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Author Topic: My Story At a total loss

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My Story At a total loss
OP: September 28, 2021, 04:34:43 PM
Hi all.
Long story.
I was married for 18 years and together for 22 years. 2 sons aged 19 and 21.
I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.
Looking back at it I was potentially MLC ing myself. My 50th birthday came up in February this year and something in my head said time to change so I started enjoying life and generally being happier.
At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room. I challenged her and she said nothing was going on. I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears.
In March she mentioned that she had been to see the doctor for womens problems and he diagnosed her as perimenopausal (starting in November). She laughed and said I'm going to be a b****h for the next 7 years.

In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man.
She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.
I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".
I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.

However I was so angry, hurt and betrayed and we had many arguments during this time.
"I know you're changing but it's too late for me"
"Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.)
"I love you but not in love with you"
"We are only friends" (Speaking about AP).
" I only kissed him twice"
"It was normal"
"I was only thinking of myself"
"Maybe I should have been more careful to not get caught"
"You made me do it"
"I need to find myself"
Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June) and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?

Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.

She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.
Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends and can't come back because "Will he trust me again?" "Will he start drinking again?" "Will he check on me every time I go out?".
 
We have only caught up once and that was to discuss our son who is having depression. I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.
During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart.
I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together.
BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.

I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".

I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time.
"Why would you want to support me after what I've done?"
"AP didn't break up our family, I did"
"Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"

Because I love you and you supported me for so many years.

She reaches out a couple of times a week to see how I am (It's pretty obvious that I am devastated) and when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why. I have now changed my interactions with her and a few times she has "thanked" me for making it easier to talk to me. She expects and probably is waiting for me to be angry........
1 That I'm not changing.
2. That my changes aren't genuine.
3. To validate her choice to have an affair, leave our house and walk away from the marriage.

She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.
She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).
Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".
Has most of her gear still at the house and when I offered her financial settlement it was ignored (and it was more than fair). She is living with mutual friends and unfortunately that has damaged my relationship with them.

I know it's been a long road for her to get to this point and know that "if" there is any possibility it would take a long time to resurrect.
I love this woman with all my heart but have no idea who she is or who she has become.

There is probably more and I may add to this later but I am at a complete loss.
 


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« Last Edit: September 28, 2021, 05:41:46 PM by Pacman »
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Re: At a total loss
#1: September 28, 2021, 05:56:25 PM
You are in pain as is she. A valid course of action would be to leave her be for the time and work on your anger management and drinking. Overcoming those two will take a while and will consume much of your energies. Please check out Marshall RosenbergĀ“s site on Non-violent Communication. Sounds like she would need consistent change over time to change her mind. In this case, time is your friend.
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At a total loss
#2: September 28, 2021, 06:06:22 PM
Hi, Pacman

I'm new to this myself, but you're in the right place. I don't know if my W ran due to MLC, menopause, or menopause-triggered MLC, but things went downhill around the time she started taking hormones for perimenopause.

You'll get lots of support here. Read the articles, and there are guides for new folks as well.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

Sorry to see you here.

JB
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At a total loss
#3: September 28, 2021, 06:58:28 PM
Just to add, my wife also has just starting to catching up with a mutual female friend who also was in a similar situation 2 years ago.......menopause and an affair.
She did go back to her husband after 2 months but only stayed for another 18 months and left again "for good" this time.
"I get what your wife is going through".....yeah great. I know that my W is an adult but enablers are definitely not on my side.

Same as the mutual friend couple she is staying with. Free board and they loaned her a car so she has no financial or "real" consequences to her leaving.

I have absorbed the majority of the financial position and do not have the ability to go out "partying" as she is. BUT I will stand strong for my sons, their girlfriends, the 1 granddaughter and the grandson that will arrive in November.

I will also stand strong for my wife (as I know she is not a bad person, just made a bad choice), especially when considered that her 1st husband cheated on her.
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At a total loss
#4: September 28, 2021, 09:24:21 PM
Sorry you find yourself here Pacman (fantastic name BTW  :D )

It's going to take a good long while, try to be kind to yourself. Sounds like a lot of communication, that will only serve to push her away and embolden her. There is no talking which can reverse this, not now, not for a long time.
She thinks she wants to go, let her go..... not give up, not walk away, just fade out from her world. In time she'll figure it out or she won't.
Time to look after you and your family. She will come to miss it, or she won't.

Those bad influences are maddening, the thing about it is: They eventually figure out these are not good or useful people, if they are left alone to figure it out. This is just the start, you're going to go thru a whole lot and so is she.

Write what you're going thru, it's going to be a lot. Tons of very good people here and a lot of experience.

You're among friends now  :)

-SS
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« Last Edit: September 28, 2021, 09:25:36 PM by Standing Strong »
W - 40
M - 44
Together 25 years, M 23
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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At a total loss
#5: September 28, 2021, 09:32:50 PM

She thinks she wants to go, let her go..... not give up, not walk away, just fade out from her world. In time she'll figure it out or she won't.
Time to look after you and your family. She will come to miss it, or she won't.

Those bad influences are maddening, the thing about it is: They eventually figure out these are not good or useful people, if they are left alone to figure it out. This is just the start, you're going to go thru a whole lot and so is she.



I know that's what I have to do but it's so maddening and frustrating.
If she is so deadset, I have offered  her a payout (and it was more than fair) and it was totally ignored.
I'm of the thinking that she doesn't know what she wants......just what she doesn't want  ::)
 
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« Last Edit: September 28, 2021, 10:06:23 PM by Pacman »
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At a total loss
#6: September 29, 2021, 01:06:15 AM

She thinks she wants to go, let her go..... not give up, not walk away, just fade out from her world. In time she'll figure it out or she won't.
Time to look after you and your family. She will come to miss it, or she won't.

Those bad influences are maddening, the thing about it is: They eventually figure out these are not good or useful people, if they are left alone to figure it out. This is just the start, you're going to go thru a whole lot and so is she.



I know that's what I have to do but it's so maddening and frustrating.
If she is so dead set, I have offered  her a payout (and it was more than fair) and it was totally ignored.
I'm of the thinking that she doesn't know what she wants......just what she doesn't want  ::)

If I may be so bold... WHY offer her a pay out? If she is so dead set to go, she's going to go one way or the other. A buy-out offer or "severance pay" if you will may backfire on you. After all, YOU are not the one that wants to run off into Schmoopie Land.

My personal advice would be to get professional advice as to what your options are but to keep your cards close to your chest. You don't have to ACT on the advice you get but having the advice, having the information, having the knowledge may prove to be VERY beneficial in the long run.

Mid-Lifers don't CARE if the LBS makes a "fair" or even a "more than fair" offer. They want what they want and when they want it and, if the offer doesn't meet their expectations, they will either ignore it or go monster. Either way, unless you have been given the power to suddenly be able to taste green with your elbow, you have NO way of knowing what is going in in their heads unless they actually say something about what they want.

As you have found, they are often all about what they DON'T want but that is because figuring out what the DO want is beyond their capabilities and is WAY too much like work (which they don't want to do) and it means that they have to accept that there will be consequences for their choices (which they also do NOT want to deal with or accept or take responsibility for.... )

BTW - I have to say that this may or may not be an MLC in my opinion. If there is a history of alcoholism (and that is what it is - no sugar coating - if alcohol causes a problem in one's life, even if one isn't a daily drinker or a constant sloppy drunk), then it can very well be that it is a reaction... and trust, once broken, takes time to rebuild - in BOTH directions....
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« Last Edit: September 29, 2021, 02:13:09 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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At a total loss
#7: September 29, 2021, 01:59:56 AM




If I may be so bold... WHY offer her a pay out? If she is so dead set to go, she's going to go one way or the other. A buy-out offer or "severance pay" if you will may backfire on you. After all, YOU are not the one that wants to run off into Schmoopie Land.

My personal advice would be to get professional advice as to what your options are but to keep your cards close to your chest. You don't have to ACT on the advice you get but having the advice, having the information, having the knowledge may prove to be VERY beneficial in the long run.

Mid-Lifers don't CARE if the LBS makes a "fair" or even a "more than fair" offer. They want what they want and when they want it and, if the offer doesn't meet their expectations, they will either ignore it or go monster. Either way, unless you have been given the power to suddenly be able to taste green with your elbow, you have NO way of knowing what is going in in their heads unless they actually say something about what they want.

As you have found, they are often all about what they DON'T want but that is because figuring out what the DO want is beyond their capabilities and is WAY too much like work (which they don't want to do) and it means that they have to accept that there will be consequences for their choices (which they also do NOT want to deal with or accept or take responsibility for.... )

It was offered in the early days when I was still angry but having had time to calm down I'm not offering again.
If she was so keen to set herself up and truly move on she would have accepted or counter offered.
She is currently living grass is greener going out partying with her friends whilst living in a spare room of a friends house at the age of 50. No financial responsibilities no nothing to worry about. Hasn't thought passed today.
Can't last forever. She will have to wake up at some stage. One way or the other.
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At a total loss
#8: September 29, 2021, 05:36:14 AM
October 2nd is the 23rd anniversary of our 1st date. It's gunna be hard.
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At a total loss
#9: September 29, 2021, 09:52:18 AM
Sorry you're here but I'm glad you found us. This is a place to vent, ask questions, whatever you need to do.

I had a very similar discovery of an affair on my xw's phone - so I know how painful that is. And I know first-hard about those enabling "friends." Absolutely maddening!   >:(

You've already gotten some good advice and you'll get a lot more. All I have to offer is to add my voice to the choir of those saying to work on yourself. YOU are about the only thing you can control right now. So the less you ruminate about things out of your control, the healthier you will be.

Good work seeing a counselor for yourself. And great work getting control of your drinking.
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