Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story MLC husband's real issues

N

Nas

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2918
My Story MLC husband's real issues
#60: December 05, 2021, 07:30:43 AM
I think regression does play some role early on, but I would caution against thinking too much about it.
I'll share this with you: before and around BD, my former husband played a song called "Bent to Fly" over and over and over and over. The lyrics are about a young man leaving home.
He ranted endlessly about how he had wanted to go away to college and his mother made him go to a college within a few hours driving distance of his childhood home. And he vacillated between being over the top angry about that (decades later) and commenting that it turned out to be good because his father died just after he graduated from college and he had all those years closer to home where he saw his dad more. There was a thought process going on there that I couldn't have had any real idea about and still don't.

His affair partner is a woman he went to high school with - not an ex-girlfriend, just someone a grade below him who shared friends in common and he knew all through school.
The day he left me (after being an emotionally abusive live in for way too long) he was humming "Bent to Fly" the entire time he packed his things. He had a brief stint of moving home to his childhood bedroom before quitting his job and moving over 1000 miles away with his affair partner. For several months at first, he lived in a tiny apartment on a college campus, across the street from a fraternity house - it was the college he'd wanted to go to but didn't because his mother didn't want him to. It's the college his girlfriend (OW) did go to.

So in early days I watched him doing a complete rewrite of his life, erasing me, choosing instead someone he knew before me, making the choices he wished he'd made before he met me. It absolutely crushed me in ways I won't describe because I don't want to remember those feelings, honestly. But I'm sharing with you to say I understand, and that no matter what, it's not about you. He was with you back when he was young and he may look like he's trying to take a "do over" but it's not a reflection on you or the life you had with him - it's a purely pathologically self-absorbed tunnel he's in where he can only see himself.  It took a while for me to see that it wasn't about me and his actions weren't at all normal (my therapist at the time said it sounded like a complete breakdown - it's normal for people to have regrets from time to time, but this is something more akin to psychosis).
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11458
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
MLC husband's real issues
#61: December 06, 2021, 01:50:25 AM


He's off in the fog
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#62: December 09, 2021, 08:53:32 PM
journaling

I get that the MLCer is selfish and preoccupied with their own life right now...but holy buckets! How do you just NOT care about your kids? Today our youngest fell at school and broke her wrist. After getting her taken care of and home and resting- I texted an FYI text to my H on behalf of our D. She wanted him to know. He hasn't texted her back. Texted me saying "That sucks. What does that mean for volleyball?"

Uh what!? Why don't you call your kid and talk to her? See how she is? Ask her?

Seriously...his crappy behaviors make detaching so much easier. Like what a jerk!

ughhhh. I just can't even wrap my head around how self absorbed you have to be to NOT call or check in on your child. It's so crazy
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11458
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
MLC husband's real issues
#63: December 09, 2021, 11:50:44 PM
And who gives a flying farfinagle about Volleyball in comparison to a broken wrist?

  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 639
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#64: December 10, 2021, 02:09:08 AM
I’m so sorry for your D he didn’t do what a normal thinking / caring parent would do. I think we can absorb a lot, but when it affects the kids it’s a whole different story.
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#65: December 10, 2021, 03:36:24 PM
Idk- she is on a special club volleyball team, but wouldn't your first concern be your daughter? How is she doing? Is she in pain? Can I talk to her? etc

Just mind boggling how he still hasn't reached out now going on 24 hours later. Like how lost in the fog are you, dude?

  • Logged

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#66: December 12, 2021, 07:46:13 PM
I had a turning moment this weekend. H texted about something and then mentioned the kids. We texted a bit. And during the exchange (whether it's from the passage of time, the fact i'm not in shock anymore or the amount of MLC research) I could pick out typical replay' excuses. And with each one- I stayed calm and cool. Mostly just shaking my head and texting back "I'm sorry you see it that way."

So many contradictory statements and reasoning that were insane. I stopped the conversation by just saying "I hope with time you have a change of heart. But for now I think space apart is the best thing."

I'm still hurt over what he did to me and the kids. But this conversation helped me see that it really has nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with our relationship. And nothing to do with our kids. He is 'lost'. He has a lot to figure out. And until he quits blaming me and the kids...he'll just continue to be lost. And the person he is now- is not someone I want to be with. I also feel better about the D and feeling like it was the right thing to do in our situation. My H will never feel completely 'free' to live this life he wants away from us unless he is totally free. There would have always been resentment and bitterness. And I also know that if he entered into a relationship while we were legally together...it's something I could never forgive. I love him. I want him home so we can build something better. I guess you could say I'm banking or hoping he eventually comes to and comes back to us. I don't know. But in our situation and for our kids it seems like this is best. If its meant to be- we will find each other again. I'm still standing. And it feels like a huge gamble. I'll just continue supporting from afar and will be here when or if he reaches out. I also know that I will be ok if he never comes to. I've learned so much in these last months and can only assume I will continue to get stronger and learn more.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11458
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
MLC husband's real issues
#67: December 12, 2021, 11:58:31 PM
You are 100% correct - his crisis has nothing to do with you, your kids, or your relationship...

Taking care of yourself and your kids is the highest priority - if and when he chooses to do the work he needs to do in order to come out of his crisis, then you can decide if the version of H that reappears is someone you really want to have a relationship with or not...
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

K
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 51
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#68: December 15, 2021, 05:00:42 PM
I know rewriting history is text book MLC behavior, but do they know they are doing it? Are they doing it on purpose so the narrative fits their actions or do they really think that's how it was? And if it's really how they think it was...if/when they come out of the fog, do they realize how it all really was?

Also do MLCers have 'time' issues or easily forget things? Because my H didn't believe me when I said it's been 3 months since the girls have seen you- like he was absolutely shocked. He said "no way! I just saw them last month." And then I texted him some photos a few months ago of the girls after they had their holiday photos taken in October. I framed a few and sent them to him for his office last week. He was thrilled to get them and asked if they were updated photos. When were they taken etc. I'm thinking...ummmm I sent these to you months ago? You've seen them before.

just some things I've been thinking about. I try not to get too focused on the MLC stuff, but some of it is just so crazy. The apathy thing is really throwing me and our youngest D. He really could seem to care less that she broke her wrist, or that we had tornados touching down today. Just bizarre.
  • Logged

9
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 743
  • Gender: Female
MLC husband's real issues
#69: December 16, 2021, 06:44:51 AM
Hi Kelly,

Thought I would drop in and try to answer some of these questions based on my own personal experience.  I'm reconnecting with my H and we are dealing with this very thing.  Trying to go back and sort out what really happened compared to what he "thought" that happened.  It is a very difficult and slow process for him as he did rewrite history, did major gas lighting and projecting.  He tried very hard to keep his MLC compartmentalized until he couldn't.  He is learning how to open the compartments and look at them with a therapist.  We talk a lot now about how I experienced things.  He is mortified that he did the things he did but he is slowly starting to accept and take responsibility for them.  It is mind boggling.

Quote
I know rewriting history is text book MLC behavior, but do they know they are doing it?

Yes and no.  My H thought he was getting away with so much but did not realize how much we could see right through him.  In his mind he was getting away with living two different lives.  He did not realize I started to see past his lies. 

Quote
Are they doing it on purpose so the narrative fits their actions or do they really think that's how it was?

In his mind I believe he really thought how it was.  I think he convinced himself that the life he was living was ok and he wasn't really hurting anyone. 

Quote
And if it's really how they think it was...if/when they come out of the fog, do they realize how it all really was?]

This is his very hard reality right now.  He is doing this slowly.  It is very painful for him to really open his eyes to the damage he caused so many, but especially me.   He often shuts down after we talk about it because it is so hard.  I remind him that I'm still here but he has to face the reality of things. Sometimes he expresses such complete remorse and others he shuts down while he processes things.  He is slowly moving forward in this area.  It is hard. 

Quote
Also do MLCers have 'time' issues or easily forget things?

Very much so.  I thought my H had a brain tumor.  He has always had an amazing memory.  (His siblings used to tease him about remembering nursing on his mom!)  It went completely during the height of MLC.  Still has trouble with things but not to the extent he used to.  He owns his own company and has incredible stress.  He is becoming known for forgetting things which is very hard for him.  I hope he will be able to regain it. 

Lack of empathy was shocking to me as well.  My H was always very loving and a little bit emotional.  He basically turned into a robot, when he shuts down I see this in small ways.  He is starting to show emotions again and it is a hard thing for me to get used to after years of not showing anything and trying to keep it all in. 

Quote
I try not to get too focused on the MLC stuff, but some of it is just so crazy.

Yes it is.  So completely crazy and very difficult to wrap your head around most days.   Your best bet is to continue with detachment, which you seem to be doing well.  My heart breaks for your kids.  3 of my 4 were out of the house when MLC hit.  I'm sure your kids want to know the reason for all of this, it's very hard not to be able to explain it. 

Hugs to you and your kids. 
  • Logged
« Last Edit: December 17, 2021, 02:05:00 AM by UrsaMajor »
Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.