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Author Topic: My Story MLC husband's real issues

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My Story Minor kids...
#20: October 24, 2021, 03:22:26 AM
I would be mostly focused on how it makes ‘you’ feel.

Whether he is guilty or not how do YOU feel sending these pics and having him (or her, UM) in your headspace?

I would always consider his reply to this and how it effects you.

 If he doesn’t reply how will you feel, if he replies with a thumbs up emoji how will you feel, if he replies with ‘thanks so much’ or ‘ok’ or ‘I miss them’ or something angry or something about him with OW how will you feel? Will he be in your head? Will you think about his response/lack of response for days? Is it having best of both worlds - being with OW and not missing out on what his children are doing? Will he really feel shame at this stage? Is he not still thinking he has made a good decision and this proves it as the children are still happy?

Interested to read RCR’s reply as I have not been doing that and it makes me feel better not including him. The children aren’t doing fun things to prove to him they are ok they are doing it as I am giving them a good life and I don’t need to prove that to him or keep him in the loop about it. (I can see that it is different for a father LBS.)

I do remember feeling like that Kelly and yes he is missing out big time but that’s his choice, for now.

We are all in different situations but I’d focus on how you feel now. You can’t ‘nice’ him back.

I am off to think through following RCR’s advice now so thanks for posting!
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

K
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Day to day life of MLC-er
#21: October 24, 2021, 05:16:19 PM
I am curious of the day to day life of an MLC-er. For my H, he works 7:30-5 M-F. He is a co-owner of a family owned business and seems to be keeping his crap in order at work. A little work obsessed right now and then drinking a lot when he gets home. Lives away from us so not entirely sure of what he does on weekends and weeknights, but when he does talk to his kids he's usually at home cooking dinner or working on his laptop.

So my question is- do most MLC-ers keep it together enough to function fairly normally?
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D
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Re: Day to day life of MLC-er
#22: October 24, 2021, 05:23:00 PM
This was definitely my experience. No one, outside of me and perhaps my 7 year old D at the time, would have known there was anything going on.  She kept a workplace affair a secret and worked her way up the ladder there. She also took care of the death of her mother and never seemed to blink an eye. I think they are extremely adept at compartmentalizing, as it is typically a skill they learned early in life. I, on the other hand, could barely keep it together!
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: MLC husband's real issues
#23: October 24, 2021, 06:00:18 PM
All threads merged - try to stick to one thread until 150 post - thank you for your cooperation.
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« Last Edit: October 26, 2021, 07:08:48 AM by OldPilot »

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MLC husband's real issues
#24: October 25, 2021, 08:54:16 PM
Attaching!

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Re: MLC husband's real issues
#25: October 26, 2021, 12:54:27 AM
I am curious of the day to day life of an MLC-er. For my H, he works 7:30-5 M-F. He is a co-owner of a family owned business and seems to be keeping his crap in order at work. A little work obsessed right now and then drinking a lot when he gets home. Lives away from us so not entirely sure of what he does on weekends and weeknights, but when he does talk to his kids he's usually at home cooking dinner or working on his laptop.

So my question is- do most MLC-ers keep it together enough to function fairly normally?

I think it depends on the person. My MLCer became a bit of a workaholic too and a few months after he left the house, he moved abroad and managed the whole move/paperwork on his own (I would've done all that kind of stuff when we were married) and has kept the same job for the last 3 years so he seems to be keeping it together...

There are other aspects of his life that are way off.. Or at least for me and other people who know him. Very radical changes in his life that if anyone told me 5 years ago this would happen, I would have laughed out loud and tell that person that he/she was totally crazy.. And yet, here we are. It's not so much the day to day, I haven't seen him since he moved abroad and have no idea what he does but it's around a number of actions over the past few years that have turned him into a person I don't recognize.

I think the best is to leave your H to it. He will do what he will do, there's not way to save him or protect him from himself. You really sound like you are in a great place so keep focusing on you and your kids.
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H - 44 (40 @BD1)
M - 44 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!!!

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change

K
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MLC husband's real issues
#26: November 03, 2021, 08:34:22 AM
So here we are 11 months out from BD1 and 5 months from BD2. H is still living a state away in a rental. I filed for divorce but am still standing.

We had a decent talk last night. Lots of "I'm a loser. I really f-ed up. Maybe I'll just die." etc. I didn't blame or placate just listened. I really realized what a crappy place he is in. And although I have already detached...I'm really starting to feel confidant in my decision to let him be. I am at peace knowing this is his issue to work out. I could sense his insecurities and one thing that really hit me - was he said "I truly want to feel appreciated some day. I'm going to work on that and do good things before I die." I know he's talking about work and finding his worth and value in the company. It's just so heartbreaking to hear him or anyone for that matter...feel like they aren't worth anything of value.

Anyway- just thought I would post and confirm what most of us already know. And that is the fact that MLCers are really broken. I hope my H can find what he is looking for.
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T
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MLC husband's real issues
#27: November 03, 2021, 08:52:39 AM
I just spent the last year having those talks and it got me nowhere. XH just moved in with someone he is living in fantasy world with. While I carried his emotional baggage. Worried for his safety. His peace of mind. Worry about your piece of mind. Easier said than done and all those on here that advise me are probably thinking……helllooooooo. That’s what we said!!!!

It takes a lot to walk away from someone you love, but they aren’t the one you love right now. If it is meant to be. If they find themselves and you are still open to a R then maybe then. I try to remember that I could never have walked away from XH or my family. I can’t live with or have a R with someone that doesn’t value me as much as I value him. It’s so very hard to let go. So HARD
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

K
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MLC husband's real issues
#28: November 03, 2021, 09:30:35 AM
Torn up- I completely agree. I know i will never understand why he did what he did. But I will always care for him. It makes it easier to know he's not just being an A$& and that he really is having issues. Doesn't take all the pain away but makes it a tiny bit bearable. AND the mean part of me is like...yay...your life sucks too! Welcome to the party jerk.

Anyway...I'm in full on growth mode. Focusing on my kids and myself and doing what's best for us while their dad figures his stuff out. It does get easier with each passing day. Faith and strength are all I have right now...so onward we go.
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MLC husband's real issues
#29: November 03, 2021, 10:24:29 AM
Just to chime in on this… my W moved back in, said she didn’t want to be separated, continues to say that our marriage is her priority. And still, every once in a while (and a bit more in recent days), I get this apology: “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.” There’s a lot of self-pity and wallowing, but ultimately, they have to own up  to the mess. It’s not who they are inherently, it’s what they choose to do. And if they want to not be “a mess,” they can choose to act in responsible and caring ways. In some ways, it tugs at your heart because this is someone you love who is clearly struggling. But it’s also frustrating because the solution is  in their hands, and they are too scared or weak or ashamed to actually take action.
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