/ or apologize if needed about telling things about her that she might want not to have shared with the world.

How was YOUR night? We heard whole lot about what your XH did or did not do and how you were wondering what he was thinking, but what about you? Did the wedding go as planned? Did you do anything fun with your B and his family at the wedding or before or after? Did you have a nice time with SIL's family?

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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
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Stopping the insanity
#22: September 19, 2021, 02:33:17 PM
Offroad-the speech was more in-depth. That was a small aspect that started out as her being selected to be a mediator in mid school for her ability to resolve conflict to have that turn a bit on her with some jealous bullies that she still showed resilience and strength. There were many other stories, but again I did not see it as a bad story. I said she did, so apparently you and she are on the same page. The “even the average person” personally felt a little offensive to to me at my core. This was a high anxiety wedding going in and I would have preferred not to be part of the speech, but I did my best.

Maybe that one part was a bad choice, but in general she is very hard to please and satisfy. So, an outsider who is hearing one story should not be able to state that not to be true?? We did our best. If it was a mistake it was. Can’t change it and I also will not let it eat me up.  I might add this was only immediate family. The wedding was a total of 37 people. So, most knew her story.

Also, I had another journal on the night before and the family time. The SIL family chose to not participate in any before wedding activities and stated in earlier journalling there have been fighting in that family. Also, I again said my brothers visit went well and all over I thought the weekend went pretty good.
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« Last Edit: September 19, 2021, 02:57:32 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Stopping the insanity
#23: September 19, 2021, 03:04:04 PM
Tornup I am glad to hear the wedding went without a hitch and you and your X enjoyed it.  Enjoying family and friends is always a good memory for her special day.

I just wanted to say, please don't let it upset you your X sat with his son during the service.  That is so minor.
People know you two are divorced. They probably thought nothing of him sitting next to his son instead of next to you.  It is nothing to be embarrassed over.

I hope she had a nice father/daughter dance together.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

T
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Stopping the insanity
#24: September 19, 2021, 03:15:59 PM
Thunder-It was not that he sat next to my son. Normally you turn around and sit at first chair open after handing the bride to her husband to be. So, instead he went past it and me and my son to sit the farthest away. Again, it was very obvious. I think he did it more for wanting to disappear than about me, but if he was in his right frame of mind he would have sat next to me. I feel it is due to his feeling like he does not belong anymore in the family or anywhere. I let it go quite quickly and as I sad my family members noticed. It’s all good. I realize more and more his actions are not personal, but more about his internal struggles and he is ONLY ever thinking of HIM.

Another thing that happened before the wedding. He got there late. I knew he was nervous. When I saw him before going to sit down I told him Awe, you look so nice and handsome. He said I almost didn’t make it. Never commented on how I looked. I thought that was interesting, yet not affected by it. I think another aspect of the self centered behavior and thought process of a MLC’r. Nothing is positive in their head, so compliments would not come easily
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« Last Edit: September 19, 2021, 04:42:49 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Stopping the insanity
#25: September 19, 2021, 04:16:43 PM
Yep I got that from my X too even though my family never, ever let him feel he was not accepted or welcomed.

I think it is just their guilt.

Nothing we can do about it.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Stopping the insanity
#26: September 19, 2021, 05:24:12 PM
The “even the average person” personally felt a little offensive to to me at my core.
I'm not quite sure what you mean here? I said " I would think the average person" as in my thought process would be that in my experience, there has been no one who wanted anything negative at their wedding, so the average person probably would not want anything negative at their wedding. I did not say "even the average person". I'm sorry if that is what you read. I was trying to convey that bringing up bad memories, even if the end result was not bad, is not what anyone I know wanted at their wedding, so my thought process went the way it did. I don't have a "thinky" icon, sad to say. :-\

Quote
Maybe that one part was a bad choice, but in general she is very hard to please and satisfy. So, an outsider who is hearing one story should not be able to state that not to be true?? We did our best. If it was a mistake it was. Can’t change it and I also will not let it eat me up.
I see I should be using a whole lot more words. Since you were mentioning this one instance, I was commenting on this one instance, not her entire life. In this one instance, it may not have been that she is hard for you to please. It may be that what you thought would please her was not pleasant for her. That would not make her hard for you to please in this instance, it means you may not know what would please her in this instance if you had not asked. Those are different things. If you say she is generally hard to please and satisfy, I was not there all her life and you were. I was only commenting on this one instance and, as I said, it's because of my own history.

I have no idea if it was or wasn't a mistake. I was mentioning that it might have been, and invite you to ask her since it seemed to upset you that she didn't like at least that one part of the speech. Yes, IF it was a mistake there is something that can be done. You can apologize, but you won't know unless you ask her. If you ask her at some point, then you will know the actual answer to why she did not like that one part.

Quote
Also, I had another journal on the night before and the family time. The SIL family chose to not participate in any before wedding activities and stated in earlier journalling there have been fighting in that family. Also, I again said my brothers visit went well and all over I thought the weekend went pretty good.
Again, I see I should use more words. I have read all of your posts. A visit going well doesn't say much about what you did and what you enjoyed about it. Did you dance? Reminisce? Play board games? The wedding going well doesn't say how you felt about the proceedings. Happy for your daughter? Was she a beautiful bride? You don't have to say if you don't want to just because someone asks, but I loved the part about there being an outdoor archway, and that you decorated it. That is special.  If you took your XH out of the picture, what were your favorite parts? Or were they all just colored by his presence? (This would be completely normal ).

It sounds like you put together and hosted the whole thing. That sounds like a lot of work, and a lot of joy.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
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Stopping the insanity
#27: September 19, 2021, 06:03:48 PM
Offroad- I dont really want to get trapped on this one thing. Of course she felt it was a negative. We did have a open conversation around even some of the immediate family. I apologized. I said I see her point. That I did not go into detail, but referenced that she went from basically a mediator of problems to one that had to be faced with the problem and still made her way through and showed such strength and resilience.

This journalling is about my thoughts and feelings about getting through and moving through my struggles with MLC, so yes when on here that is my focus. That is what I am working though. So here my focus isn’t to discuss the details of wedding, but my interactions with XH. FB is filled with all the happy of the wedding 😊  Yes, I get we have to refocus away from them and on to us, but this was an event that was bringing me much anxiety.  Such a family event with a fractured family and not seeing my XH for 5 months.

 I think overall she had a lovely wedding. I think she had a great time. She was gorgeous. As she always is. She handled the wedding. I showed up and did what she needed and I am disappointed in myself for letting her down on that one aspect of the wedding, but again I am human and maybe the fact I have been a victim of many tragedies that I share openly to help others that has skewed things for me. I dont see those as a negative. I turn negatives into positives and that is what I see in her.

With her however a conversation is not always possible. She wants to state her issue on anything and only be heard. She does not ever own her part in the R so I always know whether I am right or wrong it is not open for discussion. Part of my therapy dealings is working through my ever difficult relationship with my daughter. She relies on me heavily for her venting, child care, animal care when gone etc. She tends to take me for granted. So, I am in a constant state of trying to win her approval. So, it is painful for me that I made an error including that in our speech. I was only included or looped in because her father could not come
up with anything nice to say. Which is sad in itself, but again she is difficult. Not just with us but she has few friends due to her inability to seen others sides. It is a revolving door for her. She does not maintain friends as she is easily offended and entitled. I love her dearly, but we all XH and S28 all struggle with her.

Moving on from the speech mistake which is giving me anxiety now more than when I started. Thank you for all the insight. I am always open to hear what I need to hear. In this instance I agree that I made a mistake.



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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Re: Stopping the insanity
#28: September 19, 2021, 09:06:09 PM
Tornup so you made a mistake.  Let it go. You didn't ruin the wedding over it so don't beat yourself up over it.

The wedding turned out to be great, that is what people will remember.

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Stopping the insanity
#29: September 20, 2021, 06:26:12 AM
Good morning,

Now that the wedding is over things will shift again. The focus on the wedding is done and the next things are to come.

Sometimes it takes me a little while to shift gears after certain "events" and I am often quite exhausted. I have found lately that I need a nap now and then to recharge. I think when there are lots of emotions in me, I require rest.

I hope that you have a good start to the week.

Take good care of yourself.
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