Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story MLC husband's real issues

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4370
  • Gender: Female
My Story MLC husband's real issues
#50: November 24, 2021, 01:52:12 PM
My XH can look normal to others for long periods of time. He knows how to put on the mask, and most people have no idea how he ended the relationship. Also, that's what being "the bigger person" often does for you. No one knows unless they happened to be there during an episode of "YOU have caused me to be an unreliable, lying, gas lighting, stealing, cheating abandoning person, I have no fault in this at all". So if no one knows what happened, and the MLCer acts vanilla normal around the rest of the world, everyone thinks they are "just fine".

And maybe they are. Maybe they will be "just fine" as long as they don't have anyone around them who knows who they really are and/or what they have done to get where they are. There are a lot of disordered people out there who only take on Flying Monkeys as acolytes. That is where "detachment" comes in. Where you can look at what they are doing or saying, know that it just really is about them and not you, and think "Huh. How about that." Not get upset that they are doing crazy things, not care that no one else notices or cares, just working your way down your own path and giving yourself distance from the crazy train so you don't get run over.

You are being the strong and sane one for your girls. Take care and hope your Thanksgiving goes well.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 294
  • Gender: Male
MLC husband's real issues
#51: November 24, 2021, 05:56:12 PM
I know with my W that she compartmentalizes her life and tries to hide some of the dysfunction from others.   I empathize with you as this will be the first year that my family will apart over the holidays.   Hang in there and I hope you and your kids enjoy your trip to visit your family.

HF
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 27
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#52: November 26, 2021, 12:39:17 PM
We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family. Loved spending time with them, especially my grandparents. Something special about going 'home'.

Husband didn't text the girls until they texted him just before bed. Guessing it was a 'I'm not going to text them- they can text me' type of thing - which he has been doing a lot of lately. Anyway, we all just shook our heads at his replies. They were so impersonal and weird. To my D18 he texted

Happy Thanksgiving
Hope you had fun
I had steak and crab
love
dad

exactly like that. Like who texts that way!? And it sounded like my ten year old was typing it. Just crazy. Anyway, happy to be home today and watching football with the girls and decorating for Christmas.
  • Logged

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 27
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#53: November 27, 2021, 07:14:24 AM
Talked to H lastnight via text. Had some financial questions which led to the kids which led to us. Something he said stuck with me all night. He said I've been exhausted for a few years. And since July (when he moved out) even more so...Every day is a struggle and it takes so much effort to just get up each day.

My heart breaks for him. But I know I can't fix him. I told him I'd always be here and that he doesn't have to do this alone.

But I just thought how true it is the MLCers are broken. And even though at times it just seems like a nice excuse to behave like an as$...they really do have issues and are hurting.
  • Logged

m
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 817
  • Gender: Male
Re: MLC husband's real issues
#54: November 27, 2021, 11:22:56 AM
My heart breaks for him. But I know I can't fix him. I told him I'd always be here and that he doesn't have to do this alone.

But I just thought how true it is the MLCers are broken. And even though at times it just seems like a nice excuse to behave like an as$...they really do have issues and are hurting.

I think this is an important insight sometimes, and something I definitely try to keep in mind when I can. But never at my expense and never without holding them fully responsible for their actions and decisions...

  • Logged
No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 27
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#55: November 27, 2021, 05:34:36 PM
Marvin4242

Definitely not excusing his behavior! Just gives me a little more insight to how he is feeling. It kind of just makes the whole situation even more sad. hard to explain.
  • Logged

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 27
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#56: December 02, 2021, 08:52:05 PM
journaling

I'm only 6 months out from BD and although I've come a long ways (I'm not completely confused anymore...I know it's a MLC, it's not me or our marriage or our kids, these are his issues, his problems to figure out. I understand more in the sense that I'm not completely blindsided. I know this is not the person I married. I'm not sure who he is. I'm not sure he knows who he is.) I still feel overwhelmed. More so for my kids than for me.

I can honestly say I don't know this person. The person I married and loved would not do this, say these things or inflict so much pain. So I'm grieving the loss of my husband. My person and my friend. In a lot of ways it feels like he died. It's a very strange dynamic. Because as I'm grieving, I'm also pissed as hell that he would intentionally hurt our girls, so nonchalantly and without reservation. From my perspective- he just walked away. Told them he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. Moved away. But it's more like he put them on a shelf. And every few weeks he reaches out via text to play 'dad' with them. It's the weakest and smallest effort above NO effort. His texts are lame and short and superficial. And it's infuriating because he told them he doesn't want to be a dad- so just don't then. Leave them alone. Quit reaching out. It's confusing and irritating to me so I can't even imagine what it's like for the kids. My older three girls are just done. And it's palpable - he would have to be deaf or stupid not to sense it when he talks to them. ughhhh.

My therapist suggested no contact. Not to force anything or for his benefit. But for me. I can't continue to care and give and worry and wonder. I was doing great with detaching as a wife. But not as a mother for my girls. Especially for our youngest. I was trying to coordinate and facilitate the holidays and really its just to the point where he's going to be a disappointment either way. He can't function as a father right now- not even in the smallest ways so why push it. My girls are better off with him just being gone- out of the picture. Sending random stupid texts every few weeks. Because eventually they are just going to quit responding. They are adults. They have no obligation to him. So as of yesterday- I'm done. Christmas can come and go with or without him. And the girls and I are ok with that. I thought that Thanksgiving would be hard- the first holiday without him. But honestly it was fine. We had a great time. And the loser that he is- was sitting at home by himself. I'm sure he was 'numbing' all day.

I think the thing that gave me this final push into NC was he texted complaining about how lonely he is, how hard his life is, money stuff etc. And I was thinking to myself- what a jerk. Your life is crappy, 100%. So bad you wish you would die some days (all his words). And even still- you would prefer that life over a life with me and the kids. WTH!? Even in my darkest days following BD- I never wanted to die. Let alone feel that way on multiple occasions. So screw you, dude. My worth is more than that. I deserve more than that. I want better than that. And not just for me but for my girls. I want someone who chooses us, who values us, who lives to be with us.

That realization coupled with my therapist's advice was really what I needed this week. I am a caring person by nature. I want to help and fix and please and just make things better for everyone and everything. Small things. Big things. Help in anyway I'm able. Not just with my husband, but with friends, family, community, clubs, strangers etc. So not being able to fix or help him was really hard for me to accept. But I have.

I also went to lunch with a couple of friends today. And they were just blown away by everything that has happened. Like jaws on the table gobsmacked speechless shocked. And honestly somedays I am too. It's all just so unbelievable.

Anyway- just thoughts I have tonight. Proud of myself for making the hard decision to go NC and to stop worrying/wondering. His path, journey, issues- whatever you want to call them. But my friends today reiterated that I'm a good person. I have worth and value. And that it isn't diminished in anyway by my H or his actions. I knew that in my heart but to hear someone tell you that - it's really what you need sometimes. Because the amount of damage to the LBS's self esteem is horrifying. I've also realized how much my girls are watching my example. They are so proud of me for my strength, grace and fortitude through all this. Which is crazy because I felt like such a failure and some days struggled to even shower. But in the middle of all this chaos I've sold our homes, gone back to school (finishing my degree and graduating in May), have made career goals and life goals, single parenting, coaching volleyball, got a job, focusing on my well-being and health (have lost 60lbs)...it's been a crazy 6 months. But I'm so much more focused on my kids and myself. And that's huge for me.

 
  • Logged

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2857
MLC husband's real issues
#57: December 03, 2021, 12:16:18 PM


I think the thing that gave me this final push into NC was he texted complaining about how lonely he is, how hard his life is, money stuff etc. And I was thinking to myself- what a jerk. Your life is crappy, 100%. So bad you wish you would die some days (all his words). And even still- you would prefer that life over a life with me and the kids. WTH!? Even in my darkest days following BD- I never wanted to die. Let alone feel that way on multiple occasions. So screw you, dude. My worth is more than that. I deserve more than that. I want better than that. And not just for me but for my girls. I want someone who chooses us, who values us, who lives to be with us.

 

I think sometimes the two opposing statements I bolded above are the hardest thing to wrap your head around when trying to get your footing.
Yes, a person who is truly severely depressed will come across as though they don't care. It's not personal - anhedonia is not personal. I don't know your husband or if he's truly depressed, but if he is, he's not choosing being miserable over being with his family. The depression takes over completely. He's not "not choosing" you guys. He's just not choosing anything, period, if that makes sense.

BUT, what's also true is you deserve to a life where you are not tied to the choices and behaviors and needs of another. He may be depressed and need help and if so, I truly hope he chooses to get that help. But in the meantime, since you have no control over whether he chooses to do so or not, all you can do is choose to live your life forward, practice self-care and continue to make good memories for yourself and your kids. Which is what you seem to be doing. 
You sound like you're making good, practical choices, and this early on, you really do seem very admirably logical and clear headed.
xx
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.