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Author Topic: My Story At a total loss

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My Story At a total loss
#10: September 29, 2021, 03:54:39 PM

BTW - I have to say that this may or may not be an MLC in my opinion. If there is a history of alcoholism (and that is what it is - no sugar coating - if alcohol causes a problem in one's life, even if one isn't a daily drinker or a constant sloppy drunk), then it can very well be that it is a reaction... and trust, once broken, takes time to rebuild - in BOTH directions....

I understand my part in this and that's why I accept fault for my actions and have been getting help medically and psychologically.
BUT under no circumstances does that excuse an affair.
She tried to blame me for her choice but I won't wear that.
AND yes trust on both sides has been broken.
I have truly forgiven her as I needed to for myself and spend time on self reflection and improving.

The rest of her actions and behaviours mirror MLC to a tee.
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At a total loss
#11: September 29, 2021, 08:34:43 PM
I posted on my Facebook page that I own my mistakes and don't run away from them and W placed a care emoji on it.......Obviously didn't get the underlying message.

I also put that "I understand, not that you're talking to me but I understand" and she send me a message asking if that was directed at her and that she is talking to me but sorry it's not everyday.

I know they were slight pushes but she still engages at the slightest thing even though she constantly says we aren't getting back together. (not that it has been said for over 6 weeks now)
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« Last Edit: September 29, 2021, 08:43:08 PM by Pacman »
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At a total loss
#12: September 29, 2021, 09:19:33 PM
Hi Pacman,

Sorry for your situation but glad you were able to find this forum.   Agree with the others' advice to focus on yourself and what you can control.  It has been over 1 year since BD and my W is still in her crises.   She seems to be just running away from me as well as other key persons in her life.   I have gotten to a point where I have just accepted that she is broken and detached.   Focused on me and my kids right now.

Wish you all the best and continue to post to journal and seek advice.   This has been very helpful for me.

HF
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At a total loss
#13: September 29, 2021, 09:22:33 PM
Hi Pacman,

Sorry for your situation but glad you were able to find this forum.   Agree with the others' advice to focus on yourself and what you can control.  It has been over 1 year since BD and my W is still in her crises.   She seems to be just running away from me as well as other key persons in her life.   I have gotten to a point where I have just accepted that she is broken and detached.   Focused on me and my kids right now.

Wish you all the best and continue to post to journal and seek advice.   This has been very helpful for me.

HF

Given my brutally honest story including accepting responsibility does my W look like she is in MLC or have I placed my own bias on it?
Opinions gladly taken on board.

Her most recent interactions were asking me why our son was angry with her and that she fears the boys "will not speak to her when she decides to move on". Her AP was a person well known to myself and my son and was from the soccer club my son played at.
My son has categorically told her that if she goes with this guy that he will make them both feel like crap.
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« Last Edit: September 29, 2021, 10:24:21 PM by Pacman »
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Re: At a total loss
#14: September 29, 2021, 11:14:28 PM
Quote
Given my brutally honest story including accepting responsibility does my W look like she is in MLC or have I placed my own bias on it?
Opinions gladly taken on board.

Truthfully, my ex BD'ed me over 10 years ago, and I'll never know for sure if it was MLC, bipolar disorder, limerence with the OW, or whatever was destined to happen due to his bloodline. Eventually you'll define it looking back in the way that makes the most sense. Don't turn yourself inside out trying to figure out what to call it (or if calling it MLC means she'll snap out of it soon). You've been through a ton and had a lot of growth! Focus on YOU and continuing that progress, DESPITE this circumstance you're currently in. You WILL feel better. It will come slowly but surely, but it will never be as bad in the future as it feels right now.

Quote
Her most recent interactions were asking me why our son was angry with her and that she fears the boys "will not speak to her when she decides to move on". Her AP was a person well known to myself and my son and was from the soccer club my son played at.
My son has categorically told her that if she goes with this guy that he will make them both feel like crap.

Actions have consequences, but those are her to deal with. Your son has the right to process this situation in his own way, too. I literally never spoke to my mother ever again after she and my father divorced, and it's been 27 years. But that's not always the best way, either. Each situation is unique. Don't focus on what he chooses to do in terms of his relationship with her, as he can't control her any more than you can. Just be a support team for and with your sons. You're all hurting, but you can uplift each other too. Do things you all like to do together. Even if it's just a ritual watching a sports game or a show every week. Sometimes it's the most mundane things that can keep you sane.

And don't try to 'reach' her on social media. We have all done that, and even though you want to be able to express yourself, it tends to take a bit of your power away (and publicly). Instead, when you feel like venting, come here. Get it out where you are among friends who have been there. It will do wonders to keep you off of the emotional rollercoaster.
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« Last Edit: September 29, 2021, 11:16:02 PM by Ready2Transform »

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At a total loss
#15: September 29, 2021, 11:38:01 PM
It is obvious I have so much to learn (if it is indeed MLC).
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At a total loss
#16: September 30, 2021, 12:46:25 AM
Hi Pacman,

I profusely apologize if my words came across like I was justifying the affair - you are absolutely correct that one does not justify the other.

Like R2T posted, there is really no way, when we are in the thick of the events/crisis, to know if it is "really" an MLC or any one of several other possibilities. Regardless of what we choose to call it at the time, MLC, BatSnotCrazy, BiPolar, whatever, it doesn't change the fact that we have NO control over the actions of our "spouse" (or the Body-Snatcher that looks like the human formerly known as "Spouse.") so all we can do is really do our own mirror work and deal with our own stuff. Those are the things that we can control....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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At a total loss
#17: September 30, 2021, 04:10:25 AM
I know it may have been a bad move .....
but I've put my boundaries out there.
I WILL not accept her talking to him.
Our family is still there.
I have changed and not giving her anger.
I will not wear blame for her affair.


But for my own short term sanity it had to be said,

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Re: At a total loss
#18: September 30, 2021, 06:27:47 AM
Pac-Man, first and foremost please please give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Whatever may have happened in the past your wife could and should have engaged you, talked to you, even given boundaries and told you what she needed. You own your own actions but NONE of it justifies hers.

Second right now all you can do is your best. Keeo trying to focus on you, try best you can to not analyze, truth dart, or engage her to make yourself ok. We have all been days and we have all stumbled. But all we can do is pick ourselves back up and try and try again.

Don’t worry about labeling things just now, in time you will know. Or in time you may not care what the label was.
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At a total loss
#19: September 30, 2021, 06:55:29 AM
Hey Pacman,

You are both the same age right? 50?

If that's the case, it could be a few things. It could be MLC. That is the tail end of the age group for MLC, but it is possible.
One thing that you mentioned that caught my eye was perimenopausal..... that is very interesting to me.
It seems a bit late for that also, it should be full-on menopause right about now. That can have very similar behaviors to MLC.
Which one is it? We don't know,

I would ask if she has trauma in her past, specifically teens or younger? I would also ask if she has abandonment issues (did her parents divorce in her youth?). Any history of MLC in her family? Some of these may be known, and some could be unknown. I learned at lot about mine during her MLC and I thought I knew everything about my W. Is she having drastic memory problems? Is her personality "flipping" on the turn of a dime? Any monstering? Shark eyes events? Dressing like a teen. Hanging out with teens (or 20's). Reversion to earlier periods in time? Being stuck on issues from her past? These are indications of MLC. Not everyone gets them all, but they will have a combo of sorts. If you aren't seeing any of these, and she is in the present..... then that could be an indication that this is solely menopause.
R2T is so right, you will find a way to categorize it as time goes on as you see and experience more. It's also almost universal for every LBS to question "is my MLC'er having an MLC or is this something else?". Happens all the time. It's also a question that each LBS comes to answer themselves.

I know you're beating yourself up about the drinking. I wouldn't. You know this wasn't a good thing, you will have to forgive yourself and move on from it. Actually you'll have to face all your shortcomings, deal with them, improve, forgive, and move forward. Can't change the past, just be the best you can, improve and move forward. If she's in MLC, she's going to have to do the same. It's not easy, but it has to be done.

So you think you may have been in MLC yourself? This is also very interesting..... and to me, if this is the case.... it supports her being in MLC (IMO). How long do you think you were in it? What were your behaviors while in it? Withdrawn? Irritable? Angry? Depressed without admitting it? IF these are true...... then you could have been kicked out of it because she was going into it (that's also fairly normal, not typical, but normal). There are a lot of male LBS's who believed they were in something before their W was. That just catches my eye.

April was BD, so you're 5 months in. Not time for her to slow down yet, and contact will only prolong her descent. There is no catching them in their fall Pacman. As much as we want to save them, fix them, help them....... they don't want it. We only make it worse. This isn't about you, it's about her. She isn't dong this to hurt you or your family. She is damaged. She will have to fix herself. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Time will tell.
 
Now is the time to work on yourself Pacman. It's going to be ok, no matter what happens, it's going to be ok. You're going to be connecting dots for a long while. Deep breath and let the mind work out all these things and your emotions. Not a time to act on these things, they are going to churn until they are resolved. You will have to master yourself. You'll have to choose how to work on yourself: How to improve. Find the shortcomings, deal with them, wipe them out. If you were in MLC, figure out what put you there, deal with those issues. Now you get to build the best version of you. She'll choose to return later, or not. You may have an influence on her, but can't choose for her.

So much to face in the opening months and 1st year. A tough road, but you'll get thru it. In time this can become a great blessing if you let it. There is much opportunity.

Keep writing, all that energy, emotion and thought needs to be released. Sometimes the only way to work out something is to vent it, and the issues are legion.  :)

Be gentle, go slow, deep breaths. Take care of yourself. Learning how to operate alone is a big step. Detachment is not easy but necessary.

-SS

 
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